by Lisa Ireland
‘Was what you said true?’
Libby blew out a breath and watched the frosty cloud it formed while she contemplated her answer. ‘Yes. And no. It’s complicated.’
‘Relationships always are.’
Libby nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess. I don’t really understand what happened on Saturday night. We’ve had our arguments, of course, but nothing like this, nothing that we couldn’t come back from. I said some dreadful things to her at the party, things that I knew would hurt her badly, and I don’t know if she’ll be able to forgive me this time.’
‘Do you want to tell me what you said?’
Libby shook her head. ‘Not really, and not because I don’t want you to know what a terrible friend I am – you can just take it from me that I am. I can’t really give you the specifics because to do so I’d have to tell you things about Kit that I promised I would never tell another soul.’
‘Fair enough. Look, I know you think whatever you said is unforgivable, but you’ve been friends for such a long time that I’m sure if you apologise Kit will come around.’
‘I don’t know. This was pretty bad, and besides . . .’ She paused, wondering if this next confession was too awful to actually say out loud. The thing was, she didn’t know if she really wanted Kit to come around. What if their friendship had passed its use-by date?
‘What?’
Libby shrugged. ‘Nothing, don’t worry.’
‘Come on. You can trust me, Libby. Besides, it’ll feel better once you get it off your chest.’
Alli was right. Ever since Saturday she’d felt like there was a lead weight in her stomach. It would feel better to talk about it with someone. In fact only last night she’d been considering booking time with a counsellor to do just that. It wasn’t like Cam would understand any of this. And in any case he still wasn’t talking to her much after Saturday night’s debacle. Perhaps Alli could help her put the whole thing with Kit into perspective. ‘Yeah, okay. I would like to get another opinion. I’ll tell you as much as I can without breaching Kit’s privacy.’
‘Go on then. I’m listening.’
‘It started when I overhead Harry apologising to John Quinlan for his behaviour at Claybourne. I’m sure Kit put him up to it and I was pretty annoyed at her for interfering. It was bad enough having that man in my house after what happened, but when I overhead Harry apologising – he was clearly uncomfortable doing it – I just saw red. I called Kit out on it.’
‘How did she react?’
‘Oh, she denied having anything to do with Harry’s apology. She said it was his idea, but I know how Harry adores her. Even if she didn’t flat out ask him she must have manipulated him somehow so that he thought he had to do it to keep her happy.’
Alli looked thoughtful. ‘Are you sure? You have been talking about how Harry has matured these past couple of months. Maybe he did want to make amends.’
Libby huffed out a long slow breath. ‘Yeah, maybe. But the whole point is that man really shouldn’t have been in our house. I can’t believe Kit put me in such an awkward position. It was pretty selfish of her in my opinion. It’s not like he’s her boyfriend or anything. Kit just doesn’t do relationships. She can’t commit to anyone in a meaningful way. So she screws them for a few weeks and then moves on.’
‘Smart woman.’
‘What?’
‘I’m kidding. Seriously. Go on.’
‘As I was saying, it’s not like this thing with John Quinlan will turn out to be serious, so there was really no need for her to tell me about him. If she hadn’t insisted on bringing him on Saturday night they could have been screwing each other’s brains out secretly and I would have been none the wiser. Eventually Kit would move on and there would have been no harm done.’
Alli’s face remained impassive.
‘You don’t agree?’
‘It really doesn’t matter what I think. This is about you and Kit.’
‘But I want to know if you think I overreacted to him being there. Cam seems to think I was totally out of line.’
Alli shook her head. ‘You can’t help how you feel. I guess it’s tricky because the party was for Kit too, and, just looking at it from her point of view for a minute, she probably feels like she has every right to invite whoever she wants. Even so, if she knew that John’s presence would be likely to upset you, maybe she would have been better to just come on her own.’
‘Yes, exactly. The thing is, I was caught off-guard when I saw him with Harry and I just reacted. I didn’t have time to think about the consequences. So once we’d had words about John being there Kit was shitty and decided she was going to leave, but Cam talked her out of it. I was so stressed that I downed a few too many champers and then I saw her arguing with you outside and I just totally lost my cool.’
Alli’s cheeks turned pink. ‘We weren’t arguing.’
‘Really? Because it sure looked like it from where I was standing. And to be truthful I wasn’t really that surprised. Kit has always had a lot of strong opinions about the “Real Housewives of Arcadia”. She pretty much thinks women who don’t have to work are somehow letting down the sisterhood.’
Alli gave a wry smile and rolled her eyes.
‘So if she said something offensive or provocative to you, it’s okay to say so. Kit’s already not talking to me, so it’s not like you can make the situation worse.’
‘I swear to you we were not arguing. Kit may not like me, but that certainly wasn’t the impression she gave me the other night.’
‘What was going on then? I know you said you were unwell but you seemed to be having a very animated conversation.’
Alli’s gaze dropped. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you this but we were talking about you.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes. I was telling Kit I didn’t feel well and I wanted to leave the party but I feared you would be upset if I let you down on your special night.’
