by Lisa Ireland
‘I was looking for Alli, actually. I’d barely seen her all night. I thought it was odd that the two of you decided to go outside together.’
‘Why?’
Libby shrugged. ‘You’ve never made any pretence of liking my new friends here.’ She looked Kit in the eye. ‘From where I stood it looked a lot like you were arguing. I know you think these women are all “try-hards” but I had thought you could shelve your judgemental crap for one night so everyone could enjoy this party. Obviously I was wrong.’
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘I’m over it, Kit. It’s bad enough that you turn up here with a man you know I can’t stand, but upsetting my friends is just beyond a joke. What is wrong with you? Are you so jealous of my life you feel you have to sabotage it to make yourself feel better?’
Libby may as well have slapped her across the face. Clearly she’d been harbouring resentment for some time, but now was not the moment to unpack it, not with Alli’s wellbeing at stake. ‘Honestly, Libby, it’s nowhere near as dramatic as you imagine. Alli was feeling unwell.’
‘Come off it, Kit, I saw the two of you arguing. I’m not an idiot – I know there was something else going on. Did Alli say something to you about John, is that it?’
An uncomfortable lump formed at the base of Kit’s throat. She’d known that Libby was not happy about John’s presence at the party but the vehemence in her voice indicated a far deeper problem with their friendship. ‘No. Really, Libby, you are making something out of nothing.’
‘Okay, fine. But I know you think all these women are just empty vessels, that they’re not worthy of my time. But you’re wrong about that. Georgina is kind and caring and she’s had to overcome adversity in her life just like the rest of us. That ball that you keep rolling your eyes about is to raise money for SIDS. Georgina doesn’t talk about it much but she and Richard lost their firstborn, just like my parents did. Except instead of spending her life making everyone else’s a misery like my mother has, George decided to channel her grief into something positive. And –’
Kit raised her palms in a gesture of surrender. She needed to make this stop before things got completely out of hand and they both said things they would later regret. ‘Okay, okay, I get it. You think these women are nice, you like them, and that’s okay, truly it is. I don’t have to love all your friends, like you don’t have to love all mine, but that’s not –’
‘You don’t really have any friends other than me, though, do you? Not real ones. You never needed them because you’ve always had your mum, and me, standing behind you. But now Jude’s gone and you can’t bear the thought that you might not be the most important person in my life. I love you, Kit, you’re like family to me, but I’m sick of you thinking our closeness gives you the right to interfere in my life. I’m a grown woman and I can make my own decisions.’ Libby’s face was contorted in anger.
Interfere? That was rich. Kit’s cheeks burned with anger. All those times Libby had called her to complain, begging Kit for her advice, was that interfering? She’d tried to help, that was all. ‘I can’t believe that’s what you think of me. When have I ever interfered in your life?’
‘When haven’t you? You’ve always rushed in and decided what was best for me. Who I should be friends with, what I should care about, even whether or not I should lose my virginity.’
‘What? I have no idea what you even mean by that.’ Clearly Libby was drunk and had no idea what she was saying. She wasn’t even making sense now.
‘Remember Goody? Behind the bike sheds? You saw us and immediately got involved. You decided I was being raped because it never once occurred to you that I might have decided that I wanted to have sex with him. You swept on in with your self-righteous assumptions and ruined my whole bloody life. I was like a pariah after that. No one talked to me at school for a year. Do you know what that was like?’
All the oxygen left Kit’s lungs and she opened her mouth in an attempt to drag some of the cold night air back into them. Had she been wrong to step in all those years ago? Why hadn’t Libby said something? ‘If that’s truly the case then I’m sorry, but honestly, that’s just not the way I remember it. If you were so fine, why didn’t you just say so? And why is this the first time I’m hearing about it?’
Libby shook her head. ‘When would I have said something? You bowled on in there like a freight train and the whole thing was over in the blink of an eye. After that the damage was done. What was the point in arguing with you about it?’
