Essence Of The Heart (The Royal Tutor)

by Daris Howard

  "Your father said I was to go hungry," Alexander replied. "He didn't directly say it to you. I am not going to allow you to go hungry for my misdeed, especially on this night that should be such a joyous one for you." He bowed low and formally to her. "I will be just outside the door when you are ready, Your Highness."

  As he shut the door behind himself, Louise could not keep the tears from coming. "Oh, please, Alexander," she said to herself. "Don't turn away from me now - not now that I'm beginning to..."

  She started to sob. Beginning to what? Beginning to feel? Beginning to understand? What was she beginning to understand? Something was changing in her, but she couldn't put it into words.

  But in an instant, he had changed, too. He seemed crushed and defeated. The warm, humorous Alexander was no longer there. He was now trying to pull away from her, to lock his heart against her and anything that was her.

  She dried her tears and washed her face. She looked at the food he had so kindly brought. Even as she could feel him beginning to distance himself from her, he still tried to do the kind and right thing. She could hardly bring herself to eat it. It brought memories of the day on the mountain when her unthoughtfulness had caused him to go hungry. Yet, again, he was going without. But she was so very hungry, and he had put himself at such great personal risk to obtain it for her that she could hardly not eat it.

  She ate and drank barely enough to keep her stomach from gnawing at her. She could not force herself to take anymore when Alexander had nothing. Knowing the time for the ball was coming quickly, she hurried as fast as she could. It took time to get her hair looking decent. She washed off her tiara and necklace and put them in place. She glanced in the mirror. She wanted to look good now, not for others, but for Alexander.

  When she felt she was ready, she said a prayer that somehow, some way, she could reach his heart. Upon opening the door, she could see him standing in the moonlight that fell through the open windows of the hallway. Her breath rushed from her. He stood tall and strong, his blonde hair waving gently in the breeze. He was so very handsome. Why had she not noticed before?

  He turned and smiled at her for a brief second before lowering his eyes and looking away. His smile took her breath away again. She realized it was the same smile that she had hated for as long as she could remember. But why did she love it so now? He had not changed. She realized it was she who had changed. Before, she had interpreted his actions harshly and distrustfully, but now that she looked at him in a different light, she beheld goodness.

  He stepped toward her and again formally bowed, though he would not look directly at her. "You are most beautiful, Your Highness. I would myself be honored to ask you to dance this evening, but I know your father and..." He paused and turned farther from her. "... and others of your family would not approve."

  His formality and words cut into her heart. She knew very well he meant her. Alexander's family was the lowest of all of the nobility, and her father would not approve of any lasting friendship she might have with him. But what about herself? What did she think? Her heart swelled as if it might burst.

  From the distance, music could be heard floating across the breeze as the ball was beginning. Alexander paused. Normally, an escort would offer his arm to a girl, and Alexander was, of all men, most gracious in his manners. But he seemed unsure, uncertain whether she would take it or revile him. The confident Alexander she knew was gone.

  She assertively linked her arm through his. He turned to her and smiled for an instant, before turning away, but the hurt and pain in his eyes gnawed at her. She returned his smile, realizing it was the first time she had ever smiled at him and truly meant it. But his eyes were turned from her, and he never even saw it.

  They walked across the courtyard arm-in-arm. They paused when they came to the mop-water-soaked earth where he had poured water on her. It glistened in the moonlight. He glanced at her, then lowered his eyes and looked away again. She wanted to tell him it didn't matter - that she didn't blame him. She had harassed him, and he had hardly ever done anything in return. She wanted to say she was sorry. She wanted to ask his forgiveness. She wanted to ask him to let her try again - to let her have another chance. But the words remained pridefully stuck in her throat.

  They entered the ballroom as the first song ended. They were formally announced, and he escorted her to the front of the room where both sets of their parents sat. They turned and faced the hall. He bowed and she curtsied. In response, the men in the hall bowed, and the women curtsied. Then she felt Alexander pulling away from her, and she tried instantly to tighten her grip on his arm. But his movement was so quick and deliberate that she didn't have time. He moved up to stand by his parents. A girl's escort would have the first dance, unless he was only a servant and considered unworthy of her. The realization that he did not take the first dance was not lost on her, nor on anyone else in the room. It made her understand all too clearly how he now felt.

  Sir Phillip, Duke of Chalsey, was instantly there requesting a dance. She curtsied and took his arm. He led her on to the dance floor as the orchestra began again. She glanced at Alexander. He stood motionless, eyes lowered. What had she done? Could she ever undo the harm she had caused? The questions burned in her.

  This was supposed to be one of the happiest nights of her life, yet she felt miserable. Everyone was there to adore her, to admire her, to recognize her nobility, but the one person that now mattered the most to her wouldn't even raise his eyes to look at her. She forced a smile at Sir Phillip as they danced. She looked at her father. He smiled approvingly.

  Sir Phillip was a man more than twice her age. His first wife had died. He was perhaps the greatest of all the royalty, next to her own father, and, by far, the most wealthy. Even though Phillip was in his late thirties, he was still a handsome man. She had even mused once what it would be like to be his wife. Everyone quite expected it. It would give her even greater nobility. At one time she had thought she would like the prestige and honor that would come with marrying the man of highest title. But now, as she stole glances at Alexander, her heart trembled. She knew what she wanted, and a greater title was not it.

