I took her left hand in both of mine, squeezing them together as I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “Hey Charlie. It’s Jhett, again. Your parents left to go eat some lunch, so I guess we get to spend some time together today. You know the drill, if you can hear me just squeeze my hand.” The nurses told us we should talk to her, that she could hear us, but she probably wouldn’t be able to respond.
I continued to talk to her about my day and how things with her parents were going. I joked that they were freakishly nice to me, and that I must have hit my head, too, because I fully expected the wrath of them to come down hard. But they never did. I told her that they loved her so much, and that they always made sure someone was with her; she was never alone.
I apologized to her countless times. I explained how I hoped that somehow she would understand and forgive me, but that I knew there was a chance she wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t blame her for it if she felt that way. I told her that I meant every word I ever said to her, including that I loved her, because I would never know love or pain like this ever again.
After an hour or so of my one-sided conversation, I leaned forward on her bed and rested on my elbow next to her. I shoved my other hand into the pocket of my hoodie and pulled out the same box I presented to her just a little over a week before. I snuck the necklace out of the bag of her possessions before her parents had the chance to go through them. The EMTs broke the chain as they worked on Charlie, but now it was as good as new.
I held it up and let the seashell spin around in the air. “I don’t know how you’re going to feel about me when you wake up, but I hope you don’t forget everything you felt about me.” I let the necklace fall into her now open palm and closed her fingers around the gold chain. I shut my eyes and reveled in the moment.
My heart stopped. There was movement underneath my fingers for the first time. My eyes flew open in disbelief, and I looked down at Charlie’s pale hand still clenched around the necklace. “Babe, please prove to me I’m not crazy and do that again.” As if she heard every word, she responded back with another faint squeeze. “I knew it. Charlie, open your eyes. Let me see those beautiful eyes of yours,” I urged her, her squeezes becoming more frequent and stronger.
And then it happened. She blinked her eyes open for the first time since the accident. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her side. I didn’t want to share this moment with anyone else. This moment was ours.
It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the florescent light around me, but almost instantly I could feel every ache and pain I was, for the most part, blissfully unaware of take over my body. I groaned as the new sensations ran through me.
“Charlie?” A shaky voice spoke next to me on the bed.
Seeing Jhett’s sleep-deprived face staring at me with disbelief was more than I could take. I broke down around myself. I didn’t care about anything that happened. I just wanted things to be okay again. “I could hear you…” was all I managed to choke out from my excruciatingly dry throat while my whole body shook from crying.
Jhett didn’t leave me to cry alone. His arms found their place around me, careful not to get caught up in any of the wires that extended from my body. The strength in my arms disappeared as soon as I tucked my head into his chest.
He pulled away from me disappointingly soon, his face still white and pale; I thought he might be the one to pass out instead of me. Neither of us spoke. I don’t know if it was because there were no words to explain how we felt, or that we were scared that one of us would confirm the other’s fears, but looking into the terrified face across from me, I knew I couldn’t turn away from him ever again.
“I’m so sorry.” The words spilled out without hesitation.
Jhett stopped me from continuing almost immediately. “Don’t - just don’t. You have no need to apologize. I’m the one who should be sorry. You were right, Charlie. I should have told you that I was the reason Cameron went anywhere that night. If it weren’t for me, none of this would’ve happened. Cameron would still be alive, you wouldn’t be lying here like this in the hospital, and the baby would still be okay. I did all of this.” His body sank into the back of the chair, and he let his guilt consume him.
The room began to fade in and out around me. The medicine they pumped into my body must have messed with my head. Jhett’s words didn’t make any sense. “What are you talking about? What baby?” Flashes of the accident passed through my thoughts again, causing me to gasp. “Was there a baby in the other car? Oh my God – are they okay?” A rush of adrenaline pulsed through my veins and I sat straight up in bed.
Jhett’s face fell. Something was wrong, very wrong. “Charlie, I’m so sorry…” He watched me intently, as if I was going to break at any given second. “You couldn’t have known…the doctors said it was so early…there was nothing they could do.” Jhett’s voice started to fade away, and soon was replaced with a high-pitched ringing in my ears.
My whole body went numb. I watched in slow motion as my palm opened and the necklace Jhett placed into my hand fell onto the floor. I understood what he meant me, but it couldn’t be true. There had to be some mistake. There was no way I was pregnant. I thought we were cautious. “You’re lying. Stop it,” I screamed at him, my throat raw from the sudden overuse of my voice. I couldn’t hear Jhett’s response over my screams. “Just stop it! You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I continued to yell over and over.
Suddenly the room was filled with people rushing in every direction around me. I refused to look at any of them. I didn’t want to do anything but continue to scream and cry, until there were no more tears left in my body. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. There was nothing anyone could do to make everything okay again.
A solid set of arms grabbed me and yanked me backwards from where I stood next to Charlie’s bed. I fought hard against them as they attempted to pull me from the room. There was no way I was going down without a fight, and this time, I had something to fight for. It wasn’t until I recognized that the hands I fought against belonged to Charlie’s dad, that I stopped throwing reckless punches into the air.