Kit took a moment to process what Libby had just said. This new version of events did not fit with her memory of what had happened. But Libby seemed adamant that it was the truth, at least in her mind. Over the years one of them had mentally rewritten history. Was it possible she’d made a huge mistake all those years ago? The image of Libby pinned against the shed wall was vivid in her mind. The act hadn’t looked remotely consensual to her. But even if she had misinterpreted the whole thing, she’d done it with love and the best of intentions. It was Libby’s welfare she was concerned with rather than some desire to meddle in her life. Surely Libby knew that. ‘Look, I’m sorry if I acted out of turn about what was going on then, but it was years ago now, and if I did make a mistake, it was only because I was trying to protect you.’ She was on the verge of tears now.
Libby sighed audibly. ‘I know that, but I’m an adult now and I’ve had enough. You’re not my mother. I don’t need your protection or your interference. You always think you know better than me. It’s up to me who I’m friends with, and just because you care about me it doesn’t give you the right to start choosing my acquaintances. I honestly can’t believe you think your behaviour towards Alli was okay.’
Kit finally lost her temper. ‘For God’s sake, when will you realise the whole fucking world doesn’t revolve around you? What happened out here, between Alli and me, had nothing – nothing – to do with you at all. When are you ever going to grow up and realise that other people have lives, lives that don’t involve you? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe Alli has shit going on that you don’t know about?’
Libby’s mouth dropped open and Kit immediately regretted the words. Not because she’d called Libby out for being self-involved – Libby’d had that coming for some time – but because she’d come dangerously close to breaking a confidence, and that would be unforgivable. Her only hope was that in Libby’s inebriated state she might not put the pieces together.
‘Stop trying to divert the conversation away from what we’re talking about. Alli’s the most together person I know, and if she did have a problem I can’t imagine she’d choose to discuss it with you.’
Kit didn’t answer. She couldn’t. Alli was one of the centre’s clients. On her arrival at the party Alli had immediately recognised a couple of the centre’s staff members and it didn’t take her long to join the dots and work out that these people were Kit’s workmates. Even though Alli’s specific counsellor wasn’t present, she was paranoid that her status as a client would be outed. She quickly sought Kit out and begged her to keep her visits to the centre a secret.
‘Please,’ she’d said, ‘I had no idea that you were the friend Libby always speaks of and that you and the others from the centre would be here tonight. Libby doesn’t know, in fact none of my friends know what’s going on, and if Greg suspects anything . . .’ Alli hadn’t had to finish the sentence. Kit was well aware of what men like Greg were capable of.
‘I assure you, no one here will give away anything. Even if we wanted to we couldn’t. It’s against our professional code of ethics.’
Alli had looked relieved and thanked Kit before turning to go back inside, but Kit had stopped her and asked her to consider letting her friends know what was going on at some point. ‘The more support you have around you, the easier it will be for you to make the break.’
Alli shook her head. ‘I cou
ldn’t possibly tell anyone. They wouldn’t understand. And if our . . . troubles became public knowledge that would be the end of Greg’s career. That would be disastrous.’
Kit bit her lip in frustration. ‘But, Alli, surely you can see that you can’t go on the way you are?’
Alli laughed. ‘Of course we can. We’ve been married for seventeen years. We have two children. All couples have their rough patches. I just overreacted to ours, that’s all. My mum always said I was too sensitive. Greg’s a good man. We have a good life. I couldn’t possibly leave him. I regret being such a crybaby. Now if you’ll excuse me . . .’
Kit had grabbed her arm and pleaded with her to keep up the counselling sessions, but before she’d been able to say too much more they’d been interrupted by Libby, with Greg hot on her heels.
Now Libby had got herself wound up and she was saying things she’d obviously stewed on for a long time. ‘You’ve never liked me having other friends. Even when we were kids. You were always making me pledge that we were best friends. You were jealous of my other friendships. And you turned everyone against me at high school.’
Kit’s chest began to burn and she pressed a hand to it to try to ease the pain. ‘I did no such thing. For God’s sake, Libby, you’re drunk and you’re being ridiculous.’
