by Liza James
I look ahead to find my mother and Malin already stationed on one side, ahead of them are some of the elders of The Nation. Everyone is dressed in their version of white, but today everyone is a little fancier than usual.
Zale leads me in front of everyone but leaves twenty or so feet between myself and the others that are lined opposite me. He releases his hold and shifts to stand in front of me, lifting his hand as he places it under my chin in a soft touch. He tilts my head upwards and I meet his gaze once again. My heart races in my chest and my hands shake in anticipation just slightly. I try to calm down though, I want to show them that I’m brave and strong for this.
“Aura, are you ready to begin?” he asks, his voice taking on a firm hold that lets me know this is the beginning.
I steel my gaze and stance, “Yes.” I’m proud of my own response, my responsibility and decision. This is everything I’ve been waiting for.
“Open your mouth,” he responds and I immediately do as he says. He releases his hold on me to pull a small glass vial out of his pocket. He slowly twists the cap off and turns it over, allowing two drops of a sweet liquid to land on my tongue. I savor the taste, letting it work on my taste buds as it immediately sinks into my flesh. I feel it, as though it was so much more than just two drops. It fills me and quenches my thirst in heady ways.
“Open yourself up to the faith, Aura. Allow the Omega to work through you, speak through you. Do you want more of him, Aura? Do you want more of the Omega?”
Oddly enough, for the briefest second, I contemplate his question. Of course, I want more, I want to be filled with the Omega and climb the ladder. But the quickest flash of apprehension stings my chest before it’s gone just as quickly. “Yes, I want more.”
Zale smiles before stepping away and moving to stand in between myself and the row of leaders on the other side.
“Today, Aura Lizabeth Valentine, will be giving herself freely to be filled by the spirit of the Omega. She will become one with us, one with The Nation, one with the City of Eden. She will open herself to climbing the ladder, to one day ascending with The Nation when the Omega declares it is time.” Zale speaks loudly, shouting the words of promise and devotion. I’ve studied this prior, that’s one aspect of the ritual we are allowed to know. The vow that will seal us to The Nation. “Are you willing to sacrifice yourself, Aura? Are you willing to share the word to others, share your testimony with those who need to hear it most? Are you willing to look into the realm of spirits, discern and speak of what they communicate to you? Are you willing to prophesy to the people? Are you willing to give yourself to The Nation?”
“Yes, I am!” I shout back as a smile drifts across my lips. I glance back to see Malin’s arm wrapped tightly around my mother’s shoulder. They’re both crying tears of joy, smiles on their faces while they watch.
They’re proud of me.
My mind begins racing slightly, all of a sudden the people in front of me become a little out of focus. I feel my body sway momentarily, but I quickly right my frame as Zale steps forward again. “Do not fear, Aura. It’s simply his spirit filling you with his presence. It’s strong, I know. Potent. But it’s safe.”
I shake my head in understanding, but I can’t help closing my eyes briefly as I open them again in hopes my vision becomes a little clearer. It doesn’t though, and all of the little flowers around my feet become one confusing wash of melted colors.
“Bring them forward,” Zale’s voice turns a little harder. I hear an edge I hadn’t noticed before. He steps out of the way as a rustling of noise breaks out on the right. Suddenly, a row of five people emerge from the thick forest and I have to intentionally focus my vision to make them out separately from each other.
Each one is dressed in white. Each one is wearing a burlap sack tied over their head. Each one is being led by a single rope, tying them together as one of the elders pulls them along in front of me.
A mass forms in the pit of my stomach. It’s heavy, and apprehensive, and suddenly I feel it pulling me down so intensely that my knees almost buckle beneath its weight. Confusion pierces my mind and fear injects itself directly into my blood.
I’m safe. I’m protected.
What is this?
“This is your induction, Aura. Your first sacrifice, your first give to The Nation,” Zale responds as if I asked aloud. Did I ask out loud? I don’t remember saying the words.
