Illusion (Illusion Series Book 1)

by Karla Lopez

  "Yes."

  "Writer?" My dad questions.

  I take a seat before anyone else and I answer, "Yes, he's an author."

  "Yes, I love your work." Holly fangirls toward Austin. I honestly don't know how good of a writer Austin is because I still haven’t read one of his books. I’m still mad he didn’t tell me he’s a writer in the first place, but I hope to read them one day.

  "Emma never mentioned it," My dad says with amazement.

  "Yeah, sorry." I feel so uncomfortable.

  "No yeah, it's cool. It isn't that big of a deal." Yet it is to him, but I haven’t been in the right mindset lately.

  We order our food and drinks, which was so difficult because I couldn't understand most of the language therefore, I chose blindly. When the food comes out it looks good despite not knowing what it is.

  "So, Emma what is it that you’re studying?" Holly asks sincerely. Small talk, I hate it.

  "I want to be a teacher." I answer quietly.

  "That's awesome how interesting." Her interest doesn't seem fake. She just seems too happy.

  "Yeah, awesome." My dad gives me a pointed look at my sarcastic comment.

  I shift uncomfortably just wanting to escape. I can't wait any longer. I feel like I might die sitting here and I’m not being dramatic. It feels overwhelming enough to give me a heart attack. I look over at Austin who is staring at me and I grin at him. I love catching him stare at me, but our moment is cut short when Holly asks, "So, how long have you guys been dating?"

  Austin answers her because I feel like I can't communicate with her any longer than I already have. "Uh, a few months."

  "Oh, wow you guys look so in love." I sigh loudly and Austin's warm hand touches my skin under my dress on my thigh for comfort.

  I can't contain it for much longer and I just have to get this over with, "Dad why did you want me to come? Just say what you have to say so that we can leave."

  "Emma," He exclaims sternly, but at this point I can care less.

  "Well?" I ask ignoring him. Austin squeezes my thigh in warning, and that’s only irritating me too. Though I know it isn't his fault.

  "We have some news."

  "Same old, same old."

  "Emma, please stop." My dad's pleading voice tugs at my heart causing me to not say another word to stop myself from hurting him, even though he clearly doesn't care how I feel towards this.

  "We're getting married and Holly's pregnant."

  I pause and hold my breath, my eyes meet my dad’s pleading ones, but I stand abruptly and walk out. That's all I can do. I’m done being tugged from one side to the other. I’m always the last to know anything. I’m always the one being lied too. I’m the fragile one and frankly, I’m tired of it. My chest aches and I just want to cry my heart away and drown in my tears, but I don't. I bite my lip and try to keep the lump in my throat at bay. I hear the restaurant door shut behind me and instantly know it’s Austin. I can feel him. It’s all too familiar. He comes to save me every time I need saving from my own pain. I turn towards him and his gaze meets my sad one and he pulls me by my neck into his chest. I silently cry for a few minutes, but I stop myself I don't want to cry anymore. I’m tired of crying so much.

  I never use to cry at all and now I'm doing it all the time.

  "Please take me home with you."

  He pulls my head back so he can look at me. I’m pretty sure I look a mess with my makeup all over the place.

  "Baby, I can't take you to my dad's house, but we can rent a hotel room."

  "Please."

  When we go to the very nice and expensive hotel suite that Austin got for us, I strip all my clothes off only leaving myself in my underwear. I go into the bathroom and wash off all my makeup. Austin hasn't said a word since we left the restaurant and I know he's giving me space. That's what he does.

  When I come out of the bathroom, he's already in bed laying half naked, with only his briefs left on. I make my way to him and slip into bed with him. He pulls me into his chest with his hand on my stomach. His hard forearm is soft on my skin. He lays his head against my shoulder and kisses it before his breathing evens out. Even though my heart is brewing up a storm that I can't escape, I’m home.

  Austin's arms are too familiar now, and I know that this comfort I’m always running to is now my safe haven.

