by Jean Oram
Every night she wished that was still true. Still something she could still count on.
Come on, Todd. Give me a sign.
The women were watching Nicola as though expecting her to do something. She shrugged at them, seeking a cue. Then the opening refrains of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” echoed through the gym.
The last time she’d heard this song was in the movie theater with Todd. They’d had a debate over the lyrics and she’d told him she disliked it. So why was he playing it?
Obviously he wasn’t going to sweep in and propose. Which meant it was a message.
She stilled, lowering her head, concentrating on bringing back Todd’s argument, his interpretation of the song.
Whitney continued to belt out the emotion-rich words with such conviction it made Nicola’s chest ache.
First message: Todd loved her.
Hope bobbed through the dread, but knowing there was more to the song, the message, Nicola continued to concentrate.
Second message: He felt he was holding her back, that he wasn’t enough for her.
End result: Because he loved her, he wanted her to have a better life. That meant a life without him—the undeserving lover.
Boy did he have it wrong.
* * *
Nicola hustled out to the parking lot, her warm coat tugged tight around her. She was enough for Todd. He was enough for her. Their adventures were changing and would continue to do so. The important thing was that they had always chosen each other. Always.
Traveling the world had been about choosing Todd and allowing him to choose her. It hadn’t really been about proving to herself or the world that she was exciting and could live spontaneously. It was about Todd. If he’d asked her to sit in a cold, damp room and make a thousand paper origami cranes with him she would have said yes.
They just needed to continue choosing each other and stop running, stop assuming.
Which meant she needed to fix this. Now. She wasn’t going to lose him again.
She climbed into her car, getting out of the familiar hometown east wind. Todd’s apartment was only ten minutes from their old school. She could be there in eight if she hit all green lights.
Nine minutes later she was standing outside his apartment, knocking until her knuckles were numb.
“He’s obviously not home,” a cranky woman hollered from next door before slamming her apartment door, her pinecone wreath tumbling off its hook.
Nicola sighed. If he wasn’t home, where was he? Out with someone else? Out of the country?
Summoning her resolve, she looked up the address of his office and headed over, knowing that finding him there on a Saturday afternoon was a long shot.
She was able to find a parking spot in front of the building and hurried inside, surprised to have found the entry doors unlocked. The small lobby was vacant, an impossibly tall Christmas tree towering in the corner. She took the elevator to Todd’s floor and nearly bumped into a woman coming out of Elixir Marketing—Todd’s office. She was carrying a stack of printouts and squealed when she saw Nicola.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed, juggling the papers. “I wasn’t expecting anyone today. We’re closed.”
“I’m sorry,” Nicola said. “Is Todd Haber here by chance?”
“Oh! You must be Nicola. You just missed him.” The woman smiled warmly at her as though they knew each other.
“He talked about me?”
“Of course.” She gave Nicola a sympathetic smile. “He seemed so glum this week—such a long trip this time. Although it sounds a lot better than dealing with overdue government paperwork!” She held up the stack in her arms. “I’m sure he would have loved to have had you see him off. Be a dear and unlock that storage room for me?” She pointed to a door to Nicola’s right, dangling a ring of keys from beneath her armload of files. “It’s the small square key. Todd’s been such a godsend. I know the trips are exhausting, and your relationship is so new. He was really worried about it.”
“He was? But I thought…” She thought his boss didn’t send employees off as often if they were in a serious relationship. And why hadn’t Todd expressed his worries to her? He’d acted as if being away all the time was no big deal. Had he been trying to act as cool and aloof as she had been?
“You must be the most understanding girlfriend in the world.”
“Not really,” she admitted awkwardly. More like the complete opposite.
“With his son having so many medical difficulties lately, George has been afraid to travel. And since Todd loves to go exploring, he just naturally picked up the foreign cases nobody wanted.”
Plus some, by the sounds of it. But still, Todd had been trying to be a good man, balancing their relationship and her workload along with his own—and helping a family in need. Whereas Nicola had made it all about herself and her insecurities.
But why hadn’t he tried to explain his reasoning? She liked to think that if she’d known, she would have been a lot more understanding instead of assuming the worst.
“He’s pretty great,” she said meekly, helping the woman relock the storage room again before handing back the keys.
“I can’t believe you missed him.” The woman tsked.
“How long…?” Her voice caught in her throat. What if he was on his way to the airport? She could catch him before he boarded, just like in the movies.
“He’ll be gone right up until the New Year.” She gave Nicola a sad look.
Nicola was going to pass out.
No. She could handle this. She was okay.
Oh, she was going to throw up.
No, no barfing. No freaking out. She was going to be calm. She was going to find a way to resolve this.
Three weeks!
That was way too long. She needed to win him back right this instant.
“I lost his contact information for Honduras,” Nicola blurted out. She gave his colleague a panicked look. Why had she lied? She was putting the woman in a position where she might give out information Todd might not want her to have. He’d asked the reunion organizers to play a breakup song as a last dig or an extra goodbye, after all.
