Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘OK, thanks, Nurse,’ I said quietly, making to move away. ‘You’re very good; take it easy,’ I grinned, taking off quietly to creep into the dimly lit ward.

  I could instantly feel the warm dry heat and get the sour smell of bodies mixed with a faint scent of disinfectant. It hit me as I made my way through the dimly lit ward with the light coming in from the corridor outside. A light was on over the snow-white sink, throwing a warm glow into that corner. I could see clearly an old man stretched out in the bed with his mouth hanging open. He was snoring heavily; the rest of the patients were all in shadow. I crept in further, stopping when I caught sight of Jackser. He was propped sitting straight up, with his head gently resting on the pillows. His face looked grey, much greyer than it did this morning. It looked even in that short time as if he had aged. His eyes looked fastened closed, like he was in a deep sleep. I could hear his breathing; it sounded much heavier, and every breath seemed to be a gasp. I followed the length of his legs stretched out straight in the bed, with his arms down beside each leg and his hands stretched out. I stared, sensing something – an emptiness around him. Like he was all alone battling something fearful and there was no one to come to him. He didn’t seem like the old Jackser. Just an old man who was terribly alone with no one to care! Something stirred in me. A feeling of wanting to take away some of that loneliness, not let him be too afraid.

  I moved over and leant down, looking into his face. His skin lay in folds hanging off the cheekbones. His nose was always big; some people said he had a Jewish nose, and he certainly did look it with his brown eyes and tanned skin. His hair used to be dark brown and very silky looking. Well, it would have been if he had not doused it in hair oil.

  I felt him stir inside. His breathing didn’t change, not even a muscle in his body moved, yet I could sense he had some awareness of a presence beside him. It was as if on some very deep level he could sense me, my thoughts, my intentions. It was just a fleeting sense, but I sensed him feeling my spirit nonetheless.

  I pulled out the chair and moved it in as far as I could get, then tentatively moved my hand on his, barely touching it. Then suddenly his strong powerful hand lifted up and grabbed mine, holding on tight. I paused, taking this in. Wondering what I should think about this. Then I relaxed and held his hand tight, letting him know he was not alone.

  ‘I’m here, Jackser,’ I breathed, letting him barely hear me. ‘I’m not going to leave you alone.’

  He squeezed tighter, holding on. Then his breath seemed to slow, and it felt like he was concentrating on getting the next breath, like he needed all his strength for just that. He was determined to take every breath, fighting to stay alive. I could feel another shift in him, like he was sinking deeper, going away. Yet his hand held fast to mine, as if wanting to let me know his terror was facing death. He was leaving this world all on his own with no words of comfort or the warmth of someone to show him his existence mattered, if even just a little.

  I lifted my head, stirring, feeling a sharp pain running along my shoulder and back. I looked up, seeing Jackser breathing fast. He still held my hand in an iron grip.

  ‘Are you all right?’ the night nurse whispered, looking at me as she lifted her head from peering down at Jackser, checking him. I stretched my arm and wriggled my hand slightly, pulling away from Jackser.

  ‘Yeah! How is he?’ I whispered, looking down at Jackser.

  ‘He’s holding his own,’ she said, shaking her head, not looking too sure. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ she whispered, smiling down at me with her eyebrows raised, ready to rush off and get me one.

  ‘Oh, yeah, please! That would be lovely,’ I said, standing myself up and stretching, then making slowly out after her.

  ‘Go on down to the waiting room,’ she smiled, making her eyes look brighter now in the early hours of the morning.

  She’s exhausted, I thought, thinking she has a lovely smile and she’s really very pretty.

  I wonder what time it is? Ah, it makes no difference; time doesn’t matter at this stage. But I better make a quick run home, though, as soon as it gets light. I need to see how the children are. Oh! Another thing! They’ll be starting their school summer holidays on Friday. That’s handy – it will be easier to organise them. I better let their father know what’s happening; he can look after things until further orders. Ah, he won’t mind; he’s very easy-going that way, especially when it comes to the kids. He takes everything in his stride and lets hassle run off him like water off a duck’s back!

  I wonder if Charlie is still here? I thought, as I put my nose around the door and looked up and down the room, but I couldn’t see him. A little lamp was throwing light halfway into the room, leaving the rest in darkness.