  ∞∞∞

  I wake up to a heavy arm holding me down on my stomach and for a moment I forget that I'm in bed with Austin and I wake him up when I jerk him away. The sun seeping through the window blinds me and my eyes burn for a moment. Austin stirs beside me and pulls me by my waist back into his chest. "It's too early for you to be up and about."

  "It seven am."

  "Exactly, you're crazy woman if you think we're getting out of bed."

  "What if I need to pee?"

  "Do you need to pee?" He opens one eye to peek at me.

  "Well, no."

  "Then, stop talking."

  I flip to my side so that I'm facing him, and I just stare at him. Once I wake, I can't go back to sleep and he's just going to have to deal with it. While he pretends to be sleeping, clearly hoping I'll fall for it and go back to sleep, I take in his features. He's quite the beautiful human. His face is soft, and his thick long lashes sit on top of his cheeks. His jawline is firm and defined and it's so sexy to look at. My gaze lands on his cheek where his dimple is located when he smiles. I want to see it. I reach over and begin kissing his chest.

  Sliding my tongue from his chest to his throat as my hips grind into his morning erection. I will tease him enough to get him out of bed. I just want him to pay attention to me, so that's my only reason for waking him up. He tightens his grip around me to stop my movements. I stop licking him and skim my lips against his. I place my forehead on his and just wait.

  After a few seconds, he opens his eyes and they land on mine and he grins so hard.

  There's my dimple. Yes, it's mine. I'm having an affair with that dimple.

  "Kiss me," I whisper to him. He leans in and captures my lips and I feel recharged. He makes me feel brand-new. We begin kissing more intensely and, in my mind, all I can think of is how quickly I got him to wake up and I smirk inwardly.

  We continue kissing lost in each other that we don't even notice our morning breath. We're both half-naked, so half our naked skin rubs against each other and it's filled with pure bliss. Soon his fingers make it between my legs, and I lose my underwear, he makes me come for him and soon after he does the same for me.

  We shower together and it's one of my favorite things to do with him because of how we talk about things that don't have much meaning but mean the most. We don't mention any heavy stuff; this is our sanctuary. We hide here. We end up talking about his upcoming book release and his whole face beams. You can tell by the way his lips move and his eyes sparkle when he's talking about it that he loves what he does.

  "What is your book about?"

  "It's about a man who spent his whole life since a teen doing drugs and he goes through the journey of finding himself after the drugs. What comes next when you have no family, friends, job, or support system because of the drugs. Where do you go? How do you find yourself or do you go back to the one thing that has never let you down and will be there when you're all alone?"

  I watch him under my lashes listening to him talk about his story, it fills me with curiosity. It's amazing to see him envelop his spirit in his story and all I can do is watch him through curious eyes and a small grin plays on my lips. He amazes me and I want to look like that when talking about something I love. "Wow, I want to read it." His smile reflects warmth and appreciation. He leans into me to kiss me and I feel dizzy with so much dopamine in my brain I might just faint.

  We make it out of the shower and while we're changing one of our phone rings. I look up to them both on the nightstand expecting it to be my dad, but it's Austin’s. I read the name across the screen, Mia. I frown at his phone and he flips his phone over and his shoulde
rs are stiff in front of me. Who is Mia? And why didn't he answer?

  I wait for him to turn and explain who it is, but he doesn't. He finishes getting ready with his back towards me in silence. He actually doesn't say another word to me till we are outside my house. I don't say nor ask anything because I don't know what to say about his reaction. My brain just constantly reminds me how there's still a lot I don't know about Austin and I'm running with a blindfold.

  I wait to see if he's going to say something but instead tugs a piece of my hair like he always does. I feel like he does it without a thought. I turn towards him, but he's not looking at me, he's staring behind my shoulder. He tugs one more time and leans over to place his forehead against mine, "Bye my brains." He kisses my forehead before I get off and make it inside my house.

