by Anyta Sunday
His breath came back. “I would, though. If you needed me to, I would.”
In a small, unsure voice, I asked, “Trey, why can’t you walk over cracks?” He unlocked his arms around me and twisted onto his back. I could just make out the darker grey of his profile. “I’m so afraid to tell you. Scared of what you’ll think of me. It’s to do with my aunt as well.”
I fumbled for his hand under the covers. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me anything, but know that I’m not here to judge. Just to listen. When you’re ready, let me be your rock.”
Trey linked his fingers through mine. “Actually, I think I am ready to tell you. After our stupid fight on our hike, that night I saw the photos, I realized I wanted to share my past with you. Only I was too upset at the time.”
I squeezed his hand—the only place we touched. Such a simple hold, and yet I felt so close to Trey. Maybe because this had nothing to do with lust. This was pure caring.
“I was just a kid you know. Not long nine. Aunt Patricia took me for the day. We walked up to Signal Point.”
Images of the old road way came to mind. Lots of day hikes leading off it. “The pavement up there are those concrete slabs. They’re like three feet apart with that unsealed gap between them.” Trey swallowed. “I thought it was fun. Leaping from crack to crack.”
He turned away from me to the wall. I understood this was hard for him, but I didn’t want him to feel ashamed.It’s okay. I’m your rock, remember?
Trey let me slink my arms around his waist. “Patricia kept telling me to calm down. But I kept at my game. I wish I’d listened to her. Had been a good boy. Had stopped when she told me to.” He took a breath. “But I didn’t. She wanted us to cut back down the hill using the stairs, and I ignored her.”
I tightened my hold as he started to sob. “She grabbed my arm. I don’t remember everything, but at the same time I jumped, pulling her with me. But there was this metal bar—the ones that are there to slow bikes down —in front of the steps shfel reme wanted us to go.” His torso shuddered. “It all happened so quickly, but I thought she’d fall on it, and hurt herself, so I…I pushed her away from it. I didn’t mean to hurt her more. I didn’t… think”—sniff —“about the stairs behind her. And—and…when I got down to her she just, just couldn’t move. I didn’t understand.” I reached over and switched on the little lamp by the bed. Startled, Trey sat up. “What’s up?” The edge of panic in his voice saddened me.But it’s understandable he’s worried about my reaction. Like Syd said, telling the people you most care about something difficult is the hardest.Yes, there was more at stake, Trey loved me.
I cupped his face, pushed away a tear with my thumb. “I want you to see me when I say this.” He held my gaze, steady. Good. “I’m sorry for what happened. Sorry for your aunt, and sorry for you. You were just a boy. It was an accident. A horrible one. But an accident.” I kissed away another tear trailing his cheek. “I don’t think of you any differently. My feelings for you are the same.”I care for you deeply, I am completely happy around you, I feel like we’ve always…been.“I—I—” Trey bit his bottom lip. “I want you to know you mean so much to me.”
He frowned a bit, but nodded and forced out a smile. When I turned off the lamp and lay back down to sleep, I had the weird feeling I’d disappointed him somehow. Not that he showed it—he came and snuggled, purred athank youin my ear. Hmmm maybe it wasn’t anything to do with him. Maybe it was something with me.
*** In the morning, I snuck out the room keeping as quiet as I could, not wanting to wake Trey. Judging by his tossing and turning, he’d not slept well. After a coffee that tasted closer to battery acid, Syd rolled into the waiting room.
If I’d thought he looked bad yesterday, today was something else. Large red and grey puffs swallowed up his eyes. His hair stuck up at unnatural angles giving him an almost Einstein-like frizz, and he wore the same clothes as yesterday. Only today they were creased, and didn’t smell so good.
He sat on a hard plastic chair and muttered. “Where are your sisters and Mom?”
“They went to buy flowers or something. They’ll be here soon.” He jiggled his knee.
“Did you ah,”get any sleep at all last night?“sleep all right?” He didn’t answer me, instead stared at the opposite wall. Okay, Syd was officially freaking me out. I felt my pockets. You should give Lucas a quick ring and update him. Tell him for God’s sake to hurry.Shoot, where was my cell?
