Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Clinicians report that the roots of sexual issues facing adults often date back to painful teenage experiences.12 Research revealed a correlation between abstinence in the teen years and better mental health at age twenty-nine and at age forty.13

  Psych 101

  We don’t include statistics to startle or scare you. Instead, our aim is to connect your parenting with the physiological and psychological reality of your adolescent’s life. Your teen hears time and again that the pleasures he or she can get from sexual expression are what really matters. “You shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to feel good,” some would have your son or daughter believe. The problem is, at least psychologically speaking, feeling good for a few moments can lead to feeling bad, sometimes for a very long time.

  Most adolescents don’t understand that sex is more than just a physical act. Watching juvenile, narcissistic sexual antics on-screen; listening to the highly sexualized chatter of pop stars or musicians; glancing at the no-boundaries, no-rules, “we’ll teach you how to get the best orgasm of your life” magazines, all the while desperate to be liked and feel good—this is what your adolescent faces, each and every day. As Dr. Michael Bradley wisely wrote, “Teenage sex represents a terrible confluence of volatile developmental and emotional issues simply waiting for a match to ignite them. These ‘vapors’ include new and powerful hormonal rushes, peer acceptance needs, rebelliousness, curiosity, nurturing, intimacy, desires to please [and] desires to dominate.”14

  Your adolescent’s emotional drive for love and acceptance is inextricably tied with his or her blooming sexuality. Don’t forget that—ever. It’s easy to come down on a teen discovered with porn or freak out after walking in on a make-out session. Your emotions are not ill-placed, but the timing and the way you express your feelings will make a huge difference. You can get to a heart level and find out what’s compelling your teen, or you can miss the opportunity altogether. The choice is yours.

  Reviewing his multiyear, participant-observer study of adolescents, Dr. Chap Clark wrote,

  My conclusion after reflecting on the data from this study is that adolescent sexuality, and perhaps all human sexuality, has more to do with a desire for relational connection and a safe place than with a physical, albeit sometimes pleasurable, activity of the body. Many midadolescents are almost desperate in their loneliness, with few opportunities to share or even deal with the effects. Sexual activity and desire are obviously related to the natural drives and hormonal changes of this phase of life, but buried underneath any hormonal drive there is an even deeper, more profound need that uses sexuality and sensuality to heal. Today’s midadolescents . . . are crying out for attention and affection. Expressions of popular culture occasionally concede that this may be true for girls but rarely if ever cast boys in this light. I consistently observed, however, that midadolescents boys are just as vulnerable and desperate as girls but may not be as aware of their need for care and affection. Sexual behavior and sexual fantasy are immensely powerful in that for a very brief time they can ease the pain of disconnection and loneliness as they mimic authentic love. This is why unbounded, indiscriminate sexual activity for adolescents is even more dangerous and potent than most adults recognize. Adults limit the power of “sexual urges” to changing hormones, but in reality far deeper forces are at work.15

  Because of this, we need to equip our kids with more than a “just say no” approach to sexuality. As Dr. Andrea Solarz puts it, “For most teens, telling them to ‘just say no’ does not help them to deal with sexually stressful interpersonal situations in which they are anxious to be liked. Instead . . . help the adolescent identify and practice strategies in advance for dealing with or avoiding these situations.”16 You may think your teen is smart enough to see an “I’ve never loved anyone like you, and there’s only one way to show you” come-on for what it is, but don’t assume that an adolescent’s developing prefrontal cortex can sort through the emotions and neurochemicals surging at that highly charged moment. Discuss with your teen what he or she might do and say in various circumstances.

  In addition, help your son or daughter identify hypocritical messages the media promotes with regard to gender, sexuality, and physical affection. Talk about the double standards faced by young men and women. Develop strategies with your teen, who will most likely be invited to view porn at some point during the adolescent years (more on this in chapter 23). In taking steps like these, we can wage war for our teens’ emotional and sexual health.

  Finally, keep in mind that for some adolescents, very little sexual mystery still exists. The barrage of sexual images, metaphors, and allusions; the readily available sexual stimulation from music, film, and television; and the general, overtly sexualized environment, let alone the sheer glut of free pornography only a click away, have served to desensitize a lot of adolescents to the beauty God created in sex. Unfortunately, for some teens, sex has become so commonplace and mundane through overexposure that its value has declined as its ubiquity has increased. Parents can equip teens with a grander view of sexuality—God’s view.

  Faith 101

  God created sex and has a lot to say about it. The Bible is full of references to human sexuality, ranging from the proscriptive to the poetic. Taken as a whole, God’s Word with regard to sexuality is positive and powerful. Nipped and tucked and served up in youth groups in tiny morsels, however, Christian ideas about sexuality can confuse even the most committed young believers.

  For the purpose of this book, we challenge parents: avoid reinforcing common myths about sex and using Christian scare tactics to keep your kids “safe.” Don’t try to convince your teen that:

  You’ll automatically feel guilty if you have sex. If you encourage your teen to use the presence or absence of spiritual guilt as the measure of whether something is right or wrong, you’re on a very slippery slope. Teach your teen that his or her feelings about sex don’t change the truth that sex was created exclusively for the passionate and committed love relationship called marriage.

