by Anyta Sunday
Until I reached the notes of that ‘R’ rated song I’d started the same evening Trey and I got together. I read over them. Yeah, true I loved the sexy bits with Trey, but—I grabbed a pen. There was so much more. Carried away, I churned out paragraph after paragraph of what I felt about him.
As I finished, an idea formulated in my mind. I rummaged through my desk things, and then Trey’s until I found a workable highlighter. Using it, I highlighted key phrases. Words that meant the most.
With my phone plugged in, I rang Syd. He picked up on the second ring. “Shane? You alright?”
I nodded. “Ah, yes. Look, actually, there is something you could do for me…”
After clarifying what I wanted, I rang June and told her the plan. “Okay,” she said, “you have to let me help, though. While you’re doing your thing, I’ll make sure he gets there.” I crossed my fingers it would all work out.Because it might not.“But, Shane… Dad is here on Saturday morning. Please don’t miss it.” Pause. “Please?”
“If things don’t go well with Trey, he’ll have to understand.” “Just try, okay?”
“I will.” I think, maybe, Iwantedto. And not just for June’s sake.
*** At quarter past five, I was in my car. Exactly forty-five minutes later, making it six on the dot, I arrived at the parking lot to the hiking trail. I tightened the laces on my running shoes, strapped the day pack firmly around me, clipping at the chest and waist, and began at a jog through the grove. I figured I could run a good 8 miles and walk the rest of the way. I could get there in just over two hours.
The first half-hour I ran without seeing anyone. Slap, slap, slurp, my feet hit the earthy floor, sometimes in muddy puddles. I would be caked in dirt by the time I got there. Didn’t matter, keep moving.
My breathing came hard and fast as I went up the steady incline. Muscles ached, and I only stopped long enough for some water. At the highest point, voices greeted me. I slowed down as I weaved through the children. Their parents came up behind slogging their tent and packs. They waved politely, and I stopped. Puffing, I asked them if they’d seen anyone of Trey’s description at the camping grouothet try, oknds.
“Yeah, tall fella,” the dad said. “Helped us gut some fish. Didn’t want any to eat though. Looked a bit sick if you ask me.”
I hurried a thanksas I took off. Faster than before. I had to slow down.Pace yourself. Thirty minutes and an unforgiving stitch later, I conceded to a walk. Chewed on some power bars and drank most of my water. Sweat slickened my skin, cooling me quickly in the shaded wood. I pulled on a top and increased my speed. Checking my clock, I’d been on the path two hours.Not long now.
Crunch. Crunch. How many leaves had I stepped on already? How many more till I got there? Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
The path widened. Streams of light filtered through the now sparse wood.Somewhere here Trey had taken me to unbury a token of his past. He’d shared that moment.The thought made me warm and cold at the same time. I hurried my step.Need to explain. Make things right again.
My breathing hitched as through the last of the trees I saw his tent. My heart beat hard in my chest, a moment of nerves had me frozen to the spot, I readied myself and moved over to his Tent.
“Trey?” I whispered. Would he still be sleeping? Should I perhaps wait until he’d gotten up? I didn’t want to scare him.
The tent door was partially open and I peeked inside. Empty. I straightened and surveyed the camping ground. My gaze landed on a figure by the lake skimming stones. Trey.
I stepped from behind his tent and made my way across the grass and over the pebbles toward him.
In a soft tone, I called, “Trey…” Chapter Twenty THE SILENCE WENT on way too long. Dammit, say something more.“Trey…” Again I lost my voice. The words in my head evaporating as his saddened face turned to me. For a moment lightness gleamed in his eyes, but it quickly settled into confusion.
He stared at me, his mouth partially opened, a frown deepening. Despite being out in the open air, I felt enclosed—in a place entirely too small that it suffocated my purpose. My words. Apology.Talk now! Say something. Explain.
I sucked in a breath. Hoped it would help. “Trey—”
“Shane?—” we both spoke at once. Then both hesitated to allow the other one to continue.But it’s me that needs to speak.I nodded to myself and stepped closer to Trey. I winced inwardly when he took one back.
