Things We Never Said

by Nick Alexander

  Sean freezes at the threshold and stares, in shock, at the scene. Memories of lying next to Catherine on a similar hospital bed momentarily flood his mind.

  ‘Well, come on,’ April says. ‘Come and meet Jake.’

  ‘I’m so sorry I missed all of this,’ Sean says, crossing the room. ‘I was visiting your gran down in Wiltshire.’

  ‘I know,’ April says. ‘Ronan told me. But it doesn’t matter. You’re here now.’

  ‘I did try to call you,’ Ronan says, ‘but there was never any answer.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Sean replies. ‘Bloody phone was on silent.’ Then, addressing April, ‘Did you say Jake? I thought it was going to be Jack.’

  ‘Oh, I know you’re not keen, and we’ll change it if you’re dead set against. But we both really like it, don’t we?’ She glances at Ronan, who nods, shrugs and smiles simultaneously.

  Sean leans in at the bedside and reaches out to gently stroke the baby’s tiny ear. ‘Jake’s fine,’ he says softly. ‘I’ll get over it. I already did, actually.’

  Baby Jake blows a bubble of spittle and half cries, half gurgles as he tries to reach for Sean’s finger, but April moves him away. ‘Sorry, Dad, but could you wash your hands, do you think? Because this baby sucks everything.’

  ‘Sure,’ Sean says. ‘Of course. I won’t be a tick.’

  By the time Sean gets back from the bathroom, Maggie has returned. ‘Isn’t he beautiful?’ she says when Sean re-enters the room.

  ‘He is,’ Sean agrees. ‘And he looks exactly like his mother did when she was born.’

  ‘Hopefully I wasn’t quite as blotchy,’ April says.

  ‘You were exactly as blotchy,’ Sean tells her. ‘But don’t worry, it soon goes away.’

  ‘Thank God for that,’ April says. ‘So does he really look like me? Or is that just something everyone feels they have to say?’

  ‘No, he really does,’ Sean tells her. ‘You had that same expression on your face. Like you were permanently surprised.’ He looks from the baby to April and their eyes meet for a moment too long. April sighs and bites her bottom lip and Sean’s eyes begin to water, and he knows that they had the same thought at the same instant – he can sense that they are both missing the same person at the same time. He can feel that they are standing side by side in that moment, peering together into the void of Catherine’s absence. Sean swipes at his watery eyes and manages to force a smile and wink at his daughter.

  ‘Have you held him yet?’ Maggie asks, breaking the tension.

  Sean clears his throat. ‘No,’ he says. ‘No, I haven’t.’

  Less than ten minutes later a nurse appears to bustle them from the room. ‘Rules is rules,’ she says. ‘I don’t know how you even got in. You can come back at visiting time, but right now, you need to be O-U-T – out!’

  In the corridor, Sean lingers, momentarily unsure what to do for the next three hours.

  ‘Coffee?’ Maggie suggests. ‘There’s a Costa opposite. And I could do with some food to tell the truth. I think I might faint otherwise.’

  ‘Sure,’ Sean says. ‘That’s a great idea.’

  The second they are seated, Maggie sinks her teeth into her sandwich, groans with pleasure and then asks, through crumbs, ‘So how does it feel, Grandpa?’

  Sean snorts. ‘Grandpa,’ he repeats. ‘It feels lovely. A bit sad, too, actually. A bit bittersweet, you know?’

  ‘Without Catherine here to share it . . .’ Maggie says, understandingly. ‘It’s bound to be.’

  By way of reply, Sean simply blinks slowly and nods.

  ‘Yes,’ Maggie says. ‘That must be hard. That must be really hard.’

  ‘But they’re all fine,’ Sean says, forcing an upbeat tone. ‘That’s the main thing. April, Ronan, Jake. They’re their own little family now.’ He shakes his head as if he can hardly believe it’s true.

  ‘April said you didn’t much like Jake. As a name, I mean.’

  Sean sighs and peers into Maggie’s eyes. He wonders if she knows the reason why. But the expression that meets his own seems innocent enough. Innocent, naive, warm . . .

  ‘Did you ever finish those tapes?’ Maggie asks as if she’s been listening to his thoughts.

  ‘Yes,’ Sean says. ‘Yes, I did, actually.’

  ‘Were there any more revelations?’

  Sean laughs. ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘Yes, there were quite a few.’

  Maggie nods. She waits for a moment for Sean to continue, but then, visibly realising that he isn’t going to, she says, hesitantly, ‘Right. Well . . . good. That you finished them, I mean.’

