The Lying Days

by Nadine Gordimer

  Past the Eau-de-Cologne presence of my mother, into the room, putting each patent shoe down from toe to heel, smiling, but my lips tucked together as if something might escape. A place made for me at the table, holding their handbags to their laps as they shifted: Here, see what it is I’ve got for you! Hullo! Was that the tartan my mother had been making up for me one day at the Compound Manager’s?—They would smile down at me, as if I were a surprise. And then when my father came home and walked into the bright close sitting room slapping his folded paper in his palm, they stirred and gave little cries, like busily feeding birds startled by a stone.

  “So late already!”

  “Look, it’s almost dark.”

  The afternoon was their own domain, but the evening belonged to the menfolk. None of them had anything to say to my father; the warm flow of their talk always dried up the instant he walked in. They wanted to pack themselves and the evidence of their close and personal preoccupations—the ridiculous dangle of baby booties, the embroidered crash bags holding tangled silks—out of his way. “A man wants his home to himself,” Mrs. Cluff often said.

  And then, before dinner, my mother’s feet different in her everyday shoes again; lying on the rug, I watched them and the long hard black legs of Anna (without the shine her brown face had—blacker with the cold of the yard, roughened with early mornings and biting nights) bare into shoes hollowed out by someone else’s fat ankles, passing and repassing as the table was laid for dinner.…

  It was this to which the road brought me back always; and it was from this that we set out, my mother and father and I, when we went into the town on Saturday mornings. Then we went by car, and my father parked in the main street outside the department store where dirty ragged little native boys said over and over, like small birds repeating one note, Look after your car, sah? Look after your car, sah? My father would lock the doors and try the handles and threaten: “No! Now get away. Get away from this car.” Once one boy had pushed another and said, “Don’t take him, sir, that boy’s no good,” and I had laughed but my father had tightened his nostrils and walked through the native children saying Hamba! Hamba! “Something should be done about it,” he often said, “little loafers and thieves, they should chase them off the streets.”

  Wherever we went to shop in the town we were known, and when my mother bought anything she would simply say, “G. P. Shaw, Atherton”—and that would be enough. The charge slip would go shooting away up the wire in its little brass cage to the office perched above. If by any chance—there might be a new shop assistant—we were asked to give an address, my mother would raise her eyebrows and say in a high, amused voice, lifting the corner of her mouth a little, “Mrs. G. P. Shaw, 138 Staff Officials’ Quarters, Atherton Proprietary Mines Limited—but really, Atherton’s all that anyone ever wants.”

  The little town with its one busy street was alive with the mines on a Saturday. The Mine people came from Atherton, Atherton Deep, Platfontein, New Postma, Basilton Levels and the new mines opening up, but not yet in production, to the east of the town. In the three barbershops behind curtained doorways scissors chattered ceaselessly and the crossed feet of waiting men showed tilted up before newspapers in the outer shop. The bright windows held hundreds of small objects, from razor blades and pipe cleaners to watches and brooches, and the smell of sweet violet oil came warmly out to the pavement. I dragged slowly past, afraid to peep in (barbershops were mysterious as bars, and as unapproachable) but wondering if my father were there. I never found him; but later when we met him at the car his neck would be pink and there would be tiny short sharp fragments of hair dusted into the rim of his ear.

  There were two big grocers in Atherton, but Mine people didn’t go to Golden Supply Stores but to Bond and Son. It took at least half an hour to give an order at Bond’s because there Mine women met not only their neighbors from their own property, and women from other properties, but also the surprise of women who had been transferred to some other mine on another part of the chain of gold mines called the Reef, and transferred back again just as unexpectedly. Then Mr. Bond, a short, thick-faced man with many opinions, had known my mother for many years. He liked to lean across the counter on one ham-shaped forearm and, with his eyes darting round the shop as if he didn’t want anyone else to guess at what he could possibly be saying, tell her how if it wasn’t his bread and butter, he could talk, all right. Cocktail cabinets and radiograms and running up big bills for the food they ate. “I could mention some names,” he’d say. “I know. I know.” My mother would smile, in a soft voice, pulling her mouth in. “Only if you’re in business you dare not talk. Smile and say nothing.” “Smile and say nothing,” the grocer took up as if it had been just what he was looking for, “that’s it all right. Smile and say nothing. But how people can live like that beats me. …” “How they can put their heads on the pillow at night. …” My mother shook her head. “But it just depends on how you were brought up, Mr. Bond. I couldn’t do it if you paid me. …”