The row of people are brought forward and then one by one, they are pushed down to their knees as they face me. They kneel in an ocean of what once was a grassy field filled with wildflowers. But now, each bloom is quickly withering away, turning black before dying and burning to ash before my very eyes.
“What’s happening?” I ask as I stumble backwards. I don’t feel so happy anymore and I’m not sure why.
Zale rushes forward to catch me, and his arm wraps tightly around my wrist as he holds me up. “Breathe, Aura. You’re safe, remember? This is what’s been prophesied. This is how you gain more of the Omega, gain entrance into the City.”
Everyone is out of focus, fuzzy little creatures that are beginning to change shape and distort their location. The sun has finally set and now the darkness is slinking in through the trees, coating the ground and people in an inky mass of what feels like evil.
But this isn’t evil. This is light, this is light. I am light.
“What do I have to do?” I ask and it’s then that I feel Malin take his place beside me. He lifts his hands and runs them down my arms. It feels so good, so familiar, and suddenly all I want is his touch and reassurance. He slips something into my hands, and as my eyes struggle to focus on what it is, the feel of the trigger and cool metal under my skin is a stark signal of my rifle.
“You know what you have to do, my wildflower,” Malin’s voice is in my ears. His lips brush the side of my neck as he speaks and my hands tremble as they try to hold onto the weapon.
“Has she been opened?” Zale asks beside me, and I assume he’s addressing Malin.
“Yes, of course. I’ve been claiming her for the last five years,” he responds.
It’s true. It started when I was eight, when he’d show me how to make him feel good and when he’d reward me by making me feel good.
That’s what I want right now, to feel good.
And for some reason, this isn’t doing it for me.
“You need to pull the trigger, wildflower. The Omega will choose who to sacrifice. Who will be ready for ascension,” Malin speaks the words in confidence, like it’s easy for me to simply pull the trigger on my rifle.
But I guess he is right. It is easy for me. I’ve been doing it daily since I turned seven years old. Practicing. Training. Learning to know my rifle as if it were my friend.
“If I pull the trigger, one of them may die,” I respond quietly. Fear continues rooting itself in my stomach, growing and stretching upwards as it begins wrapping around my internal organs.
“That’s okay. It’s part of the induction ceremony. We’ve all had to do it, I promise it’s a privilege to partake in this ceremony. You’re doing the right thing,” Zale replies this time as he places is hands on the other side of my body. Both men stand on either side of me, touching me, drifting their fingers over my neck and down my arms. I tilt my head from side to side, trying to lose myself to their touch instead of the impending decision that lies ahead of me.
Every person knelt on the ground is silent. Each one of them patiently waits with their hands clasped in front of them. As if they want to be here. They don’t seem afraid.
I’m afraid.
“I don’t think I can do this. I would have to watch them die, right? They would die in front of me.” My voice is becoming shaky, my skin is becoming itchy. Suddenly, I see thousands of little beetles crawling across the ground towards me. They’ve emerged from the line of people, crawling forward until they’re gathering at our feet.
“You will watch them ascend, Aura. There is a difference. This is what the Om
ega wants from us, from his people. Don’t you want protection? If you don’t, you will perish, Aura. You will die amongst the sinners and evil. Your body will burn in the river of fire, eaten and feasted upon by demons of Hell. Is that what you want?” Zale speaks every word on harsh intervals. Each one breaches my mind and stabs into my flesh like a dagger, making me bleed, making my skin sting and seethe against my bones.
When I glance back at the cloaked people, I see something that sends terror ripping through my mind. Suddenly, everyone is bleeding already. As if I’ve already shot them. There is blood everywhere, seeping from their chests, or their heads, dripping and staining their white garments. It falls from their clasped hands and fills the ocean below with their own blood. I fall backwards and almost drop my rifle, but Malin’s hands wrap around my waist once more as he holds me up.
“No, no. I can’t do this. They’re bleeding already, it’s done, right? I’ve already done it.”
