The Bloody Mary Diet: The Detective Adele Series Book 1

by Caroline Stuchlik

  “I think I will call you Douche Bag.” I say as Demetri starts walking up the grand circular stairs towards me.

  I step on the oval table near the railing to climb on to the enormous entryway chandelier. I hope Demetri will not follow me. The jump from the ground floor is about thirty feet. He is a vampire and I know he can make the jump to it if he wants to but I also know the huge old fixture won’t hold him. The fall will hurt like a bitch and I am hoping he will at least think about it. He doesn’t. He jumps and just like I was afraid he would and the whole thing comes down on top of him, including me, in a rain of crystal and ceiling plaster. He is caught up in the brass work and shattered crystal just long enough for me to run toward the door. I stomp on his face on my way out but he is up and moving before I can even hope to make it out. I bought myself twenty seconds and I am now between Demetri and the door instead of the other way around. My feet are also bleeding.

  I am not sure I have improved my situation very much.

  I feel a second presence moving around the back, but it is not friendly. A second strange vampire comes in the back way. Neither one even has the courtesy to cover their fangs. They are trying to scare me, way too late. I am piss my pants scared and now I have two mean fucking vampires instead of just one.

  The second man informs Demetri that the grounds are clear and we can leave. Demetri turns to me and holds out a hand. He is dripping blood from head to toe but if he feels it at all he doesn’t let it show. I can tell he wants me to fight. To give him an excuse to come after me. To leave more of a mess for Trevor to find. I stand as straight and tall as I can but I will not walk toward him. If he wants to make this ugly he can. He holds his ground. He is not going to give me a single step. This gives me an extra few seconds to think and take stock of my surroundings. That is his final mistake. The bouquet that my Gran gave me as a wedding gift is sitting on a table next to the door.

  I grab the flowers and take them into a tea cup hold, right hand nestled into the left for stability. Just like we learned in weapons training. I manage to hide the majik knife underneath so it looks like I am just pointing a bunch of white baby roses at him. I start to go down on one knee for stability when Demetri starts to laugh.

  “Ivan, the little girl is pointing flowers at me, please you must help.” I think that Ivan would help but he is laughing too hard. They are about thirty feet apart and both are about to fall down laughing. I guess I should have asked Gran how the flowers worked before I pulled them on an actual bad guy. I probably do look kind of funny but I swear the majik radiating from them is staggering. I am surprised I am the only one who feels it. They must be stupider then I thought and I was pretty sure they were really stupid. They know I am a witch for goodness sake. Again with the underestimating. If it didn’t always seem to work in my favor I would probably be offended.

  Demetri recovers from the fun fest faster than I do and grabs the bouquet. He immediately recoils like it bit him but it seems to be stuck to his hand. He thrashes his arm but he can’t let go. I am left only holding the knife. Ivan rushes to his side and try’s to grab the flowers away. I guess he is brave enough to take on some roses but as soon as he touches them he realizes he is stuck too and he starts to scream like a little girl. Both of them are struggling to get away from the flowers like they are on fire but all I can see is two huge men trying to pull away from a bunch of tiny white roses. Odd. This is why you should always keep your cell phone with you. I could be making a video of this to post on the internet later. Instead I will just have to describe it from memory. Totally not the same.

  Demetri turns purple and starts to grab at his chest. I realize he must be having some kind of cardiac event. I didn’t even think he had a heart. I am still holding the dagger and using his hand as a target I slam it in with both hands. Both vampires freeze. They look at me like they have never seen me before and Demetri collapses as smoke starts to rise from the hole in his chest. Ivan starts to scream again and as Demetri falls my dagger pops free and skims across Ivan’s throat. The stench of burning flesh is instantaneous. Ivan has one hand on the flowers and the other on his neck. I use this opportunity to pull back and plunge in a second time. This time into Ivan’s chest. He keeps struggling but Demetri is completely still with his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. It takes eight more try’s to hit Ivan’s heart. It’s way, way harder than it looks on Buffy but in all fairness I think she trained for it a lot more than I did. I bet I have a way, way higher alcohol tolerance then her. I’m just saying. It’s all about what you train for.

