If you’re wondering how much is too much, start by identifying the amount of violent media your teen is exposed to. Don’t trust estimates. Spend two to four weeks writing down whenever you notice your adolescent playing a video game, watching a TV show or movie, visiting a webpage, or listening to music that includes violence. Most of us don’t estimate very well. We tend to minimize how much time our teens actually spend with technology.
You can then evaluate what your child is like before, during, and after gaming. Do you like the way this game makes your teen feel and/or act? Do you notice any patterns? Observation and honesty are key here. Finally, watch carefully for signs of unhealthy attachment. If a teen breaks family rules, lies or manipulates in order to play more, chooses games over friends and family, becomes enraged when asked to stop, has hand and wrist pain, or has disrupted sleep or poor personal hygiene because of gaming, a problem exists. If you suspect a serious problem, you can find help at www.video-game-addiction.org.
Thankfully, the vast majority of teens won’t progress to addiction. Instead, for most, the key is discernment: judging between good, bad, better, and best when it comes to video games, then deciding wisely and committing to uphold those choices, even when being tired, sick, or stressed out might lead you to make an exception.
Faith 101
The Random House dictionary defines pop culture as “activities or commercial products reflecting, suited to, or aimed at the tastes of the general masses of people.”16 TV, film, music, print media, and video games make up a large part of pop culture.
Driven by aggressive marketing and targeting teenagers, who are huge media consumers, pop culture is pervasive, constantly changing, and entertainment focused. Teenagers especially tend to unite around pop culture phenomena.17 Viewed through a spiritual lens, pop culture is entirely of this world.
Enjoying the amazing, thrilling world God created is good, but it was never meant to be our source of lasting peace and joy. The more teenagers find their place by participating in and identifying with pop culture, the less time and energy they have to invest elsewhere.
According to Proverbs 23:7, “As he thinks within himself, so he is” (NASB). It’s both a biological reality and a spiritual truth: how we choose to direct our thoughts shapes the very course of our lives. Dr. Caroline Leaf, after three decades of research on this topic, asserts, “In the busyness of life and the flurry of everyday activity, we expose ourselves to the possibility of developing a chaotic mindset with the net result of neurochemical and electromagnetic chaos in the brain.”
Dr. Leaf’s prescription: deliberately choose to take “a Sabbath in the brain.” This counteracts the neural and emotional overstimulation of pop culture. “It is like a mental rebooting process to reconnect with who we are and with our Savior to bring perspective to the issues of life.”18 Pop culture keeps us constantly spinning, striving, and seeking. Teach your teen to take a break from the chaos.
Also, share with your adolescent the truth that “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” (see 1 Cor. 6:12). We’ve been given tremendous freedom by the Lord, and regardless of age, stage of life, or socioeconomic level, every person shares this freedom: we can choose how to focus our minds.
The temptation to justify negative choices—“It’s not that bad,” “It doesn’t affect me,” or “It’s just a little thing”—is common to adults and teens alike. Consider, however, the shrewd observations of François Fénelon: “‘It is a small matter,’ they say. That is true, but it is of amazing consequence to you. It is something you love enough to refuse to give it up to God. It is something you sneer at in words, so that you may have an excuse to keep it: a small matter—but one that you withhold from your Maker, which can prove your ruin.”19
Let’s model for our teens that we refuse to be ruined by small things like TV, movies, or games that continually focus our minds on the here and now. Instead, let’s teach our teens to choose what builds up, rather than simply trying to figure out “How bad is too bad?” What you choose and what they choose matters.
Try It Today: Plan a Media Sabbath
A few weekends ago, both our girls lost their tech privileges. We ended up playing games, getting outside, and enjoying the time. Even they admitted it was fun! We didn’t have to force these activities; they happened naturally because there was space and enough “restlessness” in our adolescent daughters to prompt the question, “Do you guys want to do something together?”
When the option to watch or play something is always present, our teens tend to default to that. Perhaps you and yours do the same.
Plan a family media sabbath. Tell your teens you’re doing an experiment to determine, “When technology isn’t an option, what will we do?” They may grumble, but who knows what wild things may happen?
17
How Do I Know That’s True?
For Christian parents, statistics can tell a grim story. Take these, for example: somewhere between 40 and 50 percent of adolescents actively involved in church youth groups disconnect from God in college. And 80 percent of these teens intended to continue living a life of faith—only 20 percent predetermined to walk away—which means somewhere between intentions and daily decisions, a major breakdown occurs.1
Like for many of you, reading those stats ignites a fire of concern in us. How do we help our teens develop a faith that lasts, a faith that survives not only college but also the adult world of temptations, trials, and troubles? Sometimes it feels overwhelming.
As a teenager’s ability to think abstractly develops, most likely he or she will begin to explore and evaluate previously held beliefs. Even though they’re not the first people to ask existential questions such as “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and “How do I know any of this is true?” teenagers often feel that they’re the first (if not the only) ones to struggle with such issues. Because these ideas occur to them “all of a sudden,” teens often believe their experiences are entirely unique. They also may assume that having questions automatically means everything they’ve held true is under suspicion until proven to their satisfaction.