  Sex is a bigger deal for guys than girls. In our adolescent years, boys and girls were split up so that girls could talk about modesty and boys could talk about “it.” Sadly, many churches still operate on the idea that lust is a “guy” problem. Lust isn’t a male problem; it’s a human problem.

  The Bible’s message is simply “don’t ‘do it’ before marriage.” This particular myth has two implications: One, it leads many Christians to believe that all God cares about is their virginity. Even in the church, “technical virginity” has become an acceptable goal. How tragic! God cares about your son’s or daughter’s entire sexual being: body, mind, and spirit. In some ways, a teen’s most important sexual organ is the brain, for with it he or she will make every sexual decision, pursue or reject sexual expression, and carry the consequences throughout life.

  Two, your adolescent has been robbed if this is the sum total of what he or she learns about God’s view of sex. Take the time to understand and communicate God’s truth to your teen: God designed sex for joy, for comfort, for nurture, and for procreation. It can be a blazing and beautiful fire. Fire in a fireplace is amazing. Fire raging over acres of forest is terrifying. God intended sex for the fireplace of marriage. Help your son or daughter see the benefits of keeping it there.

  There’s nothing I can do about it. As a parent, you are not helpless. Sexual temptation is particularly powerful for many young people, so parents need to help teens be strategic. Don’t let your teen be deluded into thinking you’re “out of it” when it comes to sexuality. In 2 Timothy 2:22, the apostle Paul urges his young protégé to “flee the evil desires of youth.” We can and should encourage our children to do the same. The battle is, after all, for more than their bodies. This battle is for their hearts and souls as well.

  Try It Today: Keep It on the Table

  Bottom line, a one-size-fits-all, mechanics and spiritual messages rolled into one talk about sex doesn’t work. If you’re going to connect
with your adolescent and be part of his or her healthy sexual development, you’ve got to establish an ongoing dialogue.

  Take a moment to ponder the important questions pastor Paul David Tripp asks in his book Age of Opportunity:

  Do your teenagers feel comfortable raising this topic with you? Have you given them a mixed message, on the one hand saying that sex is a wonderful gift from God, and on the other hand communicating fear, reticence, and avoidance? . . . Do you know what your kids know and what their source of information is? Do you know where your teenager struggles with sexual temptation and how [they’re] doing with that struggle? . . . [Are they] able to critique the distortions of the surrounding culture? Does your teen have a heart for sexual purity or is s/he pushing the limits of biblical modesty and propriety? If you do not have ready answers for these questions, you have not kept the topic on the table as it needs to be.17

  Sometime over the next twenty-four hours, use what’s right in front of you to bring the subject up. Make a brief comment about a TV show or billboard. Ask a simple question. It doesn’t have to be a “big talk.” Knowing that you’re not afraid to discuss sex gives subconscious security to your teenager, so keep the conversation going.

  14

  But It’s Mine

  One Saturday, Joshua Becker dragged the contents of his garage—dusty and bedraggled—into the driveway. Around lunch, a neighbor, who had spent the entire morning wrestling her own yard into submission, noticed Becker’s consternation: the pile of thises and thats his family had accumulated over the years had already taken four hours to sort, hose off, and place back in a more orderly fashion.

  “Ah, the joys of home ownership,” the neighbor commented sarcastically.

  Becker responded with, “Well, you know what they say, ‘The more stuff you own, the more stuff owns you.’”

  “That’s why my daughter is a minimalist,” the neighbor replied. “She keeps telling me I don’t need all this stuff.” Though Becker had never heard the term minimalist before, the idea of getting off the consumer treadmill struck a chord in him. He went inside to share the brief interchange with his wife, and her response mirrored his own: “I think that’s what I want.”

  Years later, after writing a popular blog and several books about the joys found in escaping the grip of material possessions,1 Becker still considers that Saturday morning a turning point. We interviewed Joshua Becker a short time ago, and he graciously shared some thoughts on raising adolescents in a consumer-driven, material-obsessed world. Becker encourages parents to teach teens that living well doesn’t mean pursuing the ever-shifting targets of more and better.2

  Becker told us that until he started physically removing “stuff” from his life, he couldn’t see the burden his possessions had become. He observed, “After taking the third vanload of stuff to Goodwill, I had to ask myself, ‘What caused me to buy vanloads of things that I didn’t truly need?’” Once the physical clutter of his life decreased, Becker began to see the emotional and spiritual clutter around his heart: jealousy, greed, resentment, and selfishness had motivated him to strive for more and better.

  Believing that young people are drawn to the idea that abundant life doesn’t consist of abundant possessions, Becker wrote a book for teens called Living with Less: An Unexpected Key to Happiness. He invites adolescents to consider that living for what’s more important rather than simply for more brings greater joy and long-term satisfaction. This reflects his faith in Jesus, who invites all of us to live this way by choice rather than mandate (see Mark 10:17–27).

  Some parents scoff at the idea that teenagers could willingly choose to reject the materialistic, consumerist mentality of the world, but Becker speaks to standing-room-only crowds of adolescents. Even at their age, many teens sense that having doesn’t lead to happiness.

