by Nicole Hite
I squeezed back, letting him know I was there for him, just as he had been there for me as well. But how was I going to deal with this Jackson situation? Tonight was not the night to draw conclusions, nor judgments. There was so much I wanted to ask, but felt another time would be best. Perhaps Jackson’s mother was the woman Rene was speaking of the other night?
We continued walking toward Bourbon Street, when the sounds of a smooth saxophone wafted down the alleys and back roads. The night sky was glittered with enchantment and magic. A black backdrop speckled with tiny pinholes of stars. The partly crowded street hugged by a series of two story buildings. Each building had a balcony covered with wrought iron porches decorated with intricate spirals and fleur-di-lis. A string of shiny bulbs dripped from one balcony to another as they lit our pathway, guiding us to the music.
Even though Mardi Gras was only a week away, the streets were starting to pick up with foot traffic. We set out, meandering the streets only pausing to hear a song or two. Lee refusing to detach our hands as we walked to our next impromptu show. The soothing rhythms of the saxophone performing a Coltrane tune, pumped through my body, landing on my soul.
Without noticing, my hips began to sway back and forth to the music. Closing my eyes, I could see the music behind closed eyelids. Jumping from one musical bar to another, I felt I was producing my very own showing of Fantasia. The notes chased the beat up and down as the score dictated my sway. Soon I found my eyebrows doing a dance of their own, feeling the pulse of each key.
Lost in my musical haze, I nearly missed hearing Lee.
“Wanna dance?” He asked as he spun me to face him.
“But there are people here. They’d stare at us,” I said ashamed.
Lifting my chin to meet his, “It’s just you and me - no one else. Trust me.”
“I do trust you,” I said actually believing my own voice.
Lee ran his free hand down my back, coming to rest just above my rear. Immediately my mind drifted to the night of our first kiss, and how lovely it had been. Understanding my limitations, Lee twisted my wrist, wiggling his fingers through my stiff fingers. I let them relax on their own accord as I admired the beautiful connection of our hands. Hands I had been denying. Hands I desperately wanted to touch my body.
Lee pulled me close to him until we were chest to chest. The light strums of the accompanied steel guitar set our pace as he let the street traffic fade. We ignored everything except each other in that moment. We let the rhythm dictate our moves as we shuffled across the wet pavement.
My feet fumbled as I stepped right on his foot. Instead of recoiling in pain, Lee squeezed me tighter as if he sensed I might be the one to pull away.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t promise I’d be any good at this,” I looked up matching his grin. I felt embarrassed as I saw the sea of eyes circling us, eyeing my every move.
“Hey, look at me. It’s just you and me. I don’t give a shit if you step on my feet. Just dance with me.”
Bringing me back to his soft features, we stepped back into rhythm with the music. The song ended, but neither one of us pulled away as we waited for the next one to begin.
The crooning sounds of a female voice filled the air, heavy with moisture. You could smell the rain rolling in, but nothing mattered but Lee and I. I stepped on his foot once more, but Lee’s response was far more different this time around.
As he dipped me back, there was a sudden need and want to lay my lips on his. Lee was desperately close to my own. I could actually feel the lavish breaths of his lips hover over mine. I could feel he wanted to kiss me, but instead was keeping to his promise.
It would be so simple. Just reach up and seize those perfect lips of his. But I wanted this. I wanted to be friends. Stupid heart.
“As much as I would like to keep dancing, I do have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” I said.
My excuse was lame, but true. Dr. Mather had referred me to the medical college to meet with a team of doctors. A multidisciplinary clinic they called it. All I knew was I would be seeing numerous doctors at once. A day filled with, “How do you feel”, “What are you having trouble doing”, and “How does this effect your daily routine?”
“Oh okay, no problem,” Lee responded with dejection in his voice. His once hopeful voice was now replaced with longing.
He lifted me upright, nearly pushing me away. Was he as worried as I was? Was he just as turned on as I was? He definitely pushed me away for a reason though. Reasons I’m not sure I want the answers to.