  ‘You know . . .’ Sean starts.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ he says, wrinkling his nose. ‘It’s just a silly thing Catherine said.’

  ‘No, go on.’

  Sean shakes his head. ‘Really!’ he says. ‘Best not.’

  Maggie tuts and rolls her eyes. ‘You’re such a tease. You always were.’

  ‘A tease?’

  ‘Yes, a tease. You know it drives me insane when people start to tell me something and then change their minds. I’ll now drive myself mad for weeks trying to guess what it was you were going to say.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really.’

  ‘OK, then,’ Sean says. ‘You asked for it. There was one revelation, as you call them, that involved you, actually.’

  ‘Me?’ Maggie says. ‘Oh, you mean the supposed affair I had with you? You already told me about that.’

  ‘No, she changed her mind about that, actually. She didn’t think we’d had an affair after all. Not in the end.’

  ‘Oh,’ Maggie says, softly. ‘Well, that’s a relief. I hated the idea that she’d . . . you know . . . thought that the whole time.’

  ‘But she did think that you might be in love with me,’ Sean says, letting the words rush out before he can change his mind.

  Maggie frowns at Sean deeply, then opens her mouth to reply before closing it again and glancing towards the door of the café instead. Finally, she looks back and says, in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice, ‘Well, it makes sense, I suppose. Seeing as she thought we had an affair and everything.’

  ‘Yes, but like I said, she changed her mind about that. She just thought it was some sort of unrequited-love thing between us, I think. Something we’d never dared talk about. Or even thought about, even.’

  ‘Really?’ Maggie says. She blushes and looks down at her cup and saucer for a moment. She fiddles with her teaspoon. ‘I’m . . . I’m not sure quite what to say to that.’

  ‘Nothing, I suppose,’ Sean says with fake disinterest. ‘I mean, there’s nothing to say, really, is there? Especially if it’s not true. Especially if she got that wrong, I mean.’

  ‘No,’ Maggie says, averting her gaze by glancing back at the door again. A young woman is struggling her way through it with a pushchair. Maggie jumps up and crosses the café to help her.

  ‘So!’ she says, when she finally returns.

  ‘So,’ Sean repeats.

  Maggie looks at him coyly.

  ‘Did Catherine get that wrong?’ Sean asks.

  ‘Um?’ Maggie says. ‘Oh . . . well, of course she did.’

  ‘Oh, OK,’ Sean says, flatly.

  ‘Morphine,’ Maggie says, nodding knowingly. ‘That’s what’s on those tapes, Sean. I told you. Morphine.’

  ‘Right,’ Sean says, pulling a face. ‘Actually, don’t . . . please. Don’t, you know . . . reduce them to that.’

  ‘No,’ Maggie says. ‘No, I’m sorry.’

  ‘There was a lot of stuff on those tapes and some of it may have been a bit . . . a bit wide of the mark, perhaps. But there was also a great deal of truth on them. They were quite amazing, actually.’

  ‘I’m sure,’ Maggie says. ‘I didn’t mean anything.’

  Sean shakes his head sadly and sighs.

  ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, Sean. It’s just, well, that came out of left field, that’s all.’

  �
�It’s fine,’ Sean says. ‘Really. And it’s not you. It’s just . . . regret. You know, there were so many things we never said to each other. So many opportunities wasted. And by the time Catherine put everything out there in the open . . . well, it was too late, really.’

  ‘Too late for what?’

  ‘Too late for us to say the things we needed to say, I suppose.’

  Maggie nods. She reaches across the table for Sean’s wrist. ‘Right,’ she says. ‘Well, that’s just human, isn’t it? We all have lots of things we should have said or could have said. Life’s all about what might have happened if, isn’t it? Because there are so many possibilities, aren’t there? So many different paths. But you only get to choose one.’

  Suddenly self-conscious, she pulls her hand sharply back. ‘That was me comforting you, by the way,’ she says, in a professorial tone of voice. ‘Not me being in love with you. Not that at all. Just to be clear.’

  ‘Just to be clear,’ Sean repeats, grinning.

  From that point on, the conversation becomes stilted, so they quickly finish their drinks and pull their coats back on.

  Outside in the street, they hug rigidly and head off in different directions, Maggie towards the railway station and Sean towards the hospital. He has decided to move the car from the outrageously expensive hospital car park and look for a hotel room nearby. He suddenly feels incredibly tired. There’s been too much emotion for one day, and all he wants to do is find the nearest bed and collapse in it.