  Smoke is rising from the wounds and they are both still holding the flowers. The stench is indescribable and I have to get them out of here before they combust and burn the whole place down. I am glad I haven’t eaten in a few days because I totally do not want to have to clean up puke in addition to whatever the weird black goo is that is gushing out of their wounds. I didn’t even know the body could hold that much fluid. I assume it is burnt blood but I am really trying not to think about it too much.

  I run to the door, throw it open and grab Demetri’s feet. I pull for all I am worth but it is very slow going. Ivan is still joined to Demetri’s hand by the majik flowers with my new dagger still jammed in his chest. By some amazing feat of super human strength I manage to get the whole fucking mess out of the entryway and onto the drive but in all honesty I don’t even know if they are really dead. I don’t even know how to tell. The only sure way I know of is to sever their heads and so I decide that’s what I have to do. I pull out the dagger and start stabbing Demetri in the throat. That is when an old timey Hum V, the real old military kind, pulls up and about fifty vampires pile out. Like a fucking clown car of the undead.

  To summarize, I am barefoot, bloody feet, wearing a very ratty t-shirt, no bra, and pink panties. I am kneeling by two probably dead vampires who seem to be holding hands under a bouquet of white roses while I stab one of them repeatedly in the neck.

  Well…I can’t just wait for his head to fall off, can I? It probably might just fall off eventually but that could be a long wait and really just don’t have that kind of time. Don’t over think it.

  Anyway, it probably looks bad and the one I am currently stabbing is also their king. That is probably bad too. If this day could get any worse please don’t tell me, just let it be a fucking surprise. I can’t wait.

  I really cannot think of a decent outcome for me in this particular situation. A quick and relatively painless death is probably too much to hope for at this point. Every other outcome I can think of is much, much worse. Way more messy and painful than any I would have chosen if given a choice. Then they do something that I had not even considered an option. All of a sudden all fifty vampires take a knee and say, and I am not joking, in unison, “Long live queen….” They kind of stop and look at me and I add, “Cate?”

  “Long live Queen Cate!!!” It’s like the scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy kills the evil witch and everyone cheers. Only it smells really bad and I am covered in black stinky goo. And I don’t have a dog. Or ruby slippers. But you get the picture.

  The new vampires finish cutting of Demetri and Ivan’s heads for me. I am really not sure if they are doing it because it is necessary or because they just think I want them to. I don’t have the nerve to ask. It turns out that Demetri and Ivan were not really all that popular with the rest of the vampire community and they all seem terrifyingly ready to welcome me into the new roll of queen. I have no clue what this job entails but they are all so eager to please me and clean up the mess I made killing Demetri that I just don’t feel like I can say no. Plus it must just be a vampire thing because they are all incredibly hot. Even Demetri and Ivan were hot. If they weren’t completely evil sadists and I had any friends I might have set them up.

  Trevor and Michaels show up just before the other vampires are about to leave. I start to tell them about the break in and how Demetri had threatened me when the lead guy steps forward. I stop talking because he seems to ha
ve something to say and at six foot four two hundred eighty pounds anything you say becomes very, very important in my book. I can talk later. Or never, whatever works.

  Marcus, as he introduces himself, tells them, “This is Catherine, Queen of the West, ruler of all who reside here by right of challenge and the death of Demetri Brovink, and his second Ivan the Bloody.” He introduces me to my husband and Michael as Queen of the West, Catherine.

  I think they stopped listening at the part about killing Demetri because Michaels goes down on one knee and bows his head. After a second Trevor does the same. I am about to cry.