God, maybe Kit was right. Maybe she was the selfish one. ‘Why would you think that? I would never be upset at something like that. Surely you don’t think I’m that self-centred?’
‘No, that’s not what I meant at all. It’s just that I know what it’s like to be let down on a special occasion and I didn’t want to do that to you. Kit was getting frustrated with me, that’s all. She was trying to convince me that you wouldn’t mind. And I guess she was a bit pissed off with you already so she was saying things like you wouldn’t be much of a friend if you got upset with me for leaving. Honestly, that’s all it was. Maybe Kit’s actions were exaggerated because she’d been drinking. Or maybe your interpretation was off because you’d been drinking, but we weren’t arguing, I swear.’
Libby’s heart sank. She’d been so sure of Kit’s intentions and she was wrong. She’d blasted Kit for something she hadn’t done. This whole massive blow-up could have been avoided.
Or could it? Her thoughts returned to the question she’d asked herself at the beginning of this conversation. Was her friendship with Kit worth salvaging? What did they even have in common anymore other than a shared history?
‘Well, I feel bad about that. I accused her unfairly and I should, I mean I definitely will, apologise for that.’
‘Perhaps the two of you just need to spend some time together. Maybe take her out to dinner somewhere quiet by way of an apology and really talk to each other.’
‘Maybe.’ She paused, wondering whether to give voice to her next thought. Eventually she shrugged. ‘I know this is going to sound terrible, but I’m not entirely sure I can be bothered with the whole thing. I owe her an apology for falsely accusing her and I will give her that, but as for the repairing the friendship, I’m not sure that it’s worth it. If we were just meeting each other for the first time now, I’m pretty sure neither of us would choose to have the other as a friend. And you were the one who said that ou
r friendship was more fantasy than reality.’
Alli met her gaze. ‘Yes, I did. But I never meant to imply it’s entirely worthless or unsalvageable, just that now you might have to reassess some of the things you thought you knew about each other. You have a long history together. You’ve said you’re more like family than friends. And families don’t give up on each other. At least they shouldn’t . . .’ She trailed off, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
‘I understand what you’re saying, really I do, but when I think about it, things haven’t been right between us for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, Kit has been a great friend to me over the years. She’s loyal almost to a fault . . .’ Libby paused for a second to consider her choice of words. She didn’t want Alli to think she was being a cow, but now that she’d started she was desperate to get all these feelings off her chest. ‘That can be hard to live up to at times. For years now I’ve felt like I was somehow falling short of her expectations. Everything is so black and white with her. The thing is, it’s easy to stand up for what you believe in when it doesn’t have any personal consequences. Kit doesn’t have a partner or a child to consider, so if she pisses someone off with her actions she’s the only person who suffers the consequences. Not all of us have that luxury.’
‘Kit’s an intelligent woman. I’m sure she understands that.’
Libby shook her head. ‘I don’t think she does. At least it doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels like I’m constantly disappointing her, and that’s exhausting.’
‘Kit loves you, Libby. Even from the short amount of time I’ve spent with her I can see that. That’s not something that should be thrown away without a care. Believe me, I know what it’s like to have someone give up on me . . .’ She faltered for a second, her voice thick with emotion.
‘Alli, are you okay? What is it?’
She shook her head and waved her hand dismissively. When she spoke again her voice was calm and even. ‘Nothing, truly. It’s just I remember what it was like to be close to my family, to my sister in particular, and now . . . well, that’s just not the case anymore. I miss her and I wish things were different between us, but it’s too late. I guess I’m just worried that if you don’t try to mend this rift with Kit, you’ll regret it one day, and by then it might be too late to do anything about it.’
For a moment Libby forgot about Kit and thought about Alli’s family. She’d never mentioned them before. What could have happened to make once close sisters so estranged? ‘I’m so sorry to hear that, Alli. Is there no way you can mend things with your sister? Have you tried?’
Alli shook her head. ‘I’ve tried many times, but, well, she wants me to do something that I just can’t do and she doesn’t understand why not. We’ve been at an impasse over this situation for many years and I really can’t see a way forward for us. Maybe if I hadn’t been so stubborn in the beginning, or if she hadn’t been so judgemental, things would be different. But right now we’re not in each other’s lives and that hurts. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. I understand what you are saying about growing apart, but when the chips are down and things go wrong in life, it’s good to have people you can depend on – even if they shit you sometimes. Don’t throw what you have with Kit away on a whim. Really think about what the two of you have before you dismiss her friendship as no longer valuable to you.’
Libby sipped her coffee and didn’t speak. This wasn’t at all the response she’d expected from Alli. She’d expected her friend to immediately take her side. Instead she’d made her realise that what she had with Kit was special, despite the difficulties their relationship presented. What she didn’t know was whether it was special enough to survive the hurts they’d inflicted upon each other these past few months.
‘Don’t isolate yourself from the people who love you, Libby. One day you might need them.’
