Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘Yes?’ she said, stopping with a bedpan covered in a white paper bag.

  I stood back a bit, seeing it was used. ‘Nurse, would it be possible to get a little pot of tea for my mother? She’s a little upset, you know how it is. She’s worried about Jackser. He’s down in the ward now, getting looked after by the nurses. They’re washing him,’ I said. ‘The poor mother looks like she’s nearly off her feet!’ I wheezed, hearing meself grovelling while she stood patiently waiting, listening with the piss pot weighing down her arm.

  ‘Ah, no bother,’ she said cheerfully, ‘just let me get rid of this.’

  ‘Oh, and, eh, would it be possible to rustle up a bit of toast for her? I don’t think she’s eaten anything today. Just to keep her going,’ I said, following her into the sluice room, seeing her land a pile of shit down the plughole in a toilet-looking thing. Me stomach turned and I moved back fast.

  ‘OK! I’ll get you that in a minute,’ she said. ‘Are you down in the waiting room?’

  ‘Yeah! Thanks, Nurse. I really appreciate it. Where would we be without the lot of you?’ I said, grinning at her.

  ‘Oh, tell that to the government!’ she snorted, throwing in the paper bag then slamming down the lid of the pedal bin.

  ‘Yeah! Overworked and underpaid,’ I said, knowing they don’t get their worth. ‘Right! Better see how the mother is,’ I said, taking off back down to the ma.

  ‘The nurse is going to bring you down a cup of tea, Ma, and a bit of toast, I hope!’

  ‘Is she?’ the ma mumbled, lifting her head then dropping it again, not taking me in.

  I sat down, giving a big sigh, and rolled meself a cigarette. The ma sat staring at the floor, muttering to herself.

  ‘Where is tha nurse? They must be finished wit him now, be all this time! Jaysus, they’ve been up there long enough wit him! I’m goin up te see,’ she said, standing herself up.

  ‘No, Ma! Wait, sit down, rest. They’ll tell us when they’re ready.’

  ‘Jaysus! I don’t know,’ she moaned, sounding like she was crying, then whipping her head around the room, looking at nothing.

  ‘Ah, don’t be fretting, Ma. It’s hard to kill a bad thing,’ I laughed, trying to placate her.

  ‘Ah, leave me alone. None of youse want me. Ye’s have no time fer me! Don’t be talkin te me!’ she snorted, waving me away.

  ‘Right,’ I muttered, looking down at my fingernails, then hopped up. ‘I’ll just see how they’re getting on,’ I said, making for the door and escape just as the nurse came in with a tray.

  ‘Tea’s up!’ she said happily, landing the tray down on the table beside the ma.

  ‘Oh, lovely!’ I could smell the toast and me belly started to rumble. I hadn’t realised I was hungry.

  ‘Now, do you need anything else?’ she said, looking at the teapot with the steam coming out and the two plates of hot buttered toast.

  ‘No, thanks, you’re really very kind, Nurse. We’ll manage. This is lovely!’ I said, rushing to pour out the tea, then handing a cup to the ma. ‘How many sugars will I put in, Ma?’

  ‘I’m not bothered,’ she said.

  ‘Ah, come on, drink this. I put in two. Here, eat that toast,’ I said, lifting a piece and handing it to her.

  She looked at it, wondering if it would poison her, then supped her tea. I watched as she took a nibble of the toast, then a bigger bite.

  ‘Go on! Eat up!’ she suddenly said, looking at me and pointing to the bread, with a lump of it hanging out of her mouth.

  ‘No! You have the lot. I had a lovely big dinner,’ I said, wanting to see her get something inside her.

  ‘Did ye? Wha did ye get, Martha?’

  ‘Eh, I can’t remember,’ I said, trying to think.

  ‘Ye didn’t get nothin!’ she said, laughing at me. ‘Go on! Eat some. It’s lovely!’

  My heart lifted, seeing her come out of herself. ‘Yeah! You’re right, Ma, I’m starving,’ I said, lashing into a piece of toast.

  ‘Where do they make this, Martha? It’s lovely bread, very crusty.’

  ‘Down in the kitchen, Ma. They must bring the hot stuff up from the kitchens down below. But they get the tea from the kitchen down along the passage here. Right! What we can do is, Ma, we’ll go and see Jackser. Then later we can ramble off for a while and go down to the canteen, where the nurses feed. We’ll get something nice to eat. Wouldn’t you like that, Ma?’ I said, feeling my spirits lift at seeing a bit of life in her.

