Ma, Jackser's Dyin Alone

by Martha Long

  ‘Who, Ma?’

  ‘Sally! I got her te come in wit me. I had te take a taxi. It’s quicker. I was waitin the whole day fer her. I had te wait up te now te get her te come in wit me.’

  ‘What?’ I said, seeing her suddenly appear in the door.

  ‘Yeah,’ me ma said. ‘I didn’t want te come in on me own.’

  I stared at Sally, seeing the white, worn-out face, the lovely blue eyes that could now be any colour if you didn’t know them. They were just staring out of her head with a dead, empty look in them. No, there was nothing to read on her face; it was completely closed down.

  ‘How are you, Sally?’ I whispered.

  ‘Yeah, hello,’ she said, giving a slight nod of the head, then didn’t see me as she forgot my presence. Instead, she flicked her eyes to Jackser, then stood beside the ma, keeping a bit of distance, then back to staring into fresh air, or wherever her mind went it was seeing nothing, because her face was a stone mask of emptiness.

  I stared at her for a minute, waiting and wanting to hear something, or for me to say something. But the air stayed pregnant between us, with me waiting, wondering if I should say more, then the moment passed and I gave up. I didn’t like the idea of her selfishness. She couldn’t put herself out for the ma, never mind bother herself to get in and see her father. Oh, to hell with it. Who knows what’s going on in her poor mind? Maybe she’s hit rock bottom. No, don’t be too quick with the boot, Martha!

  I stood up, saying, ‘Ma, you sit here. I have to move for a few minutes.’

  ‘Where are ye goin, Martha? Will ye be long?’ she said, looking up at me.

  ‘No, Ma, but I need to get meself a cup of tea. I haven’t eaten much today, or even had time to wash me face. He’s not very well,’ I said, pointing my finger at Jackser, suddenly feeling very annoyed. The different emotions flying through me at the same time wouldn’t let me work out why I was suddenly feeling my chest flare up with the heat of anger.

  ‘Don’t be long, Martha! Sally has te get back,’ she said, turning herself around to get a look at me heading out the door.

  I suddenly felt a surge of anger and lifted me chest with a breath, letting my eyes land on Sally for a minute. I was about to say something, lash into her. But I held my breath, saying instead, ‘Right, Ma, won’t be long. Sally can rest herself in my chair. She looks worn out from all her hard work!’ Yeah, it was suddenly back to killing Sally time!

  ‘Jaysus!’ I muttered, lashing meself inta the kitchen to grab a cup, making myself a drop of tea. Then I shoved two slices of bread in the toaster, getting meself a tray.

  ‘Oh! Are you all right?’ a nurse said, coming into the kitchen.

  ‘Don’t ask,’ I said. ‘I will only tell you, then you will regret ever asking,’ I snorted, then let my shoulders drop, taking in a sigh.

  She grinned and pulled out a little milk jug filled with milk. ‘Not surprised, Martha!’ she said, shaking her head and helping me get stuff on the tray. ‘You have been in there sitting solidly for one week. Seven nights and eight days without any let-up. You have not seen a bed since you set foot into this place. I think you should get someone to relieve you. Ask your family in there or someone to come and give you a break.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s an excellent idea, Patricia, but, tempting as it is … No! Better not, anything could happen. I want to stay with him.’

  ‘Then you better start looking after yourself,’ she said, putting her hand on my back and rubbing it, then moving on to lift the tray. ‘Come on, have this. I’ll take it down for you, then put your feet up for a few hours. Have a nap in the waiting room. Don’t worry, we will let you know if we need you.’

  ‘OK, thanks, Nurse. But my ma is here now and the sister. I better go in and keep them company. I haven’t seen the ma for a while.’

  ‘Here we are, sitting room. Right! Sit down there and have that first. Do you want the television switched on?’ she said, going over and standing beside it.

  ‘No, I better not, otherwise I will get too comfortable. I really have to get back down to the ma,’ I said, pouring the tea and taking a bit of the toast.

  ‘OK, see you later,’ she said, putting her hand on my shoulder as she swished off, making the starched frock rustle. Then she was out the door and down the passage. I listened to the squeak of her soft black-leather shoes on the shiny tiles. ‘Thanks, Patricia!’ I roared, just remembering to show my appreciation.

  ‘See you!’ she said, waving back at me.

