The Color of Secrets

by Lindsay Jayne Ashford

  “Eva? Are you all right? You look very pale.”

  She felt sick. “I need some air,” she said, rising unsteadily from the couch. “I won’t be a minute. Could you make us another pot of tea? Mine’s gone cold.” She didn’t want tea, but it would stop him from following her. She needed to be alone to think things through.

  She leaned against the farm gate, weak with emotion. She felt like a caged animal, doomed to be chained forever to this man who was like a stranger to her now. But how could she abandon someone who had endured so much suffering? He had a right to his family, of course he did. It would be utterly heartless to turn him away. Could she be that cruel? Could she let him stay, even though her heart wasn’t in it? She heard a cry and turned to see David running up the track toward her, Rhiannon following a few yards behind with Louisa asleep in her arms.

  “Mam!” David hurtled into her legs, hugging them tightly. She scooped him up and held him close, tears spilling from her eyes onto his rosy cheeks. “Why you crying, Mam?”

  “Oh, I’m just sad because your daddy’s been away such a long time.” She gulped, trying to compose herself before Rhiannon reached them. “Don’t be scared of him, will you? He’s been very brave and we’ve all got to be extra specially nice to him.”

  David nodded, as if he understood. “Shall we make him a cake?”

  “Yes, my love, if you want to.” She wiped her face with her fingers, fresh tears running down the back of her hand.

  Rhiannon took one look at her and stopped short. “What are you going to do?” she said, her face taut with emotion.

  “I . . . don’t . . . know.” The words were punctuated with sobs.

  It was late afternoon on the following Friday when Eva’s train drew into Wolverhampton station. She fixed her eyes on the magazine on her lap, knowing that the sights and sounds of the place were going to bring painful memories flooding back.

  She felt lost without the children, although she’d only been away from them a few hours. She had made Rhiannon promise to have David sleep in her bed and not let him out of her sight while she was away. He had cried when Eva told him she was going away for the weekend, but Eddie had cheered him up by saying he could help him milk the cows.

  Over the past few days David had overcome his suspicion of Eddie. Eva could see how good it was for the boy to have a man in his life. Uncle Dai had filled the role temporarily, but he did little more these days than sit sleeping in his chair. David had begun following Eddie around the farm the way he used to follow Dai.

  But the atmosphere at the farm had been tense and awkward. Eddie had kept his distance, sleeping in cousin Trefor’s old room, and for that she had been grateful. Aunt Rhiannon had made no reference to their sleeping arrangements, but the situation was clearly taking its toll on her, worn out as she already was with the strain of running the farm and coping with a sick husband. Eva knew without asking that her aunt would be delighted if she and Eddie were reunited.

  She took a deep breath as she stepped off the train. As she walked toward the exit, she kept her eyes down, praying she wouldn’t bump into any of the women from the rail gang. She knew she wouldn’t be able to face the inevitable interrogation about where she had been for the past six months.

  She managed to get safely outside and hurried along the few streets that separated the station from Cathy’s house. It was hard not to remember the many times she had walked these streets with Bill. She was glad she didn’t have to go past the Civic Hall, the air-raid shelter, or the restaurant where they’d met that last time. She hoped she could avoid the town center over the next two days. Catching even the briefest glimpse of those places would be too painful to bear. And she would try to avoid going back to the old house. That would be too full of memories of her mother.

  Wolverhampton was a place of ghosts, but she needed space to work out what she was going to do. And Cathy was the only person she could talk to, the only person who knew Bill and had witnessed the way things had been between them.

  As she turned the corner into the road where Cathy lived, she caught sight of her in the front-room window. Eva ran the last few yards and the door flew open. The two women hugged each other before either of them spoke.

  “You look really well!” Cathy sounded surprised. “I was so worried about you, doing all that heavy work on the farm with a new baby to look after—but I think the country air’s done you good!”

  Eva gave a wry smile. She hadn’t eaten much over the past few days, and she thought she looked awful. She must have looked pretty terrible when she left Wolverhampton if Cathy thought she saw an improvement.

