by Karla Lopez
"Why the fuck would you even bring that up?"
"Because as much as you hate to remember those things, I was the one who saw you go through that, so burying it won't hide the fact that you actually did go through it. I want to know that this girl will have your back in case you fall again because shit, what I saw you go through weighs on me every day. No one should ever witness their best friend almost die. So yeah, I'm going to be hard on her until I can figure out her intentions."
Liam gives me one final glare before heading out the door again. It pains me that he still feels guilty or more than just pain from the memories of what happened to me. I wish I can erase them from his mind because I’m the one who put them there.
Every fiber of my being feels guilty for what I put him through. I know he has a point about Emma, but I know her better than anyone else and I know she needs me as much as I need her. Whether that's healthy or not we are each other's rock.
Austin
THE CRIPS BITTER AIR hits my face as I run across the trail. I need to release some steam from this holiday disaster and running makes me feel better. I’m itching to fight. I want to hurt someone. I want to feel physical pain to distract myself, but the amount of stress I’m feeling will not allow me to do just one fight and I know I will end up craving more. I need to find a time where I’m not going to see Emma for a while because I don't need her asking questions and I don’t plan on telling her.
She’s still giving me the cold shoulder due to our fight a couple of days ago. I know I need to fix it, but it’s hard making Emma understand why I don't want Kyle a part of her life without actually telling her. And the fact that she’s stubborn, and I will need a good reason why she should stay away. I haven't come up with that yet, so that's why she’s still being distant. In a way I’m relieved that she is because that means I don't have to deal with the mess that is our relationship.
I know it's my fault that our relationship feels messy. I'm the one keeping secrets, not Emma. She's been an open book because she trusts me and it's not that I don't trust her, I just don't want her to know what I used to be. The man I used to be I'm not proud of and I'm still a working progress. Covering up the truth is becoming a lot harder than I expected. I need to find a way to make it up to Emma without her asking any more questions.
After my run I head back to my father's house. He mentioned he wants me to come by. This is what he does. He kicks me out for a few days then asks me to come back. To be his puppet on strings and the only reason I do it is for my mom and my sisters. I know if I never go back, my father will find ways for me not to see the girls.
I walk into his office without knocking because I like to irritate him as much as I can, but I instantly regret it when I see my father shouting at Katelyn while she's crying. My blood is already boiling, and I know I'm going to lose it. I meet my father's dead eyes and I give him a hard stare trying to calm down before I hurt him for whatever reason Katelyn is crying. Katelyn lifts her head and her bloodshot eyes meet mine and she runs to me.
She slams her small body against mine and her hold is firm and tight, that only makes it worse because I'm about to fuck up my father. Katelyn continues to sob into my chest and as calmly as I can I ask, "Why are you crying?" Her answer is a mire shake of her head and it just brings memories to the surface that I thought I buried a long time ago.
Through gritted teeth, I look towards my father, "Why the fuck is she crying?" My voice sounds sure and firm, the quite opposite of what I'm feeling inside. My stomach twist and fear starts to seep into my anger. It's too much. My father looks at me nonchalantly, "She can tell you. Right Katelyn? On how you were out being a whore."
"What the hell?" I look down at Katelyn and she cries harder. I hold her against me and take her out of my father's study. She runs upstairs.
I walk back into my father's study, "Why did you just call her that?"
"Well I don't owe you no fucking explanation, but I caught her opening her legs for a low life from the other side of the tracks." I grimace at the choice of words he uses. My father has always been rather vulgar when he wants to come across stern. I just shake my head at him in response because there's no way that I out of all people can knock some sense into him.
"Why did you want me to come?"
"Amy told me to allow you to come back, so that's what I'm doing. Looks like the girls need you here, but I don't know Shane. I'm getting fucking tired of your attitude, your mouth, your being." I ball my hands into a fist. I need to get out of here, but not before I strike back.
