Secret Heart

by Dreger,Danielle

  “To this dumb town.” I glare at Scott. “This conversation is over. Leave me alone so I can play.” I shoulder my guitar and join Monica and Janet onstage.

  The room is now packed. I’m sure we’re breaking fire code. Mom and Maura’s mom are leaning against the back wall. My mom gives me a thumbs up and I can see that she is wearing a Detonate the Gazelle concert tee. I can’t remember the last time she was at one of my shows. I grin and point two finger guns at her before I take the mic. “Welcome to Unprom.”

  “Bitches,” Scott yells.

  “I’m Avery and that’s Janet and Monica.” They wave. “And we’re Detonate the Gazelle. I hope you’re ready because we’re about to rock your faces off.”

  Janet counts us in and we launch into “I’m So Excited.” Happiness floods me with warmth as we segue into “Stadium Love.” The crowd goes completely apeshit at the opening chords of “Girlfriend” and I forget about Madison and Prom and everything that has gone on these last few months. I sing my heart out, like this is my last show. But it’s not my last show. I have Austin.

  The set is loud and fast and we’re sweating despite the fact all the windows and doors are open and the cool night air is coming in. We fly through our favorites and before I know it, it’s time for “Last Dance.”

  “We’re gonna slow things down now,” I tell the crowd. “Some of you may recognize it from that shiteous video Scott posted.” A cheer goes up. I shoot Scott the bird and he blows a kiss back at me. “This is “Last Dance.” So find a warm body and get cozy.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

  Janet and Monica are sitting this one out and it is just me and my guitar like it was at that Open Mic. I sing.

  I’m not asking for much, just one last chance.

  I know this is the end.

  Maybe one day we’ll be friends.

  But tonight I want to go back to the start.

  Give you once last glimpse of my heart.

  I don’t stop the tears from falling and they join the beads of sweat trailing down my face.

  Give me one last chance.

  I promise to give you a night to remember.

  Give me one last dance.

  I’ll give you a memory to render.

  All I ask is that you give me one last chance,

  one last kiss,

  one last dance.

  A weight is lifted off my shoulders as I sing. I don’t have to carry around the ghost of my relationship with Madison anymore.

  This is me letting go. I close my eyes.

  This is my last request.

  I’m leaving now.

  Please give me some respect before I take a final bow.

  All I ask is that you give me one last chance,

  one last smile,

  one last dance.

  I repeat the chorus two more times. The last line is barely out of my mouth when Scott yells, “Avery, open your eyes.”

  I OPEN MY eyes as I sing the chorus a third and final time.

  The audience is all blue and red smears because I’m crying on stage like a baby. I blink a few times and the clouds in my eyes clear and there is Madison, in her blue dress, wearing a silver crown and holding some limp-ass roses. Rivers of mascara run down her cheeks. It’s the eyes. It’s those goddamn ocean eyes.

  “Madison.” I say into the mic. I jump when her name echoes off the walls. “What are you doing here?” The room is deadly silent.

  “I’m here to see about a girl,” she says. Her smile is tentative.

  Monica and Janet start to jam in the background. The entire room is watching us. More than one phone is in the air recording whatever this is.

  “Can we talk?” Madison bites her lip as she waits for my response. I still remember what her lips taste like.

  I gesture to the crowd behind her and the band. “I’m kind of in the middle of a set.” Monica meets my eyes and gives me a nod of encouragement. I take the mic again and direct my question to the crowd. “I don’t know guys, should I talk to her?”

  “Yes,” the crowd yells.

  The music gets louder. Monica is channeling Carrie Brownstein and dancing around the small stage while my head and my heart play rock, paper, scissors to determine my next move. Mom is in the back of the room waving her hand and mouthing what looks like, “Go on.”

  “We’re waiting,” Scott yells.

  “Okay, okay.” I take of my guitar and set it in the stand. Janet grins at me before launching into a drum solo. She shakes her shaggy hair like a dog, giving me a mini-sweat shower. She is so gross and annoying and will be hell to live with in Austin, but I think I’ll manage.

  I hop off the stage. Now I’m only nine inches away from Madison. “Are you sure you want to be here?”

  She nods. “Yes. I’m doing the big gesture like in your movies. I’m Zac Efron.”

  “I don’t know. He might be prettier than you.”

  Madison grins. “Shut up.” I take a step forward as she says, “I’m sorry.” I raise my eyebrow and she adds, “About everything.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have pushed you.” My heart is pounding outside of my chest like a cartoon. Everyone around us can see it. I take another step forward. We are inches apart.

  “Will you give me a second chance?” she asks.

  “Of course. I’ll give you all of the chances.”