Please take a deep breath and know that all of this is normal. In fact, it’s essential. Your teen cannot develop an authentic faith without wrestling with the complexities of truth and life, hope and heartache. Looking at stats and walking through these years may spark fear in you, but we encourage you to read this chapter with a settled peace. God chose you to parent your teen, but he is your teenager’s Savior. His power, mercy, and love will protect your teen. Ultimately, whether adolescents stick with faith or walk away is up to them and God. In order to be part of his work in your teen’s life, it’s important that you know and can share with your teen the blessings of faith. Amazingly, the benefits start in your brain.
Bio 101
Close to two hundred independent scientific studies indicate that faith makes a noticeable difference in the structure and functioning of the brain. One prominent researcher, Dr. Andrew Newberg, has studied the impact of faith on the brain for over two decades. Focused on the connection between neurology and spirituality, his experiments utilize brain imaging to observe and evaluate both the practice and experience of faith.
After twenty years of empirical study and despite the fact that he professes no personal relationship with God, Dr. Newberg asserts, “Faith in its broadest sense is the best thing you can have for the brain.”2 In providing a framework for life and for understanding the world, faith creates what Dr. Newberg calls an “interconnected meshwork” that links brain and spirit with hope and health. Faith literally does a body good.
Both Dr. Newberg and Dr. Daniel Amen, neuroscientist and bestselling author, affirm that the practices of faith—prayer, meditation on Scripture, acts of charity and compassion, and so on—change the brain. Indeed, writes Dr. Newberg, as acts of faith “become a part of how your brain functions . . . you can do them more easily and you want to do them more. You become ‘wired’ for it. W
hether meditation, prayer, reading the Bible, discussing the Bible, or Bible studies, they change your brain, making you more receptive.”3 In other words, the more you invest in your faith, the more your brain changes; those brain changes mean an increased desire for the things of God and a greater receptivity to God through his Word, prayer, and engaging with the world.
Nobel laureate Dr. Eric Kandel first discovered that neurons never stop “learning,” and the implications for faith are profound. Because human brain cells alter with every stimulus, what we do, what we believe, and how we live out those beliefs on a daily basis transform us on a cellular level. It’s amazing to consider that as we engage in spiritual practices, neurons that fire together actually wire together, and we grow closer to God. Conversely, claims Dr. Amen, the more you give in to temptation, the more likely you are to give in to it in the future. Remember, neuroplasticity—the brain’s remarkable ability to adapt and alter based on experience—cuts both ways.
Neuroscience shows that practicing faith, not merely assenting to it, makes a profound overall difference in anyone’s physiology. Dr. Newberg’s team also discovered a benefit that we can apply to teens in particular. When participants in his experiments added a component of meditation to their life (such as focusing on a passage of Scripture), significant changes in brain functioning occurred. “Specifically,” noted Dr. Newberg, “we saw increased activity in the frontal lobes.”4
The frontal lobes! The very area of the adolescent brain that wires together last; the area of the brain involved in executive functions like judgment, forethought, planning, and self-control; the area that integrates with the rest of the brain to balance emotion with wisdom—the frontal lobes are changed by the practice of faith.
At this time in your teen’s life—when abstract reasoning develops, questions of why reign, and executive functions are periodically on or offline—right now is the time to encourage a personal practice of faith. Teenagers must begin to experience, choose, and know God on their own so that their brain and spirit can fire and wire together. This is the process the apostle Paul describes in Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Of course, we don’t practice faith simply to develop a healthier brain. God “has saved us and called us to a holy life” (2 Tim. 1:9). The word holy literally means “whole.” God is interested not merely in your teen’s belief and right action but in his or her entire life being set apart, healthy and whole for him. As parents, we might be tempted to settle for well-behaved, successful kids who grow up to be responsible and happy adults. The call of God on every teen’s life is far greater than this, and he has wired each teenage brain for faith, hope, love, and truth. Let’s look at some specific ways you can encourage this now.
Psych 101
Our body, mind, and spirit are intricately and inextricably connected. We cannot separate what’s happening in our brain from what occurs in our emotions and soul. God created us to be integrated beings. The connections between faith, God-honoring psychology, and biology are astounding!
In an earlier chapter, we discussed the role of mirror neurons, how they interact with the environment around us and influence our mental and emotional states. Here’s an example: when you see someone smile, that expression is reflected physiologically in your brain. In a manner of speaking, part of your brain smiles in response to another person’s joy.
According to Dr. Newberg, mirror neurons can play an important role in the communication of faith. If someone speaks about God in loving and confident ways, “those traits are similarly now reflected in the brains of all that are listening.”5 Dr. Newberg also points to hope and enthusiasm as essential components of faith that become mirrored by those around us. If you want your teenager to be excited about faith, model joy in and eagerness for relationship with God, the practices of faith, and fellowship with other Christians.
