my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  I just shook my head.

  “I think you’ve surprised me at least twenty times since I met you.” This time, there was no smile to accompany the words. Instead, there was that quiet, thoughtful look on his face once more.

  “Turn left here,” I said as we approached town. We drove down the street in silence. “It’s the one on the right with the green truck.”

  He pulled into the driveway behind Daddy’s truck and I felt like I was fifteen and my only high school boyfriend was bringing me home. As if I should be expecting something but wasn’t sure if I wanted it or not. He turned to me. “Do you need a ride back out to the ranch?”

  “Nah, I’ll go with my parents.”

  I reached for the handle and was surprised as all get out when he stopped me. When his hand hit my bare wrist, heat seeped from his fingers into my skin like honey into a biscuit. And just like him, that feeling was smooth, silky, and dangerous. And yet, somehow, it was also soothing. Like comfort food with a kick.

  I thought maybe I needed to stick my head in an ice chest if I was getting this discombobulated over one touch from a boyband star. I looked down at his hand, and he pulled back as if he was as shocked as I was that he’d stopped me.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” he said.

  It was one of those sexy, more of a statement than a question kind of things that made me swallow hard and look away. All I could do was nod at him and then climb out of the truck, hoping that I hadn’t left my pride on the seat along with the sweat stains.

  I couldn’t help but look back and saw him wave as he pulled out of the driveway. Suddenly, I was dreading tonight on a whole new level. And maybe that was good because it would distract me enough that I wouldn’t break down. I’d be able to be the quiet, supportive Mia everyone had come to count on.

  EVEN MY DAD DOES SOMETIMES

  The Fundraiser

  “So don’t wipe your eyes. Tears remind you you’re alive… But just for tonight, hold on.”

  -Ed Sheeran

  WHEN I ENTERED THE house, the aroma of chocolate and cinnamon hit me. It was the smell of Mama’s favorite cookies. She tended to bake when she was anxious or upset. It was something we often did together, coming up with weird and delicious new concoctions. So, with the fundraiser tonight, it was no surprise to find her cleaning bowls while warm cookies rested on a plate. I took one and then gave her a hug.

  “Was that Blake’s truck?” Mama asked.

  “Yeah. His new one-hit-wonder gave me a ride back after I took the Camaro out to the ranch,” I told her carefully.

  I saw Mama’s breath catch. Even though there was no way she wanted me to know it, getting rid of the Camaro had probably been hardest on her. It wasn’t that it was any easier having it sit at the dealership where it reminded us all of the person who would never drive it again. But I also don’t think any of us knew how to handle the thought of giving it away to some stranger.

  Maybe this would help her be ready to tackle Jake’s room. Four years later, it still looked like he and Cam were going to come back from college and take up residence in the place they’d spent their whole lives.

  Truth was, my heart broke a little thinking of poor Mama having to continually say goodbye to her baby boy. It made the guilt swarm over me like mosquitos at the lake at dusk. It made me wish again that I could trade places with my brother. The superstar with so much potential versus the girl that was pretty much invisible.

  But because I couldn’t make that wish come true, I did what I always did and tried to make Mama feel better with another squeeze. It was a poor substitute for her lost son, but it was all I was able to do.

  “It’ll be okay,” I told her. The words felt false even to myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t want things to be okay. I desperately wanted them to be okay, but I had no faith yet it would happen. Sometimes I wondered how Mama didn’t hate me when I’d failed her and Daddy and Jake and Cam.

  “You smell sweaty,” she said hugging me tighter. And that brought me back to that beautiful BB, Derek, and I was suddenly all mortification. Smelling sweaty in the presence of such gorgeousness was god awful. Especially when his gorgeousness hadn’t smelled sweaty at all. He’d smelled like… I don’t know woods and life and something I couldn’t name yet.

  “Ew. Thanks a lot. I’ve been around a cute guy and my mama tells me just how awful I look.”

  I immediately wanted to take the words back when Mama turned fast to look me in the eye. “You? Around a cute guy? Where is my Mia and what have you done with her?”

