Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Encourage a 1 Timothy 4:7 life. Researchers discovered long ago that repeated physical activities such as juggling and piano playing rewire the brain. More recent studies confirm that cognitive repetition—specifically memorization and meditation—also stimulate myelination, an essential facet of brain remodeling.11 Remember, myelin insulates neural wiring so that your teen’s brain can work in a more efficient and integrated manner. When the Bible commands us to train or discipline ourselves for godliness (see 1 Tim. 4:7), it reveals a truth God wrote into our very cells. As we practice spiritual disciplines, our brains are myelinated—better connected and more effective. Amazing, isn’t it? Prayer, Bible study, and memorization really do matter. Motivate and reward your teen (remember how reward-sensitive adolescents are!) for practicing the disciplines of faith. Eventually—because, as Isaiah 55 promises, God’s Word never comes back void—being close to God will become its own reward.

  Faith 101

  The vast majority of teenagers don’t abandon faith because of Jesus. Most don’t walk away because they actively disbelieve in God. Instead, circumstance, convention, and confusion prey on teenagers. We need to clear these away and focus on who God truly is. For many teens, this process uncovers a performance-based, rather than gospel-laced, Christianity.

  Because humans want results (and preferably immediate and measurable ones), we often subject our faith to quantifiable standards. The thinking goes, if you read your Bible X number of times per week or pray for X number of minutes per day, you’ll get closer to God. The trouble is, teenagers who engage in this kind of faith jump on a treadmill of spiritual performance: if you “slip,” better hop on the treadmill and “run it off” with some extra prayer. If you’re a “good girl or boy,” you have peace and feel worthy. If you’re not, well . . .

  Our teenagers’ faith will fail if it is based on a “do good/don’t do bad” approach to life. The true gospel is about so much more than making us good little boys and girls. Jesus doesn’t simply “fix” our sin problem; he transforms every aspect of our being. Our teenagers must experience this true gospel of redemption and deliverance, developing “wholehearted trust in the God who is entirely trustworthy.”12 As Hebrews 10:23 proclaims, “Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise” (NLT).

  If you’re not living this gospel, you can’t pass it on to your teenager. If you’re on the spiritual treadmill, stale or suffocating Christianity may be plaguing you. If, on the other hand, you live in daily connection with the God of grace, mercy, and compassion, who doesn’t just save you from sin but also saves you for new life, you will model a faith that withstands the tempests of life because it is based on what God does, not your performance.

  Try It Today: Avoid the Easy Road

  Next time your teenager deals with a difficult issue, resist the urge to apply a biblical Band-Aid. Let’s imagine your son or daughter is being bullied at school. You could quote Scripture to your teen, encouraging him or her to turn the other cheek and forgive with a kind of “do the God thing and move on” approach. That’s the easy road. The more difficult path is to help your teen trust Jesus in circumstances that hurt and scream for justice.

  In his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, Nobel laureate Dr. Daniel Kahneman explains that the brain learns most effectively when it experiences challenge. Being too comfortable, Kahneman discovered through extensive research, suppresses analytical functioning in the brain.

  Kahneman divides the brain into two systems, which work together to operate at optimum efficiency. System 1 continuously generates “impressions, intuitions, and feelings. If endorsed by System 2, impressions and intuitions turn into beliefs and impulses turn into voluntary actions.”13 System 1 functions even when a person is relaxed (e.g., “zoning out” in front of the TV). System 2, however, must be active for us to learn, because it governs our ability to test assumptions, evaluate ideas, and establish new patterns of thought and action. Kahneman’s research shows that the brain shifts into System 2 functioning when stretched beyond its comfort zone.

  We cannot take the easy road of spiritual platitudes and weekly rituals because our brains will default to System 1 thinking. When challenged—whether through problems at school or church, a broken relationship, academic struggles, or some other trial—your teen must switch to System 2 brain functioning. His or her assumptions can be scrutinized, beliefs can be solidified, and transformation of the mind is made possible. Don’t try to avoid or whisk away the discomfort that comes with living in a broken, sin-stained world. Instead, engage in the struggle. This activates your teen’s capacity to learn and grow.

  This may be a mental shift for you. When your child was small, you solved most of his or her problems and eased the way. During the adolescent years, however, as teens face challenging situations, they must learn—more and more—to use difficulty and discomfort as the fuel for thoughtful action.

  For example, if your son or daughter fails to complete a project and asks you in desperation the night before to “cover for him” or “help her,” the best thing may be to state, “It’s unfortunate that you waited this long. What do you plan to do about this?” Placing the ball back in your teen’s court engages System 2 thinking.

  Asking older teens to take responsibility for managing their own schedules is another way to do this. That way if a practice or event is missed, it’s not “your fault,” but rather an opportunity to have your teen make the necessary explanations or apologies. Uncomfortable? Perhaps. Good for your teen? Definitely!