“No, wildflower. It isn’t done yet. What you see is the Omega showing you what you must do. He’s giving you a glimpse into the prophesy, showing you the step you must take for ascension.” Malin shifts my hands to the proper position on my rifle, lifting my finger and placing it directly against the trigger.
“Are they crying, my love?” my mother asks, her voice grounding me as she comes to stand behind me.
“Well, no,” I answer honestly, because they aren’t. They are bleeding profusely but in silence. As if they’ve already accepted it.
“That’s because they want this, sweetie. Each unidentified person before you wants this. They want to ascend. You’re doing them a great favor. They want you to kill them, Aura.” She speaks the words as if there could never be any other truth, as if this is what is to happen and there is no way around it.
My skin begins burning. It feels as though it’s literally peeling from my bones and suddenly I’m wailing in pain while the three people I consider family try to calm me. Everything hurts and the tears streaming down my face feel like acid. It sears my skin and my eyes are the next thing to begin burning inside of my head.
“What’s happening?” I scream as my body begins convulsing while Malin holds onto me.
“It’s the Omega, he’s showing you what will happen if you don’t ascend with The Nation, Aura. Does it hurt?” Zale asks, his voice loud and cascading through my mind.
“Yes,” I cry, and I struggle to keep my feet below me. I’m dizzy, and everything is falling apart around me. Flames are exploding through the trees, my body is burning and peeling apart in agonizing shards of pain. I can’t explain it, the excruciation. I’m drowning and dying, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I thought I was safe here?
“You must complete the ceremony, wildflower. Pull the trigger and all of this ends, the Omega will stop the prophesy. But you must complete it, choose the right path and join us. Pull the trigger, Aura.” Malin’s voice is louder now, he’s shouting as his hold becomes tighter, more toxic and dark and I’m afraid I’ll have bruises tomorrow.
If I even survive this. But the scalding pain as my skin falls from my bones and pools at my feet has me believing that I won’t. I fall to the ground as I choke on the sobs spilling from my mouth. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I just need this all to stop, I need the pain to end.
“Pull the trigger!” Zale yell’s behind me and Malin’s hand comes back to my own, folding my finger back over the trigger as I watch ahead of me.
“I can’t,” I cry again, but I don’t think anyone is listening anymore and I’m afraid of what will happen if I pass out. “I can’t do this.”
“You must, my love. I’m here, we’re all here with you. Pull the trigger and join the Omega. Or you’ll die, Aura. You’ll die alone and terrified and without anyone to protect you.” My mother, my own mom. Reminding me of the facts that will push me over the edge, grounding me in what I have to do.
As the pain becomes unbearable, the scariest reminder of what I’ll go through alone, I squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can manage.
And I pull the trigger on my rifle, falling back to the ground as the loud sound explodes in my ears.
“I can’t. I can’t do this.” The words fall from my lips on trembling syllables. I taste the salt as it slips into my mouth and coats my tongue. I’m crying. Why am I crying?
“Wake up, Aura.” A voice. Her voice. Ruby’s husky sound breaks through the nightmare and suddenly my eyes snap open to collide with Hawk’s and Bethie’s.
It happens so quickly that I’m caught up in both terror and shock at my own actions. Suddenly, Ruby’s hand shoots forward and grips my own. She’s behind me, but at the same time, both of her arms break the hold on my handgun as she pulls it back and out of my grasp. I hear the click as she flips the safety and places it on the counter behind her, just as I fall backwards and into her arms. She catches me and falls to the ground with me as my entire body collapses.
“Oh my god,” I start, and Hawk and Bethie both drop to their knees in front of me. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. So sorry.” I’m trying to speak but the words aren’t forming correctly. My tongue is moving slowly, and my mouth isn’t framing the letters like they usually do. I’m so caught up in terror, in the memory of that day that I can’t function.