His coworker gazed at her strangely. “He canceled Honduras days ago. This is for Mongolia.”
“Oh, right. Sorry. Pregnancy brain.”
The woman’s face lit up. “That’s why he jumped at Mongolia! He’s getting paid extra, since it’s so far away and for so long. Congratulations. How are you feeling?”
“Oh, uh, okay, I guess.”
He got paid extra? According to Whitney Houston he was leaving Nicola because he felt she’d be better off without him. But he still loved her. Always would.
Yup. She was going to cry. Big, ugly sobs if she didn’t get control of herself.
The woman turned, heading back into the main office. “Let’s get that contact info for you.” She sat, clicking away at her keyboard which was encircled by red and silver garland. Seconds later several documents shot out of the printer beside her. She handed over a complete itinerary, from meeting times and locations to hotel and flight information.
Nicola looked up at her, and unable to speak, mouthed, “Thank you!”
The woman beamed. “Anything for love.”
* * *
By the time Nicola hit the sidewalk, doubt was eating her up. She’d missed Todd’s flight by hours. He was gone. In the air. Putting hundreds of miles between them with each passing hour.
She couldn’t do anything with the information she had, because what was she going to do? Fly to Mongolia? And she wasn’t calling him—not after last time. She needed to see him face-to-face.
At a loss, she sat heavily on a park bench outside the building.
Nicola sniffed, staring at her scuffed leather boots, the grubby snow underfoot. A stained kerchief appeared in her line of vision. A homeless man was offering it to her and she realized her eyes had grown moist. She tried for a smile while gently shaking her head, pulling herself back together.
She shook her head again, burrowing deeper into her coat.
“Man problems?”
She nodded.
“Crazy bastard.”
She nodded again, fighting back tears and a watery smile. Todd had gone to Mongolia without a word to her. She’d told him to leave and he’d taken it to heart. The night he’d first taken her to bed, she’d promised she would keep talking to him—would never stop—and she hadn’t. She’d broken her promise. Both of them had.
How could two people who knew each other so well mess up so badly when they’d had years of practice communicating and being honest—just never about their emotional needs or wants?
“If you want to get back at him, I can step in as your boyfriend.” The homeless man gave her a gap-toothed smile and she laughed, thinking of Devon.
“You’re not the first one to offer that as a solution, you know.”
“It’s ’cause you’re cute and some of us are suckers for brokenhearted gals. We want to fix you.”
“Only one man can fix this.”
“True love is it, then?”
She nodded.
“Better go get him.”
“He’s in Mongolia.”
“What’s your point, sweetie? Are you broke and homeless?”
“No,” she said carefully.
“Have a passport?”
She nodded.
“Money?”
She gave a small shrug. She had some tucked away, but she also had a child on the way. However, by the time the baby was due, she’d have made it a year in the Blueberry Springs town office, meaning she’d qualify for maternity leave benefits.
She gave a firm nod. “I have enough money.”
And as far as she knew, pregnant women could safely fly to Mongolia.
“Then sounds like you have your walking papers.” He grinned. “Or in this case, your chasing papers. Go get ’em, girl!”
* * *
Nicola left a message on her boss’s voice mail saying she was taking a few days off, then called Janet to ask her to take care of Twiggy for a little longer than just the reunion. Finally, she purchased a change of clothes and some toiletries and boarded the first flight she could find that would get her on her way to Mongolia.
Her boss might fire her.
She might lose everything. Her benefits, her apartment.
And right now that didn’t matter, because she knew she needed Todd in her life or it wouldn’t be the life she wanted. She needed to go for it—whatever “it” ended up being.
Their lives and situations had changed, and even though he no longer needed a study partner, or a roommate, or someone to join him for tequila night, or figure out which hostel was less likely to give them bedbugs, or to carry an extra granola bar in her pack for him, they still needed each other.
They needed each other for different reasons now. Their lives were empty without someone who understood them. Someone who would listen to them talk about their day. Someone to laugh with them about their misdeeds and screw-ups, as well as to be the first to toast their triumphs. But most of all, they both yearned for someone to love, and to have it returned.
It might not be the life of adventure she’d once thought she needed, but it was good. Life had changed and so had her needs—and maybe Todd’s had, too. And if not, they could figure it out. Together.
And the only way to figure out how they still fit in each other’s lives and hearts was to go talk to him. He knew who she was at her core and he had always chosen her. That was enough.
The flights to Mongolia were long and she slept most of the way, waking up dazed and disoriented as the plane touched down, the airport decorated with what she learned were beautiful, festive New Year trees, not Christmas trees.
Everything felt slightly off and a sensation of vulnerability washed over her. She didn’t like traveling without Todd in a foreign country, and she held her small carry-on close, afraid of the crush of people. Everyone was intent on going where they were supposed to, their voices loud. Normally she had everything planned and knew the best mode of transportation, where to eat, where to stay, what a decent exchange rate was and where to get it.
This time she knew nothing. She didn’t even have local currency.
With shaking hands, she handed her passport to the airport’s customs agent, struggling to regain a more tethered feeling.
