by Karla Lopez
I chuckle, “I’ll be right back.” I throw at the guys as I close the door behind me. “Ugh. Baby, I’m sorry. I wish I could entertain you.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her, and she giggles leaving me in awe with her laugh. She’s so adorable.
She leans up on her toes and her lips meet mine in a sweet kiss. I reach for the key in my pocket and hand it to her. “Can you do me a favor baby? We’re taking pictures before the wedding. I know who does that? Apparently, them. And I can’t have her, but I can’t let my father know I have her. Will you take her with you to the room?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks, baby. I’ll walk you two to the room.”
As soon as we turn, Daniella makes her way to us. Fuck. I’m praying to God that she hasn’t spilled the beans on our past because I forgot to tell Emma about it.
“Austin,” Daniella coos.
“Hey, Daniella.” Emma looks up at me, but I don’t meet her eyes, too scared of what I’ll see.
“I finally met your Emma.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuckkkkkkk.
“Oh, that’s good. I’m glad.” I answer stiffly.
“Who’s this precious angel?” she questions as she leans over to Lucy on my shoulder.
“This is my girl.”
“I thought I was your girl,” Emma jokes. And thank fuck, maybe she doesn’t know yet.
I beam at her, “You’re both my girls.”
Emma’s whole face lights up and it makes me so happy to see she’s letting me in little by little.
I totally forget about Daniella until she interrupts us, “Wow. You had a baby. Dang, you guys are serious. Mhm. You never wanted anything serious with me, but I can’t blame myself. I blame the drugs you were on.”
Emma stiffens at her words. And just like that my perfect world with Emma comes crumbling down.
Emma
I BLAME THE DRUGS you were on. The words hit me like a slap to the face. My whole mind is spinning. I feel like I’m outside my body. I can hear the beating of my heart in my ears. The air leaving my lungs, but not returning. My chest hurts and Austin’s firm grip on my hand brings me back. I turn to look at him and his eyes are shut, but his whole body perceives him as if he’s an agony. This beautiful man inside and out that is his secret.
Drugs.
Every moment we’ve shared flashes before my eyes. All the moments in his car talking while we ate, arguing about classic authors, watching movies, lying in bed while he plays with my hair, talking about our days, making love, arguing, breaking up, fighting for each other, the I love yous. Everything just hits me, and I have this sudden urge to make it all better. I want to hold him and promise him I’ll never leave him despite it all, but I would be lying because I have a great feeling he is never going to tell me. The betrayal, the lies, it’s all wrapped up in the pain.
“Uh Dude, you’re a terrible best man. Your girl will be with you at the wedding.” Jake says from the doorway of his room. Not knowing what he just walked in on.
“Yeah, come and bond.” Liam mocks over Jakes’s shoulder. As soon as Liam looks into Austin’s eyes his smile falls. Liam knows.
I finally have the courage to talk. I don’t want Austin’s business to come to light on his best friend’s wedding day. “Austin”—Austin turns towards me so fast that he must have thought I had left—"Give me Lucy. I’ll see you later in the room. Just come get me when you’re ready.” His throat moves up and down like it’s visually hard for him to swallow. With all eyes on us I need to give him peace of mind for now. I lean up on my toes and give him a light soft kiss and briefly placing my forehead on his. Silently communicating with him that this secret doesn’t change my feelings about him, but in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think about what our future will hold.
Austin without saying anything hands me the key and Lucy and watches me walk away. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to stand by Austin through this lie. He needs someone strong. I can’t possibly be that for him. Not right now.
Austin
Please God please let her be inside. I've been standing outside our room for fifteen minutes now scared that if I walk in, she'll be gone. I keep remembering her kiss and the way she tried to reassure me, but I also saw the distance in her eyes. The wheels in her head were turning. I never planned for Emma to find out about my drug addiction. There are very few people who know. Liam and Daniella were the only ones that knew and not by choice. I want to hold her, beg her not to leave me. I know I lied, but the drugs are not something I'm proud of. They were my escape.
