Joshoku

by Hildred Billings

  While her girlfriend put some things away and turned on the timer on the space heater, Aiko changed into her pajamas and brushed out her hair. “I’m really glad we got to spend some time together today, even if you had to help me babysit. You couldn’t tell because it’s been so long since we started, but my aunt’s house is a lot cleaner than it used to be.” Afternoons toiling away with garbage and feather dusters could never be reclaimed.

  “I didn’t notice it being dirty, so it must have been okay.” The heater clanked to life, and Reina flopped down next to her girlfriend. “I was busy studying anyway.”

  “For your final?”

  “Yeah.”

  Aiko’s face twisted into a goofy smile. “Do you need help studying?” Been a while since she took off her clothes so Reina could remember kanji better.

  “No, I think I’m good for tonight.”

  “Oh... well, let’s have some fun doing something else then.” Ornery Aiko was feeling more than enthusiastic about pushing herself into Reina’s arms. She wrapped her hand around her girlfriend’s shoulder and shuddered at the heat between them. “Surely you’re in the mood.”

  However, Reina looked away. “I kinda want to go to sleep. I have work tomorrow and I want to do some more studying. I need to pass this class. My legacy scholarship only applies for two years, so I can’t run over....”

  “Eh? Are you in that much danger of not passing your class?”

  Reina shrugged. Why is she so down? It wasn’t like Reina to show any signs of depression. Yet her figure slumped, she dodged questions, and she turned down sex, of all things. Is she okay? Aiko took her girlfriend’s hand. “I don’t expect to get a great grade,” Reina said, “but I want to make sure I pass. I’ve made it halfway, haven’t I? This past year would’ve been a waste if I dropped out now.”

  “I’m sure next year will be easier. You can focus more on essays instead of tests.”

  A snort shot out of Reina’s nostrils. “Yeah, next year...”

  “What’s wrong? I know you don’t like school or studying, but things haven’t been that bad, have they?”

  “I don’t really care about the studying.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong.”

  Aiko rubbed Reina’s arm. “It’s those girls bothering you, isn’t it?” The ones who said those awful things in the bar. Aiko still got mad thinking about it.

  Her girlfriend, on the other hand, could only laugh uneasily. “You think I’m intimidated by some rich homophobes?”

  “No, but I think they bully you enough that it makes you not want to go to class. They used to be your friends.”

  “We were never really friends.”

  “If you say so. I’m just saying, I know what it’s like to lose friends in college because they found out you’re... like us.” More often than not Aiko wished she could forget the look of disgust her ex-friend Nana gave her after coming out. I thought she was my friend. What a cruel fate. “What was it that they said in the bar?”

  “Don’t bother remembering what trash they said.”

  “But they said it, and I remember it. Look, Reina, I’m sure everything will work out. They’ll get tired of bullying you eventually.”

  “They’re not bullying me!”

  “Hai, hai.” Aiko pulled back the covers to the futon and crawled in. She waited for Reina to turn off the light and crawl in next to her to continue. “You know I love you, right Reina?”

  “Un.”

  Burning gasoline filled the room as the space heater clanked its way into hibernation. “If they ever make you feel bad, remember that I love you.”

  Reina patted her on the shoulder and said nothing.

  Aiko couldn’t say what her girlfriend was thinking. She could shut herself off from the world easier than a hermit when she put her mind to it – not even Aiko could break down the walls surrounding Reina’s inner thoughts. Perils of dating a private person. But it wasn’t private when her girlfriend was being bothered by two snot-headed assholes with expensive clothes and bad hair. I don’t know what their problem is. Even when Aiko didn’t know she was gay she never had a problem with such people. Certainly not enough to bully them! Reina could also take care of herself. Aiko knew it. If those girls started something, Reina would finish it.

  She hoped her girlfriend wouldn’t get her feelings hurt. Reina liked to pretend that other people’s opinions didn’t affect her, but Aiko knew her well enough by now to know that deep down Reina was as self-conscious as anyone else who dealt with being different.