“This is all a misunderstanding,” I said. “What you saw, or think you saw…it wasn’t like that.”
“And what did I see then? Tell me how that kiss was an accident, because I’ve tried to come up with ways to make it not true, Shane, but I can’t. I was right there. I saw it. You didn’t even try to push away…”
The air felt heavy, threatening to rob my breath. “No, I didn’t. Because I was too shocked. I hadn’t expected that. But I also didn’t return the kiss, Trey.” I took another step toward him and was relieved when he didn’t step back. He seemed nervous. Unsure. But—and I hope I wasn’t reading this wrong—hopeful.
I scanned the shore until my gaze rested on an old log. I motioned towards it and Trey moved over. Unsaid confirmation we were going to talk.
“Syd was very—extremely upset.” I heard the defensiveness in my voice. The almost whining,believe me, believe me.I took a deep calming breath. Trey is listening. I tried to detail Syd’s background sufficiently without going into too much detail, leading to that morning in the hospital. “So, he was a wreck. He didn’t stop to think when he pulled me into that kiss. He just…he wanted to know his father would love him no matter what. He didn’t want to have to feel afraid anymore. It meant nothing more than that. For both of us.”
Another silence settled over us. Even tg groat. For bhe rustling of the trees tapered off.Please say something.
He sighed, picked up a smooth stone wedged under the log and threw it at the lake. It made a small splash at the edge.
“I didn’t know how much you liked me, Shane. I knew you found me attractive. I knew you liked me even. I just. I thought maybe I was wrong about how much. And then the next morning I saw you kissing him.” Adams apple bobbed up and down working at hiding the hurt. The next morning? I skimmed through the events the evening before the kiss. The toothbrush incident. Trey’s opening up about his aunt. And then—oh. Dammit. My response. My failure to return those words to him.
And as if to confirm it, Trey continued, “You know what hurt most, what”—he pressed his chest—“had this terrible pressure was the thought I wanted this ‘us’ more than you did.”
I didn’t like how he spoke in the past tense. Did it mean he didn’t want an ‘us’ anymore? My heart raced as I stared at him.
He looked down at the turned up earth at his feet, grinding his heels into it. “But then you turned up here. I actually thought I was dreaming at first.” The smallest smile kissed the side of his lips. “The moment I saw you, I knew I was wrong. Had overreacted. I do mean something to you. Have to. In that second the pressure in my chest just disappeared. But I was still confused at that kiss.”
In a humbled voice, and daring to slide closer, I asked, “Are you still confused about it?” “No. I trust you, Shane. I believe you. I’m so fucking thrilled to understand it.” He rested his hand on the log, a finger width from my own.
“So what are we saying? Are we…good?” I eliminated the distance between our hands so our pinkies touched. Trey hooked his little finger around mine, still staring out at the water. “We’re good.” I squeezed my pinky around his and for over thirty minutes we sat, a comfortable quiet cradling us. Neither quite sure what to do next, but happy to go with whatever.
As I searched the trees, the shore, the lake, as I watched the sky brighten, I thought over Trey’s concerns. Sadly, I could see where his thoughts about my feelings toward him came from. While he had opened up to me about some of his most private memories, I had yet to share him any of mine. I wanted to know him, be there for him. But I hadn’t given h
im the same courtesy.He wants to knowme too, be there for me. But he wants me to let him.
I let go of his hand, squeezing mine tight at my side. “I hate cheesecake. Hate the way it’s so smooth against my teeth. There’s nothing to chew. I feel like I’m eating baby food. I dislike watching sport on TV except for field hockey and occasionally soccer—uh, and I sort of like figure skating. Not that I’d ever want to do it—I just like the skill.” Now it was my turn to ground my heel into the dirt. “I’m sorry, but I also know shit all about basketball. Actually, to the point it’s embarrassing.” I told him stupid facts about myself, working up to more personal things. “And I love playing video games even if Syd can kick my ass any day of the week. Oh and I was bored shirtless by Die Hard.”
I took a deep breath and continued before he had a chance to say anything, “When I was seven I teased the boy I sat next to about a scar on his face.” God, I was ashamed of that one.
