Secret Heart

by Dreger,Danielle

  I pull her hand down so that it is rest above my pounding heart. “I love you, more.”

  She cups my boob and leans in to kiss me again. “Not possible.”

  I DECIDE TO tell the band first. Mostly because I’m too chicken to call Scott. For the first time in months we don’t have a show on a Saturday night, so the session is even more laid back than normal. I wait until practice is over.

  “So I need to tell you guys something,” I say after we finish playing Sleater-Kinney’s “Modern Girl.” Ever since we wrote “Girlfriend” together the band has been on a Sleater-Kinney kick. We’ve added “Modern Girl” and “No Anthems” to our set list.

  “Yeah?” Monica doesn’t even look up from her phone. She’s been texting her girlfriend furiously throughout practice.

  “It’s about Unprom,” I say.

  “I wish someone at Harbor Heights had the balls to do an anti-prom,” Janet says from her place behind the drum set.

  “That’s the thing,” I start. “I’m not going to Unprom. I’m going to Prom. So I was thinking we could go back to our original plan and play Prom.”

  “What?” Monica asks. Her phone drops to the couch.

  “Back up,” Janet demands.

  “We’re can make a bigger statement by showing up at Prom.”

  “What the fuck?” Janet is incredulous. “Why?”

  Monica tucks a strand of her new lavender hair behind an ear. “Did prom committee change their minds about having a Purple Prom or something?”

  “Not exactly,” I say.

  “Then what?” Janet asks.

  “Unprom was about making a statement and showing that it doesn’t have to be so hetero, right? So instead of throwing our separate party we can hijack Prom. We can play our songs, I’ll show up with my smokin’ girlfriend and rub it in all of their douche canoe faces. You gotta trust me on this.” I smile but neither of my bandmates return it.

  “I have a hard time trusting you,” Janet says.

  “You can trust me.”

  “I’m trusting you to sign the lease and that still hasn’t happened.” She pauses. “I don’t get it. Did the school shut Unprom down?”

  “No.”

  “Did student council have a change of heart?”

  “You could say that,” I say.

  “Those cocksuckers,” Janet says. And just like that, the tropical storm of anxiety from before returns with a vengeance. I swallow the stomach acid down before it occurs to me that they might be more inclined to agree with me if I barf.

  “Something doesn’t add up.” Monica adds. “Why would they change their minds just like that? They want us to make a statement?”

  “Some of the student council members are on board with this,” I say. “And they really want us to play, not some lame ass DJ. People change their minds all the time.”

  Janet shakes her head. “I find this all a little suspect.”

  Monica picks up her phone again. “What does Scott have to say about it?” she asks.

  “Um.” I swallow the guilt down my throat. “He doesn’t know about it. Yet.”

  “For fucks sake, Avery!” Janet yells. Her words bounce off the garage walls. “This is complete bullshit. I don’t know what’s gotten into you. First you try to change our sound by writing sappy songs and now you’re making decisions about where and when we’ll play without consulting us? You play secret solo shows. You bail on the trip to Austin. This is not how a band works. This is not how we work.”

  Monica nods. “Janet has a point. We have to agree as a group or at least vote on it.”

  “Prom was what we were gonna play all along,” I protest.

  “But your school was a dick about it,” Janet says. “I’m not playing for a bunch of homophobic twat waffles who keep changing their mind. I will only play at Unprom.”

  “I second that,” Monica agrees. “Majority rules.”

  “We have to play Prom guys,” I plead. “I promised.”

  “Well, that was your first mistake,” Janet says.

  “It’s not just student council who changed their minds. I changed my mind, too. Besides we’ll get paid.”

  Monica sighs. “This isn’t about the money. We agreed to play Unprom for free.”

  I pace back and forth on the rug. “Austin is expensive.”

  Janet tosses her drumsticks in a corner and stands up. “You don’t even want to move to Austin, Avery. You didn’t go on the road trip with us over Spring Break, which is understandable, but you won’t even look at the lease to the apartment we found. You change the subject every time we bring it up. I don’t think you even want to be part of the band anymore.”