If all your teen hears are your complaints about church, believers who have disappointed or betrayed you, or that you’re too busy to pray or read the Bible, don’t be surprised if he or she mirrors this back to you. The same goes for expressing negative perspectives about God, which Dr. Newberg found activates the emotional amygdala and causes the stress hormone cortisol to be released in the brain and bloodstream. In excessive amounts, cortisol blocks or breaks down neural connections in the brain. What the people around your teen communicate and believe about God plays a role in making or breaking certain neural pathways.
Mirror neurons, of course, cannot tell us the whole story. They may help us understand the importance of modeling, but most of us know parents with committed and joyful lives of faith whose teenagers have gone off the rails. So many factors converge in a teen’s life, each strengthening or undermining faith. Parental modeling, strong friendships with other believers, and positive understanding of God are essential components, but each individual—including your teen—must respond to God on his or her own.
Ironically, if we could guarantee that our adolescents would live faithful lives by watching our own righteous living, we’d be in a worse predicament. Why? Because all of us fail in front of our children, multiple times every day. We cannot control our teenagers’ faith choices. The only area over which we have control is our own commitment to God.
That’s why it’s absolutely crucial that parents know what they believe and why they believe it. Your teen’s adolescent years provide an amazing opportunity for both of you to grow in faith. If you commit to engaging with the questions and doubts your teen brings up, everyone will benefit. The teenage years can be a win-win faith situation if greeted with a “roll up your sleeves and get into the grit” anticipation rather than “what if” and “if only” anxiety.
As you get ready to dig in, here are some specifics to remember:
Break the 88/95 cycle. According to research conducted with eleven thousand teenagers, only “12 percent of youth have a regular dialogue with their mom on faith or life issues. In other words, just one out of eight kids talks with their mom about faith. It’s far lower for dads. One out of twenty kids, or 5 percent, has regular faith or life conversations with their dad.” In addition, “approximately 9 percent of teenagers engage in regular reading of the Bible and devotions with their families. So not even one out of ten teenagers looks at Scripture with their parents. When it comes to matters of faith, mum’s usually the word at home.”6 You can break this cycle. Determine that you will be part of the percentage of parents who regularly talk with their teenagers about life and faith. In order to do this well . . .
Have more frequent, shorter conversations about faith. Some teenagers may be ready for protracted ponderings on theology, but most are not; their brains simply don’t have the wiring for it. Instead, adolescents are brilliantly positioned—neurologically, emotionally, and spiritually—to engage in ongoing dialogue about faith. Regularly asking questions and making comments about God, the Bible, church, fellowship, and prayer normalizes these things for a teenager and keeps them “on the radar.” Highly sensitive to what’s right in front of them, teenagers benefit from continual reminding (though not nagging) that God makes a difference in daily life. Of course, if you live as if a relationship with God is a Sunday thing and Monday through Saturday all bets are off, your teen will mirror this.
Ask thoughtful questions. Sticky Faith authors Dr. Kara Powell and Dr. Chap Clark brilliantly advise, “never explain something to your kid if you can ask a question instead.”7 Jesus himself was a master question asker, consistently drawing others into dialogue, wrestling with issues of life and faith by asking questions. In his power and by his grace, we can do this with our teenagers, but it means we’ve got to get beyond “What did you learn at church today?” or “How was youth group?” More often than not, you’ll get unsatisfying answers to stock questions like these. Instead, share with your teen something you lea
rned at church and ask his or her thoughts on it. Sometimes you’ll get an “I don’t know” or a disgruntled moan, but other times you’ll start a dialogue that neither you nor your teen will forget. In order to have that opportunity, you’ve got to try and try again.
Open the door for questions and doubts. Your teen has questions and doubts. It’s not a matter of if as much as which ones and how much they impact his or her daily life. Adolescent doubts usually focus on God’s existence, the purpose of life, why there’s so much suffering in the world, and whether they can be forgiven for bad things they’ve done. Teens also question their personal value, whether they could recognize God’s voice if he did speak to them, whether people who seem really good will go to hell, and if certain sins are actually that bad.8 Many adults wrestle with these issues; imagine trying to process them with a brain that’s being progressively remodeled. We should have great respect and compassion for our teens! You’ve had doubts and questions before; try to remember what that was like and be honest with your teen. Talking about your own struggles gives teenagers the freedom to share their questions with you. You don’t have to have perfect answers to everything. Indeed, according to Drs. Powell and Clark, “The greatest gift you can give your children is to let them see you struggle and wrestle with how to live a lifetime of trust in God.”9 Show your teens that you choose faith and pursue truth.
Help your teenager think biblically.10 Be careful that Bible stories and verses memorized don’t remain disconnected factoids. Thinking biblically involves a distinct and integrated worldview based on a growing understanding of the whole truth of Scripture. The life of faith concerns more than knowing about God; it must include living wisely in light of God’s truth. Your teen can’t stay inside God’s boundaries if he or she doesn’t know what they are. Without a “no matter what” heart commitment to doing God’s will, however, knowing commands won’t lead to life transformation.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 18