Kinky Book Club Trilogy: Written Submission, unSubmissive and Undercover Submissive

by Daisy Philips

  So she’d been a bust as a sub, but it looked like she might make some friends out of the whole debacle. She liked Amanda and already considered her a friend. She had a feeling that the women of the Kinky Book Club would become friends, too—if she continued attending once they helped her with her book.

  On the one hand, it would be churlish to quit after she got what she wanted from them, but their funny stories about life with their Doms and the silly stories about play sessions that had gone wonderfully, horribly wrong were like a knife in her gut.

  She was being silly, of course. She had only met Ben once. Why did she miss him so much? She’d made a big, big mistake. There was no other way to look at it. She’d panicked and rejected him before he could reject her. She was clearly an idiot, but it was too late for regrets.

  One by one, she hugged the women goodbye and promised to return for the next meeting. Then it was just her and Amanda.

  “Well, I guess I should be going, too.”

  “Not yet. I have to talk to you about something.” Jane knew her expression gave away her thoughts. “I’m not going back.”

  “But you were loving it. I know you were.”

  “Yes, well, that’s neither here nor there. I’m short and fat, and didn’t fit in. I couldn’t even get on the damned spanking bench. And don’t think I didn’t see the looks people were giving us, like what was Ben doing with the troll!”

  “If they were looking, it was because they were wondering who the cute new sub was. No one was judging you. And you aren’t fat. So what if you aren’t model thin? Which of us is?”

  “Yeah, you are so fat. You're what, a size eight?” She saw Amanda’s guilty look. “Six. I’ll bet you are a six. And you're a head taller than I am. I’m a size ten on a good day. Mostly I’m a twelve. I know I’m not exactly fat, but I don’t look like a model either. Wearing that corset and thong…”

  “Honey, no one was looking at you and judging your body. Well, except maybe a couple of the Doms who approached me to find out when your training would be finished so they could set up a play session with you.”

  “You’re making that up!”

  “Nope. Most Doms prefer a woman with meat on her bones. I starved myself to a size two when I joined. No one was interested. Then a good friend convinced me that I didn’t have to be a toothpick; once I’d gained back twenty pounds, everything changed.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Although I do have to admit part of it might have been because I was no longer in a perpetual bad mood due to hunger.”

  “Well, that’s not usually a problem I have. I’m not big on self-denial.”

  “Really? Well what do you call walking out on both Ben and a chance to experience BDSM?”

  “I’m sorry about missing out on the training…”

  “But not about walking out on Ben? You hurt him, you know.”

  “No, that’s not possible. We only knew each other a couple of hours. He probably doesn’t even remember my name. Besides, he’s so tall and hot and sexy that he probably has subs falling all over themselves to submit to him.”

  “That he does! But you are the first one he’s shown a real interest in, in several years.”

  Jane felt a stab of pain. “He made it clear we had an expiration date. I signed up for three months as a trainee. He signed up for three months as my trainer. We don’t have a relationship.”

  “You just said the magic word, Jane. Your trainer. He’s helped with training for a few years now and you are the first sub he’s ever chosen. He’s always just taken whoever was assigned to him.” Jane wanted to turn away as Amanda studied her face. “You like him. I know you do.”

  “He seems like a great guy, but I can’t do this with him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with him, and he’ll walk away from me at the end of training and break my heart.”

  “In other words, you're a chicken.”

  “You implied he has a problem with commitment. Why should I take a chance when it probably isn’t going to work out?”

  “Yup. Chicken. Look, Ben’s story is his to tell you, but let me tell you this. He's a great guy, and if you get to know him better and find out why he’s so skittish about getting involved… you can help him get past it. I just know that you two are meant for each other, Jane.”

  “Even if you are right, it’s too late. I safeworded and walked out on him before our session even got started.”

  Amanda grinned. The twinkle in her eye was downright scary.

