Finn Beckett

by Mj Fields

  “Not River,” I say through even more tears.

  “Who you been talking to?”

  “Tally,” I answer and increase my hold on him.

  “He’s changed his mind. We made up. He was feeling slighted.” He laughs. “Gotta sit back. I wanna see your face, those amber eyes, and the reaction when I tell you this next part.”

  I sit back and wipe the tears away, and he helps me, smiling. God, his smile is so bright, his eyes so clear. Finn is such a beautiful soul. I was so wrong about him. So was she.

  “Because of you, I faced my home for the first time in my life. Because of you, I looked through selfless eyes at the band you suggested and wanted them to be successful. I didn’t feel like everyone was out to get me.”

  “I’m so happy for you.”

  “I told my father the week I dropped you off at the hospital that I loved him for the first time in my life, and I had only told that to one other person before.”

  The tears fall harder.

  “Because of you, I look at so many things in a new light, Yaya, my beautiful, strong friend. Because of you, I realized that, in order to love—to truly love—you have to feel it, too. My father never said the words to me; my mother never did, either. I said it to him because I felt it in return.”

  I am sobbing now.

  “I know without a doubt that I feel it from you. You have shown it to me, and I am so fucked up on you. I am so lucidly fucked up that I know without a doubt I am in love for the first time in my life, because I feel it for you and from you. Baby, there is no one who has ever made me feel this way. I love you madly, deeply, with my body, mind, heart, and soul.”

  I kiss him. I kiss him hard, and I cry harder.

  He pulls back after a moment and wipes my tears dry, kisses my cheek, and says, “Sell this fucking place, a place you think of as a safe haven when in reality you are a prisoner to it. Sell it, Sonya, and move to Jersey. You and Noah move there to be near a perfectly fucked up family I know will make you feel the kind of love you deserve and want you and your little man to be happy. I want you, too. Fuck, I need you.”

  “Finn, I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something that may change your mind. God, I should have told you before, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Before I do anything, you need to know something, something that may make you hate me.”

  “I could never hate you, never. Love doesn’t work like that.”

  “Do you hate her?” I ask as I step off the bed, walk to my dresser, and pull out the journal.

  “Who, Sonya? Who the hell are you talking about?” He laughs.

  “Jesse.”

  He stops laughing immediately and his face turns white.

  I hold up the journal. “When I was at the White’s house, I found this journal. My mother had just gone to jail, and I had just found out I was pregnant. I was scared, alone, and had no idea what I was going to do”—I hold up the book—“until I found this and read about her being pregnant and you begging her to keep it, promising her you would take care of them, that you’d become a family.”

  I stop and wait for a reaction, but I don’t get one. He is expressionless and his eyes are getting murky.

  “I made my decision to tell Johnny. I knew he would want the same thing. I was sure he loved me like the Finn in the book loved Jesse. She loved you, Finn, but she was too messed up to—”

  He stands. “I don’t want to discuss her.”

  “Please, if you don’t want to talk to me, just listen.” His jaw tenses as he stares at me. “I told Johnny about being pregnant and expected him to do exactly what you did. I thought we would be happy and”—I close my eyes and swallow down my emotions—“he wasn’t, Finn. He wasn’t, and I couldn’t hate him even after what he did. I couldn’t hate him, because if I did, I felt like I would hate part of my son, so I hated you because you were the reason I didn’t hide it and told him. So in my scared, messed up head, you were just as much to blame for me getting attacked as he was, maybe more so.

  “I hated you because of the lies in this book. I hated you, and when I was asked to do the job for Stevie, I jumped at the chance because I wanted to be strong, and I wanted to face you because I hated you.

  “I needed to hate you, but I needed a reason to hate you even more because it made me stronger. I wanted to make you hate women. I wanted to expose you for the fraud I thought you were. In my mind, it would validate me and my choices.

  “Then I saw you. Then I saw you and realized how fucked up I was, how fucked up she was, and how perfect you are, and I hated me. But you wouldn’t give up on me, Finn. You wouldn’t, and now you love me, and I love you so much. I tried to—”

  “You love me?” He laughs in anger. “You said you hated me.”

  “No, this made me—” I stop and hand it to him. “This girl who didn’t deserve you, this book and her lies about you, they made me think I hated you, because—”

  “Enough!”

  “Finn, don’t be mad at me. Try to understand. I wanted to tell you. I tried.” I stop when I realize he isn’t paying any attention to my lunatic ramblings. “Please read the book. Please—”

  I stop when he throws the book across the room, and it smashes against the picture. The book bounces down and falls into the vase holding the flowers Noah and I had bought. The water splashes up and hits the now broken frame and trickles down the side of my face in the photo like tears.

  I turn back to see he is walking out the door.

  “Finn, please don’t go. Please understand. Oh, God, Finn, I love you! Please don’t go,” I say as he disappears out of sight.

  I turn back to the photo, and I crumble to the floor and sob.

  I walk in to Forever Four the day after our last show. I’m hung-over and pissed that I had to come in. I mean, who the fuck plans a ten o’clock meeting the day after the last concert in a sold out run? Xavier Steel, that’s who.