  “The kettle’s just boiled,” Cathy said, taking her coat. “Mikey’s gone next door for his tea, so we can have a good chat. Are you hungry?”

  Eva shook her head. She’d had nothing but a slice of toast for breakfast, but she felt too churned up to eat. She followed Cathy into the kitchen. The last time she had been in this room was the day her mother died. She swallowed hard, determined not to give way to the surge of grief.

  “I was on my way to Wales, you know, the day Eddie came back.” Cathy glanced at Eva as she reached for the kettle. “I was at your house when the telegram arrived saying he was alive. I wanted to tell you myself because I thought it would be too much of a shock for you to get the news in a letter. I kicked myself afterwards. It must have been a million times worse, him turning up out of the blue like that.”

  Eva shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault. It would have been a shock however I found out about it. I don’t suppose it would have made a lot of difference if I’d been warned in advance.”

  Cathy spooned tea from a silver caddy into a small brown teapot. “How do you feel now that you’ve had a few days to get used to him being back?”

  Eva hesitated before replying. “I don’t know. I feel sorry for him most of all. Did he tell you what happened to him?”

  Cathy nodded, pouring water onto the leaves. “I don’t know how he got through it. He must be incredibly tough.”

  “Did he tell you about the soldier who looked after him when he was rescued? The one who got shot?”

  Cathy’s eyes widened as Eva related it. “I couldn’t understand how he could be so calm about Bill being . . . you know.” She set a cup of tea down in front of Eva. “What did you say, when he suggested adopting Louisa?”

  “I didn’t know what to say.” Eva stared into her teacup, trying to remember how she’d felt as she lay on the couch at the farm listening to Eddie. Although it was only days ago, it felt like an eternity. “I was in a daze at that point. I remember lashing out at him when he showed me the letter he’d sent to Bill. After that, he did all the talking. That’s when he suggested I come here to talk things over with you.”

  “He suggested it?”

  “Yes. That was another surprise—until I realized what was behind it.”

  Cathy paused, her teacup on its way to her lips. “What do you mean?”

  Eva let out a long breath. “He was giving me a glimpse of what would happen if I didn’t agree to take him back.” Her fingers traced the curve of the handle of her cup. “I’d told him I needed time to think it through. I’d hardly got the words out when he said yes, I probably needed a break to get over the shock. And in the next breath he said he’d look after the children while I was away. He was smiling at me, but he was deadly serious: said he had no intention of letting David out of his sight when he’d only just seen him again.”

  “Well, you can’t blame him for that, surely?”

  “No, of course I don’t. But by sending me off to Wolverhampton, alone, he was showing me the consequences of the choice I have to make. He’s made it crystal clear that if I try to find Bill, I’ll have to leave David behind.”

  “Oh Eva! He can’t do that, can he?”

  “He can.” Eva buried her head in her hands. “Imagine it, Cathy: even if I ran away and took the children with me, I’d never get them both out of the country. I’d have to get Ed
die to divorce me before I could marry Bill, which I doubt he’d do, and even then he’d never give permission for David to go to America.”

  Cathy nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought of that. I was going to offer to put the three of you up here for a while, if that’s what you wanted, but . . .” She gave a hopeless sigh. “What are you going to do?”

  Eva pursed her lips. “What would you do in my shoes?”

  “Heavens, there are so many unknowns, aren’t there? I mean, what about Bill? What do you think he’ll do when he gets Eddie’s letter?”

  “I’ve thought about that a lot,” Eva said. “My first instinct was to write to him straightaway: tell him to ignore what Eddie had said.”

  “But you didn’t?”

  “No. It dawned on me that I should wait. See how he reacts. If he really wants me and the baby, he’ll put up some sort of fight, won’t he?” She raised the teacup from the saucer, then put it down again. “You asked me once if he’d mentioned marriage and I fudged around it, remember?”

  Cathy nodded.

