Free Falling

by Makenzie Smith

  “He didn’t take me away from you, Trey,” I said. “You and I weren’t even together.”

  “I know that,” he said, annoyed that I hadn’t agreed with him. “But even when we were kids…my grandparents favored him, my mom felt sorry for him. And then as we got older…I worked my ass off, Kristen. I mean really worked. Got into law school, made something of myself and it’s still fucking Wally all the damn time.”

  It was crazy. They each saw things so differently. Trey thought Wally was always stealing his thunder. Wally thought Trey and the rest of his family felt like he was worthless. Which case was true? Were either of them?

  “That’s a little petty, Trey,” I said. “You two are grown men. Why do you feel like you have to compete with him?”

  “I don’t!” he said, much too hastily. “That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just…well…forget it I guess.” There was another pause. Another smacking of lips. “That’s not why I called anyway.”

  “Okay…what do you need to tell me?”

  “It’s my grandfather,” he said. “Don’t think I ever told you, but he has Alzheimer’s. He was doing well for a while, but he’s taken a turn for the worst. He barely knows who anyone is, and it’s just not looking good.”

  Wally’s Pawpaw? Theo? The sweet, old man I’d met. “Oh, no,” I said, my heart going out to Wally. I knew how much he meant to him. He couldn’t be taking this well.

  “Yeah,” Trey said matter of fact, no emotion behind his words. “I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I didn’t really have anyone else to call.”

  I knew what he was doing. He’d just heard that Wally and I weren’t an item. His grandfather was ill, and he had a vendetta against his cousin. He was using what should be a traumatic event to guilt me into spending time with him, not because he missed me or wanted me, but because he wanted to hurt Wally even more. He really was that petty.

  Wally, I thought. Poor Wally. He was feeling so low right now. I remembered how it had felt to lose my grandmother. Theodore had been more like a father to him, guiding him, taking care of him. If he lost him, it was going to destroy him.

  “How is Wally doing?” I asked, not thinking.

  Trey huffed, a mean, arrogant sound. “Wally, huh? He’s fucking fine, Kristen. Listen, don’t know why I called. Bye.”

  He hung up and I sat staring at my phone. I wanted to reach out to Wally, to let him know that I was there for him.

  For ten whole minutes, I contemplated it, ultimately, deciding that I shouldn’t. Too much time had passed.

  Instead, I lay on my couch and sent my thoughts to him, hoping, praying, that he could feel me.

  Chapter 40

  My conversation with Trey had rattled me. It had nothing to do with him. I could care less about him. But Wally… For months, I’d done such a good job of purging myself of him. I was finally getting somewhere, and then one phone call had me all jumbled again. But I didn’t let it control me. I didn’t dwell. I did everything as normal, and that put me at the local Farmer’s Market a few days later.

  For the size of my town, it was pretty large. Tons of vendors came out to support it. Once a month, most of the community could be spotted there. Large rows lined the parking lot of an abandoned super market. They even had tables and chairs off to the side so people could sit and enjoy some of the food right then. After hearing everyone go on and on about the awesome produce and food you could get, I’d decided to give it a try.

  I was inspecting some of the tomatoes and spotted a familiar head of hair a few rows over. Marlowe. Her long, dark locks were draped over her shoulders, blowing in the breeze. Lucas was next to her, smiling, putting vegetables in a basket. They looked cute. Happy. His sister, Mia, was also with them, but she was sulking in the background, her face dull, lifeless.

  Nervously, I scanned the crowd, wondering if Wally was with them. It didn’t really seem like his scene, but…

  My eyes darted up and down the rows, checked the tables and tents…nothing. He wasn’t there. Not that I could see. I realized that I was disappointed.

  For the next twenty minutes, I continued my shopping, pretending not to know that they were there. After a while, they sat at one of the tables and began eating from a bag of roasted peanuts.

  I was nearly finished, but went to grab some eggplants from across the way. Even though I wouldn’t admit it to myself, this was intentional. I was trying to get closer; hoping one of them would recognize me.