  ‘Yeah! But we want te go an see him first, Martha. Ye know I’m not here te enjoy meself! He’s not well, an you’d do well te remember tha!’ she snapped, giving me a dirty look.

  ‘Ah, yeah, Ma, of course! But we have to eat. Sure, I’m staying here keeping an eye on him. So don’t be worrying yourself, Ma,’ I said slowly, shaking my head and leaning into her.

  ‘Oh, are ye here long, Martha?’ she said, softening, letting her eyes blink, then lifting them with interest to hear what I had to say.

  ‘Yeah. I came in yesterday morning. I stayed with him the whole day and night! Come to think about it, I haven’t seen my bed since. Then, in the early hours, I had to rush home and sort out the kids.’

  ‘Did ye?’ she said, smiling at me, listening. ‘How are they?’

  ‘Growing, Ma. Getting very big.’

  ‘Hmm!’ she said nodding, but her eyes were flickering. She was gone again.

  ‘Have that last bit of toast, Ma.’

  ‘No!’ She shook her head.

  ‘Go on! Here, Ma, eat it,’ I said, holding the plate up to her. ‘There’s still a drop of tea left in the pot. Have that,’ I said, pouring it out and putting it in her hand.

  She drank and ate without thinking. Her mind was still lost.

  ‘Charlie was here yesterday. He stayed most of the day and all through the night, Ma. We kept Jackser company.’

  ‘Is he off the drink?’

  ‘Oh, yeah! He was stone-cold sober.’

  ‘It won’t last,’ she sighed, then sniffed, ‘I’ve no time for tha Charlie fella,’ she said, lifting her shoulders and straightening herself, then turning away with a sour look on her face.

  ‘Why not, Ma? What’s he done to you?’ I said, feeling annoyed, knowing full well why she doesn’t like him.

  ‘Ah! Leave me alone. He never was good for anythin. He never gave me nothin, anyway! No time for anyone, tha fella, but himself,’ she snorted, whipping her head around to look at the wall, then folding her arms, giving me a dirty look. ‘No! Let him keep away from me,’ she said, shaking her head, throwing away any thoughts of Charlie.

  I sighed, letting myself fall back into silence. No point in arguing. You can’t change the ma, I thought, feeling myself pull away inside, shutting off a bit of meself from her. Never fucking changes, the ma. There always has to be someone she hates. She can be all over you one minute. Then, if someone else comes along and they seem a better bet? She’ll talk and moan about you to them, then turn against you, like you are the worst in the world. Oh, well! I’m used to her ways. She is what she is – that’s the ma for you!

  The nurse appeared in the door and leant over to us, saying in a loud whisper, ‘He is all done now. You can go in any time you’re ready.’ She smiled, looking from me to the ma.

  ‘Is he?’ the ma said, jumping up landing herself on her feet. ‘Come on, Martha. We can go now,’ she said, looking at me, happy with that thought.

  ‘OK, Ma. Thanks very much, Nurse. You’re very good!’

  ‘Don’t mention it!’ she smiled, then took off out ahead of us.

  The ma was ahead of me, making straight into the ward, saying, before she even hit the place, ‘Where is he?’

  I came up behind her, seeing Jackser looking washed and polished. He was much cooler. They had him propped up on the pillows in his fresh new pyjamas and the snow-white, crisp sheets. Me ma stared at him as she slowly walked over, taking him in with her eyes and the mouth half-open.

  ‘Here,’ I whispere
d, ‘sit down, Ma,’ as I pulled out the chair, sitting her in it.

  ‘He’s looking a lot worse, Martha,’ she breathed, sounding like she had the fear of God in her.

  I laid my eyes on him, seeing his face looking a lot greyer than it did earlier.

  ‘Yeah! He’s not looking too good, Ma,’ I muttered, seeing him begin to really sink. ‘What happened to him, Ma?’ I said, after a few minutes of the two of us just staring at him.

  ‘I went over te get the few messages across in the shoppin centre. When I got back, I found him lyin on the floor. He couldn’t get up! I don’t know whether he fell or wha! I don’t know wha happened te him,’ she said, looking really pained. Her face was creased up in agony.

  I stared from her to him, seeing how bad he looked. My head was flying with the idea, wondering why she seems so heartbroken about him. I can’t take it in. She spent her life wishing him dead; she hated him. Never once did she ever use his name and call him Jackser. We all hated him, feared him, wished him dead. So I always thought when the time came and he would be gone, the huge weight he bore down on everyone would be lifted. Especially for the ma, she couldn’t even leave the house to go for the messages without him losing the head. ‘I’m givin ye minutes, Missus, minutes te get back here wit them messages or you’ll fuckin pay fer crossin me!’ he would threaten, snarling at her with his fists clenching and unclenching.