  Madison pulls me into her embrace. Her mouth finds mine as I hold onto her tightly. Every emotion I’ve felt in the last few weeks comes to the surface as our tongues touch. There is moisture of her cheeks when I touch them. She pulls away first and for an instant I’m afraid she’s going to run away. “I think this makes us official,” she says.

  Before I can respond Scott jumps on stage and says, “Well let’s give young love a round of applause shall we?” Everyone claps. There are a few wolf whistles. He continues, “I think it’s time for some “Love Shack,” don’t you?” And suddenly Detonate the Gazelle is playing the B-52’s and everyone is singing along leaving us to our moment.

  “What about Miles?”

  “What about him?”

  “I saw you that day in the library.” My stomach lurches at the reminder of that scene.

  “I know. I was trying to make you jealous.”

  “Well, it worked. How did you know I was there?”

  She smiles. “How many ficus trees own Tegan and Sara shirts? You would make the worst spy.”

  “I thought I was blending in,” I say.

  “You never blend in. That’s one of the things I love best about you.” She holds my gaze. “These are for you,” Madison says as she hands me her flowers. “They got a little crushed on the way over.”

  “That’s okay.” I cradle the bouquet like I’m Miss America.

  “Try not to throw them away this time.” Madison takes the crown off of her head and then the Prom Queen sash. She climbs up on stage and dresses Scott up as he sings. When the song ends she yells into the mic, “Your Unprom Queen.”

  The crowd goes wild as she jumps down. “That was really nice of you,” I say.

  “He deserves it more than me.” She gestures to everyone around us. This is what prom should be like. Inclusive and fun with a great band.” Scott and Janet and Monica launch into a cover of The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love.” Madison and I join in the dancing.

  “What about your family? Your legacy—”

  “Screw legacies,” Madison says interrupting me. “I’m starting over.” She smiles. “With you.”

  “You didn’t have to go to this trouble. You could have just texted,” I say.

  Her smile warms me from the inside out. “I made a video and had Jessica post it. Didn’t you see it?”

  “Not all of it,” I confess.

  She shakes her head. “How much of it?”

  “Just the part with the DJ.”

  “You should have watched the whole thing. Then you’d know that I told everyone there I didn’t want to be their Prom Queen. That I didn�
��t even want to be at Prom but at Unprom. I pretty much ordered everyone to leave Prom and come here. I wanted you to see that I had changed.”

  “What made you change your mind?” I ask.

  “I’ve missed you like hell. Plus, that video Scott sent me of you at your open mic confirmed that you missed me, too. I was going to wait until after graduation next week to talk to you, but then Jessica talked some sense into me tonight me and told me to grow a pair and just do it already.” She pauses and wipes at her eyes. “Look at me,” she sniffs. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that my love for you was greater than any of this high school bullshit.” Madison grins at the last word. Clearly, I’m rubbing off on her.

  “I guess I should thank Jessica then,” I say. Trey and Jessica are next to the food table. His arms are crossed in front the jacket of his white tux, like he wants to be anywhere but here. Jessica doesn’t seem to notice because she is double-fisting donuts, sprinkling powdered sugar all over her red dress.

  “So we can start over?” She asks. “I want to make things right between us. Nothing but honesty all the time.”

  “No need to start over when we can pick up right where we left off,” I say. And I pull my girlfriend to me and kiss her as Scott launches into “It’s the End of the World as We Know It.” To my surprise, he actually knows all the words. Their sound is tight—they must have practiced this for weeks. “I love you,” I yell over the music.

  “I love you back,” she yells and happiness floods through me. My head and my heart high-five each other as I grab Madison’s hand and we jump up and down along with all of our classmates and sing along at the top of our lungs. Despite the song lyrics this is most definitely not the end. This is just the beginning.

  “This is Anarchy” by Tacocat

  “Closer” by Tegan and Sara

  “Modern Love” by Bloc Party

  “I’m Making Eyes at You” by The Black Kids

  “La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens

  “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” by She and Him

  “Stadium Love” by Metric

  “I’m So Excited” by Le Tigre

  “My Number” by Tegan and Sara

  “Wait it Out” by Imogen Heap

  “I’ve Got a Secret” by Kate Nash

  “Welcome to New York” by Taylor Swift

  “Goodbye, Goodbye” by Tegan and Sara

  “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift

  “I Love It” by Icona Pop

  “Alien Girl” by Tacocat

  “You Had Time” by Ani DiFranco

  “Secret Heart” by Feist

  “Modern Girl” by Sleater-Kinney

  “No Anthem” by Sleater-Kinney

  “Fuck and Run” by Liz Phair

  “Divorce Song” by Liz Phair

  “I Was a Fool” by Tegan and Sara

  “Boyfriend” by Tegan and Sara

  “Music is My Hot, Hot Sex” by CSS

  “The Night Starts Here” by Stars

  “Style” by Taylor Swift

  “Love Shack” by the B-52’s

  “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure

  “End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM

  Secret Heart may be self-published, but getting it into the hands of you, dear reader, was not a solo effort by any means. So in chronological order, I owe the following people a slice of Stacia’s roasted garlic and mushroom pizza:

  My parents for encouraging my writing since Kindergarten. Thank you for sending me to writer’s camp 25 years ago, for looking the other way when I read mom’s Harlequin romances, and for being the kind of parents who support their kid’s dreams.