“What the hell is wrong with you? What happened to letting us know if she woke up? What about everything the doctors said? You think that just because you’re some punk ass kid with tattoos, you can do whatever the hell you want? That’s my daughter in there screaming because of you!” Charlie’s dad hovered a few inches above me. He was a broad, thick man, and his attitude did a complete one-eighty. The thing he didn’t realize was that I was so far gone; his words couldn’t hurt me anymore. The only pain I craved was physical.
“And that’s the woman I love in there; the woman who lost our child. I should be the one who’s in there with her. Not anyone else.” I shouted at him and spectators began to poke their heads out of rooms to witness the scene that unfolded around them. I knew that it was only a matter of minutes before my anger really took over and things got nasty.
“You saw what happened when you were in there just now. I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he threatened me.
Mrs. Jennings appeared in the hall, quietly slipping out of Charlie’s room and letting the door click shut behind her. It was difficult to look at her for too long – Charlie was the spitting image of her mother, minus about thirty years.
“Jhett, I think you should go. Charlie doesn’t want to see you,” Mrs. Jennings spoke her first complete sentence to me since she arrived. I stared at her in disbelief.
“Then I’ll come back tomorrow, when she’s ready.” I stood up tall in an attempt to match her dad’s stature, and took a step forward. I wanted them to know that I wasn’t going to back down.
Charlie’s mom was the one to stop my advances this time. “I think it’s a good idea if you go home and forget about her completely. She’s already been through enough, and she doesn’t need to be distracted anymore by some love-struck child. If you come back again, I will have security escort yo
u out.” Her words cut through me like a knife. I just witnessed the unpleasant part of Charlie’s mom that all of her childhood stories consisted of.
“I’m not a child and neither is she. I love your daughter, and if you don’t see that she needs me by her side now more than ever, you’re not just blind, you’re crazy, too.” I couldn’t stand there and fight with them any longer. It was pointless, and I knew that I had to get out of that hospital before I lost it completely. “This is bullshit!” I reacted the only way I knew how. My fist made contact with the wall as I walked down the hallway.
I heard gasps from the nurses and shouts from a doctor as I passed, but I kept walking towards the exit. I ignored the security guard as he followed closely behind me. All I knew was that I had to make it to my truck and back home. It killed me to leave Charlie, but if I stayed any longer I would have laid out anyone who stood in my way, and I wasn’t sure how well she would react to that news.
The drive home was a blur. My focus wasn’t on the road in front of me or on the cars around me; it was on the fact that I left my heart behind in that hospital room. I let Charlie down. I let our baby down.
The silence that consumed the house finally made me snap. The hall table was the first to go. I only had to grab it with one hand before it flipped over and slid across the wood floors with ease. The chairs that Charlie and I ate our meals at every day were next in line. Each one shot across the floor at a different angle, the sound of cracking wood echoing through the house.
With one sweep of my arm, everything that littered the counter was dumped on the floor. Glass shattered as the bowls hit the ground and mixed with the mail I let pile up over the past week. My chest tightened when I looked around and my worst fears were confirmed. I had become my father.
I slammed into the wall with my back and slid down, holding my head in my hands. A beige envelope sat between my legs. I couldn’t break my gaze away from it. It was addressed to Charlotte Jennings.
Without even thinking, I grabbed the envelope and tore it open within seconds. My eyes scanned the typed words before me.
Congratulations on your acceptance to San Diego State University for the Fall Semester.
My blood flowed hot through my veins. I hated myself. I hated everything I ruined for her. She never planned to go back home. She even tried to tell me on her birthday, but I stopped her...and for what? Bow, everything would be different.
Things weren’t supposed to be this way. I didn’t realize how much I craved the normalcy of a relationship, but I would trade my whole life to see her she graduate from college, or hold our children for the first time. But she wouldn’t - because I took that from her, too.
The view of the parking lot from my hospital room’s window was my only glimpse into the real word. I was awake for just a few days, but apparently that was deemed enough time for me to recover, as the doctors no longer saw a need for me to stay in the hospital. I looked down at my arm, now wrapped in a yellow cast and held snug to my chest with a sling.
“The nurse should be here any moment with the papers for you to sign. Are you ready to go home?” My mom had not left me alone since I woke up. She continued to hold conversations with me, even though I refused to respond. I only ate enough to keep me full, and fell asleep any extra moment I was given, even though I continued to cry and yell in my sleep. It angered me that none of this concerned anyone. I turned everything off.
It wasn’t the physical pain that bothered me – I could handle that. It was the gaping hole in my heart that hurt the most. I never expected to learn that I was pregnant and that I would never meet my baby, all in the same day. I also never expected for Jhett to turn his back on me the way he did. He hadn’t even come to see me since he broke the news to me. I needed him. I couldn’t do this alone.
It was my mom who finally made me realize it. She told me about how he flipped out after my dad dragged him from the room. She wouldn’t tell me everything, but she made it clear that he said he was done. Just like that - after everything – it was over. It was karma, though, my payback. After all, I did the same thing to him. I turned my back on him for something that seemed so insignificant now.