I walk into the room and what I see holds my heart in place. Emma's lying asleep on the bed. She's ready for the wedding. Her hair is made up on the side in a braid and she's wearing a pale purple long dress. She looks beautiful and peaceful. I wish I can stay in this moment forever because I know once she wakes her eyes won't shine as bright when she looks at me. I feel something hot and wet on my face. When I wipe at my cheek, I realize I'm crying. I haven't cried since my mom and Meadow died, but losing Emma is something I can't go through. More tears start to fall rapidly, and I have the urge to touch her. I lay on my side inching closer to her, trying not to wake her. I lay my cheek against hers very lightly and I sob silently against her.
I never thought I would be lucky enough to fall in love, but never did it cross my mind that I deserve to be loved and especially by someone like Emma. I love her so much that it hurts. Some might say that might not be healthy, but how can it not when you got so lucky to be loved. Not for a second do I wish I'd told her, the only thing I wish is that she would have never found out. My drug addiction will help her see how weak I am. It will help her see that there's not much to love about me. She'll leave me. Even worse, she'll fall out of love with me. I feel her hand in my hair, I stiffen thinking she's going to push me away, but she pulls me closer. I release the breath I didn't realize I’m holding. Her other arm wraps around my neck and she just holds me. The tears don't stop coming down, but I don’t feel like a weak man. The weak man my father says I am. Especially because men don't cry. He would yell with every whip, punch, kick he would inflict on me.
I cried my heart out to her while she holds on to me and no words are needed.
∞∞∞
I watch Emma's hand in mine while we sit and watch the couple have their first dance. After my breakdown, we were running late. We haven't said much to each other than a few slight glances where our eyes meet. I stood behind Jake while he married the girl that owned his heart. I watched Emma for most of the wedding and she watched me. I can't find her thoughts in her honey eyes, but I can see that she’s missing that shine I love in them. And that's what I was afraid of. We're now at the reception and she's been holding on to me for dear life as I have with her. We haven't moved from our seats. We've barely eaten, but I watch her closely. I'm so terrified that this will be the last time I'm with her. Anxiety runs through me so fast that I lean over and kiss her shoulder. I need to feel like she's present. Like she's not going anywhere.
"Hey, love birds come and dance with us. You've guys have been here for an hour and haven't really moved." Jake says with humor hoping we'll join them. Liam watches both of us over his glass of poison he chose for the night. He's watching me closely. He knows somethings up.
I don't want to leave Emma, but I also don't feel like dancing. I know it's
my best friend’s wedding and I should put my happy face, but I can't seem to pretend. Emma meets my eyes and smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"Let's dance." As we get up a slow song comes on. We hold on to each other as we sway to the music. To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra is playing around us, which is pretty ironic for this moment. The slow quiet melody of the song heightens my anxiety of what our future holds. I lean into Emma's ear and whisper, "I'm so fucking sorry Em..." I choke on the last word. I feel like I'm breaking.
"Austin, stop." She says with finality and my chest tightens as the blood in my body rushes to my head. Emma leans up on her toes, "We still ha
ve to talk tonight." I close my eyes just hoping that I'll wake up from this nightmare.
Emma leans her forehead against mine, keeping my eyes closed. We sway to the music knowing that nothing will be the same. She dances with the broken man who only knows to bring her the only thing he knows. Pain.
Emma
"ARE WE GOING TO talk about it," Austin says right as we enter our hotel room. I feel so emotionally exhausted I don't think I can do more than sleep.
I let out a heavy sigh, "Austin, I'm tired. Can we please talk to tomorrow?"
"Emma...We're going to be on a trip with our friends."
"I don't want to talk about it right now. I just need a minute." I turn my back on Austin trying to keep my emotions at bay.
"Okay, so what do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave?"
The uncertainty of what I want right now weighs heavy in my chest. "No. Can you just unzip my dress? I'm going to shower."