  Oh! There he is! My heart gave a lift seeing him still here. He was clapped out down in the corner, looking the picture of comfort with two armchairs pushed together and himself stretched out fast asleep. He even had a pillow under his head and a blanket wrapped around him. Jaysus! Good man, Charlie, I laughed to meself. You managed to find yourself a bit of comfort. Ah, I won’t wake him.

  I looked around and decided to sit by the window and look out at the city lights, seeing them spread out in the distance.

  ‘Oh, lovely,’ I sighed, stretching out my legs and rolling meself a cigarette. Then I heard the rattle of teacups and looked up.

  ‘Here we are,’ the nurse puffed, steaming down the passage, hanging onto the tray.

  I leapt up, rushing to grab hold of the tray.

  ‘Where do you want to sit?’ she said, looking around seeing I didn’t have a little table.

  ‘Hang on,’ I whispered, rushing to lift a table and putting it down beside the window next to my chair.

  ‘I made you a couple of slices of hot buttered toast,’ she said. ‘We’re having our own break, so we have the toaster handy,’ she laughed.

  ‘Oh, Nurse, you’re very good,’ I said, seeing the pot of tea she made sitting with a jug of milk and sugar, and even two mugs! That means one for Charlie. Ah! She even thought about him. My heart really gladdened seeing how good she was to us, especially this time of the early morning. Well, it’s still only the middle of the night, really, and hard to get anything.

  ‘Nurse, what time is it?’ I said.

  She looked at her watch pinned on her uniform. ‘Only five minutes since I last looked,’ she sighed. ‘Twenty past two.’

  ‘Gawd! Is that early or very late?’ I laughed, asking myself. Now I gave a sigh after thinking about it. ‘It’s both too late and too early to go home. I don’t want to wake everyone. So I better wait until it gets light. I need to get home and sort out my family.’

  ‘Do you live far?’ she said.

  ‘No, just along the coast, but far enough in heavy traffic. Yeah, so I better hit the road before it starts. I’ll probably go around six.’

  ‘Yes! Good to get a head start,’ she said, nodding in agreement with me. ‘OK, I will let you get on with your tea. Eat up the toast while it’s still hot,’ she said, turning to rush off.

  I looked down, seeing Charlie with the head lifted off the pillow, staring up at me through red bloodshot eyes, and the hair standing on end. He was confused after waking himself from a deep sleep.

  ‘Charlie! Do you want a lovely hot mug of tea,’ I said, ‘with a bit of toast?’

  He mumbled something.

  ‘Right! I’ll bring it down to you.’

  I lifted the tray and carried it down, putting it on a table beside him, then poured out two mugs of tea.

  ‘Here! Have that,’ I said, handing him the plate of toast.

  He sat up slowly, taking the mug and squinting, trying to get his eyes open.

  ‘What time is it, Martha?’

  ‘Half-two!’

  His eyeballs widened, then his face stretched in shock.

  ‘We’ve been here all night?’

  ‘Yeah! Well, what else is there to do, Charlie? Sure, we’re not doing anything. Suddenly all th
e things I have facing me just now don’t seem all that important. The kids are OK – that’s all that matters. The rest can take care of itself. Sure, you’re not rushing off anywhere either. Don’t tell me you are!’

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ he said, drinking his tea, trying to work out what it is he is about. Then he sighed. ‘No! This place is just as good as any for me, probably better than most!’ he laughed. ‘Especially when ye wake up te this.’

  ‘Yeah! Go on, eat it, Charlie.’

  ‘It’s lovely,’ he said, shoving half the sliced toast in his mouth. ‘You go on, Martha! Have some,’ he muttered, throwing his head at the plate while he made short work of nearly a whole slice of toast.

  ‘No, the cigarette will do me! Gawd, this tea is lovely and hot, Charlie, isn’t it?’ I said, taking a big mouthful. ‘Ahhh! That nurse is very good. I must bring her a box of something, maybe a few sweets, just to show my appreciation,’ I said, looking at him and enjoying meself.

  ‘Ah! They’re very good all right! How’s the aul fella? Were ye down wit him all this time?’

  ‘Yeah! I fell asleep on the side of the bed. He’s not looking good, Charlie. I don’t think he’s going to make it. I’m planning on coming back early in the morning. I want to see the ma! Wonder if I will call over early and bring her up?’