“I guess I’d better get you home then,” he smiled. The smile was reassuring to know I hadn’t totally blue balled him. Although it wasn’t a toothy grin I had grown accustomed to, but I would take it.
The drive home was fairly quiet, excluding the soft hum of the heat blowing through the vents. Lee didn’t hold my hand like he had all night, leaving my skin bereaved of connection. I had no idea how important that small exploit had on me. A simple action such as that, without words, showed me rejection and hurt.
I needed his forgiveness for pulling away. I reached across the center console of his truck, taking his hand into mine. I could feel the hesitation and his want to be angry, until he grasped my hand. He wasn’t infuriated after all, but I virtually guarantee I bruised his ego. There was a strong pull within me to make him happy. To feel wanted. I couldn’t explain it, but felt drawn to him in that moment.
We pulled up to the house around midnight and my eyelids felt every second. Before I had a chance to think or react, I leaned across the console and laid a sweet kiss on Lee’s cheek. I could still taste the sweetness from the powdered sugar, pleading with my subconscious to refrain from licking it. That’s just weird.
I lingered a little longer than necessary as I took in his signature smell – oil and pine needles. Brushing my cheek against his, I pulled myself away excruciatingly slow. All I wanted was for him to turn his head a centimeter and the connection would be obvious. I would snap out of my friendship dream and we would fall madly in love. Just as he wanted and predicted.
But he didn’t do that. He turned a centimeter alright, in the opposite direction. He rolled away from me, putting distance between our bodies.
“Call me tomorrow and let me know how the appointment went, okay?”
That’s all? That’s all I get?
“Yeah. Sure. I can do that.”
Lee’s flippant attitude hurt my feelings, although it shouldn’t. I couldn’t decipher if I only wanted him if he didn’t want me, or if I genuinely wanted to be with him. Wouldn’t that just be the case? I would cave for him only to have an epiphany that I don’t actually want the guy, just the game of being able to catch him. It didn’t feel that way though, but the thought did worry me.
Reaching for the door, I paused for a second, hoping for one of those chick flick moments. A moment where the guy yanks her back into the car and proclaims his declaration of love for her. He’d kiss me senseless until I couldn’t remember my name or some shit like that. Instead, he let me leave like any man whose ego had just been blasted to smithereens.
I stood on the curb and waved him goodbye as if he were never coming back. I imagined had Jackson been in the cab, he would be leaning on the back window, waving his little hand. Oh, God, Jackson. I wasn’t angry Lee had a son, but upset he thought I was pushing him away because he had a son. That was furthest from the truth. I actually admired Lee for being a single Dad and taking care of his responsibilities.
I didn’t sleep much the night before. My mind raced with visions of a brown headed, brown eyed boy running around in our hypothetical backyard, pleading for me to chase him. But I couldn’t. I was immobile, not even able to tell him how much I wish I could. I woke in a panic, sweat dripping from my brow.
My mentality was not focused and the last thing I wanted to do today was go to the doctor’s office. I grabbed my bag, heading for the door when I nearly stepped on something as I crossed the threshold. There, sitting on my stoop
were two cranes and a letter.
Dove-
I meant to give this crane to you last night, however I was a little distracted. I also wanted to give you one for today, just in case. Good luck today. Call me later.
Your FRIEND,
Lee
Looking down, the first crane said, “You are a horrible dancer.” I doubled over with laughter as I thought about my terrible dance moves. Lee’s poor feet had to be suffering today. I especially liked the fact that he wrote friends in caps. It meant he was still wanting more even if I kept rejecting the idea.
The second crane simple said, “You are a badass.” I needed the encouragement this morning. One of my doubts going into the appointment was walking into the doctor’s office and having them tell me, you are progressing too quickly, you have one year to live. Although it had been only three months, not a lot had changed according to my analysis. But what did I know?
