Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  He looks very still, I thought, as if he’s dead to the world. The only life you can see is coming from his chest. I watched, seeing it slowly lift and heave, sucking in the air, then pause as it pushed out hard, breathing heavily, letting us know he’s still very much alive and kicking.

  We both stared, saying nothing, then walked over slowly and stood quietly beside him, with the ma on one side and me on the other. We could see him breathing hard, but it was steady and he looked more at peace now.

  ‘He’s lookin better, isn’t he, Martha?’

  ‘Yeah!’ I nodded, seeing him look more at ease. ‘Sit down, Ma,’ I said, pulling over a chair for her. ‘Ah, yeah, he’s definitely a lot better now with that oxygen helping him breathe more easily, isn’t he, Ma?’ I whispered, looking at her.

  ‘Oh, yeah! Indeed he is,’ me ma whispered back, looking more content in herself now as she sat quietly, just keeping her eyes on him.

  The time ticked away slowly as the hospital seemed to quieten down. There were long periods of silence with nothing happening. Even the nurses seemed to have disappeared off somewhere. All that could be heard was the coughs and groans and snores of the patients, with them all dozing in their beds. At least the heat is going out of the sun. I sighed, seeing it vanish behind the building, now gone from the windows.

  I shifted meself, trying to get more comfortable by letting my hands rest on me chin and the elbows dig into the mattress. Then I thought about slinging me legs across and resting the feet on Jackser’s bed. Ah, but no! I better not. It wouldn’t look right.

  Me ma had her eyes closed, resting herself back in the chair. At least she’s peaceful. I hate seeing her getting all upset. Jaysus! What wouldn’t I give now just to be able to climb into one of these beds. The heat and the stuffiness is really making me eyeballs feel like lead weights.

  Suddenly, the hospital fired up again. I could hear the noise of banging dishes and feet rushing, then the voices of people shouting down orders to each other. I lifted meself up, feeling more alert at the sound of the tea trolley. Must be teatime!

  I watched as the tea trolley came crashing into the room. The patients woke up, smacking their dry lips and shaking themselves awake, then rubbing their eyes as they lifted their head, then looked around, landing it on the plate coming in their direction.

  ‘Here ye go, love!’ a grey-haired woman in a blue smock cheerfully roared as she slammed the plate down on a bedside tray. Then she sent the whole lot flying up to an aul fella, he was sitting ready and waiting, watching as she whipped off the cover.

  Me eyes lit on the rashers, sausages and eggs with the steam coming out and the smell wafting over, making me mouth water and the belly rumble.

  Me ma stirred herself, opening her eyes. Then straightened herself up to see what’s happening.

  ‘It’s teatime, Martha! They’re givin out the tea,’ she said, leaning forward, looking very interested to see what the patients were getting.

  ‘Yeah,’ I smiled happily, feeling meself coming wide awake with the life roaring back into me. It was at the sight and the smell from all the grub. ‘They’re getting a fry, Ma, or lovely-looking salads,’ I said, seeing the plates of meat and hard-boiled eggs. ‘Jaysus, Ma! I’m starving. Let’s go down and get something to eat in the canteen,’ I said, standing up and looking at her.

  ‘Do ye think so, Martha? Wha about him?’ she said, waving her finger at Jackser. ‘Will they be givin him somethin te eat, do ye think?’

  I looked at him, seeing him a dead weight in the bed.

  ‘No, Ma. I think he’ll be getting what he needs through that drip there.’ His arm was attached to a long tube running up to bags hanging off a pole. I could see three bags hanging down. ‘He wouldn’t be able to eat anything, Ma. He’s fast asleep,’ I said, thinking, he is out cold, completely unconscious.

  ‘Are ye sure, Martha? Maybe they should wake him up! He needs te eat, Martha! Will I just ask the nurse? It can’t do any harm,’ she whispered, looking around herself for sight of a nurse.

  ‘No, Ma, leave it. They know what they’re doing. He can’t manage. He needs his sleep. Rest is the best thing for him now,’ I said, not wanting to say he is probably in a coma. ‘His nourishment is going in through the tube attached to his hand, Ma. Come on! A bit of grub will give you energy. You need to keep up your strength.’

  We walked into the big canteen and stopped to look around us.

  ‘It’s crowded wit the people, Martha. We won’t get a seat,’ she muttered, looking very down in the mouth with her disappointment.

  My eyes searched the room, then clapped sight of a couple of empty tables spread out at the far back.

  ‘Listen, Ma, let’s go over and see what they have, then you go down and sit at the empty table at the back. I’ll bring the grub down.’