  Marlowe did.

  We made eye contact as I was “inspecting” the food. She gave me a big smile and an excited wave. I waved back, and then she flicked her hand, telling me to come over.

  Even though this kind of freaked me out, I went, sitting down as if it was all normal.

  “Hey,” Marlowe said. “We’ve never seen you here before.”

  “It’s only my second time,” I told her. “You guys come here a lot?”

  “Once a month,” Lucas said. “I’m addicted to these peanuts.”

  He popped a few in his mouth, crunching them loudly. His sister made a disgusted sound. Her hands went to her head and she looked down at the table, ignoring us. Obviously, something was bothering her.

  “So how are all of you?” I asked. “Gosh…it’s been, well, a while.”

  “Yeah,” Marlowe smiled. “We’re good.” Mia snorted, an angry, put off sound. “Most of us,” she clarified.

  “And, uh…how’s…is he…”

  “He’s okay,” Marlowe said with a sad smile. “As good as he can be.”

  Out of nowhere, Mia jumped up from the table and stomped off. A knowing look passed between Lucas and Marlowe. “I’ll go talk to her,” he said. “Not that it’ll do much good.” With an over exaggerated sigh, he stood and walked off.

  When he was out of earshot, Marlowe said, “Paul,” jerking her head in the direction Mia had gone. “You remember Paul?”

  I did. The one and only time I’d ever met her, she had been with him. I’d seen them embracing, smiling, looking happy. “Yeah,” I said. “Just ended?” It seemed like heartache was everywhere, bleeding out of everyone.

  “No,” Marlowe sighed. “But she saw him yesterday. Lucas threw me a party and invited all of my friends. He was there. It’s just thrown her off I think.”

  “Was it your birthday?” I asked, ready to wish her a happy one, even if it was late.

  “No,” she smiled, and moved her hand to her chin, leaning on it. Her left hand. Resting on her ring finger was a black gold band, glinting in the sunlight. The sapphires adorning it sparkled as the light hit it. It was different and unique, but obviously an engagement ring.

  “Oh my gosh,” I said, grabbing her hand. “Marlowe…congratulations!”

  “Thank you!” She beamed. “It was a surprise, but I’m so happy!”

  “Wow,” I said, and let her hand go.

  “Wally was there,” she said, throwing me off guard.

  “Oh,” I said, looking down at my fingers. I didn’t know if talking about him was a good idea—even if that was the only reason I came over here.

  “How are you doing?” she asked me. I knew what she was really trying to ask. How was I without Wally?

  I shrugged and went for honesty. “Sometimes I’m good. Really good. It’s been quite a few months, you know. But sometimes…I guess, I remember him, and I just…miss him.”

  “He misses you, too,” she said.

  “How do you know that?”

  “He told me.”

  “No, he didn’t,” I said, not believing that he would open up to anyone about what he felt for me.

  “Really. He did. Just yesterday.”

  “Then why hasn’t he called me? Or tried to reach out to me yet? It’s been three whole months since I saw him. Why is he being so stubborn?”

  She took a deep breath, like she was prepared for this—a speech already planned. “Wally’s complicated,” she told me. “I know you know that already. You know it better than I do. He’s just m
essed up, Kristen. But I’ve never met a more wonderful guy. Not including Lucas, of course. Yeah, he’s got his hang ups, but don’t we all? He doesn’t really confide in me about anything, but he’s mentioned things here and there and I’ve overheard him talking to Lucas. He’s absolutely crazy about you. When you two were together he was happy. Genuinely happy. Not this fake shit he always puts off. He was more focused, more responsible. And then there was just that little spark he carried with him—this permanent smile he’d have everywhere he went. I mean, it was so cute seeing him stop and look at his phone, grinning as he texted you.”

  A little spark.