I shot Lee a quick text before heading out, cringing at the sound of, my Dove. I really needed to get it over to Lee’s Garage and soon for my repairs.
Me: Thank you for my cranes this am. What a welcome surprise.
Lee: You are most welcome, Friend.
Me: I liked it better when you called me Dove.
A little light humor never hurt anyone.
Lee: Well, that’s what we are, so why is it such a big deal?
Me: You are right, Friend.
I had to joke back. It was fun to mock his ploy.
Lee: Unless you don’t want to be friends anymore???
Me: Friend is just fine. Don’t you have work to day?
Lee: Nice change of subject and you texted me, mind you.
Damn I did. Honestly, I just wanted to know he was thinking of me, or even waiting for my text.
Me: Valid point. Well, FRIEND, you are going to make me late for my appointment.
Lee: Hey, you are the one who keeps sending messages. Don’t blame me!
Me: I’m really going now
Lee: Uh, huh.
Me: :::Starting car, driving away:::
Lee: :::Waving a farewell and Godspeed:::
Me: :::Flicks him the bird:::
Lee: :::Watch what you are doing. No texting and driving.:::
I wanted to continue to talk, but he was right, I needed to concentrate. Bugger! When I got to the medical college, I couldn’t resist the temptation to send him another message. It felt good to have someone in this with me.
Me: XXX, Friend.
Lee: Are you sending me dirty messages, FRIEND?
Me: BAH, no!
Lee: Okay, well I can only interpret that as kisses. You wanna make out, don’t you FRIEND?
Me: For your information, those are hugs. I strategically left out the kiss. I didn’t want to give you the wrong impression.
Lee: You failed miserably.
Me: I can see that.
Lee: Can I have horizontal hugs
Me: I’m going into my exam room. GOODBYE!
Lee: But you didn’t answer the question lol I’ll take that as a no, but vertical is still on the table, right?
After several pauses, I finally responded.
Me: Sure. Vertical is acceptable, FRIEND.
I giggled as I placed the cell phone into my handbag. Just as the purse was laid to rest on a stool, Dr. Atlee appeared in the doorway. He was obnoxiously gorgeous, and obnoxiously young. I had to shut my mouth to keep it from hitting the ground as I prepared for the exam.
“I’M HERE, I’M HERE, I’M HERE! Screeched JoJo as she strolled in late, as usual. ”Holy shit!”
“Is something the matter, Ms….”
“Clare. Fine now, thanks! I don’t know if you know this, but you are seriously hot. Has anyone ever told you that before?”
“JOJO,” I screamed, feeling embarrassed.
“Yes actually, my partner,” he stating, lifting his left hand where a wedding band glistened.
“Boooo,” she sulked, sitting down in a nearby chair.
Jo crossed her arms across her chest, pouting at the news. I rolled my eyes at her blatant attempt at flirting. I found the situation quite hilarious to be honest. There wasn’t a man JoJo didn’t try to pick up. She definitely didn’t discriminate when it came to hitting on men. Most girls have a list of qualities in a man, but not JoJo. It was more or less, if they can tolerate her for more than five minutes, they are worth a shot.
I give her props, she can certainly wrangle a few guys here and there; quite attractive guys at that. The problem, she never kept them – one and done, or on a good day, two. She had zero fear, a quality I wish I had myself.
“So, Ms…” He stuttered as he looked at his file. “Dove. How are we doing today?”
“Not bad, not good. Middle of the road I suppose,” I said, actually giving him a smile. Lee’s crane reminding me I was a bad ass or at least tried to be. Normally, I would have broken down, unable to articulate my feelings and emotions, but not today. Today I was a steel horse, ready to charge into battle.
“Okay. Okay. Any pain?” he gave me a sympathetic glance.
“Only when I rotate my right wrists at times, but other than that, peachy keen jelly bean.”
“I like your attitude. We’re going to get along great.”
“Likewise. Thanks for not treating me like a lost cause.”
