Finding Home

by Ninette Swann

* * * *

  Jessica was just putting away the dinner dishes when she heard a knock at the door. She put down her stack of plates and headed toward the living area, forgetting that Ben was in there. She stopped at the doorway when she saw him, the way his broad back stretched his athletic hoodie stealing her breath. That man was nothing if not good looking.

  Still, he’d been so quiet all day that she’d nearly forgotten he’d returned. At first, she’d worried that her eggs had made him sick, but Ellie reassured her that Ben was just moody sometimes and to leave it be. Sage advice, especially when Jessica had her hands full with the pie and brownie baking for the annual Christmas dance that evening. Ellie was their main baker, and the money these goods brought in would pay for the few non-homemade Christmas presents she’d give out. Jessica loved helping in the kitchen and had been thrilled to take over much of the food-making this year. Baking was a passion of hers she had squashed long ago, when the grocery store she’d worked at denied her a job behind their cake counter. They’d promised to train her but kept putting her off. Instead of persevering, she’d taken it as a sign and simply given up. The last thing she had baked in Boston was a “coming-out” cake for her dear friend, Mike. Everyone around him had known for ages, but he’d somehow kept it from his parents until his early thirties. When he’d gotten up the nerve to tell them, a group of his friends had thrown him the biggest bash Jessica had ever attended. And it had been her best cake, too. Triple-layered with kiwi and chocolate sauce.

  Ellie walked by, tsking her tongue and gently moving Jessica out of the doorway so she could get to the kitchen. Jessica wondered if she shouldn’t change her clothes for the dance. Sure, she would just be a caterer, standing at the dessert booth, but Christmas events tended to be black tie. She’d gone shopping in town just the other week at Ellie’s insistence and had picked up a few formal dresses as well as alternate work clothes. Minnesota winters required more than a few duffle bags of clothing.

  “Ellie?” She turned to ask the farmer’s wife about her clothing, but was interrupted by joyous shouts and back clapping. Ben had opened the front door to quite the ruckus, and Jessica turned back around.

  “Man, how have you been?” a tall, blond man asked, punching Ben in the shoulder. “We’ve missed you around here!”

  “Mister Big Business, back for a visit to the old stompin’ ground,” a redhead behind the blond chimed in, edging his way around to give Ben a one-armed hug.

  “Good to see you, guys,” Ben answered, rather somberly for the occasion. It was a homecoming, after all, and everyone seemed happy to see him.

  “Better get changed,” the blond hollered then he looked past Ben and saw Jessica, his eyes widening. “He-llo,” he said, elbowing Ben in the ribs without taking his eyes off her. “Is this why you’re staying home tonight? I have to be honest; we were going to drag your ass out. I didn’t realize you’d brought a model home with you, man.”

  “Not a model,” she said, her voice a little too loud. “Just a farmhand. I’ve been here since August.”

  “And I haven’t seen you? Where have I been?” The man strode over to her. “Hi.” He stuck out his hand. “I’m Hal.” He looked at her intently with a gray-green gaze. A very pretty man.

  “Nice to meet you, Hal. I’m Jessica.”

  “Is she yours, Ben?”

  “I can speak for myself,” Jessica bristled. “And no, at least, not that I’m aware of.” She shrugged mentally. She really wasn’t Ben’s. They’d just met, and besides, he could have spent the day getting to know her, helping out in the kitchen, but instead he’d sulked out here. Maybe a little jealousy would do him good—if he would even get jealous. She cursed herself for even thinking that way. It didn’t matter whether or not Ben cared about her. She’d kept herself busy and quiet for a reason. She needed to build up her finances and stand on her own two feet, not lust after some farmer’s hunky son. No, what really mattered was that she would have to start searching for another job, and maybe even another place to live in a different part of the country, now that Ben was back in the picture and would take her farm work from her.

  “Well, then, my lady,” Hal said with a mischievous grin, “would you care to accompany me to our annual Christmas ball this evening?”

  Jessica shot a look at Ben. His mouth was set in a thin line, but he said nothing.