  “Tonight is your next scheduled training session. I say, go back. You haven’t submitted your formal withdrawal from the program for a reason. You don’t really want to quit.

  “Jane, show that you are willing to try to overcome your own fears. Wear the damned red corset and thong proudly. And let him spank your ass for running out on him. Show him you can get past your fears, and maybe he’ll let you help him get past his.”

  Ben put down his fork and looked at his watch. He knew intellectually that Jane was probably never going to set foot into Club Hades again, but deep down inside, he had hope. Their first scene hadn’t ended well. Hell, it hadn’t even really started. But they had a connection. Surely, he wasn't the only one who'd felt it.

  “Are you okay, Ben?” He looked over at Julie Martin. She was looking at him with concern. Julie was thirty-seven, tall and blonde with blue eyes. She was beautiful. She was also Chuck’s widow, and she was like a sister to him. She definitely didn’t get his motor running like a certain curvy brunette that he couldn’t stop thinking about.

  “What’s wrong with Uncle Ben, momma? Are you okay, Uncle Ben? Did one of the bad guys hurt you like they hurt daddy?” Troy’s voice rose sharply. He was six and could remember the loss of his father. Chuck Martin had been Ben’s partner, mentor and friend. He’d died almost two years earlier, shot during what should have been a routine door-to-door search for witnesses to an assault. Chuck bled out before help could arrive. Ben had taken a bullet in the side in the same incident and spent two weeks in the hospital.

  Now Ben tried to spend as much time as he could with Troy and Tommy, Chuck’s younger son. Tommy was just four and had no real memories of his father.

  “I’m fine, buddy. Just have some things on my mind.”

  “Can you stay and play Lego Star Wars with us, Uncle Ben.”

  “Please, please!” Troy joined in.

  “Sorry guys. You know that Saturday I have, er, class.”

  “School? On Saturday! Maybe mommy can write you a note?”

  “That only works for students. I’m one of the teachers.”

  “You mean like Mrs. Garcia? I like Mrs. Garcia. She’s pretty and nice, and she helps me with math.”

  “Sort of, Troy. But I’ll play next time.”

  Troy nodded. “Mom, I’m finished eating. Can I go play now?”

  “Me, too!” Tommy chimed in.

  “Give your Uncle Ben a hug, and then you can go to the den and play video games for one hour.”

  “Oh, Mom!”

  “Listen to her, guys!”

  And a few minutes later they were gone, running off to their game, making enough noise for a herd of wild elephants instead of two small boys. They were great kids. He hoped that someday—when Julie eventually remarried—their stepdad would appreciate just how great they were. Of course, he would never stop being there for Chuck’s boys.

  “Sorry about Troy, Ben. But you know how he worries about you.”

  “I know, but I’m like Chuck. I bleed blue.”

  “You bleed red, just like Chuck. I almost lost you both two years ago… and then what would have happened to the boys? No father. No father figure.”

  “You’re a strong woman, Julie. You would have carried on. Besides, what else would I do? I love my job. I make Chicago a safer place for families just like you and the boys.”

  “I spoke to Artie. He says the job’s yours whenever you want it. He
’ll pay you twice what you make now, and no one will shoot at you. You’d just stand around the VIPs and look intimidating.”

  “Julie, I thought we discussed this before. I don’t want to be a rent-a-cop. I’m not taking a security job and that’s final. I don’t want to discuss it again.” He sighed and looked at his watch. “Sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you guys next week, but I don’t want to hear about that damned security job again. Okay?”

  He could see her bottom lip tremble as if she was going to cry.

  “Julie, emotional blackmail didn’t work on Chuck and it won’t work on me.”

  “If it had worked on him, he’d still be alive, the boys would have their father, and I wouldn’t be sleeping alone.”

  “Sleeping alone is your choice, Julie. You’re a beautiful woman.” He saw her face light up. “There are a lot of great guys out there. You’ve been a widow for two years. Time to start dating again.”