  I smoked two cigarettes and drank a second pot of tea before making my move back down to see the ma. She was standing up fixing her coat, buttoning it up. Sally stood waiting, getting ready to make it out the door.

  ‘What’s happening, Ma? Where are you going?’

  ‘We have te go, Martha. It’s gettin late,’ she said, trying to make peace between the demands I looked like making and the quiet but surly Sally and what she wanted.

  ‘Are you leaving already, Ma? Sure, you got here no length of time ago,’ I said, looking from one to the other of them. Sally turned away, like this had nothing to do with her, she was only doing the ma a favour. The ma was chewing the inside of her lip, blinking, with her face pushed into a half-smile. She was nervous about upsetting me but more afraid of getting left out in the cold by Sally.

  ‘But, Ma, I need a break! I think one of you should stay the night. He’s getting bad, Ma,’ I whispered, wanting to get her the picture of Jackser. ‘I didn’t want to leave him on his own. I will be down in the sitting room, just to get a bit of a break, Ma. We can’t leave him on his own!’ I said, desperate to get them to stay.

  Sally moved off, saying, ‘I have te go. Come on, Ma, if ye’re comin!’

  ‘We can’t stay, Martha. We have te get goin,’ me ma whispered, wanting to get herself outa here.

  ‘OK then, but …’ I wanted to say something sharp! Put a fire under their arses! But what’s the point? ‘OK, bye, Ma. Bye, Sally. See you! I’m going down for another cigarette,’ I said, ‘then I’m going to get meself a bit of fresh air.’

  ‘Yeah, goodbye now, Martha,’ she whispered, then moved herself back in a few steps to get a look at Jackser, feeling herself getting pulled in different directions. But knowing the one she wanted was out the door with Sally, making sure Sally got her taxi home. Fuck me! The idea of it! Getting the bus home? Never! ‘Oh, sweet fuckin Sally, you are a priceless piece of work. No doubt about that!’ I snorted to meself, rushing off up the passage, getting speed from the fire rushing around me belly with the annoyance and rage coming over me.

  I sat down and lit up the cigarette, thinking it is me overreacting because I’m tired, banjacksed! Anything could set me off. But I will never be able to do this again for Jackser. Somehow he needs someone doing something for him without wanting something back. Maybe it’s to do with the way he was robbed of his childhood. Maybe it’s because I remember the times when he threw me a bit of kindness. Whatever it is, I don’t want him to think he was a complete failure. There he is now, up there dying a thousand deaths and all alone. He has children of his own but there’s not one here now as he’s coming to his end. It doesn’t matter if he brought it on himself or not. What matters is he is alone. He just wasn’t lucky enough to have had even one person in his family to say, ‘Bye, Da. Ye were a bastard. You were a thunderin bollocks! Ye were some fuckin cowboy! But you were my da, an I still love you! We’re goin te miss you, ye aul fucker! Do ye hear tha? But, yeah, when all is said an done, you were still my da. So take it easy when ye get there. Don’t be askin God if he’s tryin te come the hound wit ye, because he won’t take any aul guff outa you!’

  I dragged the curtains, pushing them back out of the way, seeing the darkened ward lit up from the light on the corridor and the one burning over the washbasin. Everyone was long sound asleep. The dead quiet all up and down the corridor was suddenly disturbed by a lid getting slammed on something metal, then the sound of gushing water. It’s probably one of the night nurses washin
g a bedpan, I thought, letting the sound distract me. But it couldn’t drown out the sound of Jackser ailing. I sat and stood, getting up every few minutes to lean close into him. There was a change coming over him – his breathing was starting to get louder and I could hear a rattle in his chest. I stared at him, seeing his chin lift with nearly every breath that hit him. But it wasn’t coming like it should, not like his usual breathing. That was bad, but this was like his lungs is getting tired, getting ready to stop. I looked at his face, seeing him look like he was alert, aware of it. It wouldn’t show unless you were really tuned in to how he normally sleeps – dead, out for the count. Now, though, he had a pained look on his face.

  ‘Are ye all right, Jackser?’ I said, squeezing his hand.

  His arm moved, then he gave a little moan, like a cough.

  ‘Can you hear me, Jackser?’ I whispered, standing up and bending down, looking right into his face. His breathing got worse then his face moved. He’s coming around.