  ‘Yeah, save her gettin the bus,’ he said. ‘But don’t think I’ll be here, Martha. I’m gettin out too! I’m not hangin around this place.’

  My heart dropped, not wanting him to go then vanish again.

  ‘Where are you off to, Charlie?’

  ‘Ah, here an there.’

  ‘Where exactly?’

  ‘Nowhere! Everywhere! I just have te get movin, Martha,’ he said, sounding very definite and even a bit annoyed.

  ‘OK!’ I mumbled. ‘Are you staying at the Morning Star Hostel, Charlie?’

  ‘Yeah. When they let me in an when I have the money.’

  I whipped open my purse, taking out two twenty-pound notes and a ten.

  ‘Here, take that. And don’t spend it on drink, Charlie! It’s for the hostel and a bit of grub.’

  ‘Wha? Ah, ye shouldn’t, Martha. I know you have the kids an all tha.’

  ‘Go on! Take it,’ I said, shoving it into his hands. ‘We won’t starve. But you might!’ Then my heart dropped seeing the light in his eyes, looking a bit like my old Charlie, but I know it won’t last. He will surely blow the lot in the first off-licence he comes to.

  ‘Gawd! You’ve always been really good te me down the years, Martha. Thanks!’ he said, looking embarrassed because he’s very shy. He doesn’t like showing his emotions.

  ‘Give us a hug!’ I said, grabbing him and landing a smacking kiss on his cheek.

  ‘Cut tha out!’ he said. ‘I’m not a kid,’ he laughed, wiping my spit off his face.

  ‘Ah! I know ye’re an aul fella, but you’ll always be my little brother,’ I said, wanting him to know I love him and someone in the world cares about him even though he forgets it. He doesn’t even understand it, really. Yet I would say he is far more intelligent than myself. He actually has a very fine mind. He used to read a lot and he could discuss politics, even some of the great philosophers! Yeah, Jaysus! When I think about it, there was nothing he was not interested in. He hides it, though. The weight he carries gets in the way. He never really got a chance to blossom; the drink took him too early. Now he is just wasting away, putting in time waiting for Godot.

  ‘Charlie, what about Dinah? Surely she should have been up? Come with the ma?’

  He shook his head. ‘Ah, you have no idea, Martha, what’s been goin on these years. Sure, Dinah took bad.’

  ‘What?’ I shouted, feeling my heart stop. ‘How? Where is she?’

  ‘I’m tryin te tell you,’ he said, wanting me to shut up. ‘After Harry died, she was never the same. She went very inta herself. She started sayin about hearin things in her head. Then she started actin like tha aul fella, thinkin people were talkin about her, everyone was lookin at her. She could get very aggressive, Martha. Then, Jaysus! You wouldn’t go near her,’ he said, shaking his head, looking sideways at me as if he feared for his life.

  I stared, not able to take it in.

  ‘Do you know something, Charlie, that you are after reminding me about? The night Harry died I went over to the flat, and her and Gerry kept saying they could hear Harry calling them. Gerry was tormented. He was holding his fingers to his ears, saying Harry wouldn’t stop shouting at him. Then Dinah started. I remember she kept saying, “Yeah! Yeah! Can you hear him? I can hear him too.”’

  Charlie kept nodding his head, agreeing with me.

  ‘Yeah! Tha’s when it must have started. The two a them!’ he said, leaning over to me then sitting back. ‘Now they are put away probably for life.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yes! Dinah is in a mental hospital. She’s been there now fer a while. Gerry is in the same place.’

  ‘But he has the mind of a child, Charlie!’

  ‘Well, he now has a very serious mental condition on top of it. But Dinah is really far gone. She acts just like the aul fella. Very strange tha!’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘Jesus! It must be very, very serious whatever’s ailing her, or whatever is wrong with her. I just don’t know any more. It’s bleedin cruel she should be that unfortunate. Maybe that’s what was wrong with Jackser!’ I said, thinking that would make sense. ‘Poor Dinah, maybe she inherited something from him. Could be it was there all the time, the poor thing. But then the shock of Harry committing suicide finished the pair of them off. It sent them over the edge.’

