my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  “Okay,” he said quietly.

  And he held me while we both cried tears of guilt and anger and pain.

  ALL OF THE STARS

  Returning Home

  “And I know these scars will bleed, but both of our hearts believe all of these stars will guide us home.”

  -Ed Sheeran

  THEY MOVED ME TO a regular hospital room. There was no one in the bed next to me, so the boys took over that half, fighting for control of the TV remote, and making so much noise that Derek shooed them out to get food. They left and came back with burgers and fries. I wasn’t hungry. I was far from it.

  After several more hours of the guys clowning around, and seeing that it wasn’t doing anything to make me smile, Derek told them to go find a hotel room for the night. I told Derek to go too, but he wouldn’t, and I didn’t have the energy to fight him.

  The pain meds made me feel loopy, like everything was dreamlike. And eventually I fell asleep. But it wasn’t a good sleep. The beeping of the machines, the quiet voices, and Derek’s echolocation as he focused all his energy on me kept bringing me out of disturbed dreams. The final one was a dream where Mama was having to attend my funeral, but then it was Jake’s funeral, then Cam’s, and finally the baby’s. My heart was pounding so furiously when I woke that I knew I wasn’t going back to sleep anytime soon.

  I glanced towards Derek’s chair. He was asleep. He looked so tired poured into a too small armchair. Even tired, he was gorgeous as always. I loved him. God help me, I did.

  But, I also realized that I couldn’t do this. I had to go home. I didn’t have a choice.

  I just didn’t know how I was going to tell him that without hurting him. I didn’t know how to make him see that our real worlds had finally caught up to us.

  He opened his eyes as if he sensed me pulling away from him. His dark eyes stormy in the twilight of the hospital room. “Little Bird?”

  “I’m okay, just a bad dream.”

  He scooted his chair so that he could take my hand in his like he had earlier in the ER. “Have I told you today that I love you?”

  “Hey, moron, you haven’t told me you loved me at all,” I said quietly, as close to teasing as I was going to get at that moment.

  He looked up at me with a small grin. “Sure, I did. I told you in front of several hundred people last night.”

  I reached my index finger to play in his cleft, and he bit it. “No, you sang my favorite song about someone loving someone, but you never said, ‘Mia, I love you.’”

  He grinned more which broke me in a whole new way because I was going to walk away from him. I’d thought at the beginning of all this that there was a chance that I’d be left more broken than before, and it wasn’t that I wasn’t going to be broken when I left him, God, I was, but it was even worse knowing that I was going to break his heart along with mine.

  He grabbed my fingers and pressed his lips to my palm. If I wasn’t so full of drugs, and tiredness, and worry, that probably would have made me feel things that weren’t appropriate in a hospital room and would have made me doubt my new resolve.

  He looked up at me, and his smile went away so that there was only serious Derek left. “Little Bird, I love you so goddamn much that I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again.”

  His stormy eyes flashed, and my eyes filled with tears at his beautiful words. Words that I knew I didn’t have a right to have. Words that told me how much I was really going to hurt him. But it was a choice between him and Mama. And I couldn’t chose him. Not now. Maybe never.

  And tears fell again before I could stop them. Because I’d never really been loved by a boy and now I was going to break us both.

  “I didn’t think that would make you cry,” he said.

  “I’ve never been loved before,” I told him quietly, a half-truth in so many ways. I’d been loved. By my family. And Cam and her family. And Wynn. But I’d never been loved by a boy. Wholly and completely in a way that made the world stop the way Derek made my world stop.

  “That makes me want to bust something. Or someone. Or maybe go back to my serial killer ways,” he said, kissing my palm again.

  My eyes started to droop again, medicine kicking in once more. “Hey, moron?” I said through shut eyes.

  “Yea?”

  “I love you too.”

  Because that was the full truth.

  * * *

  The boys showed up as early as visiting hours would let them, and Derek left to shower and change while they entertained me. Which really meant they argued over the free bed and the TV remote again while I supervised like a teacher in a playroom.

  I wanted a shower so bad that I itched everywhere, but the hospital said no. I was still hooked up to IV’s and monitors.

  They retook the same tests that we’d done the day before, and a different doctor came in to give me the results just as Derek returned. This doctor was female and very pretty so the guys were drooling over her. But then we kicked them out to go check out of the hotel and get lunch.

  Once they were gone, she turned to me with a smile. She’d been entertained by our shenanigans. If I wasn’t in regret mode, I probably would have been too.

  “Your levels look good. The blood is all but gone from your urine. This was probably just a good scare, but I think we should keep you another twenty-four hours just to make sure,” she said.

  She checked a few more things, asked if we had more questions, and when we shook our heads, she left.

  More of my anxiety started to wash away, along with the dread of having to tell Mama what happened. But even with the relief, it didn’t change my mind. I had to go home. And Derek needed to finish his tour, and we would have to let reality hit us.

  “You need to go. You have to be in Oregon,” I told him.

  “We can fly out of Sacramento tomorrow morning and be there well in time to get the venue set up. I’m not leaving you.”