  The trouble is, adolescents are also bombarded—virtually every waking moment—with cultural messages that success and satisfaction can be quantifiably measured. Add the neurobiological reality that purchasing and consuming arouse the brain’s reward circuit, as well as the truth that envy and greed are rooted deep in the human spirit, and parents can easily see the predicament teenagers face. Is there a way to help teens navigate a me-centered, it’s-mine world? By the grace of God, yes. It starts with understanding how materialism rewires the brain.

  Bio 101

  In fascinating research using fMRI scans to observe the neural responses of participants during a simulated shopping task, a team of neuroscientists studied the way purchasing, and even anticipating purchasing, material goods impacts human brains. The results have powerful implications for the parents of teenagers.

  When adolescents viewed images of particularly desirable products (e.g., electronic devices or tasty foods), activity in the nucleus accumbens (NAc) increased significantly. You may recall from an earlier chapter that the NAc plays an important role in the brain’s reward system, mediating dopamine release and the cognitive processing of pleasure, as well as motivation and reinforcement learning. With the mere thought of getting something enjoyable or enticing, the human brain lights up, and dopamine floods neural circuits.3

  A related study, however, demonstrated that these “positive emotions associated with acquisition are short-lived. Although materialists still experience positive emotions after making a purchase, these emotions are less intense than before they actually acquire a product.”4 Additional research projects have confirmed that desire produces powerful neurochemical responses in us, but these effects diminish not only with time but also with actually possessing a product. Looks like the quip, “You always want what you can’t have, and when you get it, you don’t want it anymore,” actually has neuroscientific backing.

  Partnering with popular author Martin Lindstrom, neuroimaging expert Dr. Gemma Calvert provided further, fascinating information about the impact of consumerism on the brain in Buyology: Truth and Lies about Why We Buy. Dr. Calvert studied the neural activity of subjects exposed to images not just of desirable products but of specifically recognizable brands (Apple, Ferrari, Coca-Cola, etc.). Considering what you just read, it probably won’t surprise you to learn that the brain’s reward system became aroused when viewing these images. In Dr. Calvert’s experiment, fMRI scans showed increased activity in the caudate nucleus, an area of the brain highly innervated by dopamine neurons and closely connected to the VTA, another important structure in the brain’s reward system.

  Here’s what may surprise you: when neuroscientists asked people who consider themselves “devoutly religious” to describe their relationship with God and then exposed them to religious images while performing fMRI scans, the exact same area of the brain—the caudate nucleus—lit up. Dr. Calvert’s team reported, “Bottom line, there was no discernible difference between the way the subjects’ brains reacted to powerful brands and the way they reacted to religious icons and figures. . . . Clearly, our emotional engagement with powerful brands . . . shares strong parallels with our feelings about religion.”5

  From a neurological standpoint, this helps explain the quasi-religious fervor people attach to power brands (e.g., Apple, Hello Kitty, and Harley-Davidson). Indeed, in his book Brand Sense, Lindstrom applies the research he conducted alongside Dr. Calvert, recommending to marketers that “a brand should attempt to create a following akin to the obsessive adoration a sports fan feels or, even, in some respects, the faith of a religious congregation.” Lindstrom asserts further, “Evoking something resembling religious zeal . . . is one objective of the next generation of products and advertising.”6

  The Japanese cartoon character Hello Kitty, which has raked in billions of dollars for the Sanrio Corporation, successfully embodies this. The power of the Hello Kitty brand extends beyond backpacks, electronics cases, plush dolls, clothing, and household items. Hello Kitty also has a help line, prayer sites, and private Hello Kitty counseling sessions!7

  If this sounds crazy to you—and it certainly did to us when we first encountered
it—consider some of the benefits a religious faith gives people and compare those to what strong brands provide. Religions and brands both offer people a sense of belonging (a binding sense of community), a charismatic leader or figurehead (think Steve Jobs or Walt Disney), opponents (note the ongoing battle between Mac and PC users), evangelism (sharing a passion with others to inspire belief in them), symbols, and sensory appeal. Some of you have begun to internally argue with us: religious fervor and true relationship with God are different; a brand cannot offer what intimacy with Jesus can. You’re absolutely right, and that’s the point.

  The release of pleasure-inducing chemicals and the neural firing of reward-focused brain structures can momentarily trick our brains into believing that a product or brand can satisfy us. Even thinking about getting something we like, whether a Godiva chocolate or the latest generation Apple device, stimulates activity in our brains. But we must remember, and we must teach our teenagers: this does not last. In fact, we must reinforce what research proves—possessing often diminishes the pleasure. Fleeting gratification from the material world disappoints us eventually. In order to keep experiencing the dopaminergic rush, we have to chase after the next thing.

  During the adolescent years, many teenagers own less than they do during any other stage of life. Teens don’t have near the amount of physical “toys” as children, and they haven’t accumulated the mountains of stuff most adults labor to organize, arrange, care for, and maintain. As a result, we believe this season in your teen’s life presents a unique and fantastic opportunity to look at what lies behind the “it’s mine” mentality. If you can choose to confront materialism during your child’s adolescent years, your teen will be better prepared to face the adult world.