by Liza James
Because there is someone I do want, someone I'm eager to get to know. Someone I'm anxious to touch and fucking feel again. For just a second, another split moment before I decide it's time for me to get away.
Aura made me forget things for a fraction of time, things like Dom and the bullshit he puts me through every single fucking night. I just want to forget again. Her energy cleanses mine in an addictive way. I'm not used to it. It's a new high I want to experience over and over and fucking over again.
Then she does it, her fingers slip over the thin strands of my fishnets, her skin courses against my own flesh and I wait for something to spark underneath her touch. But it doesn't happen, and it's just another signal from the Universe telling this isn't any sort of connection I need.
But I let her continue in silence, watching her hand as it drifts farther up my thigh. The pit of hesitation in my stomach grows but I keep still, trailing her movements as her fingers grip and explore my skin. My body tenses, the immediate force of defense begins lighting up in alert and my eyes lift to meet hers as I speak.
"Do you think I'm into you?" I ask, my voice laced with a tenor of curiosity and an edge of dismissal.
We turn into the parking lot of what appears to be a newer apartment complex. It seems whatever Vibe Girl and Hawk do for a living gets them into a decently average living space. Leagues ahead of what mine offers on my inferior pay from the club. But I have a feeling that has to do with the cut Sal takes from each of us, not from what I actually bring in. Truthfully, before I have to divvy out payment, I make a great paycheck.
Beth's eyes meet mine as she parks into a designated compact space that fits her car. It reeks of entitlement in here and I want to gag on the stench of her energy. Her eyes turn hard and an inky darkness spreads across her features. She unbuckles her seatbelt and then returns her hold on my thigh. “I think you'd do better to be into me rather than my fucking friend, if that's what you're referring to. She'd never be into you. You don't fucking know her like I do." Her words are harsh, raw bolts of emotion that she throws at me. But she leans forward, breaching the distance across the center between our seats and leans her body over my own. Her other hand lands on my opposite leg, gripping tightly as she comes closer. I don’t break eye contact. I don’t look away or shrug her off. I’m not fucking afraid, and I’m curious to know where she’s going with this. “And I think you fucking like it when I touch you.”
Silence. A quiet tense barrier builds between us in a way I can’t explain. She’s fucking toxic, and there’s something lingering under her words and touch that sets me on edge in similar ways that Dom does.
Knock, knock.
Beth’s eyes fly upwards and over my shoulder in order to look out of the vehicle. Her hand leaves my leg to click the button as she rolls down the window, but her other remains on my body, staking her claim in a way that she thinks is necessary. She has no fucking idea that I’ll destroy her in a second if I need to.
“Aura, I’m sorry. Can you give us a moment? I promise we’ll be up in just a second.” She plasters a fake smile across her face while her eyes dance with pride, as if she’s glad Aura just caught us in a compromising position. Does Aura see the way her friend plays her? It’s blatantly obvious to me, but I have no idea how she’s witnessing this.
More silence, and I twist my head to look over my shoulder at Aura. For a split moment, my heart hammers in my chest at her expression. It’s a mixed wash of surprise and disappointment. Her bright green eyes are narrowed at her friend while her brows pinch in the center of her forehead. My own gaze tracks the movement of her left hand, she’s rubbing her fingers together before quickly tapping them against her thigh as if she’s uncomfortable.
“Aura? Where’s Hawk? Why don’t you go upstairs and I’ll be right behind you,” Beth speaks again and suddenly I’m fucking angry. She’s speaking to Aura as if she’s stupid, coaxing her into doing what she says with a sweet voice and reassuring smile. It’s pure manipulation and I can feel the waves of indecision radiating off of Aura.
Jesus, what has this girl been through that she’s so willing to let someone else walk all over her and rule her decisions?
“Yeah, sure,” she finally replies just as she turns to walk away from the car. But I quickly place a hand on Beth’s shoulder and push her away from me.