  The night dragged on forever as she danced with one nobleman after another. Alexander's always constant, always pleasant smile was gone. He never moved, never left the side of his parents, never asked any lady to dance, though Louise knew there were many ladies of nobility who would have loved to dance with him. Alexander was tall, strong, and good-looking, and she knew he could easily find a good wife.

  That thought made her feelings hurt all the more. He didn't need her. Why should he give her another chance when he had already given her so many? All she had ever done was mock and belittle him. She felt a desperation growing deep within her. If he walked from this ball as he now felt, he would surely always try to avoid her, and any hope of changing things back to the way they were would be gone.

  As the ball was drawing to a close in the early hours of the morning, she saw her father call Alexander over. Alexander knelt before him. Her father spoke sternly to him. Alexander bowed and arose. What had her father said to him? She looked at her mother and Lady Margaret for clues. By the look on their faces, she knew it was not good.

  Alexander talked with his mother. She was crying now. He turned to leave the hall. Louise wanted to leave the dance floor - to run to him, to stop him. Lady Margaret grabbed Alexander's arm. She shook her head, and he obediently returned to stand by his parents' side. But his face was so downcast that Louise thought her heart would break within her.

  All eyes turned to her when the last dance of the ball was announced. By custom, this was the one time she was allowed to select her partner. This was the time for her to show who was the man of her choice, or she could choose no one at all. If she chose someone, that man could then be her escort.

  Sir Phillip stood conspicuously near her parents, sure that she would come to him. She knew who she wanted to dance with, but she feared how he might respond. Had
his heart been so battered that he would have difficulty reacting positively to her? What would her father think? What would everyone think? Wouldn't it just be easier to choose no one? But choosing no one was still a choice.

  She thought of Alexander taking her father's anger in her stead. Then, for no explainable reason, her mind wandered back to that day on the mountain. She could almost feel Nell's arms around her neck and the kiss on her cheek. She remembered Alexander and the children. She thought of him giving her his food and going hungry himself, as he was even now. Suddenly, tears came to her eyes, and she didn't care what anyone else thought. She walked right past Sir Phillip, whose smile quickly faded. She proceeded right past her shocked father and past her mother. She boldly passed Duke Reginald and Lady Margaret and stopped in front of Alexander. There was an audible gasp in the hall, and a groan from her father.

  Alexander slowly raised his eyes to meet hers. She held out her hand to him and smiled. He stood as if in shock for what seemed like the longest time, and slowly, ever so slowly, but just as surely, he smiled back at her. She could see a sparkle of tears form in the corner of his eyes as he gently took her hand in his. He escorted her to the dance floor and the music softly began to play. As they danced, she felt as if they were all alone in the huge ballroom. His arms felt so right around her. No one else danced as the shock of her decision settled on everyone.

  She looked at her parents. Her father was frowning, but both her mother and Lady Margaret were smiling through their tears. As the song ended, they stopped and stood for a moment and just looked at each other. It was as if their feelings were speaking through their eyes and nothing more needed to be said. Then they turned to the people of the hall, and he bowed and she curtsied. The men bowed back and the women curtsied in reply. Grabbing Alexander's hand, she pulled him toward the hallway.

  Her father arose. "Where do you think you're going?"

  She hardly paused. "We, Father, are going to get some food."

  When they reached the hallway, Alexander pulled her to face him. "Thank you, Princess, for the dance."

  She smiled at him. "You are my choice, Alexander. And please call me Louise."

  He smiled at her again, but there was something she could sense - something he was holding back - something he was not saying. She squeezed his hand, and together they hurried off to the kitchen. He retrieved meats and cheeses, milk and juice from the ice house. He went to the pantry and brought out breads and cakes. When they had eaten their fill, he said he had a special surprise. He returned to the ice house and came back with a big bowl of raspberries. He said they were the very first of the season, and he wanted her to taste something. He filled a smaller bowl with raspberries and poured milk over them. He then took honey candy, crushed it into small pieces, and sprinkled it on top, where it quickly melted. He pushed the bowl in front of her.

  She cautiously tasted it. When it touched her tongue, she squealed with delight. "That is wonderful!"

  Alexander looked pleased. "It's not really something you would eat for dinner, but I happened on it one night when I snuck down here seeking a midnight snack. I was about six. Back then I used honey, but after I learned about honey candy from the Eastern trader, I liked it better. It's also good on blackberries, currants and other things. I found out, though, that it takes a whole lot more than honey candy to make gooseberries edible."

  She laughed to think of Alexander as a small boy sneaking down to the kitchen and making up his own snacks. "Did you do that often?"

  He blushed as he filled his own bowl with raspberries. "Still do."

  She gasped. "You still do?"

  He nodded. "That's the only way to get the really good stuff. You have to wait until everyone is in bed. It beats those fancy things they serve us at meal times."

  She laughed again. The food that Alexander and his family ate was much simpler than what was served at the palace. And thinking of Alexander, always good and right Alexander, sneaking around at night, was funny.