Libby looked indignant. ‘I’m not the one being ridiculous. You always do this. Whenever I get close to someone you do something to push them away. You did it with Goody, you make no secret of your disdain for Cameron and now you’re trying to drive a wedge between me and Alli.’ She wobbled on her platform shoes and had to place a hand on a nearby pillar to steady herself.
‘For God’s sake, lower your voice. I am not trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. We’re not in school anymore. Anyway, I don’t want to keep talking about this, not with the state you’re in.’ Kit turned to walk away but Libby was not done with her yet. She grabbed her by the arm.
‘Don’t you walk away from me. I’m not finished. I might be drunk but I know what I’m saying. I’m telling you things I should have said a long time ago.’
Kit’s anger got the better of her. She had never wanted anything but the best for Libby. Now the woman she’d thought of as a sister since she was eleven years old was accusing her of being a malevolent influence in her life. A misunderstanding was one thing, but this bile Libby was spewing was totally unfair and uncalled for. She turned around. ‘Go on then. Do your worst. Tell me what a terrible person I am.’
Libby’s expression softened momentarily. ‘I don’t think you’re a terrible person, Kit. I just think we’ve grown apart. We lead very different lives. I feel like you’re always judging my life – my marriage, my friends and especially my parenting. I know you don’t agree with the way I’m bringing up Harry – if you did you would never have brought that man here tonight.’
‘That’s not true. My relationship with John has nothing to do with you, or Harry.’
‘Doesn’t it? Didn’t you meet him when you were discussing my child behind my back?’
‘Libby, it wasn’t like that. I was Harry’s guardian. You left me in charge. I was only trying to do the right thing by Harry and by you.’
‘But you didn’t consult me. You decided what the right thing to do was on your own. Harry’s not yours. I can’t help it if you regret not having a child of your own. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sorry for you, really I am, but that was your choice, not mine. Harry’s my child, and he only needs one mother. I can’t help you make up for your mistakes by sharing him.’
The words tore at Kit’s insides like she’d swallowed shards of glass. ‘You know I am not childless by choice.’
Libby’s shoulders sagged. ‘I’m sorry you were robbed of the choice, but my child cannot be your consolation prize.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ, Libby, I can’t believe that’s what you really think of me. I thought we were family. I thought you loved me the way I’ve always loved you. I shared everything I ever had with you, including my mother, and this is what you think? That it’s my fault that I’m childless and that I’m some jealous old crone trying to steal your son from you? Well fuck you.’
She marched off towards the house, bitter tears stinging her eyes. Libby was still talking but her words were lost in the wind and the thrumming of Kit’s pulse in her ears. As she approached the doorway Cam stepped out to speak to her. ‘I’ve been looking for you two. Felicity wants to know what time you want to do the cake. She’s thinking we should do it soon before people get too inebriated.’ His gaze shifted behind her to where Libby was standing. She’d gone quiet now, but Cam’s expression revealed that he sensed something was amiss. ‘Perhaps that ship’s already sailed.’
Kit blinked back her tears. ‘Sorry, Cam, I don’t think I’ll be staying for cake. Thanks for your hospitality but I’ll be off now.’
Cam shook his head in confusion but before either of them could say anything further, Libby stumbled towards them, grabbing hold of Cam’s shoulder to steady herself as she reached them. ‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m going home.’ Kit kissed Cam’s cheek. ‘I’m sorry, but I honestly think it’s for the best.’ She turned to enter the house.
‘You can’t just storm off,’ Libby yelled at her back. ‘What will people think?’
Kit swivelled around and saw the face of her oldest friend, who she barely knew. ‘Well, that’s just the thing, Libby. I don’t give a flying fuck about what most people here think of me. But I do care about your opinion. And you’ve made that abundantly clear.’