  ‘Yeah, sounds like that,’ Charlie whispered, going into himself, getting very down thinking of all the misery.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘They all seem wiped out! So who has the ma got now, Charlie?’

  ‘Not young Sally,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘She can’t manage either. She sits up there in her own flat an hardly ever moves outa the place. She lives on her nerves.’

  ‘Yeah, I remember going to see her in hospital when the children were only babies. I used to go up and take her out for the day. Gawd, Charlie, she was very depressed. Her heart was a dead weight inside her. Bloody hell! Now I see what you mean when you said “Who is there left to come up?” Yeah, now I know what you mean,’ I muttered, talking to myself, feeling somehow like the ground was going from under me.

  ‘So that means it’s just you and me here now, Charlie.’ My heart flew at the thought. ‘Everyone is just, what? Gone? Disappeared?’ I said, looking at Charlie. ‘Out of how many?’ I asked, knowing the answer but telling myself anyway. ‘They had six kids. One is dead, God rest him, Harry. He was only what when he committed suicide? Twenty-eight years old. Two have disappeared. Then two more went completely over the edge and Sally has no life with her depression.

  ‘This is going to drive me mad if I think about it any more,’ I said, seeing Charlie was just staring at the floor, lost inside himself.

  I took in a deep breath, saying, ‘Right! First thing tomorrow I’m calling up to see the ma. Jesus, Charlie, she’s left on her own!’

  ‘Well! What does she expect?’ he said, looking at me like I should know the answer because it was so obvious.

  ‘I can’t take it in,’ was all I could say, feeling my stomach churn with a sick fear. The ma is going to be completely lost and all on her own! I wouldn’t want her to go through that. Now I’m really beginning to worry about why she hasn’t come up.

  I stood up, saying, ‘Listen, Charlie, I’m going down to check on Jackser. Come on down with me. Do you want to?’

  ‘OK,’ he sighed, walking slowly up behind me. ‘I might as well, I might as well,’ he repeated, sounding as weary as I felt meself.

  ‘Here he is,’ I murmured, creeping back into the ward. Everyone was deep in sleep; you could hear the snores were coming from all directions. ‘Grab the chair there. I will sit where I was,’ I whispered, seeing him sit down looki
ng very intently at Jackser.

  ‘He’s lookin a lot worse, Martha,’ he whispered. ‘Gawd! I don’t think he’ll last,’ he said, looking like it really worried him.

  Maybe he does care somehow, I thought, trying to figure out all sorts of odd feelings that were taking me over.

  ‘No! I think you’re right!’ I said, taking Jackser’s hand, feeling him grab hold and hang on tight. ‘Shush! He can hear us,’ I said softly, pointing with my free hand.

  Charlie nodded, then threw his head at me hand, raising his eyebrows and opening his eyes wide.

  I nodded, then shrugged much as to say, ‘Why not? What harm can it do?’

  Charlie folded his arms across his stomach and stretched out his legs, resting his eyes on Jackser, seeing and hearing him fighting for his breath. I sat across from him holding Jackser’s hand, resting myself on the side of the bed. We were both lost in our own thoughts, just sitting quietly and companionably in the near-dark room.

  My mind began to wander, taking me all those years, all them so very many years ago, my spirit now wandered back. All the way back to that little room in Rutland Street with the light thrown out from a paraffin lamp sitting on the table. I could smell the paraffin and sense the wonder of being able to rest, just sitting in the room with a red rosy fire throwing out the heat. My ma is lying in the big bed with Charlie snuggled up beside her; they’re warm and contented. We’re all so happy just to be in, snuggled up and out of the elements. No more tramping through the rain and the cold, the dark and the wind, with everyone turning away from us. Then, in a matter of days, it changes.

  Jackser lunges for the bed, draggin me ma out an throwin her on the floor. He punches an kicks her wit his cobnailed boots, an she keeps tryin te get up. The babby wakes up an starts cryin wit the fright. Jackser stops killin me ma an looks up at the babby. I am terribly afraid. Jackser’s eyes are bulgin an he’s dribblin from the mouth. I am ready te run an grab me babby, an I watch Jackser’s eyes when suddenly he plunges the babby from the bed an charges out the door onta the landin. ‘I’ll fuckin show you, ye whore.’