"I too am getting fucking" —leaving the emphasis on the word he used— "tired of you being my father." I turn towards the exit, but not before stopping at the doorframe and saying the last words, "But looks like I'm stuck with you."
Dick.
I make my way upstairs to check on Katelyn. I knock on her door and her voice comes through the door, "Please leave me alone."
Her voice sounds so strained and my chest aches.
"It's me Kate." There’s silence for a while before she opens the door. She walks back to her bed leaving it ajar as an invitation to come in. I walk over to her bed and sit next to her, her face puffy and red. "Kate, what happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I understand that, but I can't just leave without knowing why you were crying like that. And why our father decided to use that word with you?"
"Dad wasn't supposed to be home." She whispers. Oh fuck, I think I know where this is heading.
"What were you doing?" Wait. No, I don't want to know, but I can't really take the words back.
She hesitates before answering me avoiding eye contact, "Michael was over." I take a minute to process who the fuck Michael is and what they were doing. My father could have exaggerated by just finding them making out or something. I wish there was a way of her telling me without actually telling me.
"Who's Michael again?"
"He's from Manny's."
"Wait, the nineteen-year-old kid with tattoos that rides a bike, who's a mechanic?" Fuck I love that kid. He also works at the gym where I like to fight, which I will have to talk to him to not mention it to Katelyn. I understand now why my father was yelling at her. God forbid that one of his children gets together with a "low life" meaning someone without money.
Judgmental bastard.
Her cheeks are red from crying, but also from talking about the kid. "Yes. We've actually have been dating for a year."
My jaw falls open, "You have been dating someone for a year and you haven't told me?"
"Well when we started dating, I was fifteen and he was eighteen."
"Ahh, I see now. Well, we already know why he reacted like that. You know how our father is."
"Well, he caught us in the middle of doing things." Okay fuck, this is not what I want to hear. I like to pretend my sister doesn't know about sex and never will even though I'm being delusional with that one.
That makes me think of Emma and the way she craves sex just as much as I do and she's a virgin who hasn't even experienced it. My sister can be the same way. Fuck, I'm done thinking about this, but I have an obligation to hear Katelyn out because I know she has no one to talk to. Amy herself can be a bit conservative and I doubt she's given Kate "the talk," but what the fuck am I supposed to tell her? I'm a fucking dude.
"Kate, are you being safe?"
"Well, we haven't gone all the way."
"That's good to know too considering you're a minor." She gives me a pointed look before I continue, "Listen, Kate, it's okay to want to have sex, it's natural. But make sure you're ready. Have the proper precautions such as condoms and birth control. And if I were you, I'd be careful or don't have sex till you're eighteen because you are a minor. And our father is a lawyer and the kid your dating isn't one he's a fan of, so just think about what he can do to him."
She's quiet for a while before she speaks, "Thank you Austin. No one ever takes the time with me." My chest tightens at her soft voice. I n
ever want any of my siblings to feel this way, the way I did. It's a dark place, a hole where it's cold and lonely. So lonely.
∞∞∞
After my morning run, I decide to head to Emma's school to pick her up. I know her car is in the shop and I’ve been offering to take her to school for a week now, but she's still mad from what happened with Liam. She's been giving me the cold shoulder and only answering my texts hours later. She won't let me take her to school, saying Lauren will take her, and I haven't seen her in a few weeks. She's so frustrating and I get why she's mad, which only makes me madder at her.
I turn into Colorado State University and head to the student parking lot which is filled with cars. There's a ton of people making their way through the parking lot to try and locate their cars. I send Emma a text telling her that I'm outside and what parking lot I'm parked in. After a good fifteen minute of waiting, I can see Emma making her way over to me. She's with Lauren, but after they get closer Lauren waves goodbye to me and I shoot her a smile. I like Lauren and how genuine her friendship is with Emma.
As soon as Lauren disappears, Emma frowns towards me before getting inside the car. She's making it known that she's not okay that I came here for her out of the blue. She wastes no time in questioning as soon as the car door closes. "What are you doing here?"