  “Well, he hasn’t. In that last letter all he wrote about was getting the baby over to the States. There was no plan for us, for a future together. I don’t even know whether he intended for me to ever see her again.”

  Cathy reached across to pour more tea into Eva’s cup. “So you’re going to wait and see what he does? But for how long?”

  “That’s the problem. The way things are going, they say the war could be over by next spring. I know there’s not a lot he can do until then, and I would never have sent Louisa over to the States on her own, anyway.” Eva reached for the milk jug, her hand unsteady as she poured a few drops into her cup. “There’s only one way we can ever be together, Cathy, and that’s for him to come and live in this country.”

  Cathy looked at her. “Do you think that’s possible? I suppose he might be allowed to, but would he want to?”

  “That’s the question.” Eva raked her hair with her fingers. “That’s what I’ve been asking myself over and over again.” Her eyes began to blur with tears.

  Cathy reached out to put a hand on her arm. “I don’t know what to suggest. You’re in an impossible position, aren’t you?”

  Eva nodded. “All I can do is wait.”

  “And in the meantime?”

  “I think I owe it to Eddie to let him get to know David, don’t you?”

  “Well, that seems only fair after what he’s been through.” Cathy nodded. “But how will you manage? Will you come back to Wolverhampton?”

  “Rhiannon wants us to stay at the farm.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  “I think Eddie would like it. I think he’d see it as a fresh start. If we came back here, there’d be so much explaining to do.” She looked away. “I don’t mean any offense, Cathy, but I don’t think I could bear coming back here to live. Just walking to your house from the station . . . it brought everything back.” She swallowed hard, determined not to cry. “Dilys wants to keep the house for now, so if Bill does write . . .” she paused, realizing how desperate she must sound. “Would you mind carrying on collecting the mail for me?”

  “Of course I will.” Cathy drained her cup. Replacing it in the saucer, she gave Eva a perplexed look.

  “What is it?”

  “I hardly dare ask. I was wondering what you’re going to do if Eddie wants to . . .”

  Eva sighed. “God knows. I can’t even bear to think about it. I’m hoping he’ll accept that I need time to get used to him being back.”

  “And if he doesn’t? How long do you think you can keep that up?”

  “As long as possible.”

  “And then?”

  Eva stared at the table. “I suppose I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the peace until I know where I stand with Bill. I’m petrified of him running off somewhere with David. I’ve had nightmares about it.”

  “Surely he wouldn’t do that?”

  “How do I know what he might be capable of? He’s a different man, Cathy.” She shook her head. “If there was only me to consider, I’d just stay at the farm with Dai and Rhiannon and tell him to leave, tell him the marriage was over. But it’s not just about me anymore, is it? How could I face David in a few years’ time if he found out his daddy had come back from the war and I’d sent him away?”

  “And what about Louisa?” Cathy asked. “What will you tell her when she grows up?”

  “I’ll tell her I loved her father very much,” Eva whispered. “Whatever happens, I’ll tell her that.”

  Chapter 19

  JULY 1946

  Cathy stared at the box on her kitchen table. It was neatly wrapped in brown paper and string. Amazing to think it had come all that way in such pristine condition. The stamps gave it a splash of color—three of them, all bearing the Stars and Stripes. Just looking at them made her feel nervous. Was it really possible that Bill had decided to make contact after all this time? There was no sender’s address on the packaging. But who else could have sent Eva a parcel from America?

  She had collected the box from the post office that afternoon, having called at Eva’s old house for what would be the last time. Dilys had been back the previous week to sort out the last of the family’s belongings before moving to Holland to marry Anton. Cathy was glad she had chosen to marry quietly in his hometown. A wedding in Wolverhampton would have been hard for Eva; a reminder of what she had wished for with Bill. As it was, the distance provided a convenient excuse for her not to attend the ceremony. And Dilys had not minded. All she seemed to care about was becoming Mrs. Anton Barnhart as swiftly as possible.

