Thoughts of Braden plagued me throughout work the next day. Tessa and Brock’s wedding would undoubtedly mean I would have to face him again. He was, after all, Brock’s younger brother. But I still hadn’t counted on seeing him in less than a week. I had no time to prepare.
I tried to console myself. Braden’s presence at the weekend dinner wasn’t set in stone. There was a huge possibility that he wouldn’t be there. But there was also a possibility that he would be there, and my treacherous heart pounded at the thought.
It was stupid, the way my heart was reacting. If the look in Braden’s eyes the last time I’d seen him was any indication, whatever was between us was long dead. Seeing him again would only prove this, and it would cut my heart open all over again. I really wasn’t ready for that.
My only comfort was the thought that maybe he was even more miserable than me. Maybe one look would be all it took for me to wipe the slate completely clean and finally move on.
Or maybe I’d realize that moving on would be an impossible feat for me. My mother had never moved on from my father. He’d left us, and she hadn’t welcomed another man into her life since. Maybe I was destined to be like her. Maybe the Thompson girls didn’t heal once their hearts were shattered.
I was in a sullen mood the entire day, a fact that didn’t get past my partner, Alex.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me halfway through our shift. He leaned over, fixing me with a heavy stare, concern lining his light eyes. I scowled at him.
“Nothing,” I responded, trying to keep my voice nonchalant as I turned my gaze back to the front of the ambulance. We were parked just off the highway, waiting for the next call. This was one aspect of the job that I wasn’t a fan of—being stuck in the ambulance with Alex Hastings in between calls.
There wasn’t anything wrong with Alex, per se. He was incredibly attractive and fit. He had dark blond hair, a subtle, perpetual tan, and a dusting of facial hair over kissable lips. He also had gentle eyes and a sweet, trusting smile. He was one of those guys that truly didn’t realize how hot they were, which only added to his appeal.
He was a genuinely caring guy, and he was also into me. Alex was perfect on paper, but he wasn’t Braden, and the tingles I did happen to feel for him didn’t come close to what I had felt for Braden four years before. Not that I’d even give him a chance—we worked together, and I wasn’t about to make my work life awkward.
“Are you still thinking about yesterday?” Alex questioned, his brow furrowed. He leaned back in his seat, his eyes never leaving my face as he waited for me to answer. I knew he was referring to the accident on the highway.
“No, Alex,” I said, sighing. “It’s a long, boring story.”
“We’ve got time,” Alex pointed out, giving me a rueful smile.
I pursed my lips, contemplating. It’d be nice if I could expel some of my ugliness somewhere, and I definitely didn’t want to expel it on Tessa. It wasn’t her fault that the Miller brother she had chosen to fall in love with stuck around. Technically speaking, Alex was one of the only friends I’d really made out here.
I brushed a strand that had fallen loose from my tight ponytail out of my eyes while I contemplated. “My best friend just got engaged,” I said on an exhale, my eyes darting to Alex’s face. He looked confused by my statement.
“And?”
“And she’s getting married in like ten months, and I’m going to be her maid of honor, and her fiancé just so happens to be the older brother of someone I don’t particularly want to see again. Ever.” I summarized.
“Ahh,” he said, his lips pursing as he nodded his head with understanding. “Let me guess, he’s the brother of an ex-boyfriend.”
“Something like that.” I sighed again.
“And you’re not over him.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.
“I’m over him,” I argued, a stubborn set to my jaw. “I just don’t want to deal with his bullshit again.”
“So don’t.” My partner shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee. “His bullshit isn’t your problem anymore, just bring a date to the wedding and have fun.”
My eyebrows shot up at Alex’s suggestion, it actually made a lot of sense. I could focus all of my attention on my date and not have to worry about looking like the pathetic spinster that never moved on in front of Braden and everyone else. Braden didn’t need to know that I spent more time than I cared to admit thinking about what we’d once had and missing it.
Missing him.