  ‘OK,’ she said, blinking and chewing, not looking too sure.

  ‘What would you like, Ma?’ I said, feasting me eyes on the delicious-looking hot food. I could see it all lined up, sitting behind a well-lit glass in stainless-steel containers. ‘You can have a fry, Ma! Look at them lovely rashers and eggs and tomatoes. Now, if you don’t want that, you can have fish and chips. It’s cod,’ I said, looking up at the sign on the wall. ‘Or you can have a roast-beef salad. What would you like?’

  Me ma searched her eyes up and down, going the length and breadth of what was on offer, not looking too impressed. ‘Ah, I don’t know, Martha. I’m not really all tha hungry,’ she moaned, changing her mind.

  ‘Come on, get something. What will I have? I would love any of them, but I think I will go for the fish and chips,’ I said. ‘Do you want the roast beef, Ma?’

  ‘No! Yeah! OK. Wait! Are them chips nice, Martha?’ she asked, ready to pass remarks before she even tasted them.

  ‘Yeah! They look lovely. Will I get you the same as me?’

  ‘Yeah! OK, go on then. But hurry! I don’t want te be left sittin on me own. Where’s tha table ye said, Martha? I don’t see it,’ she said, squinting around the room, letting her face drop in misery. ‘Ah, Jaysus! Didn’t I tell ye? Didn’t I just tell ye it would be taken? Ye see! I was right! Someone’s just gone an taken it!’ she snorted, waving her arms like all is lost and that’s the end of us! Then she stared at me, giving a look of disgust, saying, ‘Tha’s it now, Martha! Sure, how can we eat here wit no table? Ah! That’s a pity!’ she kept moaning.

  I whipped me head around, seeing there were still a few empty tables down at the far end.

  ‘Ma! Will ye stop panicking! There’s a table at the bottom. Come on – let’s go down.

  ‘OK, sit here, Ma, and mind the table. I’m going back up to queue.’

  ‘Don’t be long, Martha!’ she called after me. ‘He’ll be waitin,’ she squealed, letting everyone look around at us with their mouths gaping open.

  ‘Ah, fuck off, Ma! Does she ever give herself a break and just enjoy something,’ I muttered, hissing under me breath, feeling my patience go now. Jaysus, I feel like I’m back visiting the loony bin, only it’s the ma I’ve come to see.

  ‘Right! There’s yours, and I got us a pot of tea, and bread and butter,’ I said, clearing the tray then putting it down beside our table.

  I dug into the fish. ‘Oh, Ma, this is lovely and fresh,’ I said, enjoying the soft, white, juicy fish with the crispy batter, then taking a bit of the fresh white sliced bread and butter.

  ‘Nooo! I don’t like them chips,’ me ma said, sucking and biting them, then pulling them out of her mouth and slinging them back on the plate.

  ‘MA!’ I wailed, looking around me to see if anyone was watching. ‘Don’t do that! It’s disgusting. Stop spitting out the food, for the love of Jaysus! You’re making a show of yourself and me!’

  ‘They’re too hard!’ she moaned, staring down at them, giving them a dirty look.

  ‘Eat the fish, then. It’s lovely and soft.’

  ‘Is it?’ she said, taking a bite then coughing. ‘No! I can’t eat tha either,
Martha,’ she said, grabbing what was in her mouth then flinging and spitting it out, sounding like she was choking to death.

  Me eyes travelled from her, seeing her tongue sticking out with bits still clinging, then followed the mashed fish, seeing it flying through the air, then sailing down only to land on the floor.

  ‘What’s wrong with you, Ma?’ I said, gasping with the shock at how badly she was acting, then seeing her still trying to get rid of what’s left in the mouth.

  ‘It’s chokin me, Martha!’

  ‘Right! That’s it!’ I snorted. ‘Ma, you need to get yourself false teeth. You only have a few left in your head,’ I said, seeing she only had three on the bottom and two at the top. ‘Listen, Ma, leave that. I will run up and get you a salad,’ I said, wondering if I took off the slops would they do a swap? They can throw it in the bin – sure, she has hardly touched any of it.

  ‘Wha, the roast meat?’

  ‘Yeah! You can leave that too and just eat the rest of it.’

  ‘Wha?! A bit of green stuff, tha lettuce thing, do ye mean?’

  ‘No! There’s eggs as well and something else. Fuck, what would you eat, Ma?’

  ‘I don’t know. Sure, they haven’t anythin here worth eatin!’ she keened, turning up her mouth, giving me a sideways look.