  She sighed and started fiddling with her hair. “I know when it all changed,” she continued. “I saw it in him. He was losing hours at work. His car kept giving him trouble. Their rent went up. It was like boom, boom, boom, all these things coming at him at once. He’s so hard on himself. He has such a poor self-image. I think he got scared. He was looking at his life, seeing all the shitty things in it and got scared. Right after you two broke up I heard him talking to Lucas. I didn’t hear everything, but he did say something like, How am I supposed to give her anything? I can’t even take care of myself. He was feeling sorry for himself, worried that you were gonna want more from him. Maybe move in together, settle down or something. And then he just freaked out. He’s got this twisted way of seeing things. He thought that if he ended it with you, that he was doing you a favor, but really he was just being a coward.”

  I’d figured most of this out already, but it felt nice to hear someone close to him say it. “I know,” I said. “But I didn’t want any of those things from him. I tried to tell him that. Over and over I did. He wouldn’t listen. I couldn’t keep holding on.”

  “Yeah,” she said, nodding her head. “I wish he wasn’t so stupid.”

  “Me, too.”

  We were silent, lost in our own thoughts. A few minutes passed before she said, “He wants you back. I know that he does.”

  I shrugged, looking down at the table. It didn’t mean much coming from her.

  She leaned forward, trying to get my attention. “If you went to him right now, he’d make it right. I saw the look in his eyes yesterday. He really does miss you, Kristen.”

  “I’m done going to him,” I said. “I gave him too much already. He just kept hurting me.” I sighed, took in a breath and told her the truth. “Even if he came to me, right now, this very second, I don’t know that it would make much of a difference. There comes a point when you have to stop letting people walk all over you. He can’t just do and say the things he did to me and then expect me to let it all go, or wipe the slate clean. I would have before, but I can’t do that now.”

  “I get it,” she said sadly. “But if he’s the one, and you have an opportunity to have him…don’t squander it.”

  That was easy for her to say. She and Lucas were happy as could be. They probably had been since they met.

  “I can’t make any promises,” I said and told her goodbye.

  I left the Farmer’s Market with a heavy weight pushing down on my shoulders.

  Chapter 41

  My suitcase was on my bed. Throughout the day, I’d been randomly packing, throwing in clothes as I washed them. For five days, I was going to be gone. The trip my family had planned, the one that I’d wanted Wally to join me on, was here. We would be staying in The Gulf for a week.

  I needed it. Work had been tough, but also monotonous. I needed to recharge. If Trey’s conversation had left me rattled, Marlowe’s had ripped my heart open. I could feel it pulsing, wanting, wishing for him. If I stayed in this town for one more day, I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I would go to him. It was too easy to cling to the hope she’d given me. But I had to do all of this on my own terms. Not at a moment of weakness or optimism. If Wally had taught me anything, it was not to be optimistic.

  Each time I had been he’d pulled the rug right out from under me, letting me fall flat on my back. Well, my back was tired of being bruised.

  I’d meant what I’d told her. I couldn’t go to him. I wouldn’t be able to live with that frailty. Even if it all worked out, it would eat away at me eventually. And if he came to me, well…I’d have a hard time trusting anything he said. It’d been too long. He’d already shown me how easily he could break my heart.

  I felt good about that decision, strong, like I was taking something back from him, something I should never have given him.

  My parents were picking me up early in the morning and I was riding with them, meeting my brother’s family at the beach house we’d rented. I needed a good night’s sleep.

  When everything was packed, the suitcases waiting by my front door, I took a shower. Long and hot, letting the water wash over and soothe me. It was late, close to ten, when I stepped out.

  I’d just put on my pajamas and was about to settle into bed, when there was a knock on my front door. I startled, my heart jumping up my chest and putting pressure on my neck. With timid steps, I walked into the living room. Another knock.

  Slowly, I walked to the front door and swallowed a knot in my throat, only to have another one form. I knew who was on the other side of that door. I could feel him. One of my hands reached out and touched the wood, knowing he was on the other side. He knocked again, feebly. He was giving up, ready to walk away.

  Before he could, my hand grabbed the knob and I took a deep breath to prepare myself. I watched my hand turn the lock. There was no going back now. Looking at my feet, I opened the door. I recognized his shoes and raised my eyes to his.