  I grimaced because wasn’t that the truth. Good Girl Mia was never around hot, musician BBs. And no one at home knew that I’d once upon a time been around a golden boy who’d left me for someone else. That humiliation I kept all to myself.

  “I’m going to take a shower and get rid of the sweat,” I told her, but really I was hoping I could get rid of my mixed up thoughts.

  I heard Mama chuckle as I left, and that helped because I’d made her laugh, and sometimes I thought she had forgotten how.

  When I was safely ensconced in the shower, I let myself cry a little. Not enough to leave me with puffy, red eyes, but enough to relieve some emotions so that I would be able to hold myself together at the fundraiser where it was going to be a true test. And I tried to remind myself that philosopher Ed was right, that even daddies cried sometimes, and that it was okay. I just couldn’t let anyone else see. And tonight, I definitely had to hold it together.

  * * *

  By the time I stepped out of Daddy’s truck, I had my shield back on. I was going to be able to hold up Mama and Cam without collapsing myself. Because the whole car thing was going to chip off another piece of their souls. So, I had to stay strong.

  I hit the grass and wobbled. I wanted to bang my head against a wall again. What had possessed me to wear the one pair of sparkly stilettos that I owned? And then I did an inner eye-roll because I couldn’t hide from myself the truth as to why I was wearing these stupid heels. I’d had a stupid musician on my stupid brain when I’d picked out my stupid outfit.

  Daddy came around the truck with Mama’s hand in his, and he offered me his elbow, which I happily took. He made my heart jump with pleasure when he looked down and said, “You sure look pretty tonight, baby girl.”

  Daddy wasn’t one for a whole lot of compliments. Never had been. It wasn’t like we didn’t know he loved us and was proud of us. I mean, how couldn’t he be proud of Jake’s superstar status. And it wasn’t like he’d just turn the reins of the dealership over to just anyone, daughter or not, so I knew he was proud of me too. But his compliments came in extremely small doses, so I savored them when I got them.

  Daddy’s words reminded me that I wasn’t just in stupid stilettos, but I was also in a dark green mini dress that I hadn’t worn in over a year. Not that I had a whole lot of choices in my wardrobe. I had business clothes and college slacker clothes and not much else.

  But this dress was a huge mistake and not just because it was short and showed more of my E sized boobs than I was normally comfortable showing. It was a huge mistake because it was the dress I’d worn on my semi-date with Hayden. The date that had ended in me losing my virginity. It was pretty pathetic that I’d been at the end of my junior year of college when I’d finally lost it, but my high school boyfriend and I hadn’t lasted past his graduating. And truth be told, while Tim Martin had been a good kisser, nothing had made we want to get butt naked with him and do the deed.

  Hayden had though. He’d been the first boy to make me feel the zap. That zap of kinetic energy that travels all the way through you. He was a golden boy. One hundred percent golden with golden hair, golden eyes, golden skin, and a golden life. He wasn’t quite a player, but he had two of us girls on his string, hook, line, and sinker. I’d been the loser. I’d been the fish thrown back in the water for later, and it had broken my heart.

  Now here I was, wearing this stupid dress on yet another emotional night where another gorgeous gu
y had sort of paid attention to me and was probably capable of breaking me in more ways than I’d been broken before. Well. Maybe not. Giving a kidney and having it kill someone could really do a number on you.

  But I didn’t have much in my closet that didn’t rattle your eyes with a cry of “business”. It had been this or a little black dress I had to wear a strapless bra with, and take it from me, size E breasts and strapless bras just really aren’t made for each other. They’re more like lemon and milk.

  I tried to shake myself out of my reflective musing as we walked into the big tent and were greeted by a rep from the American Diabetes Association.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, thank you so much for holding this fundraiser tonight. I’m sure your son, Jake, would be very proud to be a part of it.”