Dammit! Must’ve left it in the hostel. “You have your cell on you?” I asked. Syd shook his head as if clearing it of thoughts. “What?” “Can I borrow your cell?” He handed his over. I ducked outside the room and rang Trey (I had his number memorized), who promised to bring the cell phone right around. After that I left Lucas a short message. “His dad’s doing fine. Should make a full recovery. Syd’s a little uh . . .” Hysterical? Lost? Not himself? “. . . well, he needs you. He’ll be better when you’re here.”
I clapped the cell shut, and used the bathroom facilities. As I washed my hands I studied my own face in the mirror. I had my mom’s lips, but everything else was my dad. Including my ears, slightly sharp at the top.He’s apart of you. Do you really not want him apart of your life?I jumped at the thought. Where had that come from?
I stepped back from the mirrors and left the bathroom. As I did, Syd appeared and gripped my arm. “Come with me.” He charged down the hall and threw open the door to his dad’s room.
“I want to forgive you,” he said in a rush. His dad pushed himself up slightly. Shocked and, again, relieved to see Syd.
“But I need to know you’re okay with who I am,oing forhe Syd poured out his words, rich in feeling. “So that I can forgive you, I need to know you accept me. That you can you handle who I am without hurting me again. Can you handle”—he grabbed me and planted a kiss, long and deep. I didn’t go with it, but in my shock I didn’t pull away either. Shit, Syd, couldn’t you have waited a little longer for that demonstration?—“me kissing another guy?”
A flash of coat whizzed by the open door. Great. And we’d made a public show of it as well. I searched Syd’s tired eyes. He was a wreck. He didn’t know what he was doing. Well, certainly he didn’t mean it in any way other than to make a point. That I was one hundred and ten percent sure. Still, it was a risky one. What if his dad wasn’t ready to accept him? I glanced at the ECG machine. Shit, what if it’d worsened his condition? Poor Syd was too out of it to think straight.
“So, Dad?” Syd rocked on his feet, and I grabbed him, concerned he’d fall. “What do you think?” His dad exhaled. Slow. “Sydney, I’ve had many years to learn about what being gay is. I—I didn’t know much back then.” He shut his eyes, wincing. “I’m so—so very sorry for the way I behaved. Every day I regretted… I lost you, boy. You meant so much to me, and I lost you. I love you. Have always loved you. And, I—I don’t care who it is you fall in love with.” He glanced at me and back at Syd. “So, the answer to your question is yes. I accept everything you choose to be.” His voice cracked.
More tears ran down Syd’s face. He nodded. “Then”—clear throat—“let’s call this a second beginning.” Syd stepped back toward the door. “But we’re going to have to take things slow. This… this is enough for today.”
His dad nodded, and we left the room. Syd asked me to leave him alone for a few minutes while he went for a small walk. I grabbed a magazine in the waiting room, flipping through it, but unable to concentrate on anything. I checked the time. Had Trey fallen back asleep? Or had he forgotten about my cell?
Syd’s ‘small walk’ turned out to be an hour and a half. Trey hadn’t made it here, and without Syd’s cell, I’d had to use a pay phone. Trey’s phone didn’t ring and an automated message told me to try again later.
I tried ringing my phone to see if he’d pick that up, but it eventually went to the mailbox. My stomach knotted. Something about this didn’t feel right. I rang my phone again. This time someone picked up on the third ring.
“Shane? Your cell must have slipped out your pocket. It was on the seat here.”
I hung up and reeled into the waiting room, checking the corners as if Trey lurked there waiting for me.
What would have possessed him to—I stared at Syd fiddling with my phone. Fuck!
That was it. Must have been. He sawthat kiss. Chapter Nineteen THE MOMENT SYD kissed me replayed in my head. That flash of coat in the doorway—must have been his.He’d been right there, and I didn’t even know it. And he’d misunderstood. This could be fixed, if he’d come back or pick up his damn phone.Just talk to me.