  She looked like she was going to argue, but then she blurted out, “You’re going to Club Hades, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. You know I go there every week.”

  “Chuck and I used to go… even after the boys were born, we went at least once a month. I miss it, Ben.”

  He looked at her. Her gaze made him feel uncomfortable. Did she mean she wanted him to top her?

  “I’m sure that someday a man who can… er…”

  “Have I made you feel uncomfortable? I’m sorry!”

  “Oh, sure. Look, Julie. I have to go. We can talk later, maybe.”

  “But can’t you miss just once?”

  “You heard what I said to the boys. I’m teaching tonight. Of all nights, I can’t skip a night when I’m teaching. I don’t walk away from my commitments. You know that.”

  “Is that all the boys and I are to you, Ben?” Her tone was sharp. “A commitment? Because we can do just fine on our own!”

  Her rebuke would have been more effective if he couldn’t see the desperation in her eyes and hear the fear in her voice.

  “I need you Ben. I depend on you. The boys, they love you.” She placed her hand over his. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Julie.” At the joy in her face, he continued hurriedly, “I love you as Chuck’s widow, the boys’ mother, and my friend. I don’t love you that way.”

  “I don’t believe that. You can’t tell me that the last two years didn’t mean anything to you…”

  Ben gently disengaged his hand. “Julie, I think you are an amazing mom. Chuck loved you so much.”

  “Chuck’s dead, but I’m not. We’re not.”

  “No, we’re not. You are a young, beautiful woman. You should be getting back in the dating game. You're too young to be a widow forever. And before you say anything, I’m not an option. I’ve told you before. Love, romantic love, marriage… they’ve never been in the picture for me, not with you, not with anyone. I’m a cop, Julie, just like Chuck. I saw what Chuck’s death did to you and the boys, and I’m not inflicting that on anyone.” Not even if she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met with deep brown eyes and a smile that could light up a room.

  “What’s her name?”

  “Huh?”

  “Damn, Ben. You protest, but I can see that goofy smile on your face.” He saw her smile sadly. “I may not be the woman for you, but I can see that someone is. Only love can cause that expression.”

  “Hell, Julie. You know me so well. I did meet a woman. But she walked out of the training session last week. It was her first session and probably her last. I’m probably never going to see her again, not that I’m looking for a relationship.”

  “Not looking, but you’ve found one, haven’t you?”

  He nodded.

  “But if she walked out of her first training session, maybe the lifestyle isn’t for her. Which means she really isn’t for you. You’re a Dom, Ben. A Dom. Like Chuck was. Men like the two of you… it’s in your DNA. You can’t love a vanilla woman, not and be happy. Maybe the fact she walked out is a good thing. The lifestyle isn’t for everyone.”

  He looked at Julie. Was she right?

  “Tell me about her.”

  “Well, she’s a brunette. Dark brown hair and eyes that twinkle when she smiles. She’s short and curvy and smart, really smart.”

  “What does she do for a living? I assume this paragon has a job.”

  “She’s a librarian.”

  Julie laughed. Ben frowned.

  “She’s friends with Amanda. They met at the library where she works. Amanda often brings her niece to Sunday Story Time there.”

  Ben studied Julie’s face. He could see that this bit of information didn’t convince her. Maybe it was a mistake to try. As much as he loved spending time with the boys, he wasn’t ever going to love her that way, and it was now clear that she had expectations that he could never meet.

  “I’m sorry, Julie. You are probably right about this thing with Jane not working out, but I have to try. If she comes back, that is. Surely you understand that.”

  “I understand that you're a man and thinking with your dick. You are never going to find a better woman than me.” He started to speak, but she raised a hand. “I understand that you have to get this woman out of your system. Don’t worry. I won’t push you for more than you can give. But I know that this woman isn’t right for you, and I’ll be here for you whenever you need me.”