  Jesus, I made the mistake once of taking her out for a drive to the country. She fretted the whole time, crying and moaning. All I could hear the whole day was, ‘We have te get back, Martha. He’ll be goin mad. I can’t take it, Martha. Me nerves are gone wit him. I wish te the Holy Jesus, tha bastard! Tha whore’s melt! I only wish an pray he was dead an buried! Then I wouldn’t know meself,’ she sighed, getting a faraway look of contentment at the picture of herself, free and easy, with nothing and no one to bother her. Oh, but meanwhile, nothing would suit her better but for me to take her home after spending good money, wasted on a lovely dinner in a country hotel it was. She touched nothing, just pushed away the lot, looking around at people, terrified, expecting any minute someone was going to get her arrested because she was a dangerous criminal on the loose!

  Fuck! I’ll never understand the human race. I suppose she’s too far gone, given herself over mind and body to Jackser. He got complete control of her. Now she needs every bit of him and let the badness continue. It’s all she’s used to! She can’t take a step in her own direction; she needs him to tell her when to take the next breath. So, bang goes the rosy picture of the ma laughing and living, taking delight in waking up in the morning. Me and her and the kids all cosy, with me saying, ‘Granny is coming to stay. We’re going over to take granny out!’ My ma even giving me advice on child rearing!

  Well, ye’re takin that picture a bit too far, Martha. Still, she just needs time. Maybe when she gets used to the idea of doing things for herself … Did she ever? No! Not when she had me. But she shifted herself when the kids grew up. She had to, with all her running after Jackser like a rickshaw man in China, pulling the load behind her!

  ‘Do ye hear me? I’m talkin te ye!’

  ‘Oh! What, Ma? Sorry, I was miles away,’ I said, shaking me head and blinking to look at her.

  ‘I was just sayin, but I’m bleedin repeatin meself here!’ she snorted, flicking her eyeballs at the ceiling. ‘He has a cold. Look at him! The state they have him in,’ she moaned, leaning in to get a better look at his face.

  ‘Why do you say that, Ma?’

  ‘Because he’s sweatin! That’s why!’ she squealed, taking her vengeance out on me. ‘That’s them bleedin aul nurses wit their washin him! Wha did they go an do tha for, may I ask ye? An him in very bad condition. Shouldn’t they a known tha better? Sure, ye’d a thinked twice about washin yerself when ye’re in the full a yer health! Never mind doin tha te him, an he ailin,’ she snorted. ‘I’m goin te report them!’ she said, dragging the coat tight around her, then folding her arms, looking like she meant business.

  ‘Ma, he was like that before he got the bed bath!’

  ‘BED BATH! They stripped him! Mother a divine Jesus! Sure, no wonder they kilt him! He didn’t look anythin like this when he set foot inside this hospital, Martha. I’m tellin ye! They’ve made him a thousand times worse than he already was!’

  ‘No, Ma!’

  ‘Did you put them nurses up te tha?’ she said, leaning into me, looking very suspicious, with the eyes narrowing and her nostrils flaring.

  ‘No! Well, for fuck’s sake, Ma, he was soaking wet!’

  ‘Right! Tha’s it. Where’s them bleedin nurses? They shouldn’t a been listenin te you! I’m goin te talk te tha doctor!’ she said, lifting herself out of the chair, making for the door.

  Oh, bloody hell! She’s going to start shouting. She’ll make a holy show of herself and bleedin me.

  ‘No, no, Ma! Hold on. He asked for a bath!’

  ‘Wha? Ye mean he asked himself fer them te wash him?’

  ‘Eh, yeah, he did, Ma. He said he was too hot!’

  She stared at me, blinking like mad, then rushed out her breath, saying, ‘But sure! The last time he saw a bath he was only a babby! Why would he start tha now?’

  ‘I don’t know, Ma,’ I sighed, beginning to lose me patience. ‘But if you make a show of yourself now, they’ll ban you from the hospital.’

  ‘WHO WILL? I’d like te see them!’ she screamed, waving her arms like windmills.

  Oh, Jesus! Me nerves. She’s going to let fly!

  A nurse came out of a ward and stopped, looking down at us with her eyebrows screwed together, looking shocked and worried, wondering what the roaring was about. I could see the ma’s face working. It looked like her cheeks were shivering, and her eyes kept blinking. Then she gave a little cough, gasping in a big breath, trying to find her voice.

  ‘EXCUSE ME, PLEASE, NURSE! I WANT A WORD WIT YOU!’