  “Actually, I can’t. I’m set to cater the event with Ellie, so I’ll be busy all evening.”

  “Such a shame,” Hal said loudly. “But that means you will be there. In that case, will you promise me a dance?” He lifted her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss on the back of it.

  Jessica laughed at the comical display of chivalry. “If Ellie lets me have a break, then yes,” she said.

  “Victory is mine!” Hal shouted, giving Ben a cocky smile.

  “So, Ben,” the redhead said, “you coming or what?”

  Ben shrugged his shoulders, letting out a breath. “I guess,” he said. Jessica noticed he didn’t sound very happy about it.

  “Great. Then get changed, man. We haven’t got all night.”

  “All right, all right,” Ben said, holding up his hands. “I’ll meet you goons there.”

  “I look forward to our dance,” Hal called as the two made their way out the door into the snow-filled night.

  Jessica waited in the living room for a few moments, but Ben didn’t look her way. Feeling uneasy, she walked into the kitchen to find Ellie.

  * * * *

  The place was packed. Jessica served slice after slice of Ellie’s famous pie, keeping so busy, she didn’t even see Ben when he arrived. Hal had been by a few times, the first for some baked goods, but after that, simply as a welcomed distraction from her duties. She greeted him with a smile when she saw him headed her way again, happy she’d chosen the long black gown for the event. She might be a caterer, but she held her own in the fashion department.

  “I think it’s about time for that dance,” he said, giving her a mock bow.

  “Oh, I don’t know, Hal. There’s still a lot of dessert to give out.”

  “Come on, now,” he replied, his voice smoothness itself. “I’m sure Ellie could let you go for just a few minutes?”

  He aimed his question at the older woman, and though she cocked her brow at him, she gave a slight nod. Not needing more approval, Hal swept Jessica onto the dance floor just as a slow number started.

  “So, tell me the truth, Jessica,” Hal started, his hands resting comfortably on her upper back. “How do you feel about our dear friend, Ben?”

  Jessica shook her head, her long curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Why?”

  Hal pushed her away slightly, holding onto her shoulders so he could look at her face as they spoke. “Because he’s got it bad for you,” he said, then jerked his head to the corner of the room. Jessica followed his movement and saw Ben in a three-piece suit, looking dapper and handsome and pissed to all hell.

  She giggled.

  “Is he always this childish?” she asked. “I have to be honest, he’s been quite sour today. I’m certainly not attracted to that.”

  “You know,” Hal said, weighing her question more seriously than she’d asked him, “I don’t rightly know. He seemed more together before he left. I’d guess coming home has been pretty hard for him. We still love him, but I don’t think he knows that yet. Still, no reason to act like a ten year old. You know, I think I’ll tell him that.”

  Hal spun her around the dance floor, twirling and dipping her until she was dizzy and gasping for breath for all the laughter. In mere moments, he’d positioned them near the brooding man in the corner.

  “Hey, Ben,” Hal shouted. “There’s no need to be a ten year old.”

  Then he swept her away again, putting them at the opposite end of the room for the end of the song.

  “Well,” Jessica said, trying to hide her mirth, “that wasn’t particularly helpful.”

  “You don’t think so?” Hal asked, opening h
is eyes in fake innocence before changing the subject. “Well, in all seriousness,” Hal said as the last notes hovered in the air, “if you’re interested in him, which I suspect you are, give him a little time to shape up. This isn’t the Ben I know. He’s got some shit to sort out, if you know what I mean. Starting with that right there.”

  Hal pointed.

  She saw a lithe blonde talking to Ben, her delicate frame leaning into him as she whispered in his ear. Jessica’s stomach tightened, and she mentally slapped herself. Stop it. She had nothing to be jealous about.

  “Why do you think I’m interested in him?” she asked Hal, still looking at Ben.

  “Easy,” Hal said, releasing her as they returned to the buffet table. “You haven’t tried to kiss me yet.” He grinned and bowed as he backed away, causing Jessica to laugh again.