  Wally breathed out a sigh of relief. He was wearing a tight maroon t-shirt, a gold logo on it. His jeans were hanging low on his hips. That brown, shaggy hair looked disheveled, unkempt. His eyes were glassy, glistening in the light of my living room.

  While we stared at each other, I realized that I was only wearing a very tight, see-through tank and shorts. My hair was messy, still wet from the shower. I suddenly felt the need to tidy myself up.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey. Didn’t know if you’d be home. Looks like I almost missed you,” he said, motioning towards my luggage sitting on the floor.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m going out of town tomorrow.” On the trip I wanted you to join me on.

  He nodded, worked his bottom lip. “Is it okay if I…”

  “Oh,” I said, realizing that we were just standing there on the threshold of my front door. “Come in.”

  Looking insecure, unsure of himself and his surroundings, he stepped through and stood in the middle of my living room. I closed the door and stood in front of him.

  “How are you?” I asked. “I heard about Theo.”

  “I’m okay,” he said, avoiding eye contact. His eyes glassed a little more and I wanted to hug him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him, show him that he wasn’t alone, that I understood his pain. But I didn’t.

  “Do you want anything?” I asked, because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “A glass of water? Coke? Beer?”

  “A beer would be nice,” he said.

  “Sure.”

  I went to the kitchen and realized that even though we weren’t together, I was still buying his brand. I popped the top and walked back to him. He was running a hand through his hair, expelling a deep breath.

  “Thanks,” he said, as I handed it to him. I sat down on the couch and he awkwardly followed me, sitting a cushion away. He took a swig of the beer. “I, uh, I was out for a drive and just sort of found myself here. Sorry if I’m intruding.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Do you need to talk about it? About your Pawpaw? I don’t mind.” I really didn’t and had to resist the urge to rub his hair off his forehead.

  “Actually…” he started, and then took another breath, another swig of beer. “Actually…I was hoping we could talk about us.”

  My heart seized. I hadn’t prepared for this. All of my strong internal thoughts were one thing when I was alone, but quite another w
hen he was sitting right in front of me. “Umm, okay,” I said, fiddling, my arms and legs unnecessarily moving.

  “I guess I need to start with I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry Kristen. I was such an ass to you.”

  “Why?” I asked. He tensed at that. Maybe he thought I was just going to accept his apology and let the rest go.

  “Because I’m an ass,” he said. It wasn’t an excuse, and I remained silent, not letting him off that easy. Realizing I wasn’t going to respond, he said “All I can really say is that I was scared of you. I know that’s so messed up. Me, scared of you. But it’s just…”

  He ran another hand through his hair, took more nervous breaths. “Kristen…you and I…it was unlike anything I’d ever done before. I was thinking of a future with you. A real future. And I realized that all the things I wanted to give to you, I couldn’t. I’ve wasted so much, threw away so much in my life.”

  “So you threw me away, too?” I asked.

  “I didn’t throw you away,” he said, finally finding the strength to look at me. I cocked my head. “Okay. Maybe I did, but not because I didn’t want you. I was just so scared. Scared that I was gonna get in too deep and you were gonna realize that I wasn’t worth it to you. That you would see all the things in me that I already knew were there. I couldn’t see that. I couldn’t watch that change.”

  He turned on the couch, facing me. His hand went to middle of the cushion, so close to mine that rested on my cocked leg.

  “When you looked at me, Punks,” he said. “God, I could see the me that you saw. The me I wanted to be. You saw the best in me. I couldn’t take looking at you one day and seeing the worst.”

  These were all hypothetical scenarios—things he couldn’t possibly know were going to happen. Did he really think this badly about himself? “Wally,” I said, “That wouldn’t have happened. All of those things you were scared that I’d see, I already had. No one’s perfect. No one has all of their shit together. And if they seem like they do, they’re hiding something. I saw you, all of you, and I didn’t care. I wanted you.”