“And at ten I cheated on a school test. I didn’t have many friends. So I was pretty much a loner except for June and Dylan until I met Ryan in high school. Dylan was my first best friend. He had leukemia and died before his thirteenth birthday. I didn’t cry when my mom told me. Not straight away, at least. I was afraid my dad would hear about it and think I was a wuss. That he’d come up with some way to teach me a lesson. When I went to his funeral I didn’t take any tissues with me—I really thought I’d be able to hold back those tears just worried about whanothe way tot Dad would think. But I cried hard. Wailed. Nose running, everything, the works. And that was the moment I realized my dad was wrong. I listened to Dylan’s dad give a speech about all the wonderful things Dylan was. He was crying too and not ashamed of it. I felt so guilty that I’d even tried to hold back those tears. I was ashamed that he was looking down on me and hurting because of it—because I was willing to not show him that I cared.”
I felt a hand on my knee and a shadow cast over me. Looking up, Trey knelt in front of me. I wiped my eyes. I hadn’t seen him move. Or even realized I’d been crying.
“I think I started to hate my dad then. Because of that. He never said anything directly, but just the way he was—I feared his reaction…”
Trey rubbed his hands up and down my thighs, the saddest expression on his beautiful face. “He used to tell Mom he loved her. All the time. Yet he always managed to hurt her or one of us, somehow. Never physically, emotionally. I know I was only young when they split up, but I remember him saying those words like it was a period to a sentence. But they didn’t mean anything. He said it, but never showed it.” I risked a longer look at Trey, and kept his gaze while I whispered, “I don’t want to be my dad, Trey. That’s why I’m afraid of those words—coming fromme.”
He wiped my tear stained cheeks with the back of his hand. “I don’t know your dad, but I from what I hear about him you arenothinglike him. I know you as kind, and generous and sensitive. I know what it’s like to live with family who care very little about my feelings, you give me so much. I see how you are with June, with the kids at school, with me— you’re certainly the most amazing guy I know. And it’s why I love you.” He gazed at his hands on my thighs. “I understand you not wanting to say those words back to me. And…That’s okay, say it when you’re ready.” He met my gaze again. “When you’re truly ready.”
I nodded and felt a whisper of a sigh leave me. “I’m sorry, Trey.”
“For what?” “The misunderstanding. For being so God-damn slow to figure out where you were. For your hurting. For not telling you any of this earlier.”
“Then I’m sorry too. For being so rash and coming on out here without even giving you the chance to say something. The hurt dumbified me.”
“Dumbified?”
“Yeah, dumbified.” He looked at my shoes like he only just noticed them. “Did you run here?” His voice incredulous. Taken aback. “I didn’t want you thinking any longer than you had to that I betrayed you. But I, ah, only ran three quarters.” Trey’s hands traveled once more up my thighs, but this time they didn’t stop. Lightly, he dragged his fingers up my sides, over my chest, until they rested either side of my cheeks. He pressed forward, and I opened my knees so he could get closer. Inches apart, his warmth soaked through my clothes. He pressed his forehead against mine. Whispered my name. His lovely long lashes kissed mine, tingling. Sweet.
His tongue darted across his lower lip. Mine did the same. He breathed against the wetness. More tingles. His hands moved to push back my hair. Grazed the back of my neck.
Before he came a fraction closer, I closed the distance. Our kiss soft, welcoming, thankful of each other. I didn’t want it to stop, and somehow, even once he’d pulled away, it didn’t. The taste of him lingered, I could still feel the light weight of his lips. The image of an invisible line between and attached to us filled my head.
“I love it when you smile.” Trey brushed another short kiss onto it. My smile only grew.
“Let’s pack your tent up and get back to the dorms.” I assumed I had a rather suggestive glint in my eye— certainly I did in my voice.
Trey laughed and waggled his brow. “Hell, yeah. In fact, why wait till we get home?” He moti’thad oned the empty shore, letting his gaze linger on a soft patch of grass not too far behind us. “No one’s about.”