  ‘You’re all right! Take it easy,’ I said, loud enough for him to hear it. ‘I’m here with you. It’s me, Martha. Don’t worry, you’re all right. I’m right beside you. Here, can you feel my hand holding you?’ I said, leaning into him and putting me other hand on his head, looking down into his face.

  Then his breathing came in loud gasps and his eyes suddenly opened. I leant my head straight into his face, letting him see me. He didn’t seem to be looking at me. His eyes were glazed over, like he was seeing something I couldn’t see.

  Jesus! Something’s happening, I thought, feeling my body spring into alert, with my feet keeping me rooted. My mind flew, thinking a million thoughts.

  ‘Can you hear me, Jackser? Me ma was in and Sally. They were here sitting beside you! Everyone came in, but they’re gone home for a while. It’s late, but you’re all right, I’m not going anywhere. Do you need the nurse?’

  Then his eyes shifted, coming alive as the hazy look cleared. He looked at me like he really was seeing me. We stared at each other. I could see the confusion and the shock as he wondered what was happening to him. Then his eyes changed, becoming clearer, more intense as the life soared through him. He was looking at me now like he wanted to tell me something.

  ‘It’s OK, Jackser. You have made it all this way,’ I said, whispering to him. ‘Don’t be afraid. Nothing can happen to you. I’m here with you! Just hang on to my hand.’

  He gripped it, then his lips moved, letting out a rasped whisper.

  ‘What? Are you trying to say something, Jackser? What did you say?’ I said, bending down with my ear close to his lips.

  ‘Than … gasp!’

  I held my breath, desperately trying to hear what he wanted to tell me. ‘What, Jackser?’ I whispered, seeing my breath go inside his open mouth.

  ‘God bless ye, may he forgive me! I’m …’ he gasped, but didn’t finish.

  I lifted my head to look at him, but then he let his eyes close again. He now looked so weary. The effort had dug everything out of him; it had used up that surge of life, sinking him even lower.

  I stayed still, holding my breath, afraid to break what was happening with making a sound, letting my breath go, or even stirring myself with making a movement. ‘Listen,’ I whispered, ‘I’m going to go and get the nurse. I have to let go of your hand for a minute. OK, Jackser?’ I said softly, letting the question lie for a minute, keeping the stillness as he struggled to get another breath that sounded like it wasn’t going to come. The gaps were too long and he held his chest rigid, with everything in him trying to force that air to come.

  I let go of his hand and moved fast, making for the passage and down to where I thought I heard a sound coming from, trying to find a nurse. I turned me head in and out of darkened wards – no sign of a nurse. I rushed back, heading towards the top end of the passage.

  ‘Nurse!’ I shouted, in a loud whisper, seeing a nurse come out of a ward, shoving something in her pocket. ‘Quick! It’s Jackser!’

  ‘What? Is there a change? What’s happening?’

  ‘Can you come quick?!’ I said, seeing her walk towards me with her mind on a pin that got loose, letting her bib fall from her chest. She stuck the pin in and pulled down her apron, then took off into a run behind me. We flew into the ward, seeing Jackser with his chest going rigid, suspended in the air. I could hear the rattles.

  ‘He’s bad, Nurse!’

  She rushed over and grabbed his wrist, then put her hand on his chest. ‘We need to get your mother in here, Martha! She’s going to have to be quick!’

  ‘Oh, Jesus! How are we going to do that?’ I said, looking at her, then down at Jackser.

  ‘I will phone her!’

  ‘What? How?’

  ‘We have her home phone number,’ she said, giving me a look that thought I was odd not knowing that! Then it passed and she shook her head up and down, whispering in a matter-of-fact way, ‘Yes, she has a phone.’

  ‘Jesus! Brilliant!’ I said, shocked at the idea the ma had a telephone in her home.

  She was out the door and heading straight for the nurses’ station. I went in and grabbed Jackser’s hand, leaning over him. ‘Take it easy, Jackser. Me ma is coming. We’re all here! You’re OK, just take it easy,’ I kept murmuring quietly, speaking in a low whisper as I stroked his face, squeezing his hand bending over him. I watched as his eyes opened, staring straight at me. I could hear the death rattles getting worse; they were coming louder.