  The house had looked very strange. All the furniture had gone: some given away, the odd good piece shipped to Holland. Eva hadn’t seemed interested in claiming any of it for herself. All that was left was a box of photographs Cathy had promised to send on, and, lying on the mat, a note from the postman saying that he had tried to deliver a parcel the previous day.

  She wished there was some way of telephoning Eva. Today was Friday and Cathy knew the post was delivered to the farm on Tuesdays. So if she wrote straightaway, she could let Eva know she was planning to take the parcel to Aberystwyth on her day off next Thursday. She hoped two days’ notice would be enough for Eva to cook up some excuse to come and meet her.

  She sat down to write the letter, wondering how Eva would react when she received it. In her last few letters she hadn’t even mentioned Bill. It must have been so painful for her when first VE-day and then VJ-day came and went with no word from him. She had no way of knowing if he was dead or alive. In a way, Cathy thought, it would have been better for Eva if Bill was dead. Better than knowing he was alive and didn’t care.

  Last Christmas Eva had written of her mixed feelings for Eddie. At a time when so many families were feeling the loss of husbands and fathers so keenly, she knew she should be very grateful that he had come home. Cathy got the impression that things had become less strained between them. Eva had said how good Eddie was with both of the children and how much easier things were on the farm now that he had taken on so much of the work. But she had also mentioned how she’d cried when Louisa said her first word, because it was “Dad.”

  There were still American soldiers serving overseas. Not all had returned home when the hostilities ended. They were needed to rebuild the places they had bombed. Cathy knew that Eva was still clinging to the hope that Bill was one of these; that he was not yet in a position to come looking for her. But in the past few months the impression given by Eva’s letters was that she had finally begun to put him out of her mind and pick up the pieces of her life with Eddie.

  And now this.

  Cathy looked at the parcel, desperately wanting to rip it open, to spare her friend’s feelings. What if it was Bill’s personal effects, willed to her in the absence of any relatives to claim them?

  Her hand reached toward the package, but then she pulled it away. She had no right to interfere. She must take it to Eva unopened
, whatever the consequences.

  The following Thursday was hot and sunny. Mikey was very excited about their day trip to the seaside and was awake before the alarm went off. At nine years old he was only half a head shorter than Cathy. He had his father’s blond hair and his mother’s skin, which went brown at the merest hint of sun.

  They left the house at a quarter to seven to catch the first train to Aberystwyth. They would be there by midmorning, which would give them six hours before getting the train back. That should be enough, Cathy thought, running through the endless possibilities in her head. She settled back in her seat as the train pulled out of the station. Whatever the parcel on her lap contained, it would be good to see Eva again, and good for Mikey to get some sea air.

  There was a perceptible buzz among the other passengers. This was the first summer after the war. For the first time in seven years families were able to go on a proper holiday to the seaside. No barbed wire on the beaches, no anti-aircraft guns firing overhead. Cathy felt a sudden stab of longing for Stuart, knowing how much he would have loved larking about in the sea with his son on a day like this.

  Eva was waiting on the platform when the train arrived. Cathy gave a little cry of surprise when she caught sight of her. In one arm she was clutching Louisa, who looked adorable in a white lace-trimmed sun bonnet, while David clung shyly to her other hand.

  “Is that Auntie Eva?” Mikey put his nose to the window. “Yes, it is! Who’s that little boy? Is it David?”

  Cathy nodded. Mikey hadn’t seen David for more than two years. It was no wonder he didn’t recognize him. “And that’s Louisa—Auntie Eva’s little girl,” she said. “Isn’t she pretty?”

  Mikey wrinkled his nose. He was at the age when any mention of girls made him squirm. “I want to see the sea!” He grabbed his bucket and spade and the bag of sandwiches Cathy had made and opened the door of their compartment. “Come on, Mum!”

  As she got to her feet, Cathy had butterflies in her stomach. She needed to get the boys occupied with something before Eva opened the parcel. Going straight to the beach would be a good idea. Mikey could amuse David while she sat with Eva.