  18

  It’s Not My Fault

  Teenagers are highly self-absorbed and rarely self-aware; it’s one of the greatest mysteries surrounding adolescents and arguably the most frustrating aspect of parenting them. Considering the amount of time teens spend thinking about themselves, one might hope they’d develop the capacity to evaluate their behavior and make changes as needed. Yeah, right. As most parents of teenagers will attest, this kind of self-reflection seldom—if ever—occurs to the vast majority of adolescents.

  When I (Jerusha) woke up on my sister’s high school graduation day, I had one thing in mind: my outfit for the ceremony. I was singing in front of roughly two thousand people and—in my sixteen-year-old brain—looking great was top priority. Wearing one of my “old” dresses wasn’t going to cut it, so I went into my sister’s room to go through her closet.

  Jessica wasn’t having it. Whether she was annoyed with me for barging into her room or found it ridiculous that I was more concerned about how I looked than about celebrating her big day, I honestly don’t remember. A sarcastic verbal exchange escalated into a shouting match, which ultimately dissolved into—it’s humiliating for me to admit this—an all-out cat fight, during which my sharp fingernails left an ugly scratch on Jess’s face. On her graduation day.

  My mom rushed in to mediate, and after ascertaining the basic facts, she expected me to apologize for lacerating my sister’s cheek. Of course, that would’ve been the right thing to do. Instead, I blamed Jessica for inciting me. If she hadn’t been so selfish with her clothes, none of this would have happened. She never thinks about anyone but herself, went my faulty reasoning. I persisted in this argument, the height of irrationality! I’m utterly chagrined recounting these circumstances.

  Like my teenage self, many adolescents will blame anything and everything before acknowledging their own culpability. It’s a human weakness that started in the Garden. Blame-shifting and responsibility-shirking have plagued every human heart since, and this problem often comes into sharp focus during the teenage years.

  Bio 101

  In light of the amazing information we’ve shared about the teenage brain, some might be tempted to blame biology for the issues adolescents and their parents face. We sincerely hope you won’t. As we’ve reiterated again and again, understanding our bodies doesn’t excuse behavior. It can give us perspective, increase our compassion, and guide our approach to parenting, b
ut what’s happening in your adolescent’s brain doesn’t define him or her.

  In the not-so-distant past, genetics became a popular scapegoat for a wide variety of behaviors, ailments, and attributes. According to some theorists, genes and their expression determine everything from intelligence to physical health to personality profiles. Gratefully, science has progressed beyond this simplistic approach. After all, if humanity is reduced to a chemical chain, it’s impossible not to be anxious about—even obsessed with—which genes are good or bad.

  In the words of Dr. Francis Collins, former head of the Human Genome Project and director of the National Institutes of Health, “Fortunately, ten years of intensive study of the human genome have provided ample evidence that these fears of genetic determinism are unwarranted. It has shown us definitively that we human beings are far more than the sum of our genetic parts. . . . Genes are not all-determining factors in the human experience.”1

  The same is true of the human brain. Despite what some claim, we aren’t merely the sum of our neurons. Your adolescent’s brain doesn’t force him or her to do anything. It may make certain things more desirable to your teen or certain patterns of behavior more probable, but your son’s or daughter’s brain does not generate behavior.

  We’ve highlighted the significance of neuroplasticity in various chapters, and as we discuss personal responsibility, it’s essential to emphasize again that teenagers can change on all levels: physiological, emotional, and spiritual. The adolescent brain is constantly altering based on environmental stimulus and experience. Because of this remarkable truth, the more adolescents are exposed to self-reflective thinking—first being guided in this process, then required to do the mental work alone—the better able they will be to assume responsibility rather than shifting blame.

  Psych 101

  Here are a few things to keep in mind if you want to help your teen develop self-awareness and guide them in the process of reflecting on their behavior and acknowledging wrongdoing.

  Be aware of popular excuses. Adolescents are master excuse-makers. Teens may claim they “didn’t hear you” or “didn’t know that’s what you really wanted.” If you’ve assigned a chore he or she detests, you may hear later, “There wasn’t enough time.” Forgetting is a convenient excuse for almost anything, and when it comes to behavior issues, pointing out someone else’s failings (often yours!) is a favorite strategy. In order to help your teen get beyond blame-shifting, be on the lookout for popular excuses and direct attention back to the issue at hand: your teen’s responsibility.

  Don’t get distracted. This second point is closely related to the first. Along with being master excuse-makers, adolescents are also prodigious attention-diverters. When a parent points out behavior that’s out of bounds, teenagers often respond with defensiveness or hurt feelings. Some teens try to turn the tables on their parents, accusing them of being unfair, never listening, or always jumping to conclusions. Expect these kinds of smoke screens. Spending time justifying your parental response diverts energy and focus from the business at hand: getting to your teen’s heart. Oftentimes, you can defuse defensiveness with humility. Speaking directly with teenagers—“I sense a lot of tension here, and that won’t help us resolve this issue, which is my primary goal. Could you explain why you are so angry or defensive?”—requires them to evaluate their emotional response.