  One year after beginning her academic journey, Reina sat in the smoking section of the campus yet again in the hopes of building her confidence to attend class.

  Only one more year of this shit. A new year, a new semester. Half of the faces Reina was used to seeing over the past year were replaced with a new crop of wayward first years. Every so often she heard a student ask another where such and such a building was, and it nauseated her. Those bastards will be there. Not to mention work that was harder than the shit Reina put up with before. She barely passed her kanji class. The horrible thing was that those study groups actually helped her get better grades on her exams.

  “The holy Mother have mercy on my soul for still seeing you here.”

  Reina looked up from her cigarette and met Sister Angela’s wrinkled face. “Sorry that I passed my classes. Must be real right bummer for you.”

  If there were a God, then he must be a spiteful one, for Sister Angela planted her ass on the bench next to Reina. Her black habit folded in the spring breeze blowing by. A single pink cherry blossom landed on top of her head before being scared off by the frown on her face. “I don’t begrudge any young woman who wants a good education. My stink is that I’m not sure you appreciate what you have here.”

  Reina continued to smoke even though the wind blew the remnants passed Sister Angela. What does she expect from the damned smoking section? There was a smug satisfaction in being able to smoke around the old headmistress of her high school. Too many times was Reina caught smoking in her uniform and brought before Sister Angela for retribution. Now she wasn’t allowed to give a shit. “I came here to get a degree so I can get a job that’s not part time and shitty.” Reina crossed her legs. “Sorry if that offends you.”

  “I’ve seen your grades. Looks like not much has improved.”

  “Get a decent math class and I’ll clean it up.”

  The sister grimaced. Such was her neutral face. “You have your... talents. Math, as you put it. It’s a shame this school doesn’t invest in the sciences as much as it should. I’ve tried getting them to add an accounting program, at least, but nothing has come to fruition.”

  Fuck that sounds boring. Back in high school Reina took an aptitude test that told her she could be an accountant or tax preparer. Fat chance! She had the brains for it, but not the personality. “Can I help you with something?”

  The air grew colder. “I hear rumors about you. Not as much as I used to, but I’ve noticed that some of your reputation has not died. Still a degenerate harlot, I take it?”

  “Are you Catholic?”

  “Sweet. I’ll grant you I haven’t heard any disgusting details like back at St. Francis. The year after you and Miss Kawazama left I heard a girl tell another that you used to do all sorts of terrible things up on the roof. Whatever happened to your friend?”

  Reina extinguished her cigarette. “Moved back to America and joined the military.” Last she heard Michiko was working on a BA in “International Relations” or whatever that meant. Reina had no idea that the American military offered educational aid to those who were already super rich.

  “Really? Well!” Sister Angela’s hands tumbled in her lap. “Anyway, I must say that I’m rather surprised that you don’t have as many friends as you used to.”

  Friends? Reina snorted. Michiko was her only real friend in high school. Everyone else stayed
far away from her or was only her friend when they wanted sex. Now Aiko’s my only friend. Reina had never been a pro at turning acquaintances into friends. “I didn’t come here to make friends. I do what I have to and get back to my real life.”

  “A charismatic girl like you? Don’t hide behind a screen. If you put your mind to it, you could have plenty of friends. They wouldn’t even have to know about your bedroom sins.”

  Sounds terrible. The best friends were those who knew about it.

  “Then again, I thought I recalled you being in a study group... the kanji instructor told me about it. Some young lady named Hitomi is in charge of it. It’s grown quite big.”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “A girl like that could be good as a friend. Assuming you didn’t contaminate her.”

  Reina should not have reacted. But she did, cringing at the thought of Hitomi and Yoko’s try-hard antics to get a rise out of her. “Is there a point to this? I’ll be gone next year. You’ll never have to see me again.”

  “You’re not a happy person, are you?”

  Reina glared at her.

