Finding Home

by Ninette Swann

  Feeling the hard ridge of him under her made her body ache with a need she hadn’t known she’d had. Her center pulsed with it, when Ben turned away. She waited impatiently as Ben crossed the room, bent in his closet and took out a small box. He held up a key, smiling, then moved to the nightstand. He unlocked the top drawer and removed a condom.

  “So that’s why that drawer was locked,” Jessica murmured.

  Ben just grinned at her and slipped the latex over his skin. That done, he lay back down and placed his hand on the bones of her hips, lifting her gently, then easing her back down so that she sheathed him completely.

  Jessica let Ben set the pace from below, a leisurely back and forth that drew gasps of pleasure from her with each pulse within her. She knelt forward, planting her forearms on either side of his face, and kissed his bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth and teasing it with her tongue until the man beneath her could take no more and crushed her to him, searing her with hot kisses from her jaw to her cheekbones.

  His thrusts became more urgent, and Jessica felt a coiling of lust deep within her as he reached a spot she hadn’t known she had again and again. In a frenetic movement of passion, orgasm took Jessica without warning, pushing her over the edge of oblivion as she cried out in exquisite pleasure. Her eyelids fluttered closed as she came, and she clenched around the hot length inside of her. She didn’t see Ben’s surrender to the abyss. She felt his hands rake over her back and grab her buttocks as he rocked into her with force, shouting out, then reached up to run his fingers through her hair.

  They lay in silence for long moments before Jessica raised her head to look at the man who was so thoroughly leaving his mark. His dark eyes burned into hers with a million questions before a mask of placidity fell over his features.

  “I could get used to this,” he murmured, cupping her chin in his hand.

  She nodded, reluctantly rolling off him. As much as she wanted to stay in bed all day, the animals needed tending to, and their bout of lovemaking put them way behind schedule.

  “Hey, come back,” Ben said, reaching for her as she planted her feet on the floor.

  She smiled at him. “We’ve got all day to do this,” she said. “Right now, the cows need to be fed.” She laughed as she walked away. “And I know just the guy to do it.”

  Ben groaned, putting his hands over his face. “I knew there was a reason I left this farm,” he complained.

  “Buck up,” Jessica said with a smirk, tossing him a clean flannel from the closet. “At least, you’ve got your family.” Her voice nearly broke with unexpected emotion at that, and she turned quickly, shutting the door to the bedroom on the way out. Tears threatened as she thought of her parents, of how they’d never see another Christmas.

  * * * *

  With Ben being out at the barns, a lonely, nervous feeling overwhelmed Jessica. She felt a sudden urge to check her email, which she hadn’t done since she’d left Boston. She had wanted to start completely fresh, but after seeing Ben and his family together, she had started to worry about her own loose ties. She figured it couldn’t hurt to read a few messages. It was probably all junk mail anyway.

  She turned on the old desktop and waited. Taking a fortifying breath, Jessica tried to stem her anxiety. The worst that could be there was an angry note from her landlord, Shelby, about not paying rent, right?

  Wrong.

  There were several notes from him. The first annoyed, the second angry, and the subsequent communications worried and panicked. In the last one dated in early November, Shelby stated simply that he’d found her extended family after not hearing back from her and had left it in their hands.

  After that, she read email upon email, each more harried than the last from her uncle. He begged her to reply, said he was afraid the perpetrators had kidnapped her or worse. Subsequent emails got more and more hopeless. The last one, dated in early December, detailed a missing person report he’d filed.

  An odd sensation wrapped itself around her heart. Who was this person her mother had hated so? Why was he hated? Clearly, he cared deeply about his blood ties. Travis didn’t owe Jessica a thing. He had no obligation to her, no connection to her other than the rings, and yet money was not mentioned once in any of the communications.