  Engage the mind to transform the heart. Stop telling your teen what he or she did. Ask questions instead. And not just, “What were you thinking?” questions but rather challenging, revealing questions that teenagers wouldn’t think, or wouldn’t want, to ask themselves. In doing this, your goal is to expose your teen’s motives, thoughts, assumptions, and desires. For lasting change, your teen’s heart must be transformed, not just his or her behavior.

  Asking good questions engages the prefrontal cortex and encourages neural connectivity and integration. This, of course, is crucial for under-construction teenagers. God designed our brains to work with our emotions and our will to shape our character. Asking questions helps teenagers participate in this process and ultimately equips them to do it on their own. Parental declarations of what a teen did wrong (and why) lead to adolescent defensiveness or passivity. Engage your teen’s mind by inviting him or her to interpret events rather than relying on your constant analysis.

  In his powerful book Age of Opportunity, Paul David Tripp outlines some excellent heart-searching questions. After establishing the basic facts around a situation, Tripp encourages parents, you can ask teenagers questions like these:

  What were you thinking or feeling at the time?

  Why was that so important to you?

  What was it that you were afraid of in that situation?

  What was it that you were trying to get?

  Why did you become so angry?

  If you could go back and do something differently, what would you change?2

  Open-ended questions engage teenagers’ brains in evaluating their emotional response to the situation (what they thought and felt), any actions they took in response to their feelings (what they did), the motives and desires that prompted these responses (why they did it), and what happened as a result. Parents can follow up with a question like, “What would we expect of you in this situation?”

  Initially, most teenagers have a difficult time answering questions like these. It’s not natural! It’s helpful for parents to anticipate that this process of self-reflection will take time to develop. We don’t have to push for immediate results. Instead, be gracious: “I can see why it would be difficult to sort this out. Why don’t you think about it and we can chat later?”

  Set self-reflection up for success. Punishments handed out unilaterally, without compassion, don’t lead to heart change in your teen. A logical consequence, communicated with empathy, “allows our kids to figure out for themselves the cause-and-effect patterns of how their decisions and behaviors lead to certain consequences; it allows them to know that we love, support, and feel empathy for them in their situations but will not bail them out; and it allows responsibility to develop in them as they work through their difficulties and solve their problems for themselves.”3 The most successful times of self-reflection for your teen may come after you compassionately fit consequence and crime together.

  Address the pleasure principle. If you ask teenagers what they want out of life, happiness will rank at the top of the list. Teens who “just want to be happy” think this is a reasonable goal. They don’t realize that someone’s pleasure often leads to someone else’s pain. Teens need to be trained to ask themselves, “What will it cost other people for me to be happy in this situation?” You can help by pointing out how this works in daily life. This isn’t a time for a “Woe is me! I do so much for you and you don’t even realize it!” lament. Rather, this is an opportunity to help engage your teen’s mind and heart. Consider asking questions like, “In order for you to go out and have fun with friends, what do you think your ____________ (e.g., mom/dad/siblings) would have to give up?” As always, remember this is a process, and don’t get frustrated if a grunt and “I dunno” follow your initial attempts. Being patient and persistent leads to an eventual payoff.

  Give yourself the extra fifteen minutes. It takes time to engage your teenager’s heart. If your schedule is so jam-packed that you don’t have time to ask thoughtful questions and wait for your teen’s response, something’s got to change. Every blame-shifting excuse, as maddening as it may be, is an opportunity for you to draw out your teenager’s heart. Whenever your teen wants to shirk personal responsibility, you have a chance to help him or her develop self-awareness. In this process, not only is time crucial; self-control is as well. Your natural reaction to teenage blame-shifting probably isn’t patience and humility, but parents are called to exhibit these very traits. Our own bad behavior distracts teens from looking at their hearts. If you do flip your lid, ask for forgiveness. A humble acknowledgment of wrongdoing models the process of self-ref
lection for your adolescent. Thankfully, you don’t have to manufacture patience, gentleness, or self-control. You can’t white-knuckle your way through parenting a teen! Ask the Holy Spirit to produce his fruit in you, enabling you to teach your teen how to take responsibility and act accordingly. He promises to do this for those who ask (see John 15:7 and Gal. 5:25).

  Faith 101

  Teenagers exemplify the truth that self-absorption doesn’t lead to self-reflection; instead, it leads to self-consciousness. Self-awareness and the ability to act upon it come ever and only from God-consciousness.

  Adolescents typically live in extremely present-driven, physically focused, and problem-centric ways. What’s right in front of them consumes their energies, and teenage life often gets reduced to what I want in this moment (i.e., “my will be done”). This lack of God-consciousness makes teenagers poor self-reflectors and master blame-shifters. The Bible makes it clear: when the mind is focused only on the here and now or the pleasure one can derive from it, godliness is impossible. “The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:7–8).

  For this reason, we must help teens not only acknowledge their sin but also abhor it. If they can detect sin but still don’t detest it, their hearts can be misled. Satan is actively focused on deceiving your teenager. He wants your adolescent son or daughter to think, “__________ really isn’t that bad.” He diabolically presents what’s dangerous, what’s destructive, and what ultimately leads to death (in other words, sin) as an attractive and appealing option.