“There is no need for that. You’re here for reason. My job is to help as best as I can, whether it’s running exercises to cope or telling you a joke. Yes, this stinks, but no use in dwelling on the bad. If anything, I want you out there living your life. If I hear you’re not, I’ll be really ticked off and may make you do more tests…just to mess with you,” he smiled. “I’m holding Ms. Clare responsible for keeping me in the know as well. Something tells me she will tell me anything I want to know.”
“Yeah, like her not wanting to date because she’s too chicken shit. She’s too worried about the future to be living in the present. Yell at her for that, Doc!”
“I agree with JoJo, Kat. You need to be living your life as if this isn’t the end-all be-all.”
“HA! SEE!” Jo squealed.
They were right. Fuck, they were right. I didn’t want them to be though. I hate being ganged up on, not to mention by JoJo no less.
“Fine. I’ll consider it.”
“Well, while you ‘consider’ it, I want to do another EMG just for my own peace of mind.”
“If I tell you I’ll go on a date; can we skip the EMG?” I whined.
“Nope. Sorry, Charlie. Now get into this gown and I’ll be right back.”
“I like you already, Doc,” JoJo laughed.
Dr. Atlee left just a moment as I slipped my top over my head. Jo was used to my bra theatrics, and didn’t think twice to unhook the clasp. Slowly the strength in my hand was weakening and trying to put on a bra was menacing.
“Need any help with the pants, or do you got this?”
“Stretchy pants! Comfort before glamor,” I smiled.
“Are you wearing Wonder Woman undies?” she giggled as she stared down at my panties as I undressed.
“Umm, yes! They are my ‘Bad Ass’ panties.”
“Whatever,” she laughed.
Just as I slipped on the gown, my face turned bright red realizing my bad ass undies had a see through backing to them. FUCK! Well, no better way to break in a new Doc then to show him nearly all of my goodies. Perfect!
Dr. Atlee asked me to curl up on my side away from him into the fetal position, immediately feeling mortified. I could feel and audible chuckle as JoJo got a good glimpse of my ‘bad ass’ness. Her humorous mood changed as soon as she got a glimpse of the needle that would be probing my back, shoulders and spin.
This was my least favorite part of an exam. One, which I had hoped I would never have to do again. Jo’s chuckles turned to a quiet gasp as Dr. Atlee started up the mobile transport ultrasound.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you how this feels, because I know darn well you already know. Bear with me
and we will get this done as soon as possible.”
“Wait, you’re going to stick that thing in her muscles. Like, through her skin? Is it like acupuncture?” Jo asked.
“Hell no,” I shouted. “I would take acupuncture any day of the week.
“What we need to do today is what’s called an intramuscular electromyography. Basically, this needle here is inserted into the skin and into the muscular tissue. Since there is no official test for ALS, this is the closest we usually get to diagnose the disease.
“So what do you do once it’s in there?”
I knew exactly what JoJo was doing. She was being the best friend I knew she was – distracting me from the pain.
“Well, once the needle is inserted like this, I have to move it around to get any activity. The trouble is, you need to do a reading with resting activity in the muscle. The normal evaluation of a resting muscle gives a brief burst of muscle activity. When I probe Kat like this, I’m sending an electrical current through this needle to stimulate muscle movement looking for abnormalities.”
Dr. Atlee moved the needle around, up my spin, in my neck and at the base of my spin. At times he would press on the surrounding skin to get a better reading. It was borderline unbearable. The very first time I had an EMG, I was unprepared for the pain, nor the after effects. I sat at the kitchen counter, bent over, crying with an icepack on my neck.
“How do you know there are abnormalities though?”
Dr. Atlee turned up the volume on the monitor, pointing to the spikes on the screen.
“You see, Muscle tissue at rest is normally electrically inactive. Usually once the needle is inserted and the shock subsides, there should be no muscular activity. But see here,” he pointed to the spike. “This shows her muscles are never at rest and there are some unexplained and or abnormal activity occurring. This typically triggers the muscle spasms she has daily.”