I slammed my phone down on the passenger seat, feeling awful. Drove back to the dorms, but he wasn’t there. I waited the whole night for him to get back. But he didn’t show. Not that night. Not the night after. Or the one after that. I missed classes. Rang his cell phone every few hours, but each time was the same. Not only had he switched his phone off, he’d disconnected the message system.That’s howbad I hurt him. He doesn’t dad p feweven want to hear my voice anymore. I wrote three separate emails explaining the situation, but no reply came back. I just had to talk to him. Had to let him know I was sorry, the kiss meant nothing. Nothing!
Shit! This looked like I’d fucked up royally. How could Syd have been so stupid? And how could I blame him? He was distraught. But I should’ve moved or something. Why did I have to be shocked? And then, when I needed to speak to him, why couldn’t I get through? I needed to make things right between us again.
I pressed my head against the window, the cool glass a small relief. Like I had the past few days, I watched the parking lot. Really, I knew he wouldn’t come past there, he had no need to, but I haunted the lot, just in case—not wanting to miss him. Miss him. Fuck I missed him.
I banged against the glass, wiped my foggy breath off with my sleeve and turned to Trey’s bed. Where I’d slept the past few nights. Where had he slept?—It wasn’t home, I’d already driven around there.
I peeled back the nicely made bed (I’d spent a considerable amount of time re-organizing and dusting while I cried), stripped to my t-shirt and boxers and slid in the bed. His scent wrapped around me, holding me in place of him. It wasn’t the same. But it was something.
Who cared that it was the middle of the day? Besides, I was tired.Because you spend the nights thinking of Trey, of your time together, and thinking of the perfect words to say to him when you see him.But perfect words didn’t exist. I only had one explanation with a desperate edge to them.He has to believe me. He would. If I could ever get through to him, right?
I brought one of the longer pillows next to me and held it. If I rested the corner edging of the pillow so it slightly touched my nose, I slept better. The tingly sensation reminded me of Trey’s sweet kisses.
Close to drifting off, a knock came at the door. I lurched out of bed, alert. Was it Trey? Two steps toward the door, I slowed down, my stomach fell. Of course it’s not him. He had a key. I hesitated at the door, and turned back. Whoever it was, I wasn’t in the mood.
Halfway to the bed, June’s voice sung through the door. “Shane? I heard you moving in there. Open up.” I sat and stared at the door. In a worried voice, she called again, “Shane?”
Damn. I couldn’t notanswer her. June had enough troubles, she didn’t need mine added to them. “Uh, I don’t feel well. You’d better not come in here…you might, ah, catch it.”
“I’ll take my chances. Now open up.” With reluctance, I opened the door. She pushed past me into the room. Glanced at Trey’s freshly unmade bed, keeping her expression neutral, but veered toward my side of the room.
“What’s up, June?” “I think that’s supposed to by my question.” She reached up and opened the top window, letting in fresh air. “You missed two of our English classes. You didn’t reply to my texts.” She didn’t put her hands on her hips, or waggle her finger, but there was enough ‘mom’ in her tone to make her words a telling off.
“I was busy.” Yeah, busy moping about, or shining up Trey’s senior year basketball trophy. Which now glowed at night, by the way.
June saw right through it and shook her head. “What’s really up? You’re eyes are all puffy, you look like you haven’t shaved and showered for days.”
That’s because I haven’t.“I was just about to.” “Okay, if you’re not going to open up to me, I’ll just have to give you my opinion.” She took a breath and met my eye. “Trey hasn’t been around. Hasn’t called me lately, though he promised. His phone’s off. You’re living in here like a hermit. Something happened with you guys.”
She reached out. A comforting hand on my arm. And —crack—the story poured out of me. When I got to the part where in, es, she Trey must’ve seen Syd kissing me, she gave a longohhhhh.
She motioned for us both to sit. “Have you been in here since then?” Yes. Except for my desperate attempts to find him. I didn’t need to say it, she understood. Though just the sight of me was probably a dead giveaway.
“What about work?” “I called in sick. For the week.” Which I was. At least I’d never felt so physically shit. Ever. “Hmmm. And have you even eaten properly.” “Sure.” I flicked a hand toward the trash can.
“Muesli bars aren’t enough.” She got up, patting my shoulder. “Stay here, I’m bringing you some lunch. Something proper.”
