The Soul Believes It

by Julie Allan

  “Sure Mama, give my love to Aunt M.A. I’ll say a little prayer for Uncle Jim.”

  Lizzie ran her hand along Dot’s cheek. “I will, sweet girl, it sounds like prayers are definitely needed.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  M.A. stood up and then sat right back down.

  Lizzie laid her hand on M.A.’s shoulder. “Do you need something?”

  M.A. reached up and patted Lizzie’s hand. “No, I . . . I just had a bad feeling.”

  “I know this is hard, do you want me to call the girls to come?”

  “Not yet, I want to see wat Dr. Spangler has to say. Before I retired, I was one of his O.R. nurses.” M.A. stood up again and paced. “It’s hard when you know too much from your professional life. I mean I was there, I saw the fall, and I saw the injuries.”

  Before Lizzie could offer words of comfort, Dr. Spangler approached them.

  M.A. sat down and grabbed Lizzie’s hand. Dr. Spangler sat down on the opposite side of her and laid a hand on M.A.’s shoulder.

  “It was just like we feared. The swelling is severe. I know you asked me not to sugar coat this, so here is what we are looking at. We need to monitor closely for the next forty-eight hours. He is in deep sedation, and his chance of a recovery is less than twenty percent based on what the scans showed. I would recommend you gather family and anyone else who needs to say their goodbyes.”

  M.A. nodded her head. “I knew that was what you were going to tell me. Thank you for treating me like a colleague.”

  Dr. Spangler squeezed her shoulder. “Colleague and a friend. I’m sorry this is happening to your family. We will make Jim as comfortable as we can. I will be back in the morning, and I have assigned one of my residents to check on him through the night.”

  M.A. decided she should call the girls directly. Both had taken their young families out of town for the storm and would need to travel back. Lizzie found a quiet hallway where she could call Bennett.

  “Wow, I didn’t think it would be that serious.”

  “I know, it reminds me of the time the tree came down on the porch of the old house with the three of you on it.”

  “If it wasn’t for that porch, Jim, Scott, or I could have been seriously hurt. I just wish Jim had waited for Scott and me to come and help him.”

  “I’m going to stay with M.A. until her girls get here. Is everything going alright at the house?”

  “We’ve got it under control. Give M.A. a hug from me and call me if anything changes or when you’re ready for me to pick you up.”

  Lizzie stood and stared out the window; she wanted to give M.A. some privacy while she made her calls. She thought back to middle school when M.A. and Jim had first been an item. Beach days, pizza and movie nights, boating, the four of them had been inseparable until they went off to college. For a while, they had lived in various places, but they had all found their way home and had found their way back together. Amy and Scott had been a few years older in school but had expanded the group to six steadily as they all raised their families. How do you remove Jim from all that is yet to come? Silent tears slipped down her cheeks, and she could feel them hit her arm.

  A set of arms brought her into an embrace, and she shook from the surprise of it. “I know, I keep thinking I’m going to wake up any minute and find out none of this is real. I can’t cry yet; I need to be strong for my girls.” M.A. stepped back and handed Lizzie a tissue.

  Lizzie took it and wiped her face. “I’m sorry, I should be able to be strong for you.”

  M.A. smiled and touched Lizzie’s cheek. “Nothing to be sorry for, my friend. I know both you and Bennett love Jim and me. What I need is that love to lift me through this, tears and all.”

  Lizzie linked her arm with M.A.’s. “Love is what you shall have in spades, now and forever.”

  The two walked arm and arm back into the waiting room. A brief time later, a nurse came and got M.A. so she could sit with Jim for a while. Her phone vibrated, it was a text from Amy she had arrived with a meal for the three of them.

  Lizzie met her in the area down the hall where food was allowed and filled her in on the girl’s travel plans.

  “I just can’t believe this is happening! I was just telling Scott, it wasn’t the storm I was worried about as much as the aftermath. It always seems terrible things happen during the clean-up.”

  Lizzie agreed, but somehow that didn’t make it easier to accept the situation. Time hung heavy, Lizzie watched the second-hand march around the clock, tick, tick, tick. She imagined it keeping time with Jim’s heart and closed her eyes.