  And Jake would have been proud. He would have been smiling his god-like smile because he’d always loved being the center of attention. Thrived on it. But then he’d been raised as the center of everyone’s attention. Our parents. Cam’s parents. Cam herself. Our town. He’d even been the focus of the whole country for the two seasons he’d played for UTK, his smile plastered across the television screens.

  Mama looked away and tried not to cry, and I immediately wanted to strangle the guy’s throat. It wasn’t his fault though. Who would know that, four years in, the loss of Jake was still a burning volcano in all our lives?

  “You're welcome. We wanted to do this. Cam wanted to do this. If it helps anyone else…” Daddy choked up and then got hold of himself. “If it helps even one person, it’s worth it.”

  Thank God that Cam and Blake came in then and saved us all from breaking into an embarrassing round of tears and if only's. Saved me from blurting out just how sorry I was that I couldn’t have been enough to save him. It allowed me to readjust my shield so that it would stay in place.

  Blake had Cam’s arm through his and she was glowing in the way that only Cam could ever glow. Like all the flames from the candles on the tables were magically being drawn to her. That glow made it nearly impossible to look anywhere else. Blake certainly couldn’t. Course, it probably helped that the baby kicking inside her was his.

  Her purple chiffon accentuated her tall, slender frame that even with the baby bump was still so athletic she probably could have beat Jake in a race at the lake. Her wavy chestnut locks were drawn up in a half-do that her best friend Wynn had taught her and I how to do when we were nothing more than tweens trying to be cool. Wynn herself would probably be wearing it when she showed up later.

  Tonight, I hadn’t worn our traditional half-do. I’d still been as hot as a used tea bag when I’d got out of the shower, and I’d known our Tennessee summer would continue to blast its heat and humidity at us, so I’d opted for a French twist that was already trying to escape. But, it would keep my hair off my neck and out of my face for the majority of the night. The huge disadvantage was that I now had nothing to hide behind. I’d have to be really good at the mask that I wore.

  I did pretty good holding it together. Even after dinner, and the speeches that Cam led, I kept myself poised. Ready to catch Mama or Cam if they faltered. But, Cam surprised me by being able to speak about Jake in a way that she never had been able to at his funeral. One look at Blake, smiling encouragingly at her, told me all I needed to know. That was the one thing that was different and better about Cam now. She was so much calmer with Blake than she had ever been with Jake.

  I think, with Jake, she’d always been on high alert. He’d had so many people pulling at him that she’d always felt the need to draw him back to her. To keep him focused on the two halves that they were together. With Blake, she seemed content. Like she was still going the speed of light pace she always had, but now she had Blake moving equally fast alongside her.

  Sure, Blake had his own little group of people pulling at him, but he wasn’t the star. Instead he signed the stars to contracts. Which brought me back to Blake’s protégé. The one on stage.

  It was clear Derek shined in a way that wasn’t far off from the way Cam and Jake had. There’s always this aura that bubbles around dynamic people that invisibles like me don’t ever quite get, but can see and stare at in awe anyway. Derek was like that. Especially on stage. Moving as if the stage was somehow part of his being. Guitar and microphone and him blending into something that was almost magical.

  I was surprised by his band. I guess I’d expected some wanna-be-pop band, but instead it was rich with blues and grit. It made me think of the old-time jazz and blues singers that my best friend, Harry Winston, and I used to listen too on vinyl records at his grandma’s house.

  Derek sang one song in particular that hit my heart like a hammer to brick. It was full of deeply felt words about humanity being a collage of mistakes made beautiful. I was a book girl, and words were like a drug to me. They could bring me under with a well-positioned adjective. His song was like that, drawing me under.

  I didn’t even realize how focused on Derek I had become until Cam sank down next to me and said, “He definitely didn’t get hit with the ugly stick.”

  “Hmm?” I drew my eyes from the band and Derek to Cam to see she was quite enjoying my momentary lapse. I tried to throw her off the scent with a guffaw, but, like any sister, she knew me too well.

  Instead of teasing me like I expected, she took a direction I didn’t quite follow. "You remember Seth?"