  “That’s not true,” I say.

  Janet’s voice grows louder. “You play solo gigs with old people without consulting us. What if we wanted in on that? I actually like geezers. Did you know that?”

  “No.”

  Monica nods. “I do, too.”

  Janet continues, “And then of course there’s the fact you made yourself the spokeswoman of the band, constantly agreeing to gigs or canceling them without our permission.”

  I want to tell her that I’ve always felt like the band spokeswoman, but now is not the time. “I made a mistake, okay?” I say.

  “No. Not okay.”

  “Are you even coming to Austin with us?” Monica asks. Tears swim in her blue eyes.

  “I don’t know yet.” My voice cracks on the last word. “I still need time to think about it.”

  “You’re running out of time. Summer is almost here. Our tour. Austin is right around the corner.” Monica wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “What are you so afraid of?”

  I stop pacing and stand in the center of the room. “I’m not afraid of anything.” The lie is heavy in my chest, making it hard to breathe in this stuffy room.

  “That’s my point,” Janet says walking up to me. “You can’t be honest with yourself. You can’t even be honest with us.”

  “This isn’t about Austin,” I say. “This is about Prom.”

  Janet is nose to nose with me. “This is not about Prom.” Janet says. “This is about a girl who is clouding your judgment.”

  “No it’s not.”

  “Bull. Shit.” Janet’s face is still inches from mine. I can smell the chocolate milkshake she had before practice. “I know a thing or two about girls clouding your judgment. I also know what it’s like to chase after someone who doesn’t deserve you.” She sighs. “You’re running around acting like you’re Taylor Swift. Stop it.”

  “Well you’re running around acting like a bitch. You stop it.” I say. Janet narrows her brown eyes and scowls. I close my eyes and brace myself for the punch.

  It never comes. When I open my eyes Janet has retreated to a corner of the garage. Monica is on the couch, texting. My heart sinks into my stomach. From the determined expression on her face I can tell that she isn’t texting Karen. “Who are you talking to?” I demand.

  Monica’s eyes narrow. “Scott.”

  My fists clench. “Why?”

  “He deserves to know that you’ve gone rogue,” Janet says. She plops down on the couch next to Monica. “All in favor of Avery taking a break from DTG, raise your hand.”

  They both raise their hands and I salute them with my middle finger.

  “You’ll be nothing without me behind the mic,” I say. “I am the heart of this band.”

  “No, Avery, you’re not.” Janet says. “You’re the heartache.” She salutes me back with both of her middle fingers before turning back to Monica. “Ask him if he wants to take over the vocals for the band.”

  “You won’t last one show without me,” I say and slam the garage door behind me.

  SCOTT IS WAITING for me in his driveway when I pull up. “Don’t even think about coming inside,” he warns when I step out of the car.

  “I know you’re mad,” I say. “Let me explain.” I hold up the pizza box. “I brought a peace offering.”

 
“I don’t want your pizza. Whatever you have to say to me, say it fast and say it here.”

  My heart stops. “It’s from Stacia’s. You never turn down pizza.”

  “Well, I’m turning it down now, aren’t I?” He stares at me hard and I shrink into my Doc Martens. “You have something to tell me?”

  The air around us is still thick from the storm and my T-shirt clings to my back. I take a step toward Scott careful not to put my boot down into a puddle. “It’s about Unprom,” I say.

  “I know what you’re gonna say and let me just tell you, over my dead body.”

  “You can do it next year. Make it even bigger and better.”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it,” Scott says. His words are venomous. “Monica filled me in. What I want to know is why you’re throwing all of this away.”

  “I’m not,” I kick at the pavement with the toe of my shoe. There is a worm slowly making its way across the wet concrete toward the grass on the other side of the driveway.