Austin undoes my dress in silence, but his touch is screaming everything he wants to say. I know it's unfair to leave him hanging, but I feel so confused as to what I want. If all of this, everything we’ve been through is actually worth it. I think that's the worst thing feeling like I'm losing hope. Without another word, I leave Austin in our suite while I shower. The warm water hits my tense muscles exactly how I need it. Every time I close my eyes, I see ocean blues staring back at me in pain.
I feel like I'm failing Austin before I even make a decision. I don't feel strong enough to keep going through all the secrets and drugs? I wouldn't even notice if he started doing drugs again. Can I handle that, be what he wants me to be? Kyle's words about Austin being aggressive and dangerous run through my mind, were those effects from the drugs? What happened to Austin to cause him to turn to such an extreme addiction. I want to hold him and help him through it, but I also want to run as fast as I can. My biggest fear is letting people in enough to hurt me when they end up leaving, and I can't shake the feeling that Austin will leave me one day.
When I walk out of the bathroom Austin is already in bed his back turned towards me. I lay on my side of the bed my face towards his back. I just want to hug him, hold him the way he deserves.
Why are you hurting so much my ocean blues? Who broke you?
Goosebumps run through my skin and the hairs at the back of my head are standing tall, the anxiety running through my veins, but I can't do it. I can't hold him because I'm a coward and scared that when I wake up in the morning, I won't be strong enough to stay. To stay through the lies, to stay through the mess.
∞∞∞
I wake with Austin's heavy breathing in my ear and his arms secure around me tightly. The clock reads 5:06 am. I turn my whole body towards him as quiet as I can without waking him. I stare at his beautiful strong structured face. His fine jaw and long lashes resting on his cheeks. His brows are drawn in together as if he's dreaming something unpleasant. I want to run my finger through his brow to release that crease from his beautiful face. I put my hand over his heart and just feel his heartbeat under my palm.
Warm tingles fill my body, the tightness of my heart making it hard to breathe. I love this man more than I know what to do with it. I feel for his pain, but I always feel like his past shadows him and he never lets me into the dark. The thought of not knowing him to the deepest part of his soul is much scarier to me than letting him go. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight afraid of what's to come, till my eyes feel heavy and I can no longer fight sleep.
Austin
I watch Emma smile from across the pool where she's sitting with a book in hand talking to Hilary, but the smile never reaches her eyes. We've been here for three days in Bora Bora for Hilary and Jakes's friend-moon. Emma and I still haven't talked, we fake it during the day, and I don't come back to the room till Emma is already in bed sleeping. We're walking on eggshells, but I'm just waiting on her. Waiting on her to break my fucking heart into two. I know that's why she hasn't said anything because she's scared of the outcome.
Honestly, I'm scared myself because I don't think I'm strong enough to live without Emma anymore. Everything I do is for her, for us. If she takes that away from me, I know I'll fall back into that deep black hole of nothing, of numbness, of emptiness, where only I exist and nothing else.
Emma's gaze meets mine for a brief moment, come on, baby, look at me. I need you to look at me. Her honey eyes meet mine again and my heart jumps inside my chest. There she is. The feeling of how much I'm capable of loving her is beyond any great love story. Our eyes keep locked on each other; I'll fix this baby. I'll fix us. I promise to her with my eyes and the uncertainty in hers stabs holes into me, into my soul. She doesn't have hope for us, for me anymore.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Emma?" Liam's voice comes beside me and breaks the contact with Emma. I turn towards him and I can see Liam's mind searching for answers in my face. The only person besides Emma that can read my feelings. I look Liam straight in the eyes and he sees it; the pain, but I can't allow myself to hold his stare. I look away, I can't do it to Liam he worries too much for me. Granted he has every right to be. He's been by my side since the beginning.
"Fuck, Austin. I'm sorry." I can hear the worry and pain in his voice for me. He knows I'm in pain and that hurts him too. He and I were meant to be brothers in another lifetime. I stare straight ahead and hold my breath. I choose to change the subject, “What about you and Hannah?”
He blows out a heavy breath, “She’s gone.”
I draw my brows in confusion and look at him perplexed, “What do you mean gone?”