  Alexander enjoyed her laughter and continued. "The cook used to think there were fairies or imps getting into her kitchen, but one night, she laid wait for me and caught me."

  "Did she tell your mother?" Louise asked.

  Alexander grinned. "Not that I know of, but I've shared most of my favorite foods with my parents. I also taught the cook how to make the honey candy, and gave her a taste of my raspberry dessert. Sometimes she has even come down to join me."

  Louise enjoyed listening to his stories. Alexander told her the candy he takes to the children is made in big pots by the cook. He also shared other treats he had tried. He offered her a new fruit that an Esconodian trader said was from the New World. It was called a "strawberry", and he sweetened it with honey candy and put it over cake. That was so good it just melted in her mouth. She marveled at his hidden talents and interests.

  They ate, talked, and laughed for almost three hours. She inquired about other people in his kingdom. She had ridden with him many times to the countryside, but had refused to go with him to the villages, except for the one on the mountain. She had felt it beneath her to visit the small villages, but now she hoped he would take her to visit as many as time would permit. She felt a desire to know everything about him and his life.

  He asked her about her life and what it was like in the palace. She thought it rather dull compared to his. He traveled widely and knew almost everyone in Bernodia and far beyond. He could talk of artisans, farmers, peasants and rich men. She could only talk of what was inside the palace walls. Still, he seemed to listen with great interest.

  Realizing it was time to get some rest, Alexander stacked up the dishes and put the food back where it belonged. He said that was one of the deals; the cook made him promise that he would put things away.

  He offered his arm, and carried a lantern to guide them back through the darkened castle halls. As they walked along, her heart felt lighter than she could ever remember. Alexander was very quiet. She turned to look at him, and again that feeling that something was wrong came to her - like he was holding something back.

  When they reached her door, she turned to face him. She sensed a sadness in his smile, and again felt there was something he wasn't telling her.

  His voice was quiet as he spoke. "Louise, I am really sorry about what I did to you."

  She lowered her eyes. "I'm sorry, too, for all the mean things I've done to you." She said it before she even thought about it. It was as if her heart spoke for her, but it felt good to say it.

  He smiled at her. "I promise I will never do anything mean to you again."

  She looked up at him. "Even if I am awful and stupid?"

  He shook his head. "Another person's actions should never dictate my own. Besides, I will never forget this night, and I thank you for it."

  She nodded and smiled weakly, thinking about how unkind she had been. "I'm just glad we could be friends."

  His voice quivered as he replied. "I just wish it could have been longer."

  Something in the way he said it struck fear into her heart. What did he mean? Something was definitely wrong. He held out the lamp to her. "Here, you take this. I will be fine getting back to my room."

  He turned to leave, but she reached out and grabbed his arm. "Alexander, what is it?"

  He turned back, but did not look at her directly. "Like it, or not, you got your wish of having me out of your life. Your father has asked Sir Phillip to be your escort from now on. He has commanded me to leave for military training by noon. He said, after last night's events, he wanted someone better to be your escort. He said now that you are eighteen, he wants..." Alexander paused, choking back the emotion in his voice before he continued. "He wants someone more worthy of you."

  With that, he looked into her eyes, smiled sadly, reached out and kindly touched her face, and was quickly gone into the shadows of the night.

  Chapter 6

  Learning To Deal With Father

  Louise stood there in shock. She though
t she had gotten Alexander back, only to lose him again. She wanted to call after him, to make everything right. She couldn't catch her breath, let alone call after him. Not for pride was her tongue silent this time, but for shame. She was ashamed that her father felt Alexander was not worthy of her, for, if anything, she felt unworthy of Alexander. She was sickened by the knowledge that she, too, had felt that way. That was why she had treated him badly all of those years. She had always felt she was better than he was, yet the goodness she had found in him made a mockery of her superior feelings. It had been easier to hate him than it was to wade through the confusion in her heart.

  As the reality of it all stripped away the facade she had built up over those many years, she collapsed, sobbing, into her pillow. Elizabeth and Marina heard her and came to her.

  "Princess, what is the matter?" Marina begged to know.

  "My father is sending Alexander away!"

  She could hardly utter the words. They shot like arrows at her heart. The girls tried to stay and comfort her, but she sent them back to bed. She needed to be alone, to think, to contemplate. As her tears grew weaker, her resolve grew stronger. She could feel a change come over her, a change she liked - and she was not about to give Alexander up now.

  At first she was angry and determined to confront her father. She would announce that if he was going to send Alexander away, she would leave this place and go back home. But she reconsidered. She had to be careful giving her father an ultimatum, for he might accept it, and she had better be ready to follow through with her threats.

  Perhaps she should just demand he let Alexander stay. She considered that she was in no position to demand anything. She could not afford to anger her father, risking his reinstatement of the whipping he had intended for Alexander.

  She contemplated Alexander's relationship with his parents. Why couldn't she get along with her parents as he did with his? Then she thought about the difference in how they each treated their parents. Alexander was always respectful and considerate of his parents. He listened to them, and in turn, they listened to him. He never did anything to break their trust in him, and their trust only became stronger.