  If Mr. Bond was already serving, it would be Mr. Cronje, the tall thin Afrikaans assistant, who spoke a very careful and peculiar English and had a duodenal ulcer. Before she started to give her order my mother would ask how he was. He would take his pencil from behind his big sad ear and put it back again and say, “Ag, still alive, you know, Mrs. Shaw, still alive.” And then looking down the long flat expanse of his white apron he would tell her about the attack he had on Sunday night, or the new diet of kaffir beer or sour milk which his wife’s sister had recommended. And my mother would say, “You must take care of yourself, you must look after yourself.” He would sigh and his false teeth would move loosely in his wide mouth. “But you know how it is, if you not you own boss.…”

  While my mother was absorbed at the counter in one way or another, I wandered off round the shop. Near the door there was a sloping glass showcase displaying varieties of biscuits and in the middle of the shop was a pillar with mirrors all round. The oilcloth round the base was stained and often splattered because all the dogs that were brought into the store strained at their leads to get to it. Occasionally a stray ranged in from the street, wavering bewilderedly round the shop and then sniffing up to the pillar; then one of the assistants would rush out flapping his apron and shout, “Voetsak!” and the startled creature would flatten itself out into the street. At Christmas and Easter there were big packing cases piled up open on the floor at the far end of the shop, filled with boxes of elaborate crackers, or fancy chocolate eggs packed in silver paper and straw, and there was always the “wedding present” showcase, all the year round, with flowery tea sets and Dickens character jugs and cut-crystal violet vases that were to be seen again behind glass in every sitting-room china cabinet on the Mine. Sometimes there were other children whom I knew, waiting for their mothers. Together we stood with our hands and breath pressed against the glass, playing a game that was a child’s earnest and possessive form of window-shopping. “I dabby the pink tea set and the balloon lady and the two dogs. … And the gold dish” was added in triumph, “And I dabby the gold dish!” “No you can’t—I dabbied it first, I said the gold dish the first time!”

  Then quite suddenly there was the waiting face at the door, the hand stretched impatiently. “Come on. Come, Helen, I’ve got a lot to do, you know.”

  Out in the street little boys as old as I was or younger were selling the local paper, which was published every Saturday morning. They were Afrikaans children mostly, with flat businesslike faces, dull brownish, and cropped brownish hair. Their small dry dirty fingers fumbled the pennies seriously; sometimes you gave them a tickey for the tup-penny paper, and the penny was theirs.

  The barefoot boys were soft-footed everywhere, at the market, the railway station, the street corners, outside the bars. And the yellowish paper with its coarse blotting-paper surface on which the black print blurred slightly was rolled up under elbows; stuck out of pockets and baskets; blew at the foot of babies’ prams. My mother would o
pen it in the car, going home, and pass on the news while my father avoided the zigzag of native errand boys, shouting to one another as they rode, and the children waiting bent forward on tiptoe at the curb, ready to run across like startled rabbits at the wrong moment. The Social and Personal columns had the widest possible application and filled two whole pages. Twice I had been mentioned: Congratulations to Helen Shaw, who has passed her Junior Pianoforte examination with 78 marks, and dainty little Helen, daughter of Mrs. G. P. Shaw, who made a charming Alice in Wonderland, and won the Mayoress’s special prize for the best character costume. Each mine had a column to itself, and often “Atherton Mine Notes,” written in a highly playful style by “our special correspondent”—an unidentified but suspected member of the Mine community—mentioned popular or hard-working Mrs. Shaw, wife of our Assistant Secretary. My father’s name was usually in the tennis fixtures for the week, too. I liked to read down the list of names and say out loud my father’s, just as if it were anyone else’s.