  ‘Well, eat the bread anyway and drink the tea. I’ll see what they have,’ I said, leaving my tea and grabbing her plate.

  ‘Here, Ma, I asked them to leave out the meat and I got them to put fried eggs and beans with a few grilled tomatoes on it. Now eat that.’

  She looked at it, giving me a little laugh.

  ‘Go on! Eat it!’

  She swung her head around, seeing if there was anyone watching her.

  ‘Eat, Ma. There’s no one minding you,’ I said, thinking, not half! Only the world and his wife is watching with the carry-on of her. It’s like a bleedin madhouse tea party. Jaysus! She’s putting me off me grub, and I was enjoying it no end.

  ‘Right! Hurry up and let’s get out of here,’ I said, attacking my cold fish and chips. Now I’m really getting fed up with this bloody caper. Ye can’t take the ma anywhere.

  ‘Did ye enjoy tha, Martha?’

  ‘Yeah, did you, Ma?’

  ‘Yeah, them tomatoes was lovely. How did they cook them, do ye think?’

  ‘Oh, under the grill, Ma, a big one!’

  She shook her head thinking about it, saying, ‘Oh! They were really nice. I must get them again. The eggs were lovely an soft too.’

  ‘Yeah, Ma, they looked really tasty,’ I said, putting my arm around her. I was feeling happy now she got some grub into her, and, better still, she even got to enjoy it, I thought, leading her out of the canteen.

  ‘Listen, Ma, you really need to get yourself false teeth,’ I said, staring at her gummy mouth. ‘Or else you’re going to starve,’ I laughed.

  ‘It’s not funny, Martha. I’m afraid a me life I’m goin te choke!’ she whispered, staring at me with the eyes out of her head and the face collapsed, getting ready to cry.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ I said, feeling sorry for her. ‘But there’s no need for that spitting. It turns people off their food!’

  ‘Yeah, but wha can I do, Martha? I’m afraid I’m goin te choke te me death! I’m put in fear fer me life,’ she said, not getting the point at all.

  I shook my head, sighing at her.

  ‘It’s all right fer you,’ she sniffed. ‘You have all yer fuckin teeth!’ she said, pointing the finger at me.

  ‘Oh, well, anyway! We’re out of there now,’ I said. ‘Mind you! I don’t think I will be going back in a hurry,’ I laughed, feeling down and worried at the thought me ma was getting worse. But I didn’t want to show that – she seems a bit better after getting some food into her.

  ‘Well, at least we’re fed, Ma. Now we don’t have to go wandering around the streets looking for somewhere to eat. I must say I’m feeling much better after that,’ I said, smiling at her. ‘Did you get enough to eat, Ma?’

  ‘Oh, yeah. I had me fill all right,’ she said, sounding very contented and at ease with herself.

  ‘Right! Let’s go up and see how he is.’

  ‘Yeah! I don’t trust them nurses, they may want te be givin him another one a their bleedin bed baths!’ she snorted, puffing up behind me as I rushed to grab the lift.

  We sat for hours, with neither of us saying a word. We were just companionably sitting opposite each other, content to rest quietly and watch the visitors coming and going. Our heads turned, watching as someone new came hurrying into the ward. Then we listened as they made a fuss of the patient. Talking and laughing, giving all the news. We looked to see what stuff they were bringing them up.

  ‘Here! Now, Daddy! Here’s two lovely new pair a pyjamas for you. I threw out them old ones! Got rid a them te the binmen! They were in rag-bag order. We want you lookin nice, Daddy! Let them see what a handsome man me ma married! Now! Where’s yer false teeth, Daddy? Here, put them in. An look! I got the stuff for cleanin them. I’ll leave them out on the locker. I must remember te ask the nurse te throw one in the glass a water at night when she takes them out for ye. Now! How’re ye feelin in yerself now, Daddy? Ye’re lookin a lot better since I saw ye yesterday! I think the rest is doin ye good. Wha did the doctor say? Will they be lettin ye out soon? I must remember te ask the nurse about tha! Now, is there anythin else ye need? How’s yer bowels? Did ye do anythin today? Did they shift? I must remember te ask the nurse about tha!

  ‘Oh, yeah! Now, while I remember, I’ve somethin te tell ye. Me mammy will be up in the mornin te see ye! She’s lookin after Shayleigh an Chanel tonight. Jesus! Tha young one’s a demon! I wouldn’t wish her on me worst enemy! They have her ruined, Daddy! An all them sweets she gets! Tha poor young one hasn’t a tooth left in her head! They’re all maggoty rotten, Da! Rotten they are! An the child only four a year old!