“Problem is finding a date,” I remarked. “Barrie isn’t exactly full of potential suitors.”
“Ouch, that stung,” Alex exclaimed, clenching a hand over his heart, a teasing smile playing on his lips. Despite his humorous front, I could tell he was a little offended.
I smiled softly at him, trying to retract the harshness of my words. “Obviously, you’re the exception. Well, maybe,” I added, eyeing him warily. “You may be hot, but you could have some freaky rituals that keep the girls away. Maybe you still let your mom clip your toenails or something.”
“I assure you—there are no freaky rituals here, and my mom hasn’t clipped my toenails since I was at least sixteen,” Alex chuckled. He sent me a brief, converted look, laced with meaning. As if he realized what he was doing, he quickly pulled his eyes away from my face and looked back out the window. “I just work too much to really meet anybody.”
“Same here,” I said, worrying my lip.
Alex cleared his throat, his gaze flitting back to my face. “Well, I’d love to be your stand-in date for your friend’s wedding, if you’d like.”
I massaged my aching temple “Alex, I’m really not—“
“I meant as friends,” he interjected quickly. “I understand that you don’t want to…start anything with me. I get it, it wouldn’t be wise at all. We see way too much of each other as it is. As hot as you are, I don’t think I could handle dating someone and having to work with them. I’d never get a break,” he laughed ruefully, running his hand through his short hair. His gentle hazel eyes were fixed on my face. “But I’ll go as a friend, and what your ex doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
I stared at him and blinked. “You’re a sly dog, Alex Hastings,” I said, shaking my head slowly. A small smile spread across his lips. I turned my body towards his, studying him carefully as I mulled over his offer. “I don’t think this is a good idea,” I muttered, sighing deeply.
“Just think about it,” he said, a teasing smile lifting the corner of his lips. “I’m an excellent wedding date. I can dance, I look great in a suit, and I impress the parents while making the ex-boyfriends seethe with jealousy.”
I snorted with laughter; it was true, after all. I’d seen him dressed up for our work Christmas party. He did look great in a suit, and he was willing to make my ex jealous.
* * *
Friday came quicker than I anticipated, probably because I was dreading it more than a root canal without freezing.
After I arrived home and showered, Tessa and I packed up my little red Camry and hit the road. For the first half of the trip, she chattered nervously about everything. Twenty minutes outside of Parry Sound though, she fell silent, her eyes focused on the scenery passing by the window. Her fingers twisted around and around in her hair, a habit she had always had when nervous.
“It’s going to be fine, Tess,” I told her, giving her a comforting smile.
“I know,” Tessa looked at me, smiling. “I’m just nervous. I never really thought I’d ever be the type to get married so young.” I bit my lip, the flood of memories washing over me at Tessa’s words.
It was true: she had never been the type to daydream about weddings and babies—at least, not to my knowledge. Growing up, that’d been me. I was the hopeless romantic out of our friendship equation. I picked names out for my future babies and used to spend entirely too much time daydreaming about my wedding. When we were kids, I constantly made her play out my ridiculous ideas up in the attic of my h
ouse.
My mom had a trunk of beautiful dress clothes from her beauty pageant days. I’d wear the white sequin gown, while Tessa would choose something else as my maid of honor. The dress swallowed me whole, but I still felt like a princess in it. I couldn’t wait to get married for real.
Then I met Braden, and I fell hard for him. I could easily see my future with him. I could easily picture myself walking down the aisle, all dressed in white and joining him at the altar.
That memory stung now. In fact, I hadn’t thought about weddings or babies since Braden tore my heart clean out of my chest and shredded it into pieces before my very eyes.
“I don’t think he’s going to be there,” Tessa’s voice roused me from my dark thoughts. She was looking at me sympathetically. “Brock spoke to him earlier this week and he’s grad…got something to do on Monday.”