  There must have been a misunderstanding all those years ago. She wondered if perhaps her uncle deserved a shot at knowing her. Sure, they could just go on as they had been. She could leave him in doubt and worry. She didn’t owe him anything, either. But could she turn her back on her own family? She didn’t have a reason like whatever her mother’s had been. And she was all alone. Could she ignore the chance to heal an age-old rift? Had her mother been so hurt and spiteful that she wouldn’t understand?

  Jessica went back and forth with herself. On the one hand, her mom had made it absolutely clear that Uncle Travis was a scumbag, unworthy of even a second thought. On the other hand, she had never told Jessica why, and she was now dead. As an adult, Jessica could easily just ask her uncle what happened then decide for herself, right?

  She thought about the Elkers. If Ben could be welcomed back with open arms as part of a family, maybe she should do the same thing. Or at least try.

  Her stomach rumbled. It was well past one p.m., and by now, Ben would be wanting lunch, too. She made her way down the stairs to start an omelet for lunch, and as she went, a decision hit her with such finality that she was making future plans before she even made it to the kitchen. She would go back to Boston. She had to make amends and build a bridge, even if that meant leaving the family who’d treated her so well. Even if it meant leaving the man who’d just opened her eyes to what life could be like if you welcomed it with open arms.

  She forced the thoughts away as the eggs sizzled in the pan, reminding her of her task. The kitchen filled with the delicious smells of sausage and roasted peppers as the omelet solidified into perfection. She heard Ben stomping his boots free of snow in the entryway, but before she could call out, she heard his voice on the phone.

  “You don’t have to let her go, Mom. I’m sure there’s enough work for both of us!”

  He paused, and Jessica strained her ears.

  “But it’s Christmas, for Christ’s sake.”

  She heard him shrug off his heavy coat and put it on the rack by the door.

  “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have come home.”

  Jessica crept into the room, startling Ben. He was bent over on the couch in frustration, and Jessica smiled at his protectiveness of her welfare. He was beautiful, sitting there, his dark blue eyes filled with emotion as he seemed to fight an inward battle.

  “Hi,” she said awkwardly as she entered the room proper. Ben clicked off the phone without so much as saying goodbye.

  “How much did you hear?” he asked.

  Jessica loved how straightforward he was.

  “Enough,” she said simply. “But, actually, it works out perfectly for me. I have…some business to attend to back home. I’ll have to leave immediately.”

  She fingered the rings around her neck. It was time to let go of the past and pave the way to a brighter future.

  Ben’s face fell at her announcement. “You won’t be staying for Christmas?”

  “Well, that’s the thing,” Jessica hedged. “I actually don’t have enough money to get home. And I know you were just talking about how you couldn’t afford to keep me on, but I was wondering if you could…” She blanched, trying to force the next words out. “If you could spot me a small loan for a train ticket. I’ll have the funds to pay you back and more as soon as I reach the city. I just have to make amends first and allow my own family to be part of the decision making.”

  She waited to be turned down, her heart in her throat.

  Ben’s phone vibrated.

  “That’s mom again,” he said. “Probably pissed I hung up.” He went to put the phone in his pocket.

  “Let me talk to her,” Jessica said.

  “What? Why?”
r />   “Just let me talk to her.” Jessica reached for the phone, which Ben handed over reluctantly.

  “Hi, Ellie.”

  “Hi,” the older woman sounded distracted. “Ben hung up on me!”

  “Yeah, I know, I heard that. It’s my fault. I startled him. He hung up by accident.”

  “Hmph,” said Ellie. “Well, why isn’t he talking to me right now?”

  “I asked him to give me the phone. I have a question for you.”

  Jessica started to pace the room, nervous energy filling her as she searched for the courage to ask for money from the woman who had been so kind to her and who was obviously struggling. She straightened her shoulders.

  “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I actually need to leave anyway. I was hoping…well, I was hoping you would…you could, rather, lend me just enough money for a train ticket back east.”

  She waited, holding her breath.