  “Who are you throwing all of this away for?” He takes a step forward and grabs my arm. I drop the pizza onto the ground and it slides out of the open box. He pulls me toward him so that our chests are touching. We are close enough to hug but he is not hugging me. Scott loosens his grip on my arm. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s it?”

  “I can’t tell you.” My voice is tinny in my ears. “I promised.”

  “You can keep that promise yet back out of ours? Who is she?”

  I sigh. I would feel so much better if I could just tell him. The secret gnaws away at my heart.

  This only fuels Scott’s rage. “I have three guesses and the first two don’t count,” he says. “You and I both know who you are not talking about. So why not just say it out loud?”

  “I promised I would wait,” I say. “She’s coming to Prom as my date. Everyone will find out at the same time. I’ll make the statement you and I always talk about making.”

  Scott drops his hand and takes a step back. “Let me guess. She promised you she would out herself and be your date if you canceled Unprom. Am I right?”

  I nod.

  He lets out a low whistle. “That’s some fucked up shit.” he says. “This ultimatum is straight out of a rom-com. You can see that right? You’re like fucking Jennifer Lawrence and she’s Bradley Cooper and you’re turning your back against everything you believe in.”

  “This is not like a rom-com,” I defend.

  He continues, “And now all we’re missing is the grand gesture. What’s it gonna be? She’s gonna profess her love for you when she is crowned Prom Queen? This will never work.”

  “You’re being ridiculous,” I say. “I’m not waiting for a grand gesture. I don’t need one.”

  Scott shakes his head. “No. You’re being ridiculous. How long have you been sneaking around my back with her?”

  “Three months.”

  “That’s what I thought. And you couldn’t come clean to me? I thought I was your best friend.”

  “You are my best friend.”

  “You didn’t trust me.”

  “It’s not that.”

  Scott laughs. “She didn’t trust me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “And you honestly believe her that she’ll show up to Prom as your date? That she’ll wear your corsage and kiss you under the mirror ball on the dance floor?”

  “Yes. I do.” I whisper. “I love her.”

  He laughs.

  “Seriously, I love her. When I’m not with her there is a gaping hole in my chest.”

  Scott rolls his eyes. “Right. What about the gaping hole in my chest? Apparently you care about her more than you care about me.”

  “That’s not true,” I argue.

  “She’s making you choose between us and you’re choosing her. What about my feelings?” He shakes his head. “I don’t get you, Avery. You’re throwing it all away. Lion Pride. Our friendship. Your band. All over some blonde bitch.”

  I move to slap Scott across his face but I stop myself at the last minute, so I wind up swatting the air. “Do not call her that.” I swallow hard. “I thought you liked her.”

  “I did like her. Up until the moment she dicked us over and you decided to join the dark side. So if she meant so much to you all along why did you even help me with the Unprom idea? Why did we fight for it and make it a thing? What about Lion Pride?”

  Pepperoni is scattered everywhere. A lone ant tries to pick up a piece but the weight of it is too much for him. “I was mad. I didn’t even want to be part of Lion Pride in the first place, remember? But you begged me to stay. The club will survive without me.”

  Scott lets out a breath. “You’re writing your own obituary. Unprom is still a go.” He looks at the phone in his hand. “And apparently I’m the new singer for DTG. God help us all,” he mutters.

  “You don’t have to join the band,” I tell him. “You can say no.”

  “No, I have to. At least for Unprom. Unlike you, I’m not about to let everyone down.” He takes a step back. “You’re making a mistake with her. She will never care about you like I do,” he says, tears in his eyes.

  “I know. She cares about me the best way that she can and I’ll take whatever she can give me. Maybe when you meet your guy you’ll understand.”

  “So this it then?” He asks.

  “I guess.”

  Scott’s sad smile shatters my heart. The pieces fall and stab me in the gut. I will bleed to death. “We had a good run. I’ll forever be grateful for you kicking Jackson and Dylan’s ass outside of the band room all those years ago. And for that girl who caught it on video.”