  I walk in to the conference room, finding Taelyn and Xavier are the only ones in.

  “What the fuck? Everyone else say fuck it?” I plop down and lean back in the chair.

  “No, actually we just wanted to meet with you alone to go over something.”

  “Something?” I ask “This something couldn’t have waited till noon?”

  “We have a decision to make about Sonya’s employment at Forever Four, and since you are one of the founding members of this company, we want your opinion.”

  No one has mentioned her; they all know better. I assume Tally and she are in contact since the PR and social media shit is still running the same way, but no one has mentioned her. Even when I try to get them to, they don’t.

  “I have no bearing on who you hire and fire.”

  “Okay then, how would you feel if we extended her contract?”

  Good, I’d feel fucking good because she’s fucking crazy and needs it, I think to myself, but the reality is, hell yes, I want what is best for her.

  “Will she be touring with the band?”

  “No, she won’t. She will work remotely. But if we have our way, she’ll be here a few days a month,” Taelyn answers. “But we have to make sure it’s okay with you.”

  “You afraid of losing me?”

  “Of course we are, but she also insisted we make sure. She doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for you.”

  “If she doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for me, then why the fuck is she telling you my personal business?”

  “Your personal business directly involves her future. It’s not like she told us you had a three-inch dick or sucked in bed.” Xavier laughs.

  “Well, if she did, she’d be lying.” I pull my beanie farther down.

  “Lying like you are to yourself?” Xavier asks.

  I stand up slowly. “Listen to me and listen well. I’m not the one who needs a pep talk or cares to be a part of your little fucking conference room talk show. I’m not Memphis. I’m not going to head down to Forever Steel and get your stamp on me o
r have your guy stick a needle in my dick. What I will do is continue writing music, playing shows, and behaving on stage. I will remain part of this cult-like work environment you’re trying to create. But you don’t get to put your nose in my personal business unless my dick has been inside of you, get it?” I don’t wait for an answer. I walk out, hearing Xavier laugh.

  “He’s an angry, little elf, isn’t he?”

  Fucker, I think as I walk out the doors of Forever Four.

  ***

  I can’t fucking write. My muse has left me, and I am consumed by anger at myself for believing I could live a normal life. I jam with the band, but I am unable to write a damn thing that isn’t gonna make me sound and feel like a fool.

  It’s been two weeks since I walked into Forever Four. I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I won’t. They think I’m in woodshed mode, but I’m far fucking from it.

  I look up when River and Billy walk in.

  “You aren’t ready?” Billy asks.

  “For what?”

  “The house warming get together at Memphis and Tales’ new place.”

  “Nah, I’m gonna write,” I tell them.

  “Bullshit,” River says. “They have been waiting to have this party because they don’t think you can handle your shit. We’ve all been pussy-footing around you for long enough. Let’s roll.”

  I look at him. “Are you fucked up?”

  He laughs. “No, asshole. I’ve been off of everything since we got in our little lover’s quarrel. Now either get your ass to the door, or I swear I’m gonna come over and kiss you all over that fucking bush on your face.”

  I look at Billy ’cause I don’t fucking believe it.

  “He’s sober. Nice you could notice. Now let’s go, or I’m gonna take pictures of him licking your bush face and post ’em all over social media.”

  “I’m really into this right now,” I say, trying to get them to back off.

  Neither budges.

  “Fine, but I am going for an hour, two max, and then back to work.”

  ***

  We roll into the driveway, and I look out the back window.

  “Impressive,” I say as I step out, and it is: beachfront property, two-story house with an attached garage that is also two stories. The siding and the landscaping are new. It’s lit up by sidewalk lights leading to a screened in porch.

  We walk inside where I see Xavier and Taelyn, Nickie D, the guys from Inappropriate Thoughts, and Memphis and Tales.

  The lead singer raises his bottle to me and nods.

  “They sign?” I ask.

  Billy laughs. “Yeah, about a month ago. Where the fuck have you been?”

  I follow Billy and River over to the lead singer. He’s tall and lean, inked down his arms and up his neck. He has a Mohawk and nose piercing.

  “Deeds, you remember Finn?”

  “Sure do. Nice to see you again, and thanks for the heads up on Stockton and intro to Steel.” He doesn’t shake my hand but hands me a beer.

  “No thanks necessary. Any time I can stick it to that bastard and save someone from making the same mistake I did…” I pause when I see her walking out of a doorway and toward us. She hasn’t seen me yet, but she is scanning the place like she knows I’m here. When her eyes meet mine, she takes in a quick, short breath and stares at me. Fuck!

  I look away and right at Billy. “Thanks for the fucking heads up, asshole.”

  “Heads up on what, Sonya?”

  “What the hell do you think I’m talking about?”

  “She’s been in and out of the office for a month now, once, sometimes twice a week. Has a cute, little kid with her most of the time. He’s a great—”

  I turn and walk away while he sings her praises.

  I make it to the door and step out, needing some air, some space, some—

  “Hello, Finn,” she says, and then I hear the door shut.

  I don’t say a word. I can’t. I’m afraid of what will come out.