I clutched the necklace with sweaty palms in the pocket of my hoodie. There was nothing left in San Diego, but I couldn’t stop Jhett’s words from replaying in my head; telling me that my necklace was a little piece of the beach that would always be with me. It was like he always knew I couldn’t stay.
“You know - you should stop sulking about that boy, Charlotte. If he really loved you, he would have come by to see you after your little outburst,” my mom chimed in again from the chair in the corner of the room. Despite her daughter’s near-death experience, she still lacked any form of compassion.
I continued to stare out of the window while what was left of my heart crumbled. “Heaven forbid my outburst be because I was upset over the fact that I lost my baby. Or does that not count on your list of things to be upset over?” I finally turned to face her; my renewed hatred for her becoming the only emotion I could stand to feel.
A short, bald nurse saved us from having it out in the middle of the room. He explained the details of my recovery, and how I needed to follow up with a doctor in a few weeks. I was only half-listening as I signed the papers, because I knew that once I stepped outside those hospital doors, I would only have a few more days before I left everything in California behind.
I fidgeted in the wheelchair I was forced to ride in while I waited in front of the hospital for my dad to pull their rental car around. When the gold car made its way up through the driveway, my body went numb. This was it.
“Time to go, Charlotte.” My mother held the back door open for me. I refused to let her see the internal battle that raged inside of me as I slid onto across the cool leather seat. My mom reached across my chest and clicked the seatbelt into place. I had no desire to protest her help. I just wanted to get moving.
“Ready, kiddo?” My dad turned around from the driver’s seat before my mom made her way into the car. His unconcerned demeanor caught me by surprise, but it was his knowing smile that really confused me. I could only nod my head in agreement.
I folded my free arm against the one in a cast and watched the buildings move at an agonizingly slow speed, as we made our way to the hotel. I could point out every place we passed by – I went all over these streets with Jhett. Jhett. His name made my emotions real. I couldn’t think about him without feeling as if I made the wrong decision somewhere down the line.
“Are you excited to get back home? Everyone really missed you while you were gone.” My mom made a half-hearted attempt at small talk.
I scoffed at her. “You mean while I was actually out living my life? I bet they missed me because then there was no one around for you to take all your anger out on, was there? Who did you pick on while I wasn’t there?” I could feel myself breaking; I was tearing in two. As much as I hated the thought of going back to Tennessee and resuming the mind-numbing routine that my parents had for me, staying in San Diego alone wasn’t exactly the best option either. Whichever route I took, I knew my heart would never heal.
“Now, now, Charlotte. I’ve turned a blind eye to your little beach adventure and forgave you for getting caught up with that tattooed mess of a man - but the moment we step off that plane, things will return back to normal.” Her perfectly painted face never changed as she stared at me over her shoulder and pushed me to the point of no return.
We passed by a neon sign that to anyone else would have just been a blur in a restaurant window. But I read it as if we weren’t moving at all. The Voodoo Kitchen. Something inside me snapped. All my scrambled thoughts finally fit together. I realized that there was no life for me if I went back with my parents. If I went down that road with them, I wasn’t really living, I was just surviving.
“Stop the car!” I shouted to my dad as I grabbed the headrest in front of me, startling him into tapping the breaks in confusion. “Hurry! Stop the car!�
� My voice continued to rise with each word as I shook the seat beneath my grasp.
My mom turned completely around in her seat and slapped my dad on the shoulder as she faced me. “Michael, You will not stop this car! Do you understand me?” Her cold stare finally landed me, but it was too late. The car was already at a complete stop on the side of the street. “Michael, what are you doing? I thought I told you not to stop the car?”
My hand was on the door handle, ready to escape into the life that waited for me, but my Dad’s newfound backbone kept me from pulling the trigger.
“I heard what you told me to do, Roz, and I’m choosing not to listen.” He didn’t look at either of us as he spoke. It was as if he was having a conversation with a ghost in front of him.
My mother completely ignored him, as she did with anyone she didn’t agree with. “Charlotte Caroline Jennings! You will NOT get out of this car if you know what’s good for you.”
She just threatened me like a child for the last time. With one last deep breath, I flung the door open and stepped onto the sidewalk, shutting the door with unexpected force. That door was the breaking point for my mother. I made something snap inside of her, tpp. She immediately got out of the car herself and walked toward me. Without warning, she grabbed the elbow of my good arm and started to drag me back towards the car.
I pulled out of her grasp, completely unaware of the scene we caused. There was only one thing on my mind – it was time for me to stand up for myself the way I should have done years ago.
“You know what, mother? I think you’re right. I should start taking your advice and doing what’s best for me – not what’s best for you. I’m not the same person that left town a few months ago. I’m a grown woman, and I make my own choices now. It may have took me this long to realize it, but I never wanted to choose Tennessee. I should have followed Cameron when he left, because at least he wasn’t scared to take chances. And I’m not scared anymore either – not of you, or the future, or whatever else comes my way. Right down the street there’s a man who I love, and I don’t know if he even loves me anymore, but I refuse to run away like the scared little girl you think I am, and never find out.” I tried to catch my breath. I wasn’t sure when my dad joined my mother on the sidewalk, but now I stared at both of them, not ready or willing to back down.
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