  “I like you, Hal,” she said. “You’re funny.”

  He nodded solemnly. “Aye, it is my curse. Girls always say they like someone who makes them laugh, but my single status proves otherwise. Farewell, my dear. I hope to see you at the New Year’s Bash, too. Maybe, I can change your mind about Ben.” He gave her a wink and disappeared into the crowd, making his way to the front doors.

  Ellie smiled as Jessica busied herself consolidating pie slices onto fewer plates to make room for new desserts.

  “Hal’s cute, isn’t he?” she asked. “He’s no Ben, though.”

  Jessica smiled. “A mother’s love…”

  She let her voice trail off as she scanned the room for Ellie’s handsome son. Both he and the blonde were gone.

  * * * *

  “Why are we here, Ben?”

  Lisa gave him a quizzical look that wasn’t at all romantic. Ben sighed and shook his head. He knew going to the ball had been a bad idea. Even the girl who’d pined for him for four years straight in high school, and who was currently single, had no interest in him.

  “I don’t know,” he hedged. “It seemed like the right place to go?” The hills right outside town had always been a romantic spot for teenagers and lovers because of their exquisite views. The full moon glinting off the snow and silhouetting the stark trees was majestic. Ben wished he could show Jessica then remembered himself and who he was with. He turned his attention to Lisa.

  Lisa’s gaze scanned over the landscape, and she refused to catch his eyes.

  “That’s always been your problem, you know?” she said offhandedly, still not looking at him.

  “What?”

  “You make up these rules as to what seems to be the right thing to do. You never think for yourself.”

  “That’s not true. I was supposed to become a farmer, and I very bravely set off to fail at business.” The statement was meant as a joke, but Ben couldn’t manage to put enough mirth into his tone to pull it off.

  “Exactly! You didn’t do what you wanted to do. You decided you didn’t want to be a farmer in Sauk Centre, and you did what seemed to be the right thing to get out of here. But you never did it right.”

  “No kidding.” He squirmed.

  “Ben, if you’re ever going to date that redhead you stared at all night, you’re going to have to lose the poor-me act. It’s not attractive. Hell, even I’m not attracted to you right now. That makes this the first time in…” She counted on her fingers and ran out of them. “Twelve years,” she finished.

  “How can I give up my feelings? You said so yourself, I’m not attractive anymore. I’ve got nothing to offer. I’m nothing but failure.”

  “You’re not a failure, just a child. Let’s look at the facts, okay? You left town without a solid plan as fast as you could. Then you didn’t talk to any of us, including your parents—making this homecoming extremely awkward, I might add. You didn’t do that because you were an adult with a great business idea. An adult would have kept his old relationships and remembered his family while trying to spread his wings in the world. An adult would have had a bridge to wander onto if he needed help before it got to this point. You were a child running away.”

  “Well, this is certainly building me up and making me feel not sorry for myself at all. Thanks, Lisa,” Ben quipped.

  “Feeling sorry for yourself is a childish emotion, too. Get angry at yourself, Ben. Not the way you are, but in an adult way. Look at your life, at what you have done. Then put it away. You can only move forward. So do it, and do it right this time.”

  “So why are you talking to me, if you’re not interested in me anymore?”

  “Oh, I’m still interested in you. Just not tonight. I don’t like whiny babies.”

  “Hey!”

  “Okay, that was mostly a joke. Anyway, it would never work between us.”

  Ben looked at her in surprise, noting the absolute seriousness in her wide blue eyes. She seemed completely sure. “Why not?”

  “Two reasons,” she said. “One, you’re going to leave again.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are. Just because you didn’t do as well as you thought you would in New York doesn’t mean you want to be a farm boy in Minnesota. Eventually, you’ll get sick of punishing yourself and move on again. Just do it right this time. Remember, there are people here who love you deeply. Treat them well.”

  He nodded, thinking over her words.

  “And two,” she continued, “you’re obviously in love with your parents’ new helper. And I can’t say I blame you.”

  “Who, Jessica?”

  “Is that the redhead I mentioned earlier, in a comment you completely ignored?”