  My sister, Karen, for never telling me to shut up and for having my back.

  Megan, my best friend of 21 years. This novel would not exist without you. You are the Scott to my Avery. Had you not dragged me to that Tegan and Sara concert in September 2012, the idea for Secret Heart might never have been born. Thank you for being my beta reader, personal chef and assistant, dog nanny, and cheerleader (and a million other things). I could write a book on our friendship. Wait, I just did.

  Largo High School (and my hometown Largo) for not being a shitpit and for giving me a great place to write about and to the Largo Public Library for leading me to YA books and a career as a teen librarian.

  University of North Florida’s WOSP Osprey Radio (and Rachel) who made college fun and instilled a love of music. Without you I never would have found Ani DiFranco, Liz Phair, Tegan and Sara, Sleater-Kinney, and Le Tigre. And Kristina and Tina for listening to my Angry Girl Syndrome radio show each week.

  Simmons College GSLIS program and Rachel, Sarah, Rebecca, and Necia for helping me figure out who I wanted to be.

  My husband, Ian, for championing my writing career without fail, even if it means frozen pizza for dinner. Thank you for putting the comedy into our romance.

  My in-laws and extended family for the support during this long journey.

  My coworkers at Sno-Isle Libraries for giving me a flexible schedule so I can pursue the two jobs I love. To the school librarians I work with for their relentless dedication. And of course my teens at the Mill Creek Library. Thank you for constantly inspiring me.

  The writing community in Seattle, especially SCBWI-WWA and the Writing for Children Certificate Program at the University of Washington and Martha Brockenbrough, whose guidance through the years has been tremendous. Thank you Seattle YA writers for including me especially, Lish and Kevin and Jolie. This is seriously the most supportive writing community on the planet.

  Lexie for allowing me to infiltrate her critique group all those years ago and for meeting up with me every week to hash out ideas and for giving honest feedback. And to Allison for holding me accountable.

  Alex, my writing (life) partner, for all the writing dates, even the ones when we just watch music videos and eat at Olive Garden. I owe you a million coffees for the gorgeous cover you created for me and for the witty banter that helped inspire Scott’s dialogues.

  Kristin for the late night writing dates at Rain Cafe, advice, and for giving it to me straight.

  My superagent Danielle Chiotti at Upstart Crow for being my roadie, band manager, and navigator these last three years. You make me a better writer. Thank you for encouraging me to test out all of my crazy ideas and for loving Avery, Scott and Madison as much as I do and for all the tough love you’ve given me.

  Emily Keyes for the Veronica Mars intel and for the love she gave to my unpublished book, Lethal.

  GG for the sushi dates, story swaps, and marketing advice.

  Mel Barnes for being the best copy editor. And to Will for introducing us.

  Ron Sexsmith for the song rights. And to all the bands and musicians I mention. Thank you for giving me inspiration.

  The Gay-Straight Alliances in high schools across the country for all the important work that you do. A portion of all my books sales will go to support the Gay Lesbian Straight Education Network (www.gslen.org)

  Everyone I forgot to mention, I’ll get you in the next book.

  And finally, you dear reader. Thank you for taking a chance on me and my book.

  Danielle Dreger wears many (baseball) hats. By day she is a teen librarian north of Seattle, by night she is an amateur cook, and by sunrise she is a writer of gritty and witty stories set in the humid hell of Central Florida. Her short stories have appeared in Fiction Fix, Stratus, 200 cc’s, The Dimeshow Review, and The Driftless Review.

  Danielle spent her formative years in the Tampa Bay Area driving into neighborhood signs, breaking curfew, and writing bad poetry before moving to Boston to become a librarian. She now hangs her Tampa Bay Rays hat in Seattle with her husband, pets and tiny toddler tornado.

  Before devoting her professional life to writing and reading and libraries, Danielle worked as a secretary, florist assistant, camp counselor, college radio DJ and station manager, bookseller, house cleaner, blogger, and travel wr
iter. She was previously the Seattle Books Examiner for Examiner.com and is a contributor to Preemie Babies 101, the official blog for the Hand to Hold organization.

  You can find her online at danielledreger.com or on Twitter @danielledregerb.

  This is her first novel.