I smile at her because it's nice to be in her presence. "Hi to you too."
"Austin, I'm serious. You can't just show up and not even ask. What if I had plans?"
"Do you have plans?"
She lets out a frustrated sigh, "That's totally not my point."
"Well, isn't this what chicks like...being surprised? Some may call me romantic."
"Some may call you an ass."
"Oh, come on baby. Stop being mad."
She rolls her eyes at my use of 'baby'. Emma is not like any girl. She doesn't have a soft bone in her body when she's mad, but when she's hurt, she suffers.
"What did you even pick me up for? I have to work today." She states so casually like she's not trying to figure out what my plans are.
"Well, I need you to stop being mad."
"I'm not mad.”
"You have been distant for a few weeks, so I need you to stop."
"Stop ordering me around."
I roll my eyes because I'm not trying to order her around. I just don't want her asking any questions. "Fine, don't stop being distant."
"Austin." She says firmly.
I ignore her and begin to drive towards my favorite spot in the outskirts of the city that has such a beautiful view. It's chilly outside, but I have a blanket in my trunk. I don't continue talking to her. She's just going to have to get over it sooner or later, and I prefer sooner. I reach over and slip my hand into hers and it fits perfectly like her hand was shaped just for mine. It's crazy to think that at one time in my life I didn't want this. I didn't want this feeling that's so warm and gifting. No one tells you how beautiful it feels, but they also don't tell you about the overwhelming feelings. You never know what card you're getting dealt and for Emma, she has no idea the translucent cards I'm giving her.
I place our joined hands on my lap and rub circles on her warm skin. I can feel her gaze on me. I know she's trying to figure out if it's worth to be mad at me or not. I'm guessing she decides the latter because she leans her head on my arm and shoulder, relief rushing through me. Losing Emma will hurt a lot, but I don't know if it will hurt more than her actually knowing the truth. I sometimes wish I had never met her. I wouldn't be in this position. I meet her gaze and her smile is warm. Less heated than it was a few moments ago. I mirror her smile. "My dad and I talked," She suddenly says out of nowhere.
"And how did that go?"
"Horrible." She whispers. I squeeze her hand tight as a silent encouragement before she continues, "I'm not being a brat that doesn't want my dad with someone else. I actually like the idea of my dad not being so lonely, but she's another person I'll have to get used to. She's another human that I have to keep my distance from because I don't want to get attached. Also, the pain that comes from my dad lying to me. He treats me like a fragile object that has to be treated with care. I'm not going to break. I just hate being lied to."
My chest tightens because of her last statement. I am lying to her. I'm omitting the truth and in a way that's the same as lying. Before I can get a word in, she continues, "When my mom died, she died suddenly. My parents lied to me. They never told me she was dying. I was nine, so I understood that something was wrong. Why didn't mom get out of bed? That's what I would ask myself, but no one would tell me the truth. The cancer ate at my mom for a whole year, the lies they filled me with. I had hope that one-day mom would wake up and get out of bed and everything would be fine, but it wasn't like that at all."
Her voice becomes shaky as I look over at her, tears falling down her face. It hurts me, but I try to not reach over and clean her face.
I know the way Emma is and I'm not sure how she'll react. We drive out of the city in silence, I know she needs space and that's what I'm giving her. After driving for about half an hour I ask her, "What do you want to eat?" I don't ask her if she's hungry. I know she'll say she's not hungry because she's sad right now, but food is the best comfort at times.
"You choose, I don't know." I roll my eyes at her, typical that she never knows what she wants to eat. I keep driving till I find a pizza hut.
I force her to get out with me.
When we make our way to the register, I order the pizza and pay for it. While ordering it Emma leaves my side without a word. I wonder off to find her and spot her at a booth looking out the window. Her face is puffy and red, and I have this incredible urge to take her pain away. I wish it worked like that, that you could just take someone's pain. Maybe Emma wouldn't be so scared all the time, but mostly lonely.