  “Aunt Lizzie!”

  She opened her eyes to see Elizabeth, M.A. and Jim’s eldest in front of her. “Oh. Elizabeth!” she embraced her namesake. “Is Rebecca with you?”

  “No, she and her family went to Birmingham to stay with Matt’s family. Chris and I just went to Columbia. I left Chris and the kids up there and drove my mother-in-law’s car down. It took four hours with all the returning home traffic.”

  “Your mom is in with your dad now, she should be back out shortly, let me get the nurse to let her know you’re here.”

  Once mother and daughter were wrapped in each other’s arms, Lizzie went to call Bennett to come and pick her up. She left M.A, with a promise from her that she’d call if she needed her no matter what the time was.

  The piles of debris built walls along the roads. Bright blue tarps draped roofs all around the neighborhood. The power was still off at the house but had been restored to Pat’s retirement home, and Lizzie had volunteered to pick her up from Amy’s and take her back. Amy’s neighborhood also had visible damage. On Amy’s face, she could see the emotional damage. M.A. had called to say the family had agreed to disconnect Jim from life support, she and the girls would sit with him while he slipped away.

  Nothing prepared them to lose a peer, not in this way, not with so many years left unlived. Pat gave her a fierce hug; she too felt the loss, Jim was like one of her own. Satisfied that Pat had everything she needed, Lizzie headed home.

  She pulled into the grocery store parking lot, turned off the car and let the tears flow. Her shoulders shook, and her throat was dry. Nausea washed over her. She cried until her eyes went dry and her face hurt. Lizzie cranked the ignition and headed home. She needed the strength of Bennett’s arms, and he would need hers.

  Bennett was waiting in the driveway. Lizzie got out of the car and stepped into his embrace. “He’s gone, isn’t he?”

  Bennett’s tears fell. In a hoarse whisper, he managed, “Yes,” and he held her tighter.

  They stood there for a while, hearts shattered, surrounded by the storm debris. In the silence, their souls added another connecting stitch. A lifetime together had bonded them, each joy and each sorrow. The whir of the HVAC broke the moment.

  Lizzie pulled back, reaching up to wipe a tear from Bennett’s cheek. “Power’s back on.”

  Lizzie filled the baby pool with water and tried to coax Tucker and Sadie in. She knew they would love the cool water if they would give it a chance.

  “Hey there!”

  The voice startled Lizzie, and she fell forward, landing in the water. Tucker, thinking it was a game, jumped in and began jumping around her, splashing in all directions.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.” M.A. could not help herself and began to laugh. She laughed so hard tears rolled down her cheeks, and she doubled over, trying to catch her breath.

  She gathered her composure and took another look at Lizzie who was now being licked enthusiastically by Sadie and the laughter bubbled back up and out.

  Lizzie managed to extract herself from the dogs and the water and stood dripping on the lawn. “I’m glad I made you smile.”

  “Oh Lizzie, your little mishaps have given me so many chuckles over the years. That was very cathartic; I would accuse you of doing it on purpose if I didn’t know you so well.”

  “Ha, ha, would you mind grabbing me a towel?”

/>   M.A. fetched a towel, and after Lizzie was reasonably dry, the two hugged. “I’m surprised to see you; I thought you and the girls were working on the funeral plans today.”

  “We finished the paperwork at the funeral home, and I have a meeting with Pastor McDonald this afternoon. I was hoping to catch Bennett; it would mean so much to me if he would speak about Jim at the service.”

  “He went to pick up some wood from the warehouse to start dock repairs, but he should be back any minute. Why don’t we get some tea and visit a while so you can talk to him, I know he will be pleased.” Lizzie called to Tucker and Sadie, leading them and M.A. up to the porch.

  M.A. sat back and sighed. “I’m utterly exhausted. The girls have been wonderful and for that matter my two sons-in-law, but I feel like I must keep it together for them. It’s nice to be in a place where I can let my guard down.”

  Lizzie handed M.A. a tall glass of iced tea. “I marvel at your strength. Bennett and I are both here for you.”