  “She’s not replacing you,” I tell Scott. “No one can replace you.”

  “It sure as hell feels like it.” Scott walks back toward me and throws his arms around my shoulders. I burrow my face into his neck and smell the familiar scent of sweat and Dial soap.

  I hug him so hard that it makes it difficult for me to breathe. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” he says before letting go. “About as much as I hate you right now.” He pulls back. “You can tell her not to worry. Your secret heart is safe until you reveal it at Prom.” Scott backs away from me again. “Good luck with that.”

  “Yeah.” I can’t keep the tears from streaming down my cheeks.

  And then Scott walks out of my life and into his house at the exact moment it starts to rain. I don’t move from my spot in the driveway even as the sky opens up. There is so much water coming down that after awhile, I can’t tell where my tears end and the rain begins.

  I WAIT TO break the news to Madison until after we stop for coffee at The Bean Tree the next morning. The Lazy Barista gives me a bright smile but scowls at Madison when she orders a peppermint mocha.

  “You okay?” she asks as I down my almond milk latte in five gulps.

  I wipe the foam from my mouth. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Between getting booted from the band and losing Scott I didn’t ever even close my eyes. Doing that would mean reliving that awful scene in his driveway. I even texted him an apology at two a.m. knowing he wouldn’t respond. It hasn’t even been a full day and already I miss him like mad.

  “Is everything okay?” she asks again once we’re back in the car. The concealer under her eyes doesn’t mask her own sleepless night.

  “Not right now, but I hope things turn around.” I reach over and take her peppermint mocha from the console and take a long sip and grimace. It is far too sweet for my taste buds. “Look, I tried but I couldn’t convince Scott to cancel Unprom,” I say as we leave the parking lot of The Bean Tree.

  “What about the band?”

  It’s pouring and the visibility is shit. I can barely make out the taillights in front of me. “Janet and Monica did not take it very well. They kicked me out. Scott revoked our friendship.”

  The only sounds are the windshield w
ipers moving back and forth against the glass and Tegan and Sara on the car stereo. After two blocks Madison says. “I’m sorry about the band and I’m sorry about Scott. I know you sacrificed a lot for me. But I don’t think we should go to Prom together.”

  “What?” I ask as I make a left onto the street that leads to the school.

  “I thought it could work and now I know it won’t.”

  I make a sharp right into a parking lot of a Catholic Church. “Is it because I couldn’t cancel it?” I ask pulling into an empty spot under a large oak tree. “I tried. That has to be worth something.” I kill my headlights and look at her. “I chose you over them.”

  “It’s not just that.” Madison rubs her temples.

  “I can’t change Scott’s mind. And there’s no way in hell the band is taking me back. What else do you want me to do?”

  She leans back against her seat. “I wish things could be different.”

  “They can be different,” I say. “We can make them different. I can still be your prom date. You can still be Prom Queen. We can still make a statement. We can still dance to a shitty DJ. We can still get the hotel room.” I reach for her hand and she pulls it away.

  “Is that all you can think about? The hotel room?”

  “You brought it up first,” I argue.

  Madison doesn’t respond. She doesn’t need to.

  “You were never going to take me as your date, were you?” I shake my head in disbelief. “Scott was right.”

  Madison snaps her head in my direction. “You told him?”

  “No, I didn’t tell him. He guessed, though he never mentioned you by name. He said you would never actually go as my date.” She looks panicked so I add, “He promised he would not out you.”

  “There’s nothing for him to out,” she says. “Because I’m not gay. Just because I like you doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian.”

  “I know. And that’s okay.”

  “Maybe it’s better if I didn’t like you anymore.” Suddenly she’s transfixed by the hole in the knee of her jeans. “It would make things easier for the both of us.”

  “But I love you. And you love me. It doesn’t have to be easy just as long as we are in this together.” I reach for the tan skin of her knee poking out of her jeans but she pushes me away. “If we love each other we can make it work.”