Emma
After grabbing our pizza, we make our way back to his car. We're going to go eat at some favorite spot of Austin's. I can use the distraction, my whole-body aches of sadness. I wish I could disappear making all of the pain go away. I hate the way I'm consumed with pain. It feels like too much to handle sometimes, but it's nice being here with Austin.
As much as I don't know what it is that causes Austin's pain, I know he's gone through a lot. You know when someone has struggled in life, I just wished I knew how deep. I wish I knew his pain the way he knows mine. We continue to sit in comfortable silence when we finally round off the main road onto a dirt road that leads to an open space where a cliff lies at the end. He parks his car closer to the edge and I feel lighter just seeing the view of the city.
It’s an overwhelming feeling, even though most of the trees are losing most of their leaf's because it’s mid-December it still gives a beautiful overlook of the city. The rain has stopped and now the sky is dark and grey, but I like it this way. It's like mother nature knows the storm brewing in my heart and she matches the weather. It’s sad, cold, and somewhat lifeless. But when I turn my gaze to Austin who is already staring at me, part of my heart fills with warmth and I feel alive. I smile at him with warmth. He reaches over and cups my cheek, just caressing it. I feel his warmth radiate from his skin.
I kiss the inside of his hand and I’m craving something I never have before.
A kiss.
I have never wanted to kiss anyone, not even Austin. I don't want what comes with the consequences of kissing someone. But now every time he looks at me with his deep blue ocean eyes, I see myself drowning in its depths. I crave his lips on mine. I wonder what it will feel like to be kissed by him and how I will react afterwards. Will the emotions eat me alive or feed my heart what it needs? He leans in and I begin to get nervous, but not the same nervousness I felt before when he tried at the bonfire. These are butterflies in my stomach, and I feel my cheeks flush with warmth and color.
I keep my eyes lost in his blues, but then he stops very close to my face. He doesn't kiss me instead he breathes out my name. He continues to stare at me without saying anyth
ing until he opens his mouth to ask, "What's your favorite song?"
I pull my brows together in a thoughtful way and tilt my head to the side and answer, "That's random, but I’d say it has to be Paradise by Coldplay." He gives me a huge grin before grabbing his phone and playing my favorite song. My smile becomes bigger and bigger the more I listen to the song.
"Why is it your favorite?"
I reach over to give him an Eskimo kiss and answer, "Because in a perfect world I would be paradise, and someone would be mine. No matter how much pain we've endured we would survive because we have each other. So, it's my favorite song because it's a paradise in a perfect world."
He watches me thoughtfully and reaches over to tug my hair and put his forehead against mine. I love when he does that, it’s our way of kissing. This type of kissing I need more than the one I’m craving. He looks into my eyes. His blues meeting my honey ones he says, "You're my paradise. Fuck, you're my perfect world." I look at him under my eyelashes as I feel heat run through me. I feel my heartbeat ring in my ears and my heart swoon at his words. Even my brain has no objection. It’s clouded.
I look into his sincere stare and man, I could love him, but I don't want to.
I lean into him, my mouth against his ear as I breathe out, "In a perfect world you're mine. All mine." He wraps his forearm against my neck causing my face to face plant into him, but it’s welcomed. I inhale his husky wooden scent from his cologne and breathe him in. He isn't ever going to be mine because I don't think he will ever give himself fully to me. And maybe I'll be too afraid to give myself fully to him. Broken people shouldn't be together. There's too much of a mess to pick up each other's pieces, one is bound to get cut by the other persons pieces.
I pull away from him and ask, "What's your favorite song?" He leans back into his seat laying his head against the headrest and stares out through the windshield. His whole demeanor changes as if I asked one of those questions he never answers, but I’m hoping that he will tell me. I have some hope. What can be so bad about a song?