In twenty minutes she was back with stir-fry from the Chinese place close to campus. “They gave us forks this time.” I smiled briefly, remembering the meal and how long it took to wash out of my hair. We ate and June kept me company until she had to go to class. Once she’d gone, I decided I needed to pull myself more together. I pulled on some sweats and went for a long jog—after three, almost four days the physical exertion offered some relief.
I showered. Shaved. Came back to the dorm room. The half-empty whiskey bottle on Trey’s shelf holding up his math books sent another pang through me. I needed to find him.
I grabbed my keys, it was a ridiculous plan, but at least driving around would feel active. I’d check places I knew he liked to hang out. Maybe he was playing pool?
Just as I shoved one foot in a shoe, another knock came at the door. I scanned the room, was June back already? Had she left something here?
I opened up, and was surprised to see Syd. He carried two takeaway coffees with him. “Here you go.” Stepped into the room and sat on my desk chair. Took a sip of coffee and met my gaze. He looked like his usual self, composed, together, hair tamed. “I wanted to thank you for being there with me until Lucas got there. I think you got the worst of my, ah, reactions. I’m sorry for that. And for being so completely stupid. I mean,” his face reddened, “that kiss didn’t mean anything, you know. I was…was just…I hope Trey won’t kill me.”
I lowered my gaze and kicked the shoe back off. Keep calm. It’s not his fault.“Trey’s disappeared. I think he saw that kiss and got the wrong idea.”
Syd paused mid sip. “What?” He rested the cup on my desk. “Oh, shit. God, I’m so sorry. I feel awful. I never should have…I don’t know what I was thinking. I…is there something I can do, or…?”
I shook my head. “No. I just hope to sort this all out soon. If only I could reach him.” “He’s not picking up?” “No. He’s not answering my emails either.”
“But did you explain it in the emails?” I gave him a look. “Okay, dumb question. But surely he would understand? He has to be somewhere he can’t check his mail. Crashing in another dorm room, perhaps? Hmm, but there’s always internet access in the library.”
Internet access. The words hit me like a slap in the face. “Oh my God, I know where he is.” How could I not have thought of that earlier? It was the perfect retreat. “He’s gone camping.”
I explained about the hike we’d taken last weekend as I rested the coffee on top of my dresser and grabbed a daypack. I bega
n stuffing things in it. I’d need to buy some water and something to snack on, but I could get that on the way.
Syd took my pack away. “I can’t let you go hiking now. It’s already past five. Once you drive out there it’d be much too dark to walk four hours. Just wait until tomorrow, Shane.”
My muscles tensed. I wanted to rip the bag from him and be on my way. But he had a point. “Fuck it. Every minute he thinks I’ve betrayed him hurts like hell. How must he be feeling right now? This is all shit.”
Syd placed the bag on the desk chair and faothe so soced me. “I’m truly, truly sorry for you. But go first thing tomorrow morning. Be safe.”
I gave a slow nod. He was right. Dammit. Picking up the coffee again, I drank. What would I do to pass the evening away?
“Did you want to come out to theBuymebarwith Lucas and I?”
“No thanks. I’m not in the best mood, I—another time?” “Sure.” And then, because I was curious what Lucas’s reaction had been, and possibly I was searching for hope, I asked, “How did Lucas take it when you told him you kissed me?”
“Well, it was different from what you’ll have with Trey. I got to explain the circumstances first”—he paused—“and it possibly helped that he saw just how much of a train wreck I was. He understood, though wished he’d been there earlier —not just for the kiss bit, but for the whole thing. He didn’t like how useless he felt. But he is extremely thankful I had you there with me.” Syd smiled. Good to see he was better. “And so am I. You’re an awesome friend and person.”
Opening the door to let himself out, he added, “If you need anything, give me a shout.” I moved over to my day pack and rested it on the floor. Tomorrow. I pulled out my cell and set the alarm for five. An almost empty battery flashed in the top corner of the screen.Better charge it. Don’t want to miss the wake up call.I opened my bedside table drawer where I kept the charger. Out with the tangled cord came a small slip of paper. I plucked it up and rested it on top of the notepad I had in there. I paused, fingers resting on it. Then lifted it out and flipped through the first couple of pages.