  Trevor and Michaels stand up and look at me. I am going to cry. I need their support in this. I need them to say it’s okay and that they will show me how to do it. I finally have something I really need and they are just staring at me like I just grew a second head.

  Michaels says, “You killed Demetri. You are the queen.”

  “I don’t want to be queen. I am not even a vampire. I’m not even a very good at being witch. I will quit and we can all just go back to the Odd Squad and forget this ever happened.” At this point I am crying. It has never been this personal before. Gran is not here. I don’t know what to do.

  “You can’t just quit being queen. The only way out is by challenge and a challenge is a fight to the death.” Trevor punches Michaels and tells him to shut up.

  Trevor walks over and hugs me. “One thing at a time. We will get a team together and we will make it work. I promise. Then we will figure out the rest. Everything will be fine.”

  I feel myself calming down and I know he is compelling me. I am glad. I need it. It’s like a nice stiff drink without the calories or the hangover. Calm, skinny and sober. That’s me.

  Marcus and the others bow again and start to leave. Before he gets in the truck Marcus walks over and tells me that I have their full support, “Demetri had no honor and he would have destroyed the community if you had not stopped him. We are all in your debt.”

  “I was really just trying to stop him from torturing and killing me but thanks. You guys have been really amazing. I would have taken much longer to cut off their heads by myself. And the stinky goo stuff.”

  Marcus laughs. I will have to ask Trevor about the head cutting off thing later. I am still really not sure if it was necessary and if it wasn’t necessary I need to find a way to explain why I was doing it. I don’t think Hallmark makes a card that says “Sorry I made you cut off your dead kings head. My bad I thought we had to. For reals.”

  Maybe I can just make one.

  I ask Marcus if we could all meet here next week and try to figure out where we want to go from here. He hands me his card and Trevor hands him one of his and Michaels. Marcus gives me a Roman salute and leaves. Holly crap, is Marcus Roman?

  Chapter 13: Not Really Done at All

  Apparently by killing the ruling king I have become queen. I know that this sounds like a good thing but it really is not. All that it really means is that I can tell all the vampires on the western sea board of the U.S. what to do. I really don’t care what they do as long as they don’t bother me or kill anyone else. The killing rule is already in place. Not the bothering part but the killing part. So basically all I get to do is worry about the next person who does want to tell them what to do and is willing to kill me for the privilege. There is not even any jewelry involved. It’s a shit job that doesn’t pay at all and I am not able to give it back without dying. I am going back to the Odd Squad because so far retirement is way worse.

  As soon as I got a chance I called Gran and Charles in Ireland to ask them about the flowers and how they worked. Gran looked confused and asked, “What flowers, dear.”

  “The ones you gave me for my wedding…to Trevor”

  “Your wedding? Oh congratulations dear, Charles and I are so happy for you. We will bring home a gift. I could just cry, Trevor is such a good man. You will be so happy.”

  Auntie Charles just smiles. This is going nowhere. Gran doesn’t remember the flowers and Charles isn’t saying. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

  As Trevor and I get ready for bed I realize that we have been married for over a week and he hasn’t really touched me since the first night. I see him looking at me and it seems like he wants to but something is holding him back. At first I thought it might be my super black eyes and swollen nose but now they are really just purple and he is still not making a move. Something is wrong. Maybe chicks with broken noses and traumatic head injuries just don’t do it for him. Everybody has their kink.

  When Trevor got home today after the Demetri thing he was in a complete panic. He and Michaels both felt my distress from clear across town. He thought I would be dead before he could get here and that would have killed him, maybe even literally. This is something we are going to have to just work out together. I am always going to be more vulnerable than him and I will never fit in his pocket so he can’t just keep me with him. We are going to have to find a level of risk that we can both live with and allows us both to function.

  Being Queen will probably not help because it will put a permanent target on me that just being a cop would not. I hope that we can put together an agreement that will give enough of his people a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and by that I mean keep me alive. The only way out of this job is in a box. He is even less pleased then me by my new royal status but what can you do?