“Yeah, she quit her job, changed her number, moved. Close after our trip to your house she began acting different, then she broke up with me. The next day she was gone.” He answers sadly. My heart aches for Liam because out of any of us he deserves to be loved the most. He’s too good and he cares too much for people.
My heart grows heavier for him, for all of us. My chest aches and it feels like it might explode. I can't breakdown. I have to be strong for me, for Emma, for us. Even though every sense in my body craves the one thing that can numb everything. My hands begin to shake, and I can't shake the urge, I can't hide it. I leave Liam behind in the pool with his thoughts, his wheels turning in his head on how he can fix this. He's the fixer and I'm the broken one.
I walk into our suite and I feel the shakes and the sweats hit my body as if I'm going through withdrawal. My head feels heavy like I'm going to pass out. God, please make the urge stop. I'm not strong enough. My prayer is answered when Emma walks into the room to see me on my knees and leaning into the edge of the bed. "Austin?"
Her voice fills my ears with calmness and peace wrapped into one. It's everything I need to settle my rapid heartbeat. Everything I need. Everything I want.
She gets on her knees and pulls me into a hug, and I feel myself calm immediately. She's my calmness in the storm. Fuck, how did I get so lucky? "Talk to me Austin. I won't judge you. It won't change how I feel about you." I look into her eyes looking for any kind of hidden truth behind what she just said, but there's nothing. Only underlying love and worry lie in her beautiful honey eyes.
"If I tell you everything Emma, I need you to let me talk to the very end. Don't interpret me please." She nods her head in response. I never thought I would have to do this. I thought I would be fine hiding the deepest holes of my soul where no one can touch them.
I take a deep breath and look away from her. I look at the ocean from our suite, through the own French doors. I wait several minutes to allow the peace of the salty wind and water to wrap me up and smooth me out. Emma waits patiently next to me, but I can feel her staring at me. I think of the story that will be easiest to bring up, the beginning of who I am. "My mom and father met in college, well my mom was on a college visit and my father was a senior in college. They met on the lawn of the college campus. My mom spilled her coffee on him, I know romantic. After they both fell in love quick, my father was already succ
essful without even trying, coming from a line of lawyers. My mom never made it to college she married my father instead. My mom’s one dream was to be a wife and a mom. The way my father loved my mom"—I pause to control my harsh breathing. Just breathe Austin—"it was beautiful. It's the only beautiful thing about him.
"His unconditional love for her, but sadly my sister and I weren't part of the package of that love. My father never wanted kids. He wanted my mom all to himself, but my mom’s dream was to be a mom. She wanted kids more than anything, but my mom was having trouble getting pregnant. They were trying for years till they finally gave up. My mom never lost the hope though and then she became pregnant with me. My father hated it. I know he did. I was the result of the amount of hatred he had for it. My father was never affection, he hardly ever comforted me, but my mom turned a blind eye hoping that it was enough for me. It was till my grandma became so sick my mom had to go visit and stay with her for a few days out of the month. My parents had more than enough money to provide me a nanny, but the nanny always left at night."
I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I grow anxious about what I'm about to confess, "Till one night my father showed me how much hatred he carried for me. My father abused me every night and day when my mom was away. And if I ever had marks I would have to lie and tell my mom I got them some other way. I was terrified of my own father. I prayed my grandma would die soon. How fucking sick is that? That I would pray for my poor innocent grandmother to die soon so my mom wouldn't leave again, and my father wouldn't touch me again."
I can hear Emma silently crying trying to be strong, but I've only scratched the surfaces. I continue looking into the horizon of the ocean, "Then one night my father got drunk and he hit me while my mom was home. I was fifteen years old and he rammed my head into the wall and broke my wrist by bending it backwards. I remember blacking out and waking up to tell my mom I crashed and fell off my bike in the middle of the storm. My father couldn't be bothered with, so my mom took me and Meadow—my sister—to the hospital. We were passing through a storm and a tree branch fell right in the middle of the road. She swerved and we flipped over and over. I remember waking up to the sight of my mom impaled by a pole that went right through the windshield."