  Ben was feeling really uncomfortable now. He looked at his watch again. “Damn. I have to go. I’m going to be late. Tell the boys good-bye for me.”

  He stood up, disengaging his hand from Julie’s. She stood up and walked with him to the door. It wasn’t until he was getting into his car that he realized he hadn’t kissed her cheek when he left. It was probably the first time since well before Chuck died that he hadn’t.

  As he put the car in gear and headed to Club Hades, he decided that he would have to start pulling back from Julie. He’d still see the boys regularly; he loved them. But he had clearly given Julie the wrong signals. He’d done what he did for Chuck. He hoped they could stay friends, but he had to make it clear with his actions, not just his words, that there was no chance of a relationship between them. Ever.

  What the hell am I doing? Jane got out of the cab in front of Club Hades and walked up to the door with a strong sense of déjà vu. Was it only two weeks ago that she’d taken this same walk up to the same door and pressed that damned bell? She’d gone back and forth and back again on whether or not she should come, and that was just in the last twenty-four hours.

  She rang the bell and was immediately buzzed in. This time, she knew where to go and headed for the training room.

  Amanda had made her see that she needed to take a chance. Sure, she could get hurt, and she wasn’t just thinking about her ass. That was a given. She could get her heart broken, but that was life, wasn’t it? No pain, no gain. No risk, no reward.

  She would do this. Hell, at minimum, she’d get some good material for her book. And if Ben didn’t want to spank her ass because she’d walked out last time, she’d find another training Dom. She still had a book to finish. Maybe that other training Dom, Andrew, could help. They had no emotional connection. It was probably better that way.

  Ben might not even be there, she realized. He could have thought she quit. Yes, it would be easier that way. Easier if she didn’t have to face him. Easier if her emotions were not involved.

  The door was open. She walked in. She wasn’t sure who was more surprised, her or Ben. She hugged her coat more tightly around her body.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Ben wanted to grin like an idiot. She had come back. Jane was standing there, in front of him, a tentative smile on her face. But he was a Dom and she was a sub who had fled last week.

  He met her gaze. He could feel his heart rate speed up and felt his cock stirring. He didn’t know what it was about her that was so different from any woman he’d ever met before. Maybe it was just chemistry? She made him want to throw is non-invo
lvement philosophy away and beg her to be his.

  He wouldn’t, of course, but she made him want to.

  He’d vaguely felt that he didn't want to get emotionally involved from the time he’d become a cop, but Chuck’s death had solidified his feelings. He was still a cop, still risking his life every day and probably would continue to do so for another twenty years or more.

  He couldn’t ask any woman to get involved with him on those terms. But he and Jane had six more training sessions. He would enjoy every second of them, file them away in his memory bank, and walk away when it was over. He would give her what she needed and even help find her a Dom if that’s what she decided she wanted. He would then walk away from Club Hades because he didn’t think he could bear to see her playing with another Dom.

  Nevertheless, right here, right now, she was standing in front of him… waiting. He wouldn’t let her know just how much she affected him. Although, when he saw her lower her gaze, he couldn’t hide his physiological reaction to her.

  And then she grinned up at him.

  Fuck! Maybe this was a mistake. He could hurt her if he let her get emotionally attached. He gathered himself. All trainees developed certain feelings for their trainer; it was natural. It was like how some women got crushes on their doctors. Transference. He’d handled it before. He would handle it this time.

  He looked around the room. Everyone was seated but him and Jane. Well, now was as good a time as any to start making sure that their roles were clearly defined in her mind. He’d push her, and if she ran away again, he’d know she really wasn’t the woman for him, and he wouldn’t have to deal with the feelings that coursed through him whenever he thought about her.

  Yes, he decided. He’d push as hard as he could, and she’d run screaming back to where she came from. He’d be left alone and not have to worry about the guilt of getting into a relationship with a woman and probably leaving her a widow.

  Before he could put his plan into action, Amanda tapped him on the shoulder.