Chapter 26
‘Lottie, come on.’ Libby tugged on the lead and rolled her eyes at Alli. ‘Sorry, this little one is such a sloth. I swear she’s the only dog in the world that detests going on her daily walk. I wish she was as energetic as Muffin.’
Alli grinned at the yapping ball of fluff tugging at her lead. ‘Yep, Muffin is a firecracker all right. She hardly ever stops. Well, not until night-time. Then she turns into a lap dog, which is just as well really. Greg’s not a dog person. I think she’d drive him nuts if she ran around the house at night the way she does all day.’
‘Maybe we should swap dogs. You know, we got Lottie for Harry and I pictured the two of them playing fetch in the backyard, or Harry riding his bike with the dog running along beside him, but Lottie’s so lazy she can barely be bothered to walk, let alone run. And forget playing fetch. She chases the ball a couple of times and then gives up. All she wants to do is eat, sleep and have her belly rubbed.’
Alli laughed. ‘Yes, she’s definitely more Greg’s speed, but I could never give up my little Muffin, could I, baby?’ She bent down and scratched Muffin behind the ears. ‘With the girls away so much she’s become like a surrogate child. I’m one of those sad old ladies who lives for her dog.’
‘Pfft, there’s nothing sad or old about you, my friend.’ Libby looked at her watch. ‘It’s still early. Do you feel like heading to the café for a quick coffee? It’s such a nice morning, we could probably sit outside with the dogs.’
‘Yeah, why not? I have a yoga class later, but it’s not until eleven so we have plenty of time.’
‘Great. I might get a puppycino for Lottie as a reward for making her walk all that way.’
Twenty minutes later they sat at a table in a sheltered spot by the lake with both dogs contentedly lapping canine-friendly beverages on the ground beside them.
Alli stirred sweetener into her latte. ‘For God’s sake, don’t tell Felicity about this,’ she said, pointing to her coffee. ‘I’m supposedly doing some sugar-free, caffeine-free, dairy-free, wheat-free challenge at the gym this month. Apparently it will give me a sense of wellbeing like I’ve never experienced before.’
Libby cocked an eyebrow. ‘How’s that working out?’
‘Three days in and I could barely lift my head off the pillow this morning. Yesterday I bit the head off t
he young boy at the checkout for putting fruit and meat in the same bag, and last night I cried when I realised I’d run out of night cream. Otherwise I feel fantastic.’
Libby laughed. ‘Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. We can’t have you tormenting shop assistants or dissolving into floods of tears at the drop of a hat. Don’t think of your caffeine consumption as breaking your challenge, think of it as performing a community service.’
Alli raised her latte in a salute. ‘Now you’re talking. To caffeine, the greatest mood stabiliser known to humankind.’
Libby took a sip of her coffee before averting her gaze from Alli’s. She pretended to be fussing with Lottie’s collar as she asked, ‘Speaking of Felicity, did she say anything to you about my party?’
‘Yes, darling, I’m afraid she did. I don’t think there’s anyone in Arcadia Lakes who hasn’t heard about the spectacular end to your little shindig.’
Despite the chill in the air Libby’s cheeks began to burn. ‘Oh God. What did she say?’
‘She said you were pretty drunk and that you and Kit had some sort of argument in the backyard after which Kit left. Of course Felicity being Felicity it was all about her – how the pair of you had no consideration for the amount of work she’d put in to make the party special, and what appalling manners you both have. You know, her typical self-involved rubbish. I took most of what she had to say with a grain of salt.’
Libby winced. ‘To be fair, she’s not wrong. What happened was totally appalling and a lot of it was my fault.’
‘I’m sure there was fault on both sides. You know what they say, it takes two to tango. And you were drunk, darling. These things happen. Honestly, it really doesn’t bear worrying about.’ Alli waved her hand dismissively, as if she was eager to move the conversation on.
But Libby wasn’t done. What had happened was awful and she really needed to offload to someone who wouldn’t judge her too harshly. ‘Felicity’s version is actually pretty accurate. I had too much to drink, I was upset and I said a whole lot of things that I now totally regret.’