“Actually, I think we’re done here,” I say flatly as I sit up and reach behind me, opening the car door and stepping out. Aura stumbles back a step, her eyes wide as she watches me in silence. “What? Afraid of me now are you?” I lean forward and take a strand of her long brown hair, wrapping it around my finger before I tug sharply. I drop it just as quickly, letting a smirk pull at my lips before I turn around and walk ahead of her.
“Are you going to show me which one is yours? Or do I have to knock on every single door before I get it right?” I ask as I look back over my shoulder. Aura stands completely still, her shoulders rigid and her face blank of emotion. It catches me off guard for a split moment, just before she shakes her head and visibly relaxes. She steps forward and hurries after me, taking the lead as we walk up a flight of stairs towards her apartment.
I hear Beth slam her car door shut and dash after us, but I don’t spare her another glance. She’s disgusted me for tonight already and I truthfully, I want nothing to do with her.
R12.
That’s the number for my apartment.
I’ve always hated it. I actually begged the complex manager to let us move into a different unit.
It brings back awful memories. Things that continue to haunt me, every single fucking night. But it’s been getting better, and I intentionally try to look away from our unit number every time we come home. The path is second nature now. Park the car in the third space on the left. Walk straight four paces and then take a slight turn to the right. Walk up one flight of stairs, seventeen to be exact and my door is the one directly on the left.
R12.
Twelfth rung.
The Ladder of Ascension.
I quickly turn the knob and open the door, immediately letting Ruby and Bethie in behind me. Hawk and Chad are already in the kitchen, microwaving what looks to be a bowl of nacho cheese which is quickly confirmed by the bag of tortilla chips opened on the counter.
Hawk glances up at us, points to the chips and dip as he reveals the heated bowl and says, “Dinner is ready!”
I laugh, as does Bethie, but Ruby is actually the first one to drop her bag and head into the kitchen, immediately taking the dip in her hands and jumping her ass on my counter.
Her ass is on my counter.
I’m both annoyed and slightly turned on by it.
Another fucking mental slap on the wrist at my loose thought. I’m not turned on by it, I’m just confused after experiencing so many conflicting things tonight.
My eyes drop to her lips, watching her as she speaks to Hawk, already fucking comfortable. Already making friends with my boyfriend and finding herself at home in my personal space.
I glance to my right and find that Bethie is leaning against the wall, her arms crossed around her chest as her eyes narrow at Ruby. I don’t know what was happening between them in the car when I walked up, but it made my skin itchy and my head ache with frustration.
“Are you both going to eat? Or just stand there and awkwardly watch us?” Ruby announces, holding the bowl out in front of her in offering. Her voice is playful though, and I’m glad that some of the tension from earlier has left the group.
I step forward, squaring my shoulders and walking into the kitchen. I shift towards Ruby, snagging a chip from the bag for myself and dipping it into the nacho bowl she holds in her lap.
It seems really mundane, dipping a fucking chip into cheese. But there is something oddly erotic about it when I realize that Ruby’s eyes are trained tightly to my mouth while I eat. I glance around the room, confused as to why they’re all actually watching the both of us.
“What? What the fuck are you guys
looking at?” I ask as I lift a hand to my mouth.
“Here,” Ruby’s darker voice breaks through as her hand launches forward and grips the hem of my sweater. She drags me between her legs, pressing my body against hers as she lifts her thumb and sweeps it across the edge of my lower lip. My eyes are on her, her eyes are on me, and my heart begins thumping so loudly I’m worried Hawk will be able to hear.
“Actually, I’d much rather do this.” Suddenly, Ruby leans down and forward, her lips coming closer to mine in a heated movement that has every inch of my body lighting up on alert. I’m frozen, paralyzed in both intrigue and fear when Beth’s arm wraps around my wrist and she yanks me back.
“Aura! What the hell? You have a boyfriend and Hawk is right fucking here.” Her voice is so much higher than I expect. It practically pings through the small kitchen like sonar. I lift a hand and rub my fingers across my temple, pinching my eyes closed for just a moment.
