Falter

by V. J. Chambers

  He brightened. “That’s true.” He beamed up at me. “Can we play hide and seek?”

  “No, now I’m going to the gym.”

  He stuck out his lower lip. “That’s no fun.” Then his eyes got big again. “Hey, can I come with you? I want to lift weights and get strong too.” He made a muscle for me, squinting up his face.

  “Sorry, Chance. It wouldn’t be safe for little kids. I’d be afraid someone might drop weights on you or something.”

  His shoulders slumped.

  “But I promise that I’ll play hide and seek with you later, okay?”

  “You promise?”

  “Pinky swear.” I offered him my pinky.

  He’d never heard of pinky swearing, and so I had to explain it to him. He was in total wonder of it, and I knew he’d spend the rest of the day trying to find excuses to get people to let him pinky swear.

  I left for my car in good spirits. Even though I was heading to the gym to keep back the violence inside me, I didn’t feel the slightest bit violent right then. Chance tended to take all of that right out of me. He was pretty much the coolest thing on earth, and it blew my mind to think that I’d had any part of making him.

  I got in my car, throwing my duffel bag in the back seat. I backed out of the driveway and headed for the gym.

  I’d kept my distance from my son for most of his life. When I’d first found out that Polly was pregnant, I didn’t want anything to do with it. I hadn’t gone after her, and I hadn’t tried to be part of his life. I hadn’t meant for Polly to get pregnant. We’d been as careful as was possible in the middle of a breakdown of modern society. It had been an accident. Or maybe it was something Polly wanted. She liked me way more than made any sense.

  That was the thing about girls like her. They adored me, and I hated them. The more they adored me, the more I hated them. I wasn’t sure why it wasn’t that way with Azazel. Maybe it was because she’d saved me the first night I’d met her, or because of the way she’d betrayed her entire family to be with me. Or maybe there was something else about it. I remembered some shred of that long dream when we were in the coma, something about the dark and the light and being two halves of the same coin and destiny and—

  But that was the same shit that everybody had been feeding us since we were kids, just giving a different name and a different twist.

  In the end, it didn’t matter why I loved Azazel and why I didn’t love other women. It only mattered that it was true. She was the most important thing to me in the world.

  Well, she had been, anyway. Since Chance had been born, things had been different.

  Before I saw him, I barely thought about him. The only time I even brought him up in conversation was when I wanted to make him a bargaining chip in an argument I was having. At the time, Azazel had him, and I tried to take him back a few times. Not because I wanted him. Simply because I wanted to use him to make her angry.

  But then after our powers were taken away, there was this short period of time during which Azazel and I lived together with Chance, and he wasn’t even a year old yet. I remembered that I wouldn’t let him call me “daddy” or anything like that. I insisted Azazel call me Jason and that we teach him that was my name.

  I fell in love with him then. I don’t know why. I guess that’s the mystery of parenthood, the fact that a tiny little being commands your instant love and devotion for reasons you can’t explain.

  But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting him.

  That was why I ran away from him, and that was why—when we’d first woken up from the coma—I’d stayed clear of Chance. I’d done so many terrible things in my life, and he was so perfect and innocent and sweet. I was afraid that I’d damage him somehow. And I thought that even knowing that I was his father might do that to him.

  But it didn’t seem to be true at all. I didn’t hurt him. In fact, I’d probably hurt him more by ignoring him. He wanted to know me, and I’d been a coward. Now, I was happy that I had a relationship with him. He rounded out my life, made it mean something more than just one slaughter followed by another one. And I was endlessly intrigued by him. He was absolutely amazing.

  Okay, occasionally, he was also an amazingly annoying brat, but—from what I understood—that was fairly typical of six-year-olds.

  I pulled into the parking lot of the gym, still thinking about how glad I was to have a relationship with my son. I parked my car, got out, and reached into the back for my duffel bag.

  A woman was getting out of her car across from me. She glanced at me, and then did a double take.

  She was still staring at me as I closed the car door and slung my duffel over my shoulder.

  “You’re him, aren’t you?” she said.

  Was she talking to me? I glanced around to make sure there was no one else around.

  “You’re Jason,” she said.

  What? I’d never seen this woman in my life. “How do you know my name?”

  “Oh, from years ago,” she said. “There were these videos on YouTube. My friends and I used to watch them all the time. It is you, isn’t it?”

  Yeah, okay, that was me. I always worried that I’d get recognized from that period of time in my life, but thus far, it had never happened. I strode across the parking lot and shook her hand. “It’s me. Nice to meet you.”

  She gulped. “Oh my god. You just shook my hand.”

  I pulled it back. Her reaction made me feel uncomfortable. I’d never been sure how I’d respond to someone who knew who I was from those days. Maybe I was doing it wrong. It seemed stupid to deny who I was, but now that I had, I was beginning to think it had been a bad idea. She was still enamored with the idea of me. She didn’t understand the reality was violence and pain.

  “Wow,” she said. “I never knew what happened to you. My friend Marissa and me, we both kept trying to get to Jasontown. There was this... call that we felt. But the OF was in the way, and we never made it.”