  Our life was punctuated by the Mine hooter.

  It blew at seven in the morning and at noon and at half-past four in the afternoon. The people in the town set their watches by it; the people on the Mine needn’t look at their watches because of it. At midnight on New Year’s Eve its low, cavernous bellow (there was a lonely, stately creature there, echoing its hollow cry down the deep cave beneath the shaft, all along the dark airless passages hollowed out beneath the crust of the town) announced the New Year. Sometimes it lifted its voice at some unaccustomed odd hour of an ordinary day, and people in the town paused a moment and said: “There must’ve been an accident underground.” To women on the Mine it came like the cry of a beast in distress, and it would be something to ask their men when they came home at lunchtime.

  For there were very seldom any serious accidents, and few of those that did happen involved white men. Natives were sometimes trapped by a fall of rock from a hanging, and had to be dug out, dead or alive, while the hooter wailed disaster. When a white man was killed, the papers recorded the tragedy, giving his name and occupation and details of the family he left. If no white man was affected, there was an item headed: “FATAL FALL OF HANGING. There was a fall of hanging at the East Shaft of Basilton Levels, East Rand, at 2 P.M. yesterday. Two natives were killed, and three others escaped with minor injuries.”

  My father was Assistant Secretary and so never touched the real working life of the Mine that went on underground the way the real life of the body and brain goes on under the surface of flesh. He went down the shaft into the Mine perhaps once or twice a year, part of an official party conducting visitors from the Group—the corporation of mining companies to which the Mine belonged.

  The “underground” people we knew—shift bosses and Mine captains and surveyors—had one advantage over us. They were very much luckier with garden boys than my father was. All had their own teams of boys working for them underground; they could detail one, often two or three, to spend a day working in the gardens of their homes. My father had more difficulty. The clerks and errand boys at the office could speak English and write, and were rarely willing to spend their Saturday afternoon off working in our garden, even for money. And they did not belong, the way the Mine boys belonged to their white bosses underground, to my father. He could not send them off to dig a sweet-pea trench or clip a hedge, any more than he could give them a hiding now and then to keep them in order. The underground people found that an occasional good crack, as they put it, knocked any nonsense out of the boys and kept them attentive and respectful, without any malice on either side.

  But there was one old boy who had started work as a messenger in the secretary’s office when my father had started there as a junior clerk; now my father was Assistant Secretary and old Paul was still a messenger, and he came still, as he had done since my parents had married, to work in our garden two Saturdays a month.

  He was one of the old kind, my mother said. A good old thing. Here you are Paul, she’d say, taking him out a big dish of tea and some meat between thick bread. And she’d stand with one hand on her hip and the other shading her eyes, talking to him from the lawn. They talked about bringing up children, and how Paul managed. He had two sons at school in the Northern Transvaal; it was hard, and they did not always know that what their father and mother did for them was best. They wanted to come home to their mother in the Location. But what was the use of that?—That was the beginning of loafers and no-goods, she agreed. If they want to get on nice—Paul’s hand round the bowl of strong tea trembled after the unaccustomed labor of the spade, his small pointed beard held neatly away from the liquid—they must finish Standard Six.—Yes, I know, Paul, but children always think they know better. They must have what they want, and nothing you do is right for them. My wife—he fitted the cold meat carefully between the bread—my wife she say let them come, I mus’ see my children while they still small. It’s no good they should be away and their mother doesn’t know them.—I know, I know, Paul, it’s the same with the master and Miss Helen. I say that the child must do this, because it is good for her, he says let her do that. …

  “You’ve been talking to Paul again!” I would taunt. It amused me to see my mother talking to the old gardener just as if he were a friend. Yet there was a touch of scorn in my gibe; other women gave orders to their gardeners, why should my mother talk to hers? “—Honestly, he’s a lot more sensible than a lot of white people,” she would say to my father, as an admittance and a challenge.