  Ellie didn’t reply, but Jessica heard her muffle the phone and start speaking to someone on the other end of the line. Harold, she assumed.

  “Well, Jess, we don’t have much…”

  “Oh, I know,” she said, the air pushing out of her lungs. “I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. As soon as I get to the city. With interest.”

  “Oh no, it’s not that, dear. We wish we could give you more. All we have available is in the cookie jar on the back counter. It’s yours. You don’t have to pay it back. Consider it a really crappy severance and Christmas bonus tied into one.” Ellie laughed, but there was no mirth in her voice. “Will we see you when we return tonight?”

  “I don’t know,” Jessica replied. “I want to get a train out as quickly as possible. But I’ll be back, I promise.”

  Ellie laughed that sad laugh again. “Oh, we’ve heard that before, my dear.”

  * * * *

  The cold wrapped around Ben as the wind whipped through the old train station. Jessica stood at the ticket counter, her red curls popping defiantly out of the tight winter cap she’d donned before they left. Fingers frozen even through his gloves, Ben blew on his hands to warm them. It had no effect at all.

  He felt hollow and depressed. What had started out as a promising Christmas had shriveled into every other Christmas he could remember since childhood. The holiday left him feeling inadequate and small. He couldn’t help but blame himself for Jessica’s departure.

  She claimed she had unfinished family business to attend to, but wouldn’t those issues have been there since she came to Minnesota? Why after sleeping with him was it imperative for her to leave immediately? Did she think it had been a mistake? Could the best sex of his life have been nothing more than a misstep for the beauty exchanging his parents’ emergency fund for a ticket back home?

  His ears burned at the thought. Yet another instance where Ben was left in the dust, unsure of what he’d done wrong but sure it was his fault. He had been kidding himself to think that he could change. He would never do anything but let other people down.

  “All set,” Jessica said, as she reached him. They sat on one of the empty benches. It turned out not too many people traveled by train on Christmas Eve.

  “When do you leave?” Ben asked, unable to meet her intense green gaze.

  “The train should be here in fifteen minutes.”

  “Are you sure you have to go?” Ben cursed himself for the words he couldn’t help.

  “Ben,” Jessica said, taking his gloved hand in her own. “I will be back as soon as I can. I promise. And I’ll call to keep you updated.”

  Ben nodded, but he didn’t believe her. He knew better than anyone how empty those words could be. He might as well face the facts. He’d never see her again. They sat in silence for a few moments. Though Ben wanted to say something, he couldn’t muster the words. Jessica angled her head, resting it on his shoulder. He took comfort in the sugary scent of her hair under the strong smell of the homemade wool cap.

  “Did my mom make that for you?” he asked, finally.

  “Yes, isn’t it lovely?”

  “It looks wonderful on you.” Ben sighed. Pointless last conversation. He should be telling her how much she meant to him, how much he cared for her, how sorry he was for whatever he’d done to frighten her away. Pride held him back. No need to make this more awkward than it already was. If he bared his soul and she laughed at him or ignored it, he felt certain he would never recover.

  The train screeched to a halt outside the drafty building, and they rose to meet it. Ben carried Jessica’s bags, just two, and loaded them for her. She came to stand next to him as he finished, and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching for her. He tilted his head and pressed her lips in a chaste, aching kiss, imprinting this scene as a snapshot in his memory. As she pulled away, she wiped tears from her eyes.

  “This is silly,” she said with a shaky laugh. “I’ll be back soon. Let’s just hope you’re still here.”

  She stepped onto the train, waving, a sad smile on her face. Ben’s stomach flopped and gurgled as he watched her leaving the station. He was nauseous and had to stop and lean against the wall to regain his composure. He walked with slow steps to the old SUV then headed home with emptiness filling his heart. His parents would be back in three hours. Somehow, he had to lift the veil of despair to greet them on their Christmas return.