  Trevor and Michael will act as my champions if I am challenged. This is an option given to all rulers but no vampire would accept it because all vampires are male and they don’t want to look weak. I don’t want to look dead and weak is actually a look that has always worked for me. I am fine with it.

  Michaels, is more than fine, he is thrilled that he and Trevor will act as my champions if I am challenged. Like I said, Michaels adores violence and if given a half decent reason he will fuck you up proper with a smile on his face. I am really glad he likes me. I like him, too.

  That just leaves me working things out with Trevor or as I have started calling him, T. It was that or Sugar Bunny, I let him pick. We are married and I wanted pet names. I didn’t get a dress or a party or a honeymoon and I don’t think that pet names are unreasonable. T says he will still just call me Cate. We will work on that as well.

  Which brings me back to my current situation. I am in my closet looking for something to wear to bed when I see the black lace thing that Auntie Charlie sent me for my wedding. My normal crappy black t-shirt is covered with smelly black goo so maybe this could serve as both a substitute and an incentive. I am willing to try. The teddy is all lace with some small push up support under my boobs and the robe is just a piece of imagination. As in I am pretty sure it is not really there at all. I put on a pair of black high heels and some blood red lip stick. I am bending over combing out my hair when I hear the bedroom door close behind me. I had not heard it open. When I toss my hair back T is standing there. I don’t think we are going to have to talk after all.

  Chapter 14: Changes

  Later that week we have more than worked things out. Any concerns I had about T not liking me anymore have been totally erased. The only regret I have is not giving him a chance sooner. He is amazing. I don’t want to go overboard but he is beyond a doubt almost good enough for me and there is not another man on this earth I would say that about. I don’t have anything to compare it too but I know I could not live without him. I don’t think I have slept more the three hours a night since we made up or whatever you want to call it.

  I talked Auntie Charles and asked what he did to that black teddy and he said he had just bought it. No majik involved. I climb up on the head board and pull my teddy down from the light fixture. Holding it close I feel for any traces of majik. Charles was right. It is just a lace teddy. T is still at work. I run and grab my credit card and go on an on- line shopping spree. Apparently my ratty old t-shirt is going to have to be set aside for sick days only. I also order a tiara. I totally deserve one.

&n
bsp; When T comes home tonight I am going to jump him.

  I have started putting on make-up for bed. My life is awesome.

  Next week I will be going back to work with T and we will have our meeting with the vampire community leaders tomorrow. We will work out the details but Roman, my new vampire friend, says it is in everyone’s best interest to keep me in power. I don’t want or need anything from them and I have a vested interest in keeping them safe. For one thing my husband and his bestie are two to them. I guess that is two things.

  Everything is great when all of a sudden I have a crushing sensation in my chest. I can’t breathe and the pain is excruciating. I feel like I am having a heart attack but then the pain starts to spread. It fills me from my head to the tips of my toes. I have no idea what is happening but I know I am going to pass out. My vision is starting to fill with white light and I am getting sick. I lean against the wall and lower myself to the floor.

  That is the last thing I remember before T is shaking me and saying my name over and over. I get the feeling he has been here a while and several hours have definitely passed. The last time I looked at the clock it was three and now it is almost eight. Something very strange has happened. T is staring at me as he helps me up and we go to the bed room. Instead of the bed he pulls me to the dresser. I look in the mirror and I almost don’t recognize me. My hair is longer and shinier. My eyes are bigger and more blue and my skin is paler and flawless and my lips are fuller. I look like I have been photo shopped but it’s me, just me.

  I turn to Trevor, “What is happening, what is going on?”

  He stares at me for a minute then pulls out his cell to call Michaels. He holds up a finger to me and takes a picture first. He sends it to Michael and I want to punch him. I don’t. Domestic violence is wrong even if he is being an insensitive asshat. Plus last time I hit him I hurt my hand.