Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘There’s nothin more dangerous, heed my words, mark them well,’ Jackser would warn, speaking in a low, deadly quiet voice.

  Then I blinked, resting me eyes on the feet, seeing the steam rising from the socks, with me getting the full whack of the poison pouring outa Jackser. I blew out me cheeks, thinking, the world is full of madness; now, here I am, back in the thick of it.

  I sat dozing, not stirring meself, then suddenly erupted. Bleedin hell! It’s billowing right up me nostrils and I’m letting it. Do something, ye gobshite! At least move, I thought, feeling a helpless sense of having staggered back into an old, dark, familiar world; one I had long ago forgotten but which was now dragging me down, sapping all my strength.

  I moved my chair back, folding my arms, wondering if a body could get gassed from these fumes. Jesus, that smell! It’s like rotten fat getting boiled.

  I turned my eyes on Jackser, seeing he was clapped out with the jaw hanging open, wheezing away in a fitful sleep. I felt for the tobacco in my pocket. Right! Time for a smoke.

  I stood up and wandered over to look out the big old window, seeing nothing but the roofs of the old Victorian houses. I could hear the traffic in the distance with the horns blaring and, for sure, tempers flaring. The heat in the city brings the worst out in people, I thought. It’s especially hard on a mother trying to do a bit of shopping. Jaysus, you get worn out dragging tired little kids through the crowded shops. Then you have to stagger back out into the baking hot streets, trying to make it through choking, black, smelly fumes belching out from all the traffic. But by the time you reach that far the little ones are caked in sweets, covered in snots, exhausted from all your threats and worn out with all the crying. I bet that’s when the murder rate goes up! That and Christmas.

  Hmm, grand! Lovely thoughts to drive you mad, Martha. So what’s really going on? What has you in this mood? Yeah! The real question. What the hell are you still hanging around here for? Jackser doesn’t look like he’s in any hurry to die, not at the minute, anyway! I knew it was too good to be true.

  I looked over at him with the chin hanging down to his chest. His breathing sounds a bit laboured. But it’s strong nonetheless. I lifted myself, taking in a big breath, listening to it slowly snort down through me nose. Jaysus, I’m bored outa me skull. This was a complete waste of good time, and having to look at Jackser’s ugly mug lying slumped in that bed is putting years on me. Anyway, him and this place is giving me the creeps. Fuck! I’m getting meself outa here.

  ‘Right, get moving. Home sweet home and don’t spare the horses,’ I muttered, feeling my heart surge with the relief. I went to move, I could even see myself doing it, but nothing happened. Suddenly I’m paralysed, with my feet cemented to the floor. It feels as if some powerful force is wanting to hold me back, keep me from leaving. I hesitated, staring down at Jackser, sensing it’s coming from him.

  Ever since I came through that door and clapped eyes on him I had started to feel meself sink. I have been slowly but surely getting sucked back into his world without even knowing it. It was as if the badness that made Jackser who he is had been weaving itself into a net. Now it was wrapping itself around me, drawing me all the way back with him, trapping me. No wonder I had been sitting here acting so viciously, tormenting him even if he deserved it. Badness begets badness. Yet it is not all down to his way; there is something in me wanting to stay close to Jackser. It’s like a sixth sense telling me this is no accident, something must happen between Jackser and me, because it was always intended. Or I could still let the fear and the heavy weight of him get the better of me; just get up and run, block it all out. Him and his world of black despair, his dragging me back to the feelings of a child who is forever running in terror. But I have learned to listen to my instincts; they are what helped me to survive. So what are they telling me?

  ‘What’s going on with me?’ I muttered, trying to work it out. Then something slowly began to hit me. I could feel it coming from a sense that had been laid hidden, buried deep down in my guts until now. I stayed still, easing my breath, and let it come. Then it hit me! I was never going to outrun Jackser because every step I will take since I fled all those years ago will now lead back to him anyway. In plain simple truth, I never escaped him. The terrible effect he had on me was so powerful it half crippled me.

  I stared into the distance, thinking, God knows what being here might draw out in me. I could even end up being done for murder. So fucking be it! Jackser and me have some business to settle, and for that he is going to get all my attention. So here I stay, or here I’m stuck. I sighed, wanting to curse the fate that ever made him and the ma cross paths.

  3

  I closed my eyes, deciding to make a mental list of all the things I should be doing.