  But really, who wouldn’t remember the blue-eyed, Cuban hottie that had taken up kingship in our high school my freshman year and trailed Cam like she was the only thing holding him above water.

  “You remember the line of women he left behind?” And I got it then. She was warning me off Derek. Like Cam had always warned me off boys that she didn’t think were good enough for me.

  “Do I have stupid written on my face?” I said.

  “Well…”

  I punched her in the shoulder gently, and she punched me back. And it hurt, but I knew better than hit Cam and not expect return fire.

  “If you weren’t pregnant, I’d kick you,” I told her.

  She just chuckled, and we turned back to the stage to where Derek was crooning. His gritty voice wafted over me like the scent of warm bread, sending chills down my spine.

  Unfortunately, he caught me looking at him and that sexy smile came over his face, stretching his cleft and making me feel like I was flipping over those darn monkey bars all over again. I should have been kicking myself instead of trying to kick Cam. Because nothing good could come from a girl like me thinking a book boyfriend like him was stunning. Hadn’t I already learned that painful lesson?

  “Did I tell you I saw him?” Cam asked, and I’d been so entranced in Derek’s beauty and my own brooding that it took me a moment to realize that she was referring once again to Seth Carmen who’d hit her at her junior prom and gone scurrying back to New York when Jake had punched him back.

  “You did?”

  She nodded. “Blake and I were in L.A. for Derek's contract signing last month, and we got invited to this huge shindig at his brother’s house. His brother’s some bigwig director. Any-hoo, when I walked in, there was Seth’s waterfall.”

  “The one he made at his grandparent’s house?”

  “Yep, and then there he was too. It was kinda surreal.”

  “How was he?”

  “Sober, calm. He seemed grown-up. He had a girl with him that appeared to be keeping him on his toes, and all I can say is, good for her.”

  “So, Derek's brother bought the waterfall?” I was trying to put the puzzle pieces of Derek together. He’d told me just how famous his brother was, but I hadn’t equated it to the kind of famous that puts showy art in their houses. Derek didn’t come off as anything more than a struggling musician.

  “He bought it for a million and a half dollars,” Cam said with an awe that rarely comes from Cam.

  “Get out of town? Really.”

  “Yep. That’s according to Keith who works for Derek’s brother now and was there
with some stunning man on his arm.”

  “No way?” I breathed out.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, good for Keith.”

  While I had to admit that it seemed strange to think of Seth, the moody bad boy we’d known, as a famous, calm, grown-up, it didn’t seem as strange to think of Keith with a boyfriend.

  And holy banana slugs, thinking of sexy men made my eyes flirt back to the sensual crooner on stage before I could help it. Derek reminded me a lot more of my brother Jake’s charisma than Seth’s prowling panther. Derek seemed more… eagle than cat.

  That man’s eyes drifted continually to our table and every time they did, I felt like my whole world stopped. Cam insinuated that he was a player from a family of money, and he’d seemed smooth and confident earlier, but here he was making me feel like I was the center of his focus. Of course, that was probably just my imagination. Hayden had said I was good at imagining things that weren’t there.

  Maybe all the women in the audience felt that Derek was focused on them. Maybe that was his charm. Maybe he was a magical boy-nymph, drawing women with his songs like sea nymphs drew sailors.

  “Jake would’ve beat the crap out of him just for looking at you,” Cam said wistfully. She’d done really well all night, but now I caught a glimpse of the hole Jake had made in her heart that would never fully disappear.

  “Nah, he would have let you do that for him.”

  Across the dance floor, I saw Blake find Cam with his eyes. He lit up like a truck at the lake at midnight when he saw her and she responded with a smile that was full wattage Cam that no one could resist. I felt happy for her, which made me all teary again. God. It would be good to have this blasphemous night behind us.

  Blake waved her over.

  She sighed. “I guess it’s time to announce the winners of the silent auctions. I’m kinda dreading it.”

  I knew what she meant.

  I squeezed her hand as she darted from the chair and flew towards Blake on feet that would never stop.