I took a deep, calming breath. I wanted to tell Tessa I didn’t care what Braden was up to—that I didn’t care whether or not he showed up for this dinner, but it would be a blatant lie and I knew she’d see through it. Instead, I bit back my curiousness and nodded, keeping my eyes on the road and my hands gripping the steering wheel.
Tessa fell silent again, looking out the window as her own thoughts consumed her. “I can’t help but wonder…am I making a mistake? Are we rushing into this? I mean, I’m only twenty-two,” she said, her voice so quiet it was almost inaudible. Her gaze was still focused out the window.
“Does it feel like a mistake?” I asked softly, my eyes darting over to meet hers.
“No, it doesn’t,” she sighed, her head turning to face me. “I guess I’m worried about what my family will say.”
“We’ve been over this Tess; you can’t live your life to please them. You have to live your life to please yourself.”
“I know,” Tessa said, a smile on her face. She was silent for a moment, watching me. “Thank you so much for coming with me this weekend. It means a lot to me.” She added, her voice gentle.
“That’s what best friends are for,” I lifted my shoulder, trying to shrug away the deepness of the moment. I didn’t want her to bring up him again. I was glad he wasn’t going to be at the dinner, relieved that I could put off seeing him for a little longer, but I didn’t want to get into my feelings and thoughts right now. I felt too raw. “Am I dropping you off at the farm or at Brock’s?”
“Brock’s, please,” Tessa answered, a wicked grin on her face.
“You’re a fiend,” I smirked, turning down the road that led to Brock’s cabin. “Holy shit…it’s beautiful!” I gasped, coming to a stop in front of the elegant log house. It was the first time I’d been back to see it since he started building it. It looked less like an outback cabin, like I’d expected, and more like a cottage from a fairy-tale.
The screen door opened and Brock stepped out, his large dog at his heels.
“I'd ask for a tour, but I don't like the way he's looking at you right now,” I joked, shaking my head. Brock was staring at Tessa like he wanted to do a thousand unmentionable things to her—and I'd already seen enough of Brock to last me a lifetime.
“See you tomorrow?” Tessa smirked. I smiled and nodded, then watched her walk up the pathway and into Brock’s arms. My heart clenched in my chest, but I kept my smile on as I waved and slowly turned around, heading back to the highway that led into town.
Braden
Regret. It wasn’t exactly a feeling I was accustomed to having. As the youngest child in a broken family, I’d always done whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to, without a single fuck about the consequences.
I was eleven when my good-for-nothing father died. I still remember that time like it was yesterday. I was always so afraid when he was alive. I was a tiny kid; I could barely eat because my stomach was always twisted with nerves. Being tiny gave me the advantage of hiding. I could easily disappear inside closets and underneath beds, and my drunk-as-shit father wouldn’t be able to find me.
I spent a lot of years hiding, and when he died…I became a completely different person. I felt like I could breathe for the first time ever. I developed an appetite for freedom.
My mom was always busy, always working. Before he died, after he died, that aspect of life never changed. Someone had to pay the bills, someone had to pay off the debt my father had accumulated between gambling, drinking, and spending money we didn’t have on shit he didn’t need—like more booze.
My older brother, Brock, was my keeper before our dad died, but afterwards, he left town to ride bulls in the rodeo. My older sister, Becky, was dealing with her own shit and that left me on my own. With no one around to keep me in line, I did whatever the fuck I wanted. I vandalized property, I got into fights, and I acted like a total nut job—after all, that was what everyone in town expected from me. Hell…it was all I expected from myself until she showed me that I was worth more.
Elle Thompson, with her long, flowing dark brown hair, those luminous doe-like eyes, and that creamy skin.
She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, and the whole town would agree. I’d crushed on her long and hard throughout middle school. For years, I vied for her attention, acting like a complete douchebag. I did all the crap I could think of. I pulled her hair just so I could touch it, I called her names just so I could hear her voice, and I fooled around with girls in front of her, just hoping she’d turn those brown eyes my way.