  Once I close the door all I can think of is how weird everything that just happened was. I don't understand why he hides or who he's hiding from. Whose Mia and why did he use Kyle's nickname on me? I don't think him and Kyle share stories of me, so that was random. Do people just think it's cute to call me brains because I actually use mine, but yet I don't when it comes to Austin. With him, I use stupid, yeah that's what I use to call my heart because it's clearly delusional making all these accusations. My thoughts are interpreted by my dad's voice, "Where have you been Emma Taylor Foster?"

  "Where do you think?"

  "Emma, don't test me."

  I sigh, "With Austin."

  "Clearly, but where?"

  "We stayed at a hotel room."

  He shakes his head in a disapproving way, I've never seen my dad use it towards me. It makes me sick, but I should be using it on him. "Emma, I like the kid, but you can't keep running to him."

  "And where would you like for me to run to? You—" I snort— "Yeah because you've proven to be someone I can count on."

  "Emma I'm trying my best here."

  "Really Dad?" I raise my voice accusingly because he's starting to piss me off. "If you were really trying you would have told me about her two years ago, oh I don't know when you started dating. I would have handled it because apart from what you and the rest of the people in this house think, I am not fragile. And the only reason you told me was because she's pregnant and that's why you're marrying her too. Because I remember the promise you made to mom on your knees the night she died.”

  "You said you would never marry another woman because that was the only thing no one could erase from her being my mother and being your wife. Either you're a liar or you're lying to yourself and marrying this woman because you got her pregnant. Never once have you asked me how I feel about any of this, you're just dumping it on me."

  "Emma," His voice comes out strain and it breaks my heart.

  "Dad, when I look at you, I see mom. I see her in this house. I see her in my uncles, in the hospital halls. That's why I've balled up all my pain because in a way she's still here with me. I feel her the most when I'm running, and the wind is hitting my face. Bringing another woman into our life's jeopardizes my memories of her because I'm already starting to lose them. Congratulations dad on the baby, on falling in love again. I hope she makes you happy. And you already know you're going to be an amazing dad because you are to me."

  "I'm sorry," he croaks out.

  I give him a weak smile with tears in my eyes. My dad walks over to me and holds me for a long while. I lose count of how long we stand there, both grieving the memories we know we're losing. They're slipping away from the both of us and there's nothing we can do about it. They will fade, soon just be memories on pictures, soon become memories we don't think nor talk about. We will grow without them, but our hearts will yearn for them.

  Austin

  I WAKE UP FEELING what day it is in every fucking bone in my body. It makes me want to fall apart or hurt someone to the amount of pain I'm currently feeling. Today marks nine years when the most important thing was taken away from me.

  My family.

  Apart from Emma they were everything to me. And every fucking year is a constant reminder that this day nine years ago I could have died with them. Every year I wish nothing more than to have died with them, but this year is different. It still fucking hurts the same, but I somehow am grateful I'm here, with Emma. I don't know where it happened where she became someone that I was willing to live for, I wasn't even willing to live for my stepsiblings, my friends, not even Liam.

  Liam has been my fucking best friend since the womb and I still made him suffer by knowing I didn't want to live and was willing to throw my life away at any minute. We've come a long way since that day where my whole life turned dark, but I know Liam has doubts and is scared I'll go back to that dark place. And I can't predict the future considering I might fall down the same hole.

  I check the clock. It reads four in the morning. I'm leaving the house without making a sound. My father gives me strict rules not to be in the house or anywhere near him on this day. This day is rough for him too. He lost a wife, a child, but instead of being grateful I survived, he feels the exact opposite. He hates the fact that I did survive. For the longest time, I thought he might love me more if I had died, but in all reality my father never loved me. I was never the son he desired. I was a skinny kid who just loved to read. A kid who didn't want to play a sport or go to college to be a lawyer. The older I get the more my father's hatred grows for me.

  I go to the trail where I met Emma. It's my favorite trail. Not only because of the view, but also, because I met a pretty golden eye girl here. Since I'm not seeing her today, I need to fill myself with her memory. On this day I don't talk to anyone and Emma doesn't know about this day and I don't plan on telling her. This day makes me feel ugly and disgusting and I never want her to see me that way. Liam always tries to call to check in on me, but I've told him not to several times and he doesn't listen, so I always turn off my phone.