  ‘How’re ye, Martha?’

  I lifted my head, hearing the quiet whisper of my name. Charlie stood looking down at me with a tired look on his prematurely old face.

  ‘Charlie! Where did you come out of?’ I stood up and rushed around, grabbing him. ‘Give us a hug! What’s happening? Jesus! I’m delighted to see you!’

  He flapped his arms around my waist, then let them fall back against his sides.

  ‘Ahh! Will you ever give us a proper hug?’ I said, grabbing him to me.

  He let me hug him – never one for showing his feelings. Hugs were alien to him; they were only for other people who grew up with them.

  ‘When did you get here?’ he whispered, rubbing his face, ashamed to let me see him looking so rough, so down and out.

  My heart bled as I took in his thin grey face, with the sky-blue eyes now faded to a watery dull, lifeless-looking colour. I let my breath out in a sigh, feeling tired as my heart sank even lower, seeing Charlie was wasting away.

  ‘Oh, long hours ago,’ I muttered, not wanting to make him feel worse by passing remarks on how he looks, or to even bother him with questions. What’s the point? He has set his course. I can wade in and rescue him for a bit, but then he just slips away into his nightmare memories that drive him to go looking into the end of a bottle, hoping to ease the pain with a drop of cheap alcohol.

  ‘Here, sit down, get a seat,’ I said, looking around while he lifted up a chair, holding it out for permission to a sleeping man. ‘Come on. It’s OK. Take it, Charlie,’ I said, waving him over beside me as I sat myself down. ‘How did you know your man was here?’ I said, pointing to Jackser.

  ‘Oh! I met tha aul one a while back; she was coming along the road outside. For once, she stopped te talk te me,’ he said, with a sad half-smile.

  ‘Yeah! She’s very odd that way,’ I said, thinking, she might be all over you one minute, then the next, ignoring you like you had done something terrible to her. ‘Do you ever go up to see her, Charlie?’

  ‘No, I don’t!’ he said, shaking his head with disgust. ‘Ah! Ye know wha she’s like, Martha. For a start, she wouldn’t even answer the door after seeing me through the spyhole, never mind let me in!’

  ‘Yeah, I know, Charlie. She’s the same with me. She never did have much time for us,’ I sighed, feeling weary with all the memories crowding across my brain. ‘You know, Charlie! It’s a funny thing,’ I said, speaking quietly and slowly, thinking about it. ‘But I never could really figure out why not in my heart. I know why in my brain. It was her way of surviving; she had to close down …’

  ‘Ah! Will ye stop outa tha, Martha. Ye know only too well why. It’s because he never wanted us.’

  I followed his finger that was pointing at Jackser, seeing him lying gasping in the bed. ‘So! She threw her lot in wit him. Tha’s all it is, plain an simple. But you always looked the other way, Martha. I can’t understand what ye ever saw in her. She doesn’t even like you, Martha, no more than she likes me. It’s just the way she is. So, I won’t even talk about tha aul one, never mind give her the time a day. I bleedin hate tha aul one, I do. She’s as bad, if not worse, than tha aul fella there,’ he said, throwing his head to the bed.

&nbs
p; ‘Hmm. Maybe I can’t understand the workings of my own ways,’ I said. ‘All I know is, I was her minder for as long as I can remember. It’s in the nature of a child to want the mother to come to no harm. It’s instinct – that way you ensure your own survival. It must have been something primitive in me,’ I whispered, feeling an emptiness inside me with that thought. ‘I still have it, that’s the reason I came here today – to make sure she’s OK. And the added bonus,’ I sniffed, looking at Charlie then throwing me eye to the aul fella. ‘To see him lying there helpless,’ I laughed.

  Charlie grinned, looking at Jackser and then at me, giving a little snort. Then he shook his head in puzzlement, saying, ‘Jesus, yeah! Wonder wha’s wrong wit him? He must be bad, Martha, te let himself be taken in here. Ye know wha he was always like. Jesus! He was afraid of his life of doctors an hospitals. Must be bad,’ he said, raising his eyebrows and sucking in his breath, giving me a very serious look.

  I stared at him with that thought hitting me. ‘Do you think he might be on his way out, Charlie?’

  We turned our heads to stare at Jackser. He was lying flat out on the pillows with his head thrown back. I could see his chest heaving in and out with his breath coming in gasps.

  ‘Yeah,’ I murmured, ‘he really does look bad.’