“Reason for travel?”
“Personal.” Very personal.
“Holiday?”
“I’m meeting up with a friend.” Who doesn’t know I’m coming.
“How long are you staying?”
“Until he says he loves me,” she blurted out. “Or, um, I have to head home again. I guess whichever comes first—my return date or the ‘I love you.’ Although I guess I have to stay until my return date because there aren’t many flights home.”
He raised a brow. “Three days is a very short trip.”
“I couldn’t take much time off work.”
“How much money are you bringing into the country?”
“Oh, um...” She opened her purse and rifled through the bills. “About a hundred and fourteen dollars.”
“Where are you staying?”
Right. When she’d been backpacking around the world with Todd they’d simply enter a hostel name. So she needed a hostel. Or a hotel.
“Ma’am?”
“Uh…” She opened Todd’s itinerary and pointed to the hotel listed. “Here.”
He looked at the sheet. “We’re not going to have an international incident if we grant you entry, are we?”
“Um, no?”
“Kidnapping? Stalking?” His stamp was hovering over the blank page in her well-used passport.
“Nothing like that. I’m just a woman asking her best friend to love her again.”
“Right.” He didn’t at all seem touched, merely stamped her passport and called the next passenger to come forward.
Nicola stopped at a currency exchange booth, then clutched the colorful bills the clerk handed her. She needed to pull herself together. Think like a traveler. She tucked the cash into a makeshift money pouch called her bra, thinking of her aunt Mary Alice and all she stored in there. Not a bad idea, really. It was handy, close to the body, as well as difficult for someone else to get at without you noticing.
Nicola stepped into the frigid air, shivering in the wind as she searched for a taxi. It would cost more than a bus or shuttle, but she was in no mood to navigate the cold city. Especially without Todd.
Someone bumped her bag, nearly knocking it off her shoulder as the wind bit at her cheeks. She swung the satchel around so she was hugging it, afraid of being pickpocketed. Not wanting to reveal where her valuables were by checking on them, she carried on, quirking her head as a man walked into the airport several doors down. Something about him looked familiar. She shook her head, convinced she was seeing Todd everywhere. She’d thought she’d spotted him on the plane, in the departure area back home. But it wasn’t him. It never was. He was simply on her mind.
“Nicola!”
She turned at the sound of the woman’s voice—her mother’s. She blinked and shook her head. This was starting to feel like one of her intense pregnancy dreams. She was going to wake up on the plane at any moment with drool all down her chin.
Her mother stepped around a group of tourists.
“Mom?” Nicola pinched her own arm through her thick coat. Not dreaming.
“This is so crazy,” her mom said, laughing. “A moment sooner or later and I would have missed you completely.” She held Nicola at arm’s length, taking her in. “The same country, the same place, at the same time. I always expected to bump into you in an airport somewhere during your travels, but I thought you were done?” She looked over Nicola’s shoulder. “Where’s Todd?”
“I’m meeting him later,” she said, instantly regretting the white lie.
“Oh, well. I supposed I’ll miss
him then. I’m about to catch a connector. Came out for a smoke.” She gave Nicola a small smile. “You look great.”
“Where are you heading?”
“India. I had a week off and now I’ve got to get myself back to the diplomat’s side.” She flipped through her purse, then pulled out a large-screen cell phone. She tugged off her black leather gloves and tapped out a note to herself. “That man would get food poisoning if I wasn’t there organizing his life.”
“What sort of jobs do you do? As his assistant?”
Her mother looked up in surprise. “What do you mean, what do I do? I keep him going. Very good money in it. I get to see new places and I’m always on the move. One country, then off to the next. Never a dull moment.”
“It sounds exhausting,” Nicola said, wishing for a place to sit down.
“Oh, it’s fun.” Her mom smiled, so obviously full of happiness. She gave Nicola a quick hug. “I love you, but I have to run.” She clutched her phone to her chest, doing a little jig. “I’m just so excited to have bumped into you!”
“Me, too,” Nicola said softly, watching her mother hustle off. “Mom! You’re going to be a grandma!” she shouted, hands cupped around her mouth. Her mother vanished into the terminal, the news lost.
Nicola watched the doors for a moment, then waved down a taxi. She’d never noticed it before, but her mother’s life paralleled her own in some ways. Or vice versa. Traveling with someone and being the organizer, keeping him on schedule, keeping him safe.
Her mother had left her father. Called him a boring old lump and then went on to have a big, exciting life. The very thing Nicola had feared Todd would do to her.
She shook her head, feeling as though she hadn’t totally sorted out the puzzle of herself, her history or her future.
It was a long ride to the hotel, the cab’s heater barely sending puffs of heat to the backseat. By the time she got out at Todd’s hotel she was a shivering mess and worn out from running circles in her head.
She marched up to the front desk, rubbing her achingly cold hands together in hopes the friction would cause enough heat to thaw them out. “Do you speak English?”
The man nodded. “Yes, I do.” His accent was thick but his words so well pronounced she had no issue understanding him.