  M.A. nodded. “That is a comfort to me. I remember when Bennett was waging war with cancer, I tried to imagine what it would be like to lose Jim. I think now that all the contemplation could never prepare me. I am numb and shattered with pain all at the same time. I find myself in one room when I meant to go to another. Just last night I insisted on putting away Jim’s clean socks as if he was going to go to the drawer and look for them.”

  Lizzie moved from her chair to sit beside M.A. on the settee. “Keep talking,” she encouraged.

  M.A. gave a wry smile. “I think I hear him around the house or sense him moving through a room and I feel a little crazy.”

  “That’s not crazy, that’s your mind seeking what you want. I still sometimes sense Aunt Dorothy here.”

  M.A. looked around the porch. “That’s because her spirit is part of the walls in this house.”

  “Jim may not be a part of your house, but he is a part of you, even if he has gone on. He will be with you always.” Lizzie leaned her head onto M.A.’s shoulder, and the two sat head to head, the love of their friendship flowing back and forth, healing just a bit of the open wound called grief.

  The brilliant September sky seemed out of place, the sunlight too piercing for tear-worn eyes. Lizzie held onto Bennett’s arm as he brought her into the church. Amy and Scott were already in the vestibule talking in the hushed tones of mourners. Both Scott and Bennett had been drafted to be pallbearers. Once they escorted Lizzie and Amy to their reserved pew, they left to prepare for the solemn task.

  Lizzie and Amy sat shoulder to shoulder, leaning into each other for support. Lizzie’s limbs felt wrung out, her heart ached, and her stomach was hollow. Her only comfort was knowing she was not alone in her grief.

  After the service, a reception was held in the church hall. Lizzie watched as M.A. smiled and hugged mourner after mourner in the receiving line. She marveled at the effort M.A. made to comfort each one with a kind word or remembrance. She is doing this to honor Jim. Lizzie and Amy brought drinks to the senior attendees, and Faith kept the children occupied. Two hours later, a smaller group moved on to the cemetery.

  There is something so real and final about a coffin being lowered into the ground. Tears flowed as flowers were tossed in amongst the shovels of dirt. M.A. stood watching as person after person covered Jim’s coffin. When the last one dropped their rose, she pitched forward, Scott and Bennett catching her by the arms.

  Lizzie and Amy stepped up and propped her between them. Willing their friend strength for the final prayer. The three stood, arm and arm, three as one, just as they had for most of their lives. Three Southern girls, now seasoned by the years, their bond unbreakable, this was how they would face this grief, together.

  Once M.A. had gotten her parents and in-laws off with her daughters she joined Lizzie and Bennett in their car. Amy and Scott followed. Bennett pulled into the driveway. “We’d better change first.”

  Lizzie unlocked the door. “The girls and I will take our room, why don’t you and the boys use Sawyer’s room?”

  Bennett added another log to the fire and Scott passed around bottles of Jim’s favorite beer. Now in jeans and long-sleeved shirts, they settled in around the fire-pit and watched the sun slip beyond the horizon.

  M.A. raised her bottle, “I like to think he is here with us, enjoying his big send off. So, here’s to Jim, the best husband, father, and friend, hold our place, we will be with you someday.”

  Turning to face the empty chair across the fire pit, the five remaining raised their bottles high, “To Jim!”

  There in the dark, the flames and embers glowing, memories were shared, and memories were made. There was a tear in the fabric of their collective soul, by sharing this moment as Jim would want them to, a move to healing was one more step along.

  Scott poked back a falling log. “What would Jim want around a fire?”

  “S’mores!” Lizzie jumped up, “and I have all that we need. Be right back!”

  M.A. followed Lizzie up to the house. “This has been the hardest day of my life, but this time with the four of you has been the bright spot. I’ll never forget it.”

  Lizzie pulled M.A. into an embrace. “Jim was so loved, you are so loved, always and forever.”

  As the days went by, the piles of debris were cleared, and the blue tarps were replaced with new shingles, the visible scars of the storm were disappearing, the hidden ones continued to take their toll. Lizzie had taken to waking each night to walk the house restlessly for an hour or so. Her mind full of Jim and M.A., her parents, the wedding, the sister, round and round the thoughts played on a reel.