I bit my lip. Tempting. But—“I hardly imagine either of us brought protection out here. Considering our purposes.” Trey shook his head, grinning. “You didn’t plan on makeup sex? Damn. Okay, but so you know, the next time we have any sort of misunderstanding,be prepared.” He grabbed my arms and hauled me gently to my feet. Then hooking his fingers into the waistband of my shorts, pulled me up onto the bank and into a lovely patch of sun. “Still. There’s other stuff we can do.”
Liking the sound of that… *** Hmm, yeah, so our playing? Rolling? Frolicking? (yeah, naked, of course!) Well, whatever it was called, it ended up consuming the rest of the morning. By the time we reached my car, crisp blue fall day laced the sky. As soon as my cell phone had gained reception, I’d informed the Mrs. Rollins that we would in fact be coming in today. On the count of the fact I’d never once had a sick day, no questions were asked.
We drove to the school directly, making it in time for the last bell. Mrs. Rollins smiled at Trey as we picked up the keys. Curious—okay, and maybe with more than a hint of a scowl, I watched Trey’s reaction out the corner of my eye. He gave her a polite grin, a somewhat hard edge to it that didn’t promote further flirting.
We quickly made our escape and headed to the gym. “Did I pass your test, Shane?”
“Test? What test?” Though my cheeks reddened. “Did I behave better with her this time? You know, you don’t ever have to worry.”
“I know.” We made our way to the gymnasium where the kids gathered. They ran around us whooping as usual. Jo tugged on Trey’s sleeve, and told him he’d grown. “But I’m positive. I can prove it. Stand over there by the window…” her voice trailed off and she made for the other side of the gymnasium.
I allowed myself a moment to watch how he interacted with the kids. He was like, like a big brother. The kids looked up to him, and he in return knew when to be fun and when to be firm. I took a mental snapshot of him holding his hand above his head and measuring it against the window frame, a large grin on his face.I’m going to treasure that for a long, long time.
“Okay, okay,” I said to the swarm of kids now hovering around me. “Gather round in a circle, everybody.” With the usual hot-cold enthusiasm, the kids formed a dented ring. I picked up a soft ball from the bins of equipment at the side wall. “How do we feel about playing dodge ball?”
Some of the kids groaned, but most jumped up and down and started dividing themselves into two teams. “Wait a second, please. I’ll nominate captains and then they will each take turns picking team members.” That way it would lead to an even game. “Okay, Shannon, you’re captain for the blue team.” I handed her a set of matching colored bibs.
“And,” I
said, moving with the red bibs to Paul, “You are also captain.”
It surprised me then, when Paul picked Karl first. Was this strategy? Picking the best players? Or had I missed something? For the next half-hour I studied the two carefully. They sure played well together when they wanted to.
Trey busted me for a frown when, after the game, Karl clapped a friendly hand on Paul’s shoulder. Was I seeing this correctly? I mean, cool stuff, just,huh?
Karl hung out with Jessie after that and barely laid eyecontact on Paul again for the rest of the afternoon, but, well, it was a start. And I’d never expected or even wanted that the two became best buds or anything.Just that acceptance is nice.
At the end of work, Paul hung behind until I’d finished talking to some of the parents picking up their children. He gave me a shy grin. “C-can we p-play hoc-key again next time? I l-likevate captad that a lot. I’ve b-been practicing.”
I ruffled the hair on his head. “Sure thing.” Soon only Trey and I remained in the gym. He grabbed a basketball from the containers at the side and threw it neatly into the hoop. The ball bounced on the wooden floors, the sound ricocheting off the walls. “How’d you mind if we taught the kids a little basketball too, sometime?” He plucked the ball from the ground and hooked it under his arm. “I could teach them the rules and explain how the game works?”
I could see through his suggestion. In fact, I bet he counted on it. “Sure,” I said, battling down the flush threatening to make an appearance. Why not two birds with one… basketball? “I’m sure they’d love that.”
That night we stayed at Trey’s. He said he was keen on making me a dessert to die for, and I quite willing obliged. Especially at the mention of just how much chocolate would be going into the dish.Yum.