  “I’ve always thought so. Troubled home life. Erratic friends. Infused with a sinful nature. You’re the type of girl other females want to save. To smother with affection and lay claim to changing you. You even drew me in, way back then. I thought that with some rigid discipline I could knock the homosexuality out of you. Perhaps that’s not meant to be with you. Some people have certain sins their whole life. At this point that’s between you and the Maker. But I’m sure other women will want to save you in some way. Give you money. Food. A better life. You have that kind of aura that asks for it. But you’re never happy, are you? That’s what happens when you come from nothing and can’t see where you’re going. Aimless wandering is fine when you’re a very young person, but you’re grown up now and have completely lost your way. I may not agree with your lifestyle, but it’s plain to see that some aspects of it trouble you. Not just the sin, but the way people treat you for it, right?”

  Another glare. “You would know about that, huh?”

  “Even in our darkest hours, we are affected by what other people think of us.” Sister Angela stood. “You never cared back then. One thing I could say about you was that you were like a duck: all those torrential rainfalls rolled off your back. Now you’re more like a goose. You’ll never be a swan, but at least the duck is immune to poor weather. You must also let words roll off your back. And if someone lays a hand on you... well, I would never condone such a thing. You must not fight sin with sin. Your joshoku may bring out someone’s anger, but what they do with that anger is on them. Good day, Miss Reina.” The nun disappeared into the throng of students darting around on their first day of school.

  Reina remained in her seat for a few more minutes, brain fuzzy with the strange words the sister told her. I’m a goose, huh? She felt as silly as one sitting there on that campus. What business did she have trying to get a degree? Who did she think she was? Someone worthy of an education? Reina laughed, pulling her book bag over her shoulder and heading to class.

  She was early, as usual. The classroom was empty when she entered and sat in the back row. Empty until another young woman entered, long hair freshly dyed a light brown shade.

  “Good morning, Reina,” Hitomi said, slipping into the seat before her classmate. Reina groaned. “I didn’t know you were going to be in this class.”

  Sure you didn’t. Yet this was one of the first times Reina ever saw her alone. “Where’s your friend?” Hitomi was almost never without Yoko by her side.

  “She has to take the other class. Scheduling conflict.” Hitomi opened her kanji notebook and doodled in the date. “Looks like it’s just you and me.”

  Joy. Reina was game for ignoring Hitomi like she always did not. That was until the young woman turned in her seat and gave Reina a self-satisfied look.

  “How’s that girlfriend of yours? She was pretty.”

  Oh no. Hitomi was not bringing Aiko into her mess. Reina thanked her stars when Hitomi and Yoko didn’t reference Aiko in the endless taunts last semester. So she didn’t even deign that question with a response. Why bother when it would be flung right back into her face? Reina glared at Hitomi and twirled her pencil in her hand.

  “I’m asking because you seemed so lovey-dovey with her.”

  “The fuck is your problem?” Don’t fight sin with sin, eh? Good thing Sister Angela wasn’t here to see this escalation. “Why are you so obsessed with my love life? Because I’m gay? You know, for a homophobe you sure are concerned with the state of my vagina.”

  Hitomi gasped. At first Reina thought this would launch them into a full-blown altercation, but the young woman quickly regained her composure and said, “I deserved that.”

  “The fuck you just say?”

  “I deserved that. I’ve been a total ass to you about such an insignificant thing. I know you people aren’t like... toxic or something.”

  “You people?”

  Hitomi blanched as if she did not expect Reina to react that way. “I mean... well, I’m sorry. Truly. I was a total ass last year. I’ve spent this winter break thinking about how you must have felt and... I want to make it up to you. How about I take you out this weekend?”

  Reina stiffened. Did she ask me out? Impossible. “I don’t know about that...”

  “Oh, please! I would feel so terrible if I couldn’t properly apologize. I’ll let you pick where we go. Just you and me. I don’t know if Yoko feels the same way as I do yet.”

  Other students began to file into the classroom. Reina counted their heads and realized she had little time left to respond. “I guess that’s okay.”