  She had read and re-read her mother’s diaries, all except the last one trying to complete her understanding of Caroline, always feeling like something was missing from the picture. Perhaps she would never figure what that was and maybe that was okay. Her mother was now a real woman, complex, flawed, redeemed and that was so much more than the two-dimensional ideal she had been before the first letter.

  Dot was relieved that Alhambra Hall had minor damage, her house was not so lucky. Dot and her roommates had been allowed back to salvage what they could, and Dot had decided to move back home until the wedding.

  Lizzie was ecstatic to have her back under their roof, even if it was short-term. It was also practical for the never-ending wedding to-do list. M.A. was spending lots of time with her daughters and grand-kids, but Lizzie talked with her at least once a day. Bennett was working double time managing his crews. His construction business had more work than it could handle. He was so tired he hadn’t even noticed her nocturnal wanderings. Her days were full and she hoped with a little more time her nights would be full of sleep

  Lizzie placed the pumpkins down the side of the porch steps, organizing them from largest to smallest. She stepped back to see if she liked the arrangement. Hearing a car door, she turned around to see her nephew Ben walking across the lawn.

  “Hey, Ben, what brings you by?”

  Ben kissed Lizzie on the cheek. “I thought you’d like to know, your sister had accessed the file.”

  Lizzie stepped back, “The file? With the letters?”

  Ben nodded. “The one and only.”

  Lizzie’s hand flew up to her mouth, and she sat down on the steps. After recovering her composure, she asked, “So what does that mean?”

  Ben sat down next to her. “It means the ball is still in her court. It will be up to her if she reaches out to you.”

  “So essentially, I’m in the same place I was before you came.”

  “Not exactly, she now knows you exist.”

  Lizzie felt the hairs on her arm stand up. “I can only imagine the turmoil she must be in.”

  “Kind of like the way you felt when you found that first letter, I imagine.”

  “Well, I appreciate you driving over to tell me. I was just getting ready to pull some lunch together, can you stay?”

  Ben stood, offering his hand to Lizzie and assisting her to her feet. “I wa
s hoping you would say that.”

  “Ah . . . So my nephew had an ulterior motive for delivering a message in person.”

  They climbed the steps to the door. “Guilty as charged!”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lizzie, Dot, and her bridesmaids sat sipping champagne. It was jarring to dress shop after so many heavy days. Life went on, but it seemed frivolous to participate. Lizzie struggled to get into the spirit of the day. Fortunately, the girls were so engaged in the bridesmaid’s dress shopping, no one noticed. Not even Dot. Lizzie tried to concentrate on the parade of asymmetrical, off-the-shoulder, V-neck, halter style, etc. that paraded before the mirror. They are all lovely, pick one, anyone will do. I just want to go home.

  After a half a dozen dresses, Dot decided that the girls could pick any style that suited them, they were all available in the color of Dot’s choice, a pale pink. Lizzie got out the credit card, she had agreed to pay for the bridal party’s dresses, and the girls only needed to get their own shoes, strappy gold heels.

  “What about you, Mama? Do you want to try on a mother of the bride dress?”

  Lizzie shook her head, “I’ve got time, I thought I would get M.A. and Amy to shop with me after the holidays.”

  Dot shrugged her shoulders, “Okay. Can I make a request?”

  “Sure, sweetie, what is it?”

  “Don’t get one of those — you know— ‘mother of the bride’ dresses. You’re too young for that.”

  Lizzie laughed, her mood lifting, “I’ll keep that in mind, my sweet girl. I’m going to settle the bill, why don’t you and the girls head off to lunch. I want to get back to the house to do some reading.”

  [GLYPH]

  Caroline’s last diary was a reassuring read. Lizzie and her father were the center of Caroline’s world. Caroline was happy with her art and happy with motherhood. There was no mention so far of the baby she had given up or her estranged family, but she did reflect on how much she had grown to love Aunt Dorothy and Uncle George.