  I check the time again before turning off my phone and placing it in the glove compartment. It's 4:30 am, I begin to run until I can't feel my legs any longer. My lungs are on fire by the time I stop running, they burn, and my legs are so numb that I collapse on the dirt trail. I lay there just looking up at the sky, the sun is rising and all I can do is stare at it. I think about how life would be if my mom and Meadow were still alive. Would I feel fulfilled? Fuck, of course, I would. They were my world.

  If they would be here, I wouldn't have gone through what I did after their deaths. I shudder at the thought, the memories begin to fill my head,

  "Dad, please I promise I won't grab any ever again."

  "Don't call me dad, boy!" I cried so hard as I sat down holding tight to the back of the chair. My skin burns as the wind blows against it. Please God, if you can hear me please let me faint before it comes again.

  Please.

  I scream in agony of the blow hitting my back. The blow is so hard that it knocks me out of the chair. The pain is so unbearable that it becomes numb. I just lay here, if only I could die. I would never feel this again and I would be with mama and Meadow, in heaven where I'm safe.

  I hear my dad put his belt back on as he says, "You're a fucking waste of space, maybe next time you'll think before you grab food before you've earned it." He spits on my back before he leaves me in this wooden shed and I just lay there numb being the waste of space I am.

  I feel the bile in my throat from the memories. I turn my head and vomit the leftovers of my stomach. My throat burns as I continue vomiting till there's nothing left, but acid. I lay back down and all I can think about is the itch I'm craving. It hasn't been this intense in the last few years. I can almost taste it. I can feel it in my veins. Fuck, I need release. I need for all of this to stop. I want to be strong enough, but I don't think I can be.

  I make it back to my car feeling like I walked for two minutes not ran for three hours and laid on the ground for another hour. I sit there knowing what I want but can't give it to myself. It's fucking complete torture when you want the memories to stop. To fucking get amnesia rig
ht now would be fucking great.

  Sleep.

  Sleep will help me forget.

  I park in a gas station to sleep in my car without any interruptions. Truck drivers do it all the time so no one will call the cops and think it's weird. My eyes drift off to a deep sleep into a dream where my mom and Meadow are in smiling at me.

  ∞∞∞

  I wake up to the sound of honking and I want to go punch the fucker who is honking like the world is ending, but I see it's a small child in a car messing around. I look at the clock on the dashboard and it reads 9 pm. Fuck, I slept over twelve hours and I still feel the same, but at least the fucking day is almost over. I know where I'm going to go to release steam even though I know it's a pretty fucking dumb idea.

  I make it through the crowded room of the gym where everyone is already waiting to either fight or place bets. This is the illegal side of the gym where guys fight without rules and for money. I don't do it for either. I do it to fucking feel something other than the hole in my heart. I do it to hurt and hurt back. I make my way to Mark and his smile grows like a fucking kid in a candy store when he sees me. It's Friday and I never come on Fridays because I hate being mixed up in the illegal shit of the gym, but I need it today. "Fuck man, it's my lucky day."

  "Just get me your best fighter asshole."

  "The best one?"

  "Did I fucking stutter?"

  "Nope, man chill. Austin you're my best fighter, but my next best fighter is a hot head. He doesn't listen to no one and he won't care to hit you in the face, and you know how you are about that."

  "I don't fucking care tonight, just get him."

  "Well, fuck. Okay." He answers with humor in his voice. I’m raging inside that I might just clock Mark instead. Fuck, Austin chill.

  I wait an hour before I can fight, and fuck it makes me feel better. I feel every kick and punch in the rib and in the face. There’s a point I can't feel my face, but the way I win these things are by the dark thoughts that harbor inside my head. I let the fighter think he's winning by getting most of the blows, tiring him out. I'm used to getting hit so I know how to numb out the pain and it feels great to feel external pain instead of internal.