“Shhh, it’s okay. We’re all okay,” Hawk’s voice attempts to soothe me, but it doesn’t help. Nothing does when I have that nightmare. That fucking memory of my past, of what I thought was my family, of the life I thought I had to live. Hawk holds one of my hands while Bethie holds the other. Her touch feels gentle, but her eyes say something else. Something I can’t read or make sense of right now. So, I simply drop my head back against Ruby’s shoulder and close my own eyes, trying to force everything from my mind as quickly as I can.
Bethie releases her hold on me and stands up, moving to the sink for a moment before returning with a cold glass of water. I take it from her, drinking the entire thing before handing it back.
My heart is still hammering, bursting wildly through each moment in a chaotic thrashing of terrifying recollections. “I just need to breathe,” I whisper the words, closing my eyes again and refusing to move. I’m too weak. Too fucking scared. In too much pain to shift out of Ruby’s hold.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Bethie asks and my eyes snap open to meet hers. I can’t help feeling like she’s different tonight. She isn’t the same Bethie that’s always been there for me. There was one miniscule shift somewhere and I’m not sure how or when it happened.
“No,” I reply firmly. “I just want to breathe for a moment. Go back to bed.” I can’t help it, I think I snap the words a little too harshly, more than I intend and just as I think Bethie is about to reply in some snarky retort, she bites her tongue and stands before walking away.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Hawk asks once she’s gone. He’s genuine, I can feel that. But there’s something else lingering in his voice that worries me.
“I’m fine, I promise. I’m sorry again, so sorry. Maybe lock the gun away in the safe from now on. Until I get these nightmares under control again,” I say quietly as I squeeze his hand in encouragement.
He nods as a sympathetic smile spreads across his face. His eyes glance over my shoulder and land on Ruby just briefly, and for a second, something dark flashes across his gaze. But it’s gone just as quickly and then he leans forward to press a quick kiss to my lips. He stands, reaching for the gun on the counter before turning back towards us. “I’ll take care of it. Gather yourself, relax. We’re all safe, meet me in bed when you’re ready.”
And then he walks away.
He just walks away. Without another question, without any other form of comfort. Not that I need it, I don’t. But it would have been nice to feel his arms around me as well, to have him at least try to take me to bed with him.
Instead, he’s left me alone, wrapped in the arms of this mysterious dancer. Relaxing into the hold of Ruby while we sit in the darkness of my living room.
“What time is it?” I whisper. For some reason, I don’t want to disturb the energy that’s coursing around us right now. It’s thick, and it’s dark. And I want to stay in this small bubble of safety while I have it.
“Three a.m.” Her voice isn’t loud, but it’s confident. It isn’t afraid, and I think that’s what I admire most.
Maybe she wouldn’t be afraid of my demons.
So, I don’t speak again for several minutes. I rest my head back against her shoulder and lose myself to the oddest sensations of vulnerability, of companionship.
Her fingers drift up and down my forearms in slow, lingering patterns. Tracing a path of strength that sinks through my flesh and somehow replaces my terror with bravery. My breaths have steadied, and I slowly shift my body further back against her chest. She spreads her legs a little wider, giving me more room to ease myself into her hold. She’s resting against the far wall in my living room. We’re in a little corner that has us hidden behind our brown suede couch and my planters.
“Do you think I’m crazy?” I ask in the tense space between us. I don’t want to know the answer, but I think I need to. It’s heavy here, mixed in the archaic blend of her strength and my fear.
She doesn’t answer for a moment, but her hands slip down to my own and she entwines her fingers around mine. I glance at them for a moment, refusing to acknowledge why this is so wrong. Her tattooed arms laying alongside my bare ones elicits an attraction I didn’t realize was so apparent.
I like this. I don’t want to think about it, I just want to be here. In this moment with her. I want her energy and this strange tether between us. I feel cleaner, stronger already and it’s simply because I’m savoring her touch and feel of her body.
“I think you have a fucked-up past, Vibe Girl. And I do think you’re crazy.” She speaks honestly, and while my heart sinks at her words, I appreciate them. But then her lips dip down to my ear and I feel her warm breath as it grazes across my cheek. “But lucky for you, crazy is my favorite.”