  I backed away. This was way worse than someone who’d seen me in the street fights. This person had seen my recruitment videos. For my cult. “You know, it’s a good thing you didn’t, because everyone in Jasontown died.” I turned away from her and began to walk. “It was nice to meet you. Have a good day,” I threw over my shoulder.

  She came after me. “You’re different. It’s definitely you. I can tell that. But you used to seem so calm, like you radiated this peace or something. And now you don’t seem that way at all.”

  Okay, how was I going to get rid of this woman? I couldn’t very well tell her that the calmness I’d radiated before came only because I was secure in the knowledge that I was controlling everyone’s minds in Jasontown. They had been my toys, and I’d stood them up and made them march around from my amusement. Sometimes, I’d killed them. That had been for fun too. I’d enjoyed it. My stomach was starting to churn.

  “What are you doing in New Jersey, anyway?”

  “Look, I really can’t talk.” I started for the door to the gym.

  She blocked me, inserting her body between me and the door. “Wait. I don’t mean to be rude, but you were the only thing that got me through the dark times, when the power was dead, and everyone was fighting. I lost everyone, you know. My parents, my brother, my boyfriend. I was so alone. And your videos made me feel like there was a place I might belong. You made it easier to stay alive.”

  Dammit. I couldn’t brush her off after she’d said that. I looked her up and down. She was an attractive brunette. She had swelling hips and a tiny waist. I could see her figure clearly in her tight workout clothes. I swallowed. “I’m glad something I did helped someone. Because back then, whatever I did mostly only caused pain and destruction.”

  “You did help me.” She cocked her head. “But you don’t seem okay now. You seem sad. You seem like you’re struggling with something.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You’re a great man—”

  “I’m not.”

  “Don’t be modest. Y
ou’re Jason. It wasn’t just me you inspired, you know. There was a group of us that was trying to get to you. We tried so hard. You meant everything to us.” She grabbed my hand. “Is there anything I could do for you?”

  My mouth felt dry. “No, please, I’m okay.”

  “I’d do anything.”

  Anything? She’d do whatever I wanted? I could take her out of this parking lot in my car. I could drive us somewhere where no one would bother us. And if she changed her mind, if she started screaming, well, it would be too late, then, wouldn’t it?

  I snatched my hand out of hers. “Stop.”

  She looked confused.

  “You don’t know what I am, not really. You think a guy who’s trying to get a bunch of people to come live on a commune, only talking about peace and love, is a great man?” I shook my head. “You ever hear of Charles Manson?”

  I turned and stalked across the parking lot, back to the car. Screw the gym. I didn’t need to go to the gym. Ever again. I bet Azazel would let me buy my own weights and set them up somewhere in the house. It wasn’t like she wasn’t loaded with her dead grandmother’s money, after all.

  * * *

  ~azazel~

  Grace set down her gun. “Can you believe he didn’t even tell me about the last mission?”

  “Well, I guess he was trying to keep you safe,” I said. We were at target practice. Headquarters was big, with a lot of unused space, and so I’d had a few rooms turned into a shooting range. I’d been teaching Grace her way around guns for several months now, and I liked to keep in practice too, so that I didn’t get rusty.

  “That’s what Boone always says. He says he’s trying to keep me safe. It’s annoying. He’s like the big brother I never wanted.”

  “I think he means it. He doesn’t want anything to happen to you.” I gestured to her gun. “You want to try a few more shots?”

  She picked the gun up. “He’s a cuntlicking bastard.”

  I winced. Grace had quite a mouth on her. She was always letting out these vulgar insults.

  She squeezed off a few shots. “Fuck. I’m way off.”

  I looked. She’d definitely done better. “It’s okay. Shake it off and try again.”

  “I can’t shake it off,” said Grace, putting the safety on and setting the gun back down. “I’m too worked up about this. Boone is ruining my life. That’s what’s happening.”

  “Because he didn’t let you go on that mission with Jude and me?” I said. “Trust me, it was a Jude-and-me mission. And it got botched up anyway. I thought the guy was a vampire, but he didn’t heal. We got nothing.”

  She sighed. “It’s not about that mission. It’s about Boone in general. He makes me so frustrated.”

  “Because he treats you like a kid.”

  “Yeah. You know, before we got out of being locked up here, he and I were kissing. Kissing. He liked me then. But ever since we got out, he won’t even be alone with me. And it’s because he thinks I’m a child.”

  “Well, Grace, you are young,” I said. “And you’re younger than him.”

  “Not that much,” she said. “Three years younger. He’s eighteen. I’m fifteen. It’s not that weird.”

  “When he graduates from high school and goes to college, it might be a little weird,” I said.

  “We’re not going to go to college.”

  “You might,” I said. “You should.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Anyway,” I said, “I’m on your side. I think that you two have been through a lot, and I’m not sure either of you would relate to people who hadn’t suffered as much. I don’t think it’s that weird either. I’m pulling for you guys.”

  “But he’s not into it.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I tease him about it, but it makes him mad. He obviously cares about you. But maybe he wants a normal life, and maybe he wants to try to forget that you guys were prisoners together for years.”