  ‘Right! So tell us, what’s all the news? Did anyone die in this ward? Oh! Talkin a death! Did ye hear poor aul Mister Kelly next door dropped dead yesterday? Yeah! Very sudden it was. Poor Missus Kelly was carted in here wit the shock. Oh! I must remember te pop in an see her. See how’s she’s gettin on. Gawd love her, she’ll have te be out in time for the funeral. That’s only two days away. Yeah! Very sad. It’s all very sad,’ the fat little grey-haired woman sighed, squeezing her handbag as she leant into it, sitting herself comfortably on the bed.

  ‘So! Let me think! Is there any other news I have for ye? Oh, yeah! The new neighbours moved in. Ye know tha house tha was idle for a long time? Well, the corporation gave it to a fambily! She’s a young one! A bit full of herself, I thought. Wit the fake-fur jacket – pink it was! But he seems nice enough. He has a good job. He’s on the bins. A corporation binman, Daddy. Come te think about it! Tha’s probably how he managed te get himself tha house. He’s in the know! Knew someone in the corporation!

  ‘Well, Daddy, I better love ye an leave ye. I promised te get back early an iron them clothes for Melinda-Majenta. She wants me te iron tha good skirt an top for her. She’s goin out to a dance later on. Anyway, I better hurry. She’ll be waitin! Jesus, Daddy, I’m never done runnin after tha lot a mine! I do often say they’ll be diggin me up outa me grave wantin te know where I put this or wha did I do wit tha! OK, Daddy, I’m off,’ she said, standing up, hanging on to her handbag in one hand and shopping bag in the other.

  ‘Now, will ye be all right, Daddy? I’m goin, I said! Why are ye starin at me? Are ye not talkin? What’s wrong wit ye? Jaysus! Something’s just hit me! Hang on a minute, Daddy! Did ye put yer hearin aid in? Let me get a look.’ She bent down, squinting into his ear. ‘No! Sure, ye haven’t got yer hearin aid in, Daddy! Where is it? Let me find it! Jaysus! All this time it’s in the locker. They didn’t put yer hearin aid in, Daddy!’ she shouted into his face.

  He stared, then nodded.

  ‘Them nurses didn’t bother their arses te put yer hearin aid in, Daddy! I must remember te mention tha te the nurse,’ she
muttered to herself as she hurried off, rushing out the door.

  It took our minds off Jackser. He was struggling more and looking more grey as his breathing got louder, and now it sounded even more harsh. Sometimes he gasped as he tried to draw in the next breath. But I was happy to see me ma seemed at ease to just sit and take everything in. I shifted, making the first move for a long while, as we watched the last of the visitors leave the ward.

  ‘Ma,’ I said, leaning over to her. She didn’t seem in any hurry to leave herself. ‘It’s getting late. Don’t you think it was time for you to get home? You must be exhausted,’ I said, seeing how tired and pale she looked.

  ‘Ah! I’m all right for now, there’s no hurry on me.’

  ‘But it’s getting late. I don’t want you going home in the dark. Anyway, this will do you no good. You need to look after yourself.’

  ‘No!’ she said, throwing her head at Jackser, then turning away. ‘Wha about him?’

  ‘What about him, Ma? Sure, he’s OK. I’m going to stay on here to keep an eye on him. He won’t be left on his own. Come on! Let’s get you home.’

  ‘Ah! Home! Wha home? Sure, there’s nothin there fer me,’ she said, sounding like she had really given up and there was nothing left for her.

  I sighed, feeling miserable at seeing her misery. ‘Look, I’ll be back in a minute. I have to make a phone call.’

  ‘OK, everything’s grand at home,’ I said, walking back into the ward. My heart sank seeing she was still sitting in the same position I left her. ‘Come on,’ I said, taking her arm and trying to haul her to her feet.

  ‘Wait! Hang on. Leave me a minute, I told you!’ she snapped at me, pulling her arm away. ‘I’ll go in me own time, when I’m good an ready!’ she snorted, tightening her face and looking at Jackser, then staring out into the night, seeing it beginning to get dark.

  ‘All right. I’m going down for a smoke,’ I said. ‘I’ll be in the waiting room. Do you want a cup of tea? Would you like to go out and get a bit of an airing with me? We can get something to eat.’

  ‘No! I’m fine where I am,’ she said, letting her face look like stone and the eyes pierce with a quick look, then she dropped them away to look into the distance.