“Yeah, sorry. Wow,” I say quietly, confused at my own lack of control. I glance to Hawk, who’s arms are crossed tightly around his check and his jaw flickers in the subtlest indication of irritation.
“Hey Bethie,” Ruby’s voice bites out between us. “How about you mind your own fucking business?”
My eyes shoot up to Ruby, but she isn’t looking at me, and truthfully she hardly looks phased. But I can see the small wash of red that’s working its way up from her chest and along her neck.
“Seriously,” Chad murmurs beside me and my eyes widen at the both of them.
“Why? Because I’m the only one being fucking responsible tonight? Aura has to be careful, we don’t want to push her too far on her big night out,” Beth argues, her hands lifting and waving wildly around her in order to exaggerate her point. Her gaze softens and turns to me. “I just want to protect you.”
I smile reassuringly, but the mixed emotions about me being careful has me a little frustrated. “She’s right, okay? Sorry, it wasn’t anything. I just got caught up for a second. My head is still hurting from earlier.” I try to maintain the peace, hoping to kill the conversation with that.
“Besides, I’m surprised you’d even entertain the idea of kissing her after how The Nation raised you.” Beth’s words sound around me in waves of vague memories. It feels like a dream, like something cryptic and haunting all at the same time. It pierces through my mind in sharp stabs of agonizing pain and at the same time, wraps around my shoulders in bolts of nostalgia.
“What did you just say?” I ask quietly as I slowly turn my gaze towards Bethie. My skin is icing over in rage while my heart loses control in its rhythm and practically breaks through my chest in order to escape. No one mentions my past. No one brings that up. It hits me differently than people realize, and I’ve avoided talking about this for years now.
“What is The Nation?” I hear Ruby ask behind me, but all of a sudden it’s so quiet in this room that I can hear every individual heavy breath of each person.
“It’s the colony that Aura was—”
I slam my hand forward, wrapping around Beth’s neck as I shove her against the wall. Everything breaks out around me, Hawk rushes forward and Chad tries to reach for Beth. I hear it all happening, I can practically see it happening with my own eyes but all of a sudden it’s like I’m having an out of body experience. I can’t fucking stop myself, can’t control the rage that’s boiling inside me at the mention of my past.
So fucking freely she brought it up. So fucking easily. A casual mention of something so traumatic, like it means nothing to her.
But it means everything to me.
“How dare you?” I seethe, grinding my teeth together while I speak. Her hand wraps around my wrist and tries pulling out of my hold. But I don’t let go, I can’t just yet.
“Aura, let her go. She didn’t mean to.” Hawk places his hands on my shoulders and I want to rip them off of me. Don’t fucking touch me, not right now. Not like this.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it. I was just angry, Aura. You know I only want to keep you safe.” Safe. Guarded. Protection. “I want to protect you, I don’t think she’s safe,” she whispers the last words as she glances over my shoulder.
Fuck. Slowly everything starts spinning slower, the pace dies down and my mind begins processing what’s happening but is also alerted to the fact that I might be in danger.
Technically, The Nation could have sent Ruby intentionally, to distract me, to try and remind me that I’m a sinner. Remind me what I’ve forsaken. Remind me of what’s coming in the future. Possibly bring me back to The Nation all together.
No. No, they wouldn’t do that. They’ve never used strategies like that to recruit new members. Participating in same gender seduction tactics? That would taint their vessels before ascending. They wouldn’t risk it.
And the fact that I’m even thinking like this again is what’s scaring me the most. I haven’t used those words—vessels, ascending, rungs, recruits—in so fucking long. I can’t go back there.
I stumble backwards, releasing Bethie’s neck and dropping my hands to my knees as I try to catch my breath. “I’m sorry,” I say breathlessly. “I’m sorry, Bethie.”
Beth lunges forward and wraps her arms around my shoulders, pulling me against her as she strokes her hand down my hair in comfort. “It’s okay, Aura. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to. I forgive you,” she whispers against my ear so that only I can hear.