  ‘Oh, he’s bad all right,’ Charlie muttered. ‘He was a bad bastard, no doubt about tha,’ he whispered, sounding very tired and weary as he stared down at his hands left sitting in his lap. ‘The pair of them were, Martha,’ he said, slowly lifting his head, shaking it, then resting his eyes on mine, letting all the years and the weariness of pain show through now in his dull, but still lovely, pale blue eyes.

  The life is really gone out of him, I thought, feeling my heart sink at the idea he is losing the will to live. I know that look only too well. I saw it often enough in my own eyes a long time before I decided to top myself. Thank God for miracles, because I’m still here.

  ‘Charlie,’ I said quietly, hearing it come out in a croak. ‘Have you eaten anything? Come on! Let’s go and get something to eat. Do you want a few cigarettes?’

  ‘No, I’m OK, Martha. Thanks anyway, but I’m not hungry.’

  ‘Ah, come on! You have to eat. There must be a canteen here, or we can go across to the fish and chip shop.’

  I stood up. ‘Ah, come on! Let’s go,’ I said, taking his elbow.

  He gave me a weak smile, saying, ‘No! I think I better be movin. Wha time is it, Martha?’

  ‘Ah, no! Jesus, Charlie! You just got here. Stay another little while. Sure, when will I ever see you again? Listen! Do you want to come back home with me? We can have something to eat there! Huh? What do you think? Wouldn’t that be a good idea, Charlie?’ I stared at him, seeing him looking into the distance. He wasn’t interested.

  He puffed out his breath and just shook his head, ‘No, Martha, I’m tellin ye I’m OK!’

  ‘Right! Then let’s just go for a smoke, Charlie,’ I said, getting desperate to hold onto him. I stood up, making for the door. ‘Where will we go?’ I said, looking up and down the passage.

  ‘There’s a waitin room down here. Let’s go there,’ Charlie said, making for the end of the passage.

  ‘Right! You go on in; I’ll be back in a minute. What cigarettes do you want?’

  ‘Major!’ he said, letting his eyes light up.

  ‘OK, I won’t be long. Now don’t move! I’ll be back in a flash.’

  ‘Ye’re all right! I’m not goin anywhere,’ he grinned.

  I pushed back in through the entrance door, making straight for the lift. Right! Top floor. This beats walking, I thought, as the doors whooshed open. I belted out, looking which way to go. This end. I turned right, hurrying along the passage, seeing the tea trolleys making their rounds. Jesus! What time is it? I wonder how the children are? Ah, no worries, they’ll be well minded. Their father is staying with them; he can manage no problem. He’ll expect me when he sees me. Yeah, I told him that. So I can be at me ease.

  I turned into the waiting room, letting my eyes fly around. Me heart gave a little lurch, Jesus, Charlie! Don’t be gone. Then I spied him sitting in the corner, sucking on a roll-up cigarette, watching the television. I grinned, thinking, he hates smoking them things; he must be desperate.

  ‘I’m back!’ I puffed, rushing down and flopping in the chair beside him. ‘Here we are,’ I sighed, whipping from under the arm a big parcel of hot fish and chips, dripping with vinegar. The smell was killing me, making my mouth water. I landed the lot down on the little coffee table, with the plastic carrier bag sitting next to it.

  ‘Wha did ye get?’ he said, sniffing the grub.

  ‘Here, that’s yours; let’s have a party. Fresh cod and chips for the pair of us and a litre of milk each. Go on! Drink that. It’s good for you,’ I said, seeing him eyeing the milk, not looking too impressed.

  I opened my parcel, taking out a long soft chip, soggy with the salt and vinegar, then stuffed it in me mouth with a chunk of lovely crisp fish, taking a mouthful of cold milk. ‘Hmm! Delicious,’ I mumbled, trying to make short work of the grub.

  ‘Ahh! This is the life,’ I sighed, finally stopping halfway through to get in a word.

  ‘Yeah, lovely!’ Charlie muttered, giving a quick lift to his head, then landing it back to the business of eating. ‘Ohh! Ahhh!’ he breathed, shaking his head after lifting it for a break. ‘These are lovely. Where did ye get them, Martha?’ he said, looking down at his grub in admiration.

  ‘Across the road. One of them old Italian places. They’re better than all the rubbish that’s opening up now. Those new places get the stuff in ready-made. Or worse, frozen! You can’t beat the old Italian places.’