When I was seventeen, I finally clued in to the fact that none of that shit was going to fly with her. Most girls liked being treated like crap by me, but Elle wasn’t like most girls. That was the appeal with her. So, I asked her out. She said no, but I kept asking—and finally, she said yes.
At first, I thought I wanted her because she was hot. She was always beautiful, but puberty had graced her with curves and a rack that would drive any hormonal teenage boy mad with want. She drove me wild—God bless the person who invented the mini-skirt.
But I soon found that my desire for Elle ran deeper than flesh and bone. Her soul called to mine. She showed me how to open up, how to love and be loved. She showed me that I was worth something more than what people expected me to be.
And I thoroughly messed it up. Blame it on grief or on selfishness, but I broke her heart, and I let her walk away from me. I told myself it was only a matter of time, Elle would see sooner or later that I was going nowhere fast, and she’d make her break. I was just ripping the Band-Aid off quickly. I told myself I was protecting my heart from the inevitable.
After she left, I spent six months drinking myself stupid until my siblings gave me the cold hard slap of reality and told me I was on the exact path to follow in Dad’s footsteps. I’ll never forget the look on Becky’s face when she told me she couldn’t have me around her son anymore, that I was too much like him.
I spent three months in rehab and then enrolled in the mechanical engineering program at Algonquin College, five hours away from home. Three years later, I graduated top of my class and returned to Parry Sound, not only because I had nowhere else to go, but because I had to fix all the damage I’d caused to those I’d loved most.
Elle was never far from my mind. She, along with my family, were the reasons I got sober and went to college. I wanted to be a better man for her, a better brother for my siblings and a better uncle for my nephew. But I took too long, and for all I knew…she’d already moved on.
It was pointless to hold out hope, and yet I did. I hungered to see her again. I thirsted for her in a way I never thirsted for a drink, and I was a goddamn alcoholic. My addiction for Elle was thicker than my addiction to booze.
Moving back home meant that eventually, I would run into Elle, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my distance if that happened. It was all I could think about during the five hours it took me to drive from Ottawa. I told myself that if she was truly happy without me, I’d let her go, even if it killed me. But if there was a chance she still burned for me, I was all in, and I’d never take her for granted again.
“I missed you too, buddy,” I said, affectionately rubbing the top of his head. He peered up at me with big blue eyes, a gapped grin on his face. “Dude, what happened to your teeth? Did you get knocked out?”
“No!” Aiden giggled. “I lost them! I’m seven years old now, Uncle Braden. I’m getting my big teeth!” He puffed his chest out with importance.
“Oh, that’s right,” I smirked. “Guess that means you’ll have to start working soon.”
“Working?” Aiden repeated with a frown.
“Oh yeah, once all your baby teeth fall out, you have to get a job,” I replied seriously, dropping my duffle bag on the floor by the door.
“He’s kidding, Aiden. You still have at least nine more years before I’ll make you get a job,” my older sister, Becky, said as she approached. She gave me an amused smile before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me to her. “We weren’t expecting you for another week! I thought your graduation ceremony is on Monday?” she said as she pulled away to look at me.
“It is,” I responded, my eyes glancing around the room. It hadn’t really changed in the last four years. Things had been added to it, like the newer photos of a growing Aiden that covered the mantel. “They’ll mail me my diploma.”
“Didn’t they ask you to speak?” Becky frowned, her forehead creasing with confusion.
“I said no,” I shrugged, ruffling Aiden’s hair again. The kid had shot up in height since the last time I’d seen him.
I avoided meeting my sister’s eyes—I knew she wasn’t happy I’d bailed out on the valedictorian speech. Both of my older siblings seemed to have no qualms speaking in public, but I did. I sounded like an idiot who couldn’t string two words together.
“Well, congratulations regardless, Braden. We’re so proud of you!”
Rebel Heart: (Rebel Series Book 2) ((Rebel Series)) Page 2