  “Well, yeah…”

  “Then, yes, Jessica.”

  “I’m not in love with her,” Ben said, enunciating his words. “I don’t even know her.”

  “You don’t have to know people to feel close to them,” Lisa replied. “Maybe love was a strong word, but whatever it was I saw going on between you two, well, I’m not stepping in the middle of it.”

  “And what did you see?”

  “That’s none of your damn business,” she said with a laugh. “Find it yourself. I’m done counseling for the night.”

  She tousled his hair affectionately. “Now, can you take me home?”

  Chapter Four

  Lisa’s words stuck with Ben. He spent the next three days hard at work, doing repairs at the old farmhouse. He tightened the kitchen chairs that had grown wobbly from use, painted the doorframes that had chipped years ago when he’d haphazardly moved out his furniture, and reorganized the basement area that was full of the stuff he’d left laying around when he’d gone, but that his mother had never touched out of respect for him.

  These chores were boring and small, but he considered them penance for his actions. He actually came to enjoy the process, looking back on the progress he made with pride. That had always been his problem, he decided. He wanted results immediately. He’d work hard for them, but if his projects took too long, he grew disillusioned and started on something else instead, dooming his first effort to failure as it languished, unloved.

  He wiped the sweat from his brow as he crouched low under the sink in the kitchen. There was a small leak in the pipe there that Harold hadn’t gotten around to fixing. Ben went at the problem area with a wrench, shouting out the words to the old Metallica song he was blasting from the stereo. His hand touched a slimy spot, and he recoiled. He’d have to bleach this piece out. Straightening, he turned to grab a rag then stumbled back toward the counter when he saw Jessica standing right behind him.

  “What ever happened to Christmas carols?” she asked with a smile. He turned down the sound, embarrassed. Her face flickered concern for a moment. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. You’ve been so busy, I’ve hardly seen you since the dance!”

  “I have to make up for a lot of lost time,” he said, wiping his hands on his tattered jeans. “I left this place a mess when I moved, and I decided to make myself useful.”

  “Good choice.” Jessica nodded, her fiery curls bobbing around her shoulders. She flashed her
green eyes up at him. “I’ll be needing the kitchen soon, though. Ellie is getting packed to accompany Harold on a business trip for the next few days. Dinner’s my responsibility.”

  “What are we having?” Ben asked, squatting back down under the sink. He didn’t want her to see him staring at her gorgeous figure displayed by the apron dress she wore.

  “Pot roast,” she said. “Should be easy enough.”

  “Can I help you?”

  Jessica laughed. “Are you even the same person I met four days ago?”

  “Hey!” He peered up at her. “I wasn’t that bad!”

  She just laughed in reply, turning to leave. “Let me know when you’re done,” she said. “If you clean up, maybe I’ll let you slice the potatoes.”

  The smell of bleach was overpowering as Ben finished up his task. He’d have to shower before he did anything with food. Plus, he didn’t want to be close to Jessica while smelling like moldy sink. He’d carefully avoided her these past few days, wanting to concentrate on himself before considering his blooming feelings for the quiet, helpful beauty who slept in his old room each night. He didn’t want his efforts to turn into a show-off for her. Not that cleaning under a sink was particularly glamorous, but Ben knew himself, and he could gloat over any small project. He wanted to stop that.

  A thought poked through and shocked him. He wanted to be more like his father. Quiet, strong, hard-working. Ben hated to admit it, but he’d always sort of looked down on his dad, for working so much for so little return. Now, he realized the return was great—a healthy and happy household with enough money to get by, provided solely by the work of his father’s hands and the love of his mother. Such a simple and functional family unit was perhaps more of a prize than the glitz and glamour of lonely New York City nights.

  “You done in there?” Jessica’s voice floated into the kitchen from the living room.

  “Yup, just cleaning up,” he replied. “Save the potatoes for me. I’ve got to shower first.”

  “Okay, you’ve got it,” she said as she made her way in, wrinkling her nose a bit. “Smelly in here.”