  “Derek—”

  “Don’t argue with me, Little Bird. It’s already done.”

  I was going to argue, and he knew it, but we were stopped by my phone ringing.

  It was Mama and my heart fell. I hoped Derek hadn’t texted her in the middle of the night. I looked at him ready to scold.

  “Mama!” I said, trying not to sound groggy.

  “Mia?”

  “Yes.”

  “You sound funny,” she said. I bonked my good hand against my forehead because mamas could always tell.

  “Just tired,” I told her.

  “I wanted to let you know Cam went into labor.” I realized she sounded really tired too.

  “I thought they were trying to get her through a couple more weeks!”

  Mama chuckled quietly. “Well, you know our Cam. She does everything on her own timeline and even more so if you tell her she can’t.”

  And wasn’t that the truth.

  “Is she okay?”

  Quiet.

  “Mama?

  “We think so. Blake says everything’s good. But we’re all leaving now to head up there.”

  And suddenly, I not only needed to be home but I wanted to be home. I wanted to be home with my mama and daddy and the woman who was my sister like no other soul in the universe. I wanted to be there when she had the baby that should have been Jake’s but wasn’t. I wanted to be with the people who loved me first. Who still loved me even though my stupid kidney screwed up all of their lives.

  “I’m coming home,” I told her. Derek’s head shifted suddenly in my direction, shaking in opposition.

  “I don’t know what the flights are like. I’m going to drive up to Sacramento now. I’ll let you know as soon as I get something.”

  “You don’t have to come home, Mia, it’s okay,” Mama said, but I could hear the undertone in her voice. She wanted me there as much as I wanted to be there. This was Cam. Jake’s Cam. It was like the baby belonged to all of us.

  “I’m coming. Kiss Cam for me. Tell her I’ll be there soon, and kee
p me posted, okay?”

  “Will do. And, baby girl?”

  “Yes?”

  “Be safe.”

  I choked back my default, “always” because I hadn’t been safe, and soon she would see it. I’d have to tell her. And she’d be as mad as a chicken with a fox in the henhouse that I hadn’t told her. But I couldn’t feel guilty about that one thing. Because I hadn’t told her for a good reason. I’d done it so she wouldn’t make herself sick before we knew I’d be okay.

  We hung up, and I pushed the nurses button as I tried to stand. Derek was all over me.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “I’m going home. Cam’s having the baby.”

  “You’re hurt. You’re supposed to stay another night. People have babies all the time,” he said, frowning as he tried to stop me from removing the IV.

  I turned to meet his glare with one of my own. “You know this isn’t just anyone. This is Cam.”

  We stared at each other, neither giving in, until the nurse came in.

  “I’m going to have to check out,” I told her with a weak smile.

  “Um? Did the doctor discharge you?”

  “No, but she’s going to have to. I have to get to Tennessee.”

  The nurse looked at me like I was crazy and went scrambling away to find the doctor.

  Derek took my good hand as I tried to pull on the clean clothes he’d piled for me on the nearby table.

  “Little Bird, the doctor wants you to stay.”

  “She said I’m looking good. It’s just precautionary. And I’ll be at a hospital.”

  “But you’re going to spend hours at an airport and in an airplane.” He was frustrated with me, maybe even angry.

  “I know,” I said quietly.

  “Then I’m coming with you.”

  I didn’t have a chance to respond because the nurse came in and started to disconnect me from the IVs and machines. It was good I couldn’t respond because he wouldn’t be happy when I said he couldn’t come with me. He needed to finish his tour. I needed to go back to my reality, and he needed to go back to his.

  The doctor showed up and gave me a whole spiel about the risks I was taking and handed me a bunch of waivers to sign.

  And then we headed out to the lobby, Derek’s fingers found mine as we waited for the guys to come back from getting lunch.

  “I don’t want you to come,” I said looking down at our fingers.

  “What?”

  “You have a show tomorrow.”

  “So? I’ll cancel it. It was the last one on this tour anyhow.”

  “But that isn’t fair to you or the guys or your fans. You’re just building a fan base. If you cancel now, you’ll lose street cred.”

  “What makes you think I give a rat’s ass about any of those people more than you?”

  “I didn’t say you did. I just said it isn’t fair.”

  “Life isn’t fair.”

  That reminded me of what Seth Carmen used to tell Cam when they dated for that brief time back when Jake was being stupid. And he was right. Life didn’t play fair. But sometimes it also surprised you with the gifts it gave you. Like Derek.

  “I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to come.”

  “You don’t want me to come?” He was hurt. A million shades of hurt.

  “I don’t mean it like that,” I said, trying to take the bite out of my words. “I just… We had to go back to our reality eventually, right?”

  “What?”

  He pulled me into his arms, and I let myself be pulled because it was easier to bury my head into his chest than to watch his face while I said all of this to him.

  “What did you think would happen at the end of this three week adventure?” my voice was muffled.

  He squeezed tight and it hurt, but I let it because the physical hurt matched the one in my heart.

  “I don’t know. We hadn’t gotten that far,” he said.

  “Derek. I live in Tennessee and run a car dealership. You live in L.A. and travel the world with a band.”