  Yet I was fond of Paul. I gave him all my discarded games and books for his children, and even my old fairy bicycle, a parting that drew a little string tight inside me, although I did not ride the bicycle any more. He greeted me always as if he were welcoming me back from long absence; a lingering kind of salute, a big smile watching after me as I passed. He fixed things for me, too. And drilled a tiny hole in the shell of a tortoise which, miraculously, he had dug up where it had been hibernating in the dahlia bed, so that I could attach it by a long string to a stake in the lawn. The unexpected discovery of the tortoise was a tremendous excitement, but the pleasure of keeping it as a pet somehow failed to realize. (I had never been back to buy the gold and brown mosaic shell through which I would look at the sun; it had disappeared beneath the overlap of too many impressions of that afternoon, the feeling that something had happened that I didn’t know how to think about.) Now this bitter-mouthed, old-eyed, cold-eyed head and these four dry cold legs feeling slowly out of the shell made me hesitate—froze the impulse of the heart. The fact of the creature, living inside, spoiled the tortoise, domed, gold and brown.

  One morning after rain only one neat little segment, the one with the hole in it, lay attached like a label to the long string on the lawn. The tortoise was gone. No one could convince me that it must not have been like pulling one’s nail out by the roots. I kept trying it, secretly, with my thumbnail, and deep guilt humiliated inside me. I felt that the tortoise was someone I had not got to know until too late; now its reproachful face looked out at me from nowhere in the garden.

  Chapter 3

  On a Sunday morning when I was eleven the hooter went quite suddenly just before breakfast. It seemed to suck in the quiet leisure of early Sunday and blow it out again in alarm.

  “Well, what on earth—” My mother’s eyebrows raised in amused indignation. Sunday was the only day she wasn’t dressed and busy long before breakfast, and she came in in her dressing gown, looking inquiringly at my father. “Somebody’s idea of a joke,” he said. He was fixing the plug of the toaster for her. There couldn’t be an accident; most unlikely, anyway, because there was no blasting underground on a Sunday, only the pumps kept going. “Somebody at the time office had too much party last night!” My father made a knowing sound.

  I went out into the fresh garden. “You mustn’t go down near the Compound Manager’s,” chorused two little Dufalettes, clinging to the fence and peering through the hedge on their side.

  “Why not!�
�� They were silly little things; when nobody at home would listen to them, they would call over the fence.

  “My daddy says so. My daddy says nobody must go to the Compound Manager’s, and Raymond was going but now he’s not.”

  Raymond came bounding round the corner of their house doing something with a cotton reel and an elastic band. “Man, there’s a whole lota niggers round Ockerts’, all over the garden and in the street and everywhere. Just a lot of munts from the Compound. I was going, but, ag, I don’t want to. My dad’s up there.—Look, haven’t you or your mom got some ole cotton reels you don’t want. I’m’na make a whole army of these tanks out of them, I’m’na have hundreds and hundreds, you’ll see them covering the whole lawn.”

  “All right. I’ll ask.” I ran round and in the kitchen door. “There’s a whole crowd of Compound boys in Ockerts’ garden.”

  “Who said so?”

  “Raymond just told me.”

  “Mind you!” My mother stood there lighting upon it. “I thought there was something different this morning—there were no drums! I lay in bed wondering what was different.” Every Sunday morning the Mine, and fainter, more distantly, the town, woke to the gentle, steady beat of drums from the Compound: the boys held war dances, decked in checked dishcloths and feathers from domestic dusters now instead of the skins of beasts and war paint, passing time and getting rid of virility the Mine couldn’t utilize instead of gathering passion for battle; stamping the dust of a piece of veld provided by the Mine instead of their tribal earth. But this morning there were no drums. Only, now that we listened, expecting something, a distant flare of the human voice; there; then blown the other way by the wind.

  My father and I went out into the garden to listen. Then out the gate and along the road which the pines held in deep cool dewy shadow. Mr. Bellingan joined us, raising his hand from his veranda. As we got nearer to the Compound Manager’s house, the faint blare grew and separated into the clamor of many voices, high and low, shrill and deep. Now and then, the piercing trill of a whistle shrieked some assertion of its own.