  As he reaches the car, he hunts for the car keys in his pocket but finds, instead, the lump of rose quartz April gave him. He caresses it fondly, releases it and then pulls his keys from the other pocket. On hearing the clip-clop of heels behind him, he pauses and turns.

  ‘Sean!’

  ‘Maggie,’ Sean says, smiling lopsidedly. ‘Sorry, did you want a lift somewhere or . . . ?’

  ‘No,’ Maggie says, bending to put her hands on her knees and panting. ‘So unfit!’ she says, then breathlessly, ‘No, I wanted to ask you something.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Yes, what you asked me in the café,’ Maggie says, straightening.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Was there a reason?’

  ‘I’m sorry? Was there a reason for what?’

  ‘Oh, don’t be obtuse, Sean. Was there a reason why you told me that? Of all the things that were on the tapes, that’s the thing you chose to tell me. Why was that?’

  ‘Oh,’ Sean says. ‘Right. Sorry. Um, I suppose it was just because it implicated you, really.’

  ‘It implicated me?’ Maggie repeats.

  ‘Well, yes. It was about you.’

  ‘OK. Right. So, I suppose the question is, did it implicate you, Sean?’

  ‘I’m not sure I’m following you.’

  ‘Oh, forget it,’ Maggie says. ‘This is pointless.’

  She starts to walk away, but Sean calls her back.

  ‘Maggie!’ he says. ‘Wait.’ When she turns to face him again, he gestures with open palms and says, ‘What is all this? I don’t understand.’

  Maggie laughs. ‘I don’t either,’ she says. ‘Maybe it’s just another one of those missed opportunities we were talking about.’

  ‘Missed opportunities?’ Sean repeats.

  ‘Perhaps. Look. God, this is so difficult . . . but what the hell . . . The question is, I suppose, what would it change, Sean?’

  ‘What would what change?’

  ‘What would it change if I’d said yes instead of no?’

  Sean’s features shift to a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. ‘Why?’ he says. ‘Is that something you think you might have said?’

  ‘Just . . . answer the question, Sean,’ Maggie says, irritatedly. ‘What would it have changed if that were the case?’

  ‘What, you mean, if . . . if you’d said you were, a bit . . .’

  ‘Yes,’ Maggie interrupts. ‘Please stop making this so bloody difficult, would you? What would it change if, theoretically speaking, I’d admitted to . . . I don’t know . . . to . . . perhaps . . . liking you, let’s say, more than I should.’

  ‘More than you should?’ Sean repeats.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Theoretically?’ Sean says, through laughter.

  ‘Yes, theoretically. And don’t laugh at me. This isn’t easy, Sean.’

  ‘No,’ Sean says, forcing a circumspect expression. ‘No, not laughing at all, here, Mags. Um. Well, speaking theoretically,’ he continues, ‘I suppose . . .’ He rolls his eyes skywards, desperately searching for inspiration, for clarity. ‘I mean, I’m not ready. I’m not ready for anything.’

  ‘Well, no, obviously you’re not.’

  ‘But later, perhaps, somewhere down the line . . . If that were to be true, I mean, if you did like me, more than you should, then perhaps that might change things.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘That might change quite a lot of things, I suppose.’

  Maggie narrows her eyes. ‘Do you mean in a good way. Or a bad way?’

  Sean shrugs. ‘In a good way, I think. Yeah. I mean, like I say, I’m not ready, right now, for anything. But, potentially. Theoretically. In the long run. Yes, it might change things. It might change things in a very good way indeed.’

  THE END

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to Fay Weldon for encouraging me when it most counted. Thanks to James for sharing the anecdote that inspired me to write this novel. Thanks to Allan and Sue for their proofing skills and to Rosemary and Lolo for being the most important people on my planet. Thanks to Karen, Jenny, Tina, Diana, Annie and everyone else who gave me feedback on this novel. It wouldn’t have happened without you. Thanks to Apple for making reliable work tools and to Amazon for turning the writing of novels back into something one can actually earn a living from.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photo © 2017 Rosey Aston-Snow

  Nick Alexander was born in 1964 in the UK. He has travelled widely and has lived and worked in the UK, the USA and France, where he resides today. Things We Never Said is his fourteenth fictional work. His 2015 novel, The Other Son, was named by Amazon as one of the best fiction titles of the year; The Photographer’s Wife, published in 2014, was a number-one hit in both the UK and France, while The Half-Life of Hannah is the fourth-bestselling independently published Kindle title of all time. Nick’s novels have been translated into French, German, Italian, Spanish, Norwegian, Turkish and Croatian. Nick lives in the southern French Alps with his partner, three friendly cats (plus one mean one) and a few trout.