  “Great.” Hitomi turned around.

  By the time the instructor came in, carrying his tome of kanji characters Reina would never be able to remember, a terrible feeling sank into her stomach and festered there like a virus. If there was anything Reina learned over her short years, it was to never trust a woman who changed her convictions with the passing seasons. I’m going to regret this. If only she knew then what she would know later.

  When it came to trendy spots in Ni-chome, Reina knew them all. When it came to trendy spots anywhere else in Tokyo, Reina was hopeless.

  Why are there so many dudes here? One man was too many when it came to her Saturday night hangouts. She was used to private parties in karaoke booths, a night at a lesbian bar, or going out to dinner with Aiko in places public enough that she could ignore everyone but her girlfriend. Why isn’t she here to save me from this? Reina should be with Aiko, having fun and working up to a long night in bed. That’s what Saturday nights were for. Not this. Not some dark and grungy bar in Shibuya where girls mimicked fashion models and boys... mimicked fashion models. Reina stood in the entrance of the bar feeling like she was walking into a trap. I’m not like any of these people. The only woman with short hair. A year ago she felt proud to shed her long locks. Now she felt like a freak for the first time since high school.

  “Let’s sit over here,” Hitomi said, finding an empty table in the back corner of the bar. She sat her bag down and assimilated into the crowd with her fancy hair and clothes straight from the major magazines. Reina, in jeans and a tight sweater, ignored the weird looks she got and sat with Hitomi.

  “I’ll have a Diet Coke, please,” Hitomi told a waitress come to take their orders.

  Reina put the beer menu away. “Iced tea, please,” she said. Alcohol would be much more preferable, but if Hitomi wasn’t drinking it would be rude. Usually Reina wouldn’t care about being rude, especially in front of someone who harassed her for nearly a year. But in a strange place like this she could never be too sure.

  The waitress wandered away, and Hitomi folded her arms on the table with pursed lips. “So,” she said, curly hair framing her face, “I want to apologize again for the way I treated you last semester. It was very rude of me.”

  Reina stared at the ta
ble. Some strange English rock song came on over the speakers, a far cry from the usual female Japanese pop or Western singer-songwriters that played in lesbian spaces. Reina would take Maki Ohguro or Tori Amos over this shit any day. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m used to it.”

  “I guess so.” Hitomi paused as the waitress came back with their drinks. A straw popped out of its paper casement as Hitomi shoved it into her Diet Coke. “I admit, I have never met a... woman like you before. I suppose I didn’t know how to handle it.”

  “What is there to handle? I’ve dated girls and I date girls now. I have the same kind of dating life as any other woman my age, but I don’t date men. That’s the only difference.” And the threesomes when Aiko was in the mood. As far as Reina knew though, straight women had a threesome every weekend and national holiday. How do they decide which sex to threesome with? Someone had to have a gay moment.

  “I suppose you’re right.” Hitomi sipped her drink. “How long have you had this deviancy?”

  Reina cocked her head and squinted her eyes at the candid way this stupid girl asked such an offensive thing. “Deviancy? Shit you are a piece of work.”

  “Excuse me.” A smile puckered around the straw again.

  Snorts of disgust flooded Reina’s side of the table. “I’m not a deviant. I’m a lesbian. Sorry if someone told you those were the same thing.”

  “I’m afraid I don’t know the right way to phrase things.” Hitomi cleared her throat. “How long have you been a... lesbian?”

  Arms crossed, Reina debated walking the hell out of there and forgetting this bullshit happened. I’ll find my girlfriend and have sex with her. That’ll get this bad taste out of my mouth. No one tasted as good as Aiko did. “My whole life. You don’t wake up gay one day. You’re made that way. Just takes some longer to realize it than others, because parents raise you to think you’re straight.” Like Sachiko, Reina’s poor and hapless mother. She had never forgiven her daughter for her “deviancies.”

  “Sou desu ka... and you have a girlfriend?”