Chapter 27
Kit sat on the bed in the spare room and looked at the piles of papers and boxes surrounding her. The room was crammed full of stuff and having Libby’s huge canvases stacked against the wall made it even more cluttered. She looked at the paintings wrapped so carefully in brown paper and bubble wrap and wondered – not for the first time – what they depicted. What had Libby painted that she couldn’t show anyone, not even those closest to her? Libby hadn’t mentioned the paintings for a while now. Once she’d started art classes, Kit had expected she’d make arrangements to collect her work but so far it hadn’t happened.
She needed to make a start on sorting all this stuff, but Hugo had followed her in here and settled himself on her lap, making her reluctant to move. Her lack of desire to disturb him was part benevolence, part procrastination. With John away at a principals’ conference until tomorrow afternoon, this was the perfect opportunity to finally get the spare room sorted, but the job before her was daunting. So much of her life was packed up in this room, but now it was time to decide what she wanted to keep and what she could bear to part with. It had been bugging her for months now and she really needed to stop putting off the inevitable.
She gently slid Hugo off her lap and onto the bed. The move did not please his highness one iota and he miaowed his protest before leaping from the bed and making his way out into the hall. She laughed at his haughty antics before settling herself on the floor and opening the first box. Inside there were hundreds of loose photos that needed sorting. Most of them were doubles. She’d stored these because at one point she’d thought she would make a collage with them, but despite her good intentions the project had never gotten any further than a sketchy plan. Most of these could be thrown away as she had the originals in albums and some of the later ones she had digital copies of. Still, she needed to look at each one individually before tossing it. She’d hate to accidentally throw away any of her mum’s old photos. Mixed up in all these boxes there were bound to be some that she didn’t have copies of. Her mission was to find those and to make digital copies. The rest of them could be tossed.
The first photo she put her hands on was one of her holding a chubby-faced Harry on her hip. It was taken on his first birthday, just before Libby had brought out the Thomas the Tank Engine cake that had taken the two of them until one in the morning to complete. Harry was obsessed with trains back then. She’d taken a week’s holiday so she could be there to celebrate the big day and had rarely missed one of Harry’s birthdays since. There was a whole album of photos from Harry’s various milestones on the bookshelf in the living room, so she tossed the photo into the rubbish pile and moved on.
After the first pile of birthday party snaps she found an image that caused a lump to form in her throat. Another one of Harry, this time dressed in a long white robe that had been worn by his father, his uncles and his grandfather before him. Kit was dressed in a demure pale blue dress and wore her grandmother’s pearls at her throat – the one and only time she’d had occasion to wear them. Harry’s baptism. Libby had begged her to be his godmother, and despite her now ardent atheism, her own Catholic baptism all those years earlier meant that she was eligible for the gig. ‘Please, Kit, otherwise I’ll have to ask Tash, and I just can’t even bear the thought of her being responsible for Harry’s “spiritual upbringing”.’
‘But you’re baptising him a Catholic; surely your pious sister-in-law would be a better choice than me?’
Libby rolled her eyes. ‘Tash is a Sunday Catholic. She’s a cow all week and then turns up to confession to make it all better. I want Harry’s godmother to be someone who’s a good person, who has a kind heart and who can teach him about the important things in life.’
Of course she’d relented then, her heart melting at Libby’s kind assessment of her character. She’d vowed to be the best godmother she could, charging herself with the responsibility of nurturing Harry’s social conscience. But now that Harry was a teenager and would need her counsel more than ever, it seemed she might be banished from his life. Her gut clenched at th
e thought.
She’d once hoped to make this room into a sanctuary for Harry. She’d always imagined him coming to spend the night here after they’d been to the footy. Now she wondered if she’d ever get to see him again. Had it really come to that? Surely Libby wouldn’t force Harry to stop seeing her? Libby was not the kind of mother who would deny her child something he wanted, even if granting that wish caused her pain.
In that way Libby was a good mother. She was prepared to sacrifice her own happiness and comfort for Harry’s. Sure, she over-parented in Kit’s opinion, but then again what did she really know about being a mother? As Libby had callously reminded her, she’d had one chance at that and she’d blown it.
Libby was the one person who knew why she’d never had kids. To rest of the world she played the part of a single career woman, who’d rejected motherhood by choice. But Libby knew the truth. So the judgement in her voice the other night had rocked Kit. She’d always believed that Libby approved of her abortion, that she understood why Kit could never have gone ahead with that pregnancy. At the time Libby had seemed so supportive. She’d never once made Kit feel ashamed. But her words the other night indicated Libby’s attitude had shifted in the intervening years.
A lot of things had shifted, it seemed. Once it was as if their two bodies shared one heart, if not exactly one mind. They may have had the occasional difference of opinion on minor things but inside they’d been the same. They’d shared the same values, the same sense of justice and they’d always had a shared vision of what the most important things were in life.
Or that’s what she’d thought. But the last few months had proved otherwise. Libby had turned into one of those women the pair of them used to laugh about. When Libby had lived in Sydney, Kit hadn’t realised just how narrow her world had become. But now it was obvious. Libby’s life revolved around her child who, despite his innate good nature, was in danger of turning into an entitled brat, or at least he had been before he’d been packed off to boarding school.