  She sighed. “I want that too. But it can’t happen. I’m in eighth grade math, for fuck’s sake, since I missed all those years of school. And for extracurricular activities, I kill vampires. Oh, and my parents are dead. Normal life? Pretty much destroyed.”

  That sounded so familiar to me that it almost hurt. I wasn’t killing vampires when I was Grace’s age, but I was only two years older when I watched my parents get shot to death in front of me, and I went cross country with Jason, running from people who were trying to kill us. I’d had to grow up fast. I’d had to defend myself. I’d learned to shoot. I’d learned to kill. And I’d left normal behind. Even before the electricity went off all over the east coast and messed up everyone’s lives, I’d known somewhere deep down that I’d never be normal.

  I wanted to hug Grace. But she and I did not have a touchy-feely relationship. She confided in me about her lack of a love life with Boone on occasion, but that was about as girly as it got. So, I didn’t hug her. “Jason used to be obsessed with being normal too.”

  “Oh, yeah? How’d that work out for him?”

  “I think he gave up on it after our prom got shot up.”

  Her eyes widened. “Shot up? Your prom?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, people were always chasing us back then.” I turned to the target. “Gotta say, it’s good to be the ones doing the chasing for once.” I fired several shots in succession.

  “Nice,” said Grace.

  I’d hit the target—which was human shaped—in the head each time. “You can do that too. You need to practice, though.”

  “I can’t,” she said. “Not until I can get over Boone. And I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to do that.”

  “Maybe you should go out with someone else,” I said. “At the very worst, it might make Boone jealous.”

  “Like it’s easy to just go out with someone,” she said. “Nobody in my school even looks at me. And what am I supposed to do, go up to a guy and ask him out?”

  Now that I thought about it, it was kind of complicated. I’d had a boyfriend all through high school, and I’d never dated. Afterwards, I’d been with Jason for a long time. Even when we broke up, it had taken a drunken hookup with Kieran for me to start seeing him. And he’d pursued me pretty intensely. I bit my lip. “Okay, well, I concede that’s not exactly the best advice ever.”

  “Thank you.”

  “But you can’t let Boone mess up your ability to take care of yourself. You need to find a way to concentrate on shooting. Put him out of your mind.”

  She groaned. “Like that’s easy.”

  “If you were a normal girl, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. But girls like us, Grace, we can angst over boys and rack up a body count.” I handed her back her gun.

  She sighed. “Okay, fine.”

  “Good,” I said. “Now focus on the target and breathe slowly and naturally.”

  She took the safety off the gun and aimed at her target.

  My cell phone rang.

  I left the room to answer it since the gunshots were pretty loud, I wouldn’t be able to hear otherwise.

  “It’s Mina. I have a favor to ask you.”

  “Okay,” I said. “What’s up?”

  “I’d ask Jason, but he’s not answering his phone. He went to the gym, I think, and I can’t get in touch with him,” she said. “I need someone to watch Chance for an hour or so. I completely forgot about this meeting I have to go to for his school.”

  “Oh, I can do that,” I said. “I’d love to do that. Give me ten minutes, and I’ll be over.”

  “Actually, I was really hoping you’d say that, because I’m outside the door to headquarters. If you run up and meet me, I’ll just drop him off?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  * * *

  Chance was sitting on a chair in the main meeting room. It was too big for him, so his legs dangled, and he was swinging them. The chair also swiveled, so he was twisting himself to make it move back and forth. However, during all of this, he was still acting
like his prim and proper self. He was so cute, it was hard not to giggle at him.

  “We should pretend that we’re at work,” he said.

  “I am at work,” I said. “This is my work.”

  “What do you do while you’re here?”

  “In this room?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “This room is where we talk about our missions.”

  “Missions?” He stopped moving his chair. His eyes got big. “You go on missions?”

  I nodded. “Sure do.”

  “Why for?”

  “Well, to catch bad people, mostly,” I said.

  “Bad people?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “There are people out there who want to hurt people like Daddy and Uncle Jude and Boone and Grace.” And possibly Chance too, for that matter. According to Mina, his occasional scrapes and boo-boos seemed to heal pretty quickly, a sure sign that he had the recessive Nephilim gene. “Because they’re Nephilim. And the bad people want to capture them and use them. So, we stop the bad people from doing that.”

  “Wow.” He was completely blown away. He sagged in the chair, not moving. Then he leaned forward. “You’re telling me the truth, aren’t you? You aren’t just making this up because I’m a kid, and I’m gullible?”

  “Did someone tell you that you were gullible?”

  He nodded. “Avery Trask at school did. He told me that there were huge alligators on the playground, and I believed him. But when got out for recess, he just laughed and said I was gullible.”

  “Well, that was kind of mean of him.”

  Chance shook his head furiously. “No, no. It was a joke. I should have known there weren’t alligators on the playground.”

  “I’m not playing a joke on you,” I said. “I’m telling you the truth.”

  “Okay,” he said. He sat back and thought about it some more. “How come Daddy doesn’t work?”

  That completely floored me. I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew Jason’s real reasons, but I didn’t want to tell his son that his father was afraid of turning into Sgt. Slaughter. “Um... maybe you should ask him, Chance.”