  ‘Jackser! I want to say this to you. Charlie and me sat up all night with you. Charlie wanted to be with you. He didn’t like you being sick and in here on your own. I want to tell you something, Jackser. You were not all bad. You see, you couldn’t be, Jackser, or what would I be doing here? You had a kind heart. It came out when your nerves weren’t getting the better of you,’ I said quietly, staring into his terrified eyes, seeing he was hanging on to me, listening to my every word. He is so alone in his terror, it fills him, makes him desperate for the whispered word of mercy, the gentle touch of comfort. He must dare not be alone – the suffering is too great.

  ‘Jackser,’ I whispered, ‘I have learned a lot through you. Oh, it has been hell sitting here going back down the days of my life with you, but lately, I don’t know, but something strange has been happening between you and me. I sensed it all through these days and nights I have been sitting here talking to you. I knew you were listening to me, but now I suddenly have a sense that it was even more than that. It feels like while I was sitting here talking, that our spirits were actually walking together. You wanted to let me feel what it was to be you, and I had a terrible need to understand why we had so much suffering. I felt the heart in you, I felt your suffering, I felt your pain that you couldn’t get life right, it wouldn’t work out the way you wanted. The demons tormenting your mind persecuted you. You knew it was all wrong the way you made us suffer, and I felt your sorrow. It feels like our spirits have been communicating so very much, but I am only aware of a bit of it. I think it really came, though, from the young you communicating with the child I once was. But I sense you have taught me a lot, because you care and it was important to you. The spirit of the young child in me needed to know and you wanted her to understand. I feel very peaceful now deep inside myself. That’s what you wanted to give me – peace and understanding, because deep inside you was a very kind man. I do forgive you, Jackser. Thank you for giving me that wonderful gift. It will set me free. Now I want to see you go in peace.

  ‘Thank you for all the advice you gave me, Jackser. Thanks for teaching me to read the clock. You taught me to write me own name,’ I said, wanting to get everything out now in a hurry. Things were coming to me that I didn’t even know I remembered.

  ‘Thanks for teaching me about horses! I even went hacking out on them for a while in the Phoenix Park, until I nearly brained meself. But you taught me a lot. I really enjoyed that. I even made a few bob on the Grand National. I picked out a fifty-to-one. But he had what you would be looking for! The ea
rs pinned up, the skinny legs – he was wide awake, Jackser! I just knew he would be the one,’ I said, wanting to see the life dance in his eyes and a smile come to his face as the tears for his great loss poured down my cheeks. He will never smile again, or get a second chance.

  ‘Jackser, I want you to go easy in your mind. I want you to have a bit of peace. Let yourself go, Jackser! Just take your bit of peace. There’s people waiting for you. Your mother is waiting. Just let yourself ease away, Jackser. You’re going to be all right. Your mother will take care of you. Remember how you used to tell me that she was always worrying about you? Well,’ I said, bending down into his face, talking straight into his wide-open, staring eyes, with his chest gasping sounds that came out in quick death rattles. ‘You’re going home to your mother, Jackser. Take it easy now. Let go,’ I whispered softly. ‘Don’t be afraid.’

  Suddenly his eyes widened then slowly closed, while his chest collapsed without taking another breath and I held meself rigid, listening to the sudden silence. I watched as his face changed and seemed to relax, then everything went still. I let my breath go so gently I could hardly feel it. I just stayed staring at him, letting my mind take in he’s gone. He’s gone – he’s dead! Jackser’s dead, I repeated in me mind.

  I lifted up his hand that rested on his stomach, with my left hand still gripped in his. His hand still feels warm, yet he’s gone. I released my hand gently and stood back, staring at him. His face had settled into a more peaceful look.

  ‘Rest in peace, Jackser. Your cross was a heavy one. The Almighty Father was a hard taskmaster when he gave you that to carry; it was too much to bear. We all suffered, but your curse was to struggle harder and longer. May you now find the peace you did not find in this valley of tears that was your life,’ I whispered, staring down at him.

  The nurse crept in behind me. ‘Your mother is on her way,’ she whispered, taking in Jackser looking very peaceful as she gently let her hand rest on my shoulder. ‘He’s at peace now, Martha. He looks very peaceful,’ she whispered, as the two of us continued to stare at him. Then she looked at her watch, lifting it up off her chest. ‘Ten minutes to four a.m.,’ she whispered, staring down at her watch then looking up at me. ‘That’s the time of his death,’ she said, dropping the watch and letting it rest on her chest, then saying to me, ‘I’ll get you a cup of tea. Do you want to go down to the room and have a cigarette? I will let you know when your mother arrives.’