Breathe. Fucking breathe, Aura.
I force steady inhales, trying to collect my thoughts and clear my head of my past. But it’s right there at the forefront now, breathing down my neck and lighting me on fire.
So much fucking blood.
I stumble backwards and move out of the kitchen. I need to get away from everyone. I need clean fucking spaces. “Ruby can sleep in the guest room. Hawk, if you show her where the pillows and blankets are.” I rub my hands over my eyes, squeezing them shut for a moment before blinking them open again. “I’m going to bed. Night, everyone.”
Hawk nods in response. Chad watches with wide eyes, clearly unsure of what to say and I don’t even look at Ruby. I don’t want to see a face that tells me she thinks I’m crazy. I already know she does. After what I just did? I’m fucking insane and no one will ever truly understand it.
“Love you, Aura,” Bethie’s voice rings out and this time, I don’t feel any sort of comfort and friendship in those few words. I don’t know what I feel. But those toxic snakes of my past are slithering around my feet, threatening to drag me back to where I came from.
And I’m not fucking going there.
I’m so happy.
My body is electrified in euphoric bliss as the sun sets in the distance. The colors are unlike anything I’ve ever seen, but I know that I’ll never forget them.
No way, it’s time for my Induction into The Nation. Finally.
I hurry over to Zale as he offers me his hand. I slip my fingers through his as he pulls me along, walking pace for pace with my own smaller stride. Behind us, people clap and shout, my friends yell my name and that they can’t wait to speak to me later. They’ll want all of the details, and of course I’ll tell them. I’ll be the first one to share what happens during Induction, I’ll be able to prepare them for the magnificent ceremony that’s about to unfold.
“Are you nervous?” Zale asks as he turns his head to address me. I look up to meet his gaze. His bright eyes shine with something that looks like pride as we walk. As if he really is excited to have me as one of his followers. I’m so happy for that, and my mind continues soaring higher and higher in bliss.
I’ve never felt like this before. This loose, this free. Like I’m a fairy, flitting around the space as a trail of flowers blooms behind my steps. I’m magical.
“I was,” I admit. “But not anymore. I’ve never been happier.” I feel my smile spread wide across my face, stretching my lips and pulling at my cheeks. My eyes squish tightly together and for a split second, I find it odd that I’m
noticing every tiny fraction of a feeling through my body.
Zale takes me around the community hall. We walk behind the building, into the forest that lays direction behind our little colony. There is a wire fence that lines the property, it keeps us safe by ensuring the sinners and evil stay on the outside. They don’t taint our sacred spaces or have the ability to hurt us.
But now we’re walking through the fence, intentionally placing ourselves outside of the safety.
I halt my steps, pulling back on Zale’s arm momentarily. “Wait, isn’t it dangerous?” I ask, fear suddenly lacing my voice and sending unusual painful pricks along my skin. It’s like I can physically feel every emotion in a way I’ve never felt before. Like it actually hurts my body instead of only affecting my mind.
“Worry not, Aura. You are always protected. The Omega will never forsake you as long as you are loyal to Him, remember? I would never let anything happen to you,” Zale’s strong words work through me and replace the fear that sprung forth.
I believe the Absolute. He’s always taken care of us, always spoken the truth. So, I follow him into the forest, matching every step he takes with two of my own now that we are moving quicker.
We go deep, farther into the forest than I would have ever expected, and I find my gaze wandering as different colorful birds and butterflies flit around us as we walk. Some of them speak or sing, in little magical words that make me even happier. Everything is brighter, clearer, more colorful and beautiful. As if I can actually feel the colors as I look at them. The greens are sharp, biting into the scenery in beautiful loud displays. The pinks and purples are softer, like sweet fuzzy energies that bloom and assure me that everything is as it should be.
I love whatever this is, and now that I’m of age, I can experience it all of the time.
We finally break into a clearing of long, lush green grass. It flows in front of like a moving ocean wave, gently rolling and crashing against my legs. I laugh at the tickle that pricks my ankles while we walk.