  Chapter Seven

  Jessica transferred to the Green Line after the train dropped her off at Riverside. She’d slept through most of the long trip home, and now was on the final leg. She felt scratchy and frumpy after spending nearly a day on the train, but she smiled with gratitude at the young man who exchanged her money for tokens at the turnstile. He wished her Merry Christmas with a grin. It felt nice to have some human interaction, and she gave him a tip with her remaining coins.

  It was Christmas day, and Jessica was on her way to her uncle’s house in Woodbridge. He’d left his full contact information in every email. She’d contemplated stopping back at her old apartment but had decided against it. She hadn’t paid rent since July, and she was sure the landlord had indicated he would have to get new tenants by now. She wondered what had become of her stuff. Anything that had been hers there must now be gone, destroyed or used by someone new. She’d given up so much on a cynical suspicion. She laughed in a rueful tone, causing the few other passengers on the T to look her way then buried her nose in a book she grabbed from the top of one of her duffles to avoid further glances.

  Just ten minutes after boarding, she reached her destination. Hauling her bags behind her, Jessica considered the long walk ahead of her. She didn’t have enough money for a cab. At least, her boots were warm and snug against her feet. She drifted down the stairs, the doubt and fear she’d been holding deep inside finally boiling over to the surface. What awaited her here? She hoped she wouldn’t entirely ruin Christmas for everyone.

  “Where you headed, Miss?” a cabbie asked from his taxi.

  “Oh, I’ve got no money,” she said, her tone sheepish. “But thank you.”

  She moved a few more steps when the voice called her back.

  “Excuse me,” the man said. Jessica peered into the car at the driver’s face. It was weathered and wrinkled, and kind amber eyes picked up the lights of the station, reflecting them back to her.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s just that it’s awfully cold out here, and you’re likely to freeze to death before you make it to any of them there houses. Where are you going?”

  She rattled off the address she now knew by heart.

  “Well,” the man smiled, “wouldn’t you know? I was going by there anyway. Let me give you a lift.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t.” Jessica ducked her head in embarrassment. “I truly have no money.”

  “Consider it a Christmas present,” the driver said. “Please.”

  She flashed him a grateful smile and walked to the passenger seat. “If that’s the case, I hope you won’t mind me sitting up front?”

  He grinned back at her. “Not at a
ll. I’m Charlie.”

  “Jessica,” she said, opening the back door to sit her bags down then taking her place beside him.

  She made pleasant chit-chat with him, relieved to hear the thick Boston accent. She hadn’t realized she’d missed it.

  Charlie talked about his grandkids and spoke excitedly about seeing them that evening. She was to be his last run of the evening, he said.

  “Your last run is a freebie? I am blessed. I can never thank you enough.”

  “It’s nothing, Jessica. I’m happy to know you.”

  She snorted. “Well, that makes you the only one.” She fingered the rings around her neck and looked out the window.

  “Actually, Charlie, can you stop here for just a moment,” she said on a whim, a decision taking hold of her as she saw the brassy lights of a pawnshop signifying it was open, even on Christmas.

  “Anything you’d like, honey,” he said. “But are you sure you want to delay your return home?”

  She nodded. This was the least she could do. She gave the jewelry a goodbye tug as she made her way to the door.

  Peering at the greasy young man behind the counter, she offered up her family history.

  “I’ll give you five-hundred dollars for them.”

  “What?” Jessica peered at the kid behind the counter. She hadn’t expected to get full price for the pieces, but she knew they were worth at least five-hundred-thousand possibly a million. “No, I can’t do that.”

  “Best I can do,” he said, not deigning to look at her.

  “What’s going on out there, Freddy?” An old woman’s voice echoed from the back room.

  “Nothing, Granny,” the man bit back. “Just a chick trying to sell her wedding rings on Christmas.”

  Jessica bristled.

  “These aren’t mine,” she said. “They belonged to my dead mother, and I know for a fact that they’re worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’ll be on my way.”