  ‘No! Ye’re right there,’ he said, leaning down and grabbing another handful.

  ‘Ohh! I’m stuffed,’ he puffed, rolling up the paper and leaning back to rub his belly. ‘They were lovely. I enjoyed tha,’ he said. ‘It was a good idea after all,’ he laughed. ‘I didn’t realise I was tha hungry. I’m not usually bothered about eatin, cos I never feel the hunger, Martha.’

  ‘I know,’ I muttered, feeling my heart sinking to the bottom of me belly, seeing how thin and worn out he looks. That bleedin drink is killing him! But there’s no point in reminding him; he knows that only too well himself. Anyway, it will only get him running out the door.

  ‘Here!’ I said, opening the plastic bag. ‘It’s not over yet; help yourself.’ I took out a couple of doughnuts and a packet of chocolate Kimberley biscuits. ‘That’s for you,’ I said, handing him a bar of Cadbury’s chocolate and a packet of Fruit Pastilles for meself.

  ‘Yeah! But I’m dyin for an aul smoke. Them aul roll-ups would kill ye! Did ye get me any smokes, Martha?’ he whispered, rubbing his hands and grinning, bending into me, then letting his face drop with the sudden worry I might have forgotten.

  ‘No! Here you go – three packets of Major and a packet of roll-ups for the desperate days.’

  ‘Three packets!’ he gasped, grabbing them with the eyes lifting out of his head.

  ‘Yeah, if you go easy on them, that sixty will last you.’

  ‘Jesus! Ye’re very good, Martha. Thanks! I wasn’t expectin tha,’ he said, ripping open the packet of cigarettes and happily lighting one up.

  ‘Gawd! This place is grand an handy,’ he said, shaking his shoulders then easing himself back in the chair.

  ‘Oh, yeah, there’s great comfort here,’ I said, looking around seeing the comfortable chairs and tables, with the big colour television sitting in the corner.

  ‘It even has a lovely view, Charlie. Look at the size of that picture window. It’s going from wall to wall. I’d say it’s lovely at night if you were sitting here looking out at the city all lit up. Yeah! We’ve all the comforts, Charlie,’ I said, enjoying meself no end. ‘Here! Eat, have a cake,’ I said, picking up a doughnut and taking a big bite with a drop of milk.

  ‘Yeah, this sure was a good idea of yours,’ he said, lying back in the
chair looking very contented.

  ‘Ah, yeah! This is just like old times, Charlie,’ I said, laughing and thinking. ‘Do you remember the time you decided to join the army?’ I said, looking at him, letting a big laugh outa meself.

  ‘Aw! Don’t remind me!’ he said, looking away in disgust.

  ‘How long did you last, Charlie?’

  ‘I didn’t,’ he said.

  ‘No! You bleedin did not. You were in and out so fast I knew nothing about it. Not until one day these two army policemen marched up to my door.’

  ‘Marched?’ Charlie laughed.

  ‘Yeah, marched! Stamped in perfect unison wearing big boots and demanded I hand you over! “Are you Martha Long, sister of Charles Henry Long?”

  ‘“Eh, well … What’s he done?” I said, giving meself time to think while I stared the length of them, trying to figure out what you’d been up to.

  ‘“He’s AWOL, ma’am!” they said. I was miffed to be called ma’am! And me only about twenty-one. I stood gaping at them, waiting for more.

  ‘“Is he your brother? Is this his residence? We have orders to march him back to barracks; he is under arrest!” one said, whipping out a sheet of paper and landing it under me nose.

  ‘“Is that right now?” I said, slapping the paper back against his chest. Then I leaned into them, saying quietly, “Yes, he is my brother all right! No, he’s not here, nor does he even live here. But wait until I get me hands on him,” I barked. Then I erupted, “Now, as for you lot! How dare you take a child into the army? He’s under age, only sixteen years old. He didn’t get my permission, so I’m bloody sure it’s illegal!” I snorted, staring daggers as I poked one in the chest, giving a thump for every point.

  ‘He didn’t blink while I concentrated on boring holes in his ribcage. Oh, no! He’s a real man was the message as they just stood straight as an arrow, boring holes back in me. They were staring me right in the eyeballs, trying to work out if I was hiding you, the missing desperado. “Now, you can clear off and don’t come back here again or I’ll have the law onto you,” I said.