  “Okay, well, I just want you to know I still don’t want to kill you.” she laughs, then stops. “What I mean is, if I make you uncomfortable, I will leave, but if there is any chance you’d like to talk—” Her voice breaks, and she sucks in a slow breath of air. “If there is any way you can forgive me, I would love that.”

  I snap my head around and look her in the eyes. “I don’t want to kill you, either, but I am telling you it’s best if you go back inside.”

  “I know you want me. I know I want you, and I know what’s best for me, and that’s anything you can give me.”

  I take her hand and drag her out the door, walking fast.

  I open the doors to the SUV River drove us in and tell her. “Is fucking me in the backseat of this vehicle best for you right now?”

  She nods furiously.

  “Then get in.”

  She climbs in the back.

  “Now don’t you fucking move.”

  “I won’t. I promise. I love—” I slam the door before she finishes and storm toward the house where River is walking out.

  “You want a smoke?” he asks, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

  “No, I want you to go take her back to wherever she is staying. I can deal with her working at Forever Four, but not being here.” I pull out my phone and look for a cab company.

  “Finn, the chick is in love with you. You obviously have feelings for her, and—”

  “If you value this friendship, you will get her home. Now!”

  He nods then turns and walks to the vehicle.

  I press call as he opens the back door, and she climbs out then gets in the front. I watch as she covers her face with her hands, and I feel like I am going to fucking lose it.

  The number is busy, so I hang up and try again. They answer, and I give them the address.

  At home, I walk in the house, feeling like hell, worse than hell. I grab the Jack Daniels bottle off the counter and suck down a quarter of it, screw the cap back on, and go to my room where I lie there and think about the girl I just did a favor by pushing away.

  ***

  I wake to Billy yelling. My head is pounding, and I still have a slight buzz. I look at the clock, and it has only been an hour since I lay down.

  He flips on the light and I cover my eyes.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “There’s been an accident. Get dressed and let’s go.”

  “What the hell are you—”

  “River and Sonya, a truck hit them ten miles away from Memphis’s place.” His voice cracks. “Just get the fuck up! Get up now and get dressed!”

  I jump up and immediately feel a wave of nausea hit hard. I pull on a pair of running pants and a sweatshirt is halfway over my head when I walk out the door.

  “Shoes! Get some fucking shoes!”

  “Fuck, son of a bitch!” I stammer as I open the door and grab my slides.

  I then run to the car, jump in, and close the door as he peels out of the driveway.

  He hits his GPS. “Jersey Shore University Medical. Quickest route.”

  The route takes us back by Memphis’s place and past the scene of the accident where River’s new ride is fucking totaled. And when Billy said truck, he didn’t mention a semi. The driver’s side door looks to be where the collision took place.

  “What do you know?” I ask.

  “I know you need to tell people where the fuck you are going when you leave, and so does he. I know, when I couldn’t find either of you, I called a cab, and we sat behind a line of cars until traffic was cleared. Then I found out about the fucking accident that way. What the fuck was he doing with her?”

  “I told him to take her home. I insisted he take her fucking home.” I punch the dash a few times and slam myself back in the seat. “This is my fucking fault.”

  At the hospital, we pull in and both run to the ER entry. Memphis and Tally are in the waiting room, and so are Xavier and Taelyn. None of them look good.

  “How are they?” Bi
lly asks.

  “River’s a fucking mess, but alert. He was talking all sorts of shit to Sonya.”

  “How is she?” I ask.

  “They’re both going to live, but River is fucked up. His arm is all tore up, his leg, his fucking …” Memphis stops, and Tally pulls his head down onto her shoulder.

  “They’re going to be fine. Sonya is going to get some x-rays to make sure she has no broken bones. She’ll need some stitches. She has”—Tally sniffs—“glass in her head and—”

  “When can we see them?” I interrupt.

  “When someone comes out and tells us we can,” Xavier says with no emotion in his voice.

  We all stand. None of us can sit. Taelyn is on the phone with someone—I assume Josephina Steel—and from what I can gather, Noah is with her and baby Patrick.

  In about an hour, the door opens and a doctor walks out.

  “River is asking for Xavier and Finn. Sonya is asking for no one, but she is going to be fine.”

  “I’d like to see her for a moment,” Taelyn says quickly.

  “She’s trying to rest, but I will allow it for a couple minutes.”

  Xavier and I follow Taelyn and the doctor through the doors and down the hall.

  When Xavier and I walk in the room, River is out of his mind, high on pain meds.

  “I’m so fucked.” He laughs and runs his right arm over his hair. “I need surgery, pins and rods, and—”

  “You’ll be okay, man. You’re alive; that’s all that matters,” I say, sitting next to him.

  He busts out laughing. “I’m not sure you’ll want me to be fine after the little fucking PI over there gets to you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Xavier chuckles at him.

  “I’m the motherfucking joker.” River pulls up his sleeve. “And you”—he points to me—“are not. Light and dark, black and white, you and me, bro.”

  The doctor comes in and says they are ready to take him up to surgery.

  “You and me, River … you and me.” I smile and nod. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I sent you to take her home.”

  “Just get the fuck out of here,” he says to me with a disgusted look on his face. “You won’t be sorry.”