  “I know that.”

  I risked looking up at him, and his gray eyes stormed at me. And it broke my heart because I definitely didn’t want to walk away from this. From him. From the man that thought I was beautiful and anything but invisible.

  “I’m just going back to reality,” I told him.

  “I’m not willing to let reality end us,” he stormed.

  And I looked away again, adding those beautiful words to the collection of Derek’s lines in my head. When I didn’t respond, he pulled my chin up so that I was forced to see his eyes and the pain there.

  “I love you,” he said.

  I nodded.

  “Don’t give up yet,” he said forcibly.

  I didn’t have to answer because the guys showed up, shocked to see us in the lobby, but I knew the conversation wasn’t done either. We quickly filled the guys in on what was going on and took off for Sacramento. I was on my phone, trying to find a flight back. Something that wouldn’t take me five layovers to get there.

  “Buy two,” Derek said quietly as he saw me ready to check out on the airline’s website.

  I shook my head in the negative.

  “Little Bird,” he said with a plea that I ignored.

  He wasn’t happy about it, but he also didn’t fight me. I didn’t know what to think of any of that, except that at the moment, I knew it was the right thing. He had to finish his tour. I had to go home.

  Reality sucked. Life wasn’t fair. People died who should live. What else was there to say?

  * * *

  The terrible California traffic delayed us and we barely made it before my flight. I hoped security would be light or someone would be able to get me through with my bandaged body. I took my little bag without the books, less to carry when I could barely stand. Derek could send me the rest later.

  He went with me to the ticket counter and up to the security line while the guys circled the airport in the rental.

  “I don’t want you to go,” he said quietly.

  “I know, moron, but it was gonna happen at some point,” I repeated my logic from before.

  “I should be coming with you,” I could hear the doubt in his voice.

  “Stop. I would just feel guilty that yet another person didn’t get to live out their dreams because of me.”

  “What if you are my dream?”

  God. What could you say to that? I started to move away, but he pulled me back, crushing me, sore arm and all.

  “I’m not letting you go for good,” he said, deep emotion running through his voice.

  I still didn’t answer because I couldn’t. I could hope that there was some version of reality where we would find each other again. But this wasn’t a Doctor Who rerun. We didn’t get a choice about the realities that were ours.

  So instead, I took in the scent of him so that I could remember it when I replayed his words and his looks and his touch back in my head at night.

  “Little Bird, I mean it. We’ll figure it out.”

  “Okay.” My voice cracked because the truth was, I wanted to believe it.

  “Text me when you board. Text me when you land. Call me when you find out about the baby,” he said, making plans for us even though we wouldn’t be together.

  And that got to me. That he so desperately wanted to continue this when we both knew that it was an impossible puzzle. One that couldn’t be put together any time soon.

  “Okay,” I said again through tears that wouldn’t fall yet. Time for that later when I was alone.

  “Go, you’ll miss the flight,” he said. Then he kissed me like that first time. Slow and reverent and yet full of passion.

  I tore myself away from him, limped my way through security, and found my way to my gate. Mama texted that they were at the hospital and that Cam and the baby were being stubborn and that they may have to do a C-section.

  I cursed myself again for not being there. For being on this joy rid
e across the country with a sexy musician. For being away at all. But a piece of me, the piece I had thought I left in Derek’s back pocket, whispered that I was lying to myself. That I hadn’t been away at all, that I’d really been home.

  And as Ed played in my playlist, I let myself have a tiny bit of hope that he was right and that after Derek and my horizons had met and our scars had bled into one another that the stars would guide us to place where we could be together once more.

  * * *

  I texted Derek like I told him I would as I was ready to take off. I tried to sleep on the plane, but my elbow and insides were aching painfully. At first I didn’t want to take any pain meds that would make me groggy for when I arrived, but it was such a long flight, that I was finally forced to take something or sit screaming in a cabin full of people.

  When I arrived, the meds had made me as addle brained as I’d known they would. It was really late. I texted Derek first and then Mama. I didn’t stop to think about that. That I’d put him first. Mama said Daddy was at the airport waiting to pick me up, which I hadn’t expected.

  I made my way out just as Daddy pulled up to the arrivals terminal. He jumped out of his truck when he saw me and was half way to hugging me when he took in my splinted arm and the ugly bruise that had taken over my face. I had hardly glanced at myself in the mirror because it was scary even to me.

  “What the fuck, baby girl?”

  “I love you too, Daddy,” I said with a tired smile, and I hugged him with my good arm. “Come on, old man, I’ll tell you all about it on the way.”

  And I did. Well, at least I told him a lot. I told him about caving and falling from the ladder, and how everything was okay with my kidney. I told him that I’d recheck everything while I was at the hospital with Cam.

  He was serious faced.

  “Your mama’s never going to forgive me,” he said quietly.

  “I’m the one that went.”

  He nodded and I could tell he was trying not to cry. I squeezed his arm reassuringly. “It’s gonna be okay, Daddy.” I slid easily back into my Good Girl Mia skin, making sure everyone else was going to be okay.