  ‘Ma! Don’t! Stop, Ma!’ I croaked. ‘If you open your mouth,’ I hissed, ‘that’s it, you are on your own. These nurses have been very good to Jackser! Now leave well alone. Here, come on, let’s go and get something to eat!’ I said, trying to pacify her.

  ‘Eat? Is tha all you can think of?’

  ‘Yeah! After I sort them out,’ I snorted, hoping this might work. ‘Now! You sit back in there and I’ll handle this. I’ll demand we see the doctor!’

  She hesitated, letting the eyelashes fly, blinking like mad, thinking.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, seeing her let go. ‘It’s better not to say too much now, otherwise they’ll only take it out on Jackser, maybe start ignoring him. Now we don’t want that, Ma. We need them!’

  She snorted, then lifted her shoulders, dropping them and letting the wind go out of her sails, saying, ‘Well, OK, then, but you tell them for me, if I don’t get satisfaction outa them – I want him cured, not kilt – or I’ll be up te see me solicitor first thing tomorra!’ she huffed, letting her head drop then lift as she pinned her eyes on Jackser, sitting herself down in the chair beside him.

  I took off out the door, looking for a nurse. Yeah, we need to find out when that doctor is going to take a look at Jackser. I can’t bear to see him suffering like that, gasping for every breath! You wouldn’t leave an animal in that state. That’s what’s upsetting the ma, too. It’s seeing all the suffering he’s going through. Somehow I don’t think all of that is necessary.

  8

  ‘He’s on his way, Ma. The nurse just told me the doctor will be here any minute,’ I said, walking back into the ward, seeing her staring into space. ‘The doctor is coming, Ma,’ I whispered, leaning down with my hand on her shoulder.

  ‘He’s bad,’ she muttered to herself. ‘I don’t know wha happened te him at all. I came back an found him on the floor! It happened when I was gone. I wonder how long was he lyin there? Jesus! The shock it gave me! I’m still not the better of it,’ she said, stroking her forehead.

  ‘Yeah, I know, Ma,’ I said, feeling a heavy weight dragging
me down. It was the weight of me heart sitting in my belly, listening and seeing her look so far into herself. ‘Oh,’ I sighed, feeling exhausted. ‘I need a smoke,’ then thinking, if there was only some way to lift her, give her a bit of hope. She’s now seeing the future on her own and it’s killing her.

  ‘Ma, listen, I’m just going down for a quick smoke. Will you come with me? Or do you want to stay here?’

  Just then we heard footsteps. I looked up to see the doctor sweeping into the ward then making straight over to us.

  ‘The doctor’s here, Ma!’ My heart quickened, hoping he could sort something out for Jackser.

  ‘Yeah, about time,’ she muttered, standing up and pinning her eyes on him.

  ‘I’m just going to examine him. Would you mind please waiting outside?’ he said, waving us away from the bed. ‘I will call you when I have finished my examination,’ he said, seeing us staring at him. Then he pulled the curtain around, blocking us out.

  ‘OK, thanks, Doctor. Come on, Ma.’ I took her arm, feeling relieved the doctor was here. ‘Let’s go down to the waiting room. I want to have a smoke.’

  ‘We can’t go too far, Martha! You heard him, he will be looking for us!’ she said, sounding worried.

  ‘No, Ma, don’t worry. He knows where to find us,’ I said, as we walked down to the waiting room.

  ‘Let’s hope he can do something, Martha,’ me ma said, voicing my thoughts.

  ‘Yeah, Ma. They can’t leave him like that,’ I warned, reaching for my tobacco.

  ‘This waitin would kill ye,’ the ma sighed, drawing in a deep breath then letting it out, dropping her shoulders again.

  ‘Yeah,’ I muttered, going back to stare into space.

  ‘Hospitals would put years on ye,’ me ma sighed again, wanting to hear herself.

  Yeah, Ma, good idea to make some noise, I thought. Anything was better than the sheer mind-breaking silence around us. I’m just sitting, listening, waiting, with not even a thought going through my skull to occupy me or distract me. I lowered my head, letting the heavy air, thick with the ma’s tension, sit on my chest. Then I suddenly exploded air out, puffing. Jesus! This is going to kill me! It will be her! Or else from sitting around this hospital. The place is full of bloody disease, I thought, thinking that is something the ma would say. Then it hit me! Bloody hell, I have picked up every despairing feeling the ma is carrying and now it has a hold on me. It’s managed to wrap itself around me; now it’s threatening to strangle me. Jaysus, I feel like I’m suffocating, I thought, wanting to get up and run.