The Celestial Sea

by Marina de Nadous

  The morning finds me in School again, working with the young Danish boy, Andre. ‘Stories of the Early Saints’——Sienna’s Main Lesson, is an apt reflection of the eight-year-olds’ growing awareness of their individual impact on the world. I copy St. George’s Well onto my small chalkboard, my young charge working beside me. Neat, colourful borders surround each masterpiece; a standard practise in School as the children’s Main Lesson books fill with spectacular artwork. By the age of fourteen the pupils’ skill is impressive. They always work on plain paper, using coloured pencils for their writing, graduating to ink pens when they have mastered writing in a straight line. One of the most important Main Lessons towards the end of Class 4 includes the history of paper and pen making. Of course the children learn to make and use both——and then the teacher presents each budding scribe with their new pen; an important rite of passage as they move into the middle school.

  Our drawings complete, {along with flaming dragon of course}, recorder practise begins. Andre does not like playing the recorder. I have never learnt; another skill I need to acquire. After a few basic exercises we leave the class for a study of the ant and spider life on the deck outside. Now, this is much more to his taste. He delights in every tiny detail and we enjoy the different insects that appear between the boards. The wider environment is exciting too. We watch the moving clouds and exotic birds nesting in the surrounding trees. Our senses are razor sharp. He grabs my hand every few minutes and points out discovered treasures with squeals and surprised gasps. He is a dear little chap; unusual and intensely observant.

  Midday, Adrian: Lovely Lady, do you come my way? I need to run a load to the transfer station, {Local dump}. Shall I meet you at Yarrow Park?

  Mouse: Lovely idea——am just finishing town errands. I shall park on road to left of Park and wait for you——M——X ——

  P.S: Have got fodder——even lettuce! We can feast together in the ‘under story’, protected by the ‘canopy’ and shielded from prying eyes by all the ‘fringe’ bushes. And by the way, stunning chalk drawing on the board today. I like the strong shading of the tree roots and trunks——interesting tones of greys and whites in bold strokes. Stunning teacher too——X

  Adrian: No rush, My Love. Just loading up. 20 mins.

  Mouse: Just leaving centre of town. Can’t wait to see you——X

  Adrian: On my way, see you in 5. P.s Actually, can you wait 10? Then I’ll be free of this smelly load.

  Mouse: Yes, Good Sir.

  We meet in Yarrow Park; a quiet Reserve on the outskirts of town. My man strolls under the blossom trees to find me. His faithful dog trots beside him. This is a secret place, laden with pretty planting and unusual trees. The lawns are immaculate. We stop to watch the water tumbling in an organized dance down some steps in the centre of the gardens. A blue dye is sometimes added, surprising me the first time I came here. Adrian takes my hand and leads me behind a discreet shrub where I produce a picnic. Exotic magnolia and camellia surround us; silent listeners to our lovers’ quandary. It is another warm day. This regular, glorious weather is wonderful.

  Adrian is out of sorts again; concerned and anxious. We try to get to the bottom of his disquiet. Our deepening relationship is the major cause of his unease; without a doubt. ‘This is impossible; we have no future. Our attachment is unable to reach its natural resting place in a husband and wife partnership, which is where it wants to go. What do we do with it now?’ Here lies the unspoken mind-talk; a persistent and increasing nag that will not go away, along with his accompanying issues of low self-esteem. I dare broach the subject that too much self-analysis can become a destructive habit instead of a positive one. Touches of introspection and ‘narcissism’ inch their way into his beautiful mind. “Have I said too much?” I ask; worried. I know he likes to be challenged, but this is a direct hit. He is thoughtful and looks away for a moment. However, he faces me again and says; “no, it’s okay. Thank-you for being honest.”

  We talk about the importance of balance——allowing time for oneself while maintaining a worthwhile role in the community. We would face a similar danger if we were a regular couple——total self-sufficiency and self-absorption. Our fount of personal creativity would keep us occupied for month on end. That’s why a school is so important for Adrian, as well as for us, if we are ever to become a permanent fixture. “I think you are probably a natural contemplative like my dear friend at home; J.J,” I add as an afterthought. “I wonder if you could transform the self-analysis into private prayer, making specific time for yourself every day. A silent space; perhaps twice a day. What do you think?”——“Hmm”——he considers.

  “I am not content until I have found the deep meaning in everything I do, everything I think, everything I say. It is a search for beauty——yes, the hidden beauty.” I listen to my serious Friend, realizing this is an important revelation. The Camellias are listening with me. Feeling at ease Adrian takes my hand and leads me further into the heart of the Park. We stroll contentedly under the established planting. Enormous Plane trees tower above us, offering seclusion. There are other trees too; each one marked with a small plaque stating its name and origin: American Lawson Cypress, Japanese Camphor Laurel and Banya Pine from Australia. Stopping in the middle of a collection of Californian, Redwood giants he holds me against him——so tenderly. Today’s meeting is tinged with sadness; we face an impossible struggle if our love is to continue. Our lips meet in a long, silent conversation and then it is time to part.

  Late afternoon, Mouse: The Minx and I are free till 6.45p.m. We might go to a park, or a beach. Let me know if you want to meet up to write music or diary plan etc——Love you——X

  Adrian: Yes please. I’m off to tip again, and to vege shop. Dying for a swim——Tui Park?

  Mouse: Rinky is keen to go to Monument Park——she likes to splash in the fountain. Any good? ——M——X

  Adrian: Sure, what time? Heading there slowly now——after picking up dog food. 15 mins.

  Mouse: We are on the swings, waiting for our gallant Prince. Not sure who is more excited about your arrival——the Big, or the Little Princess!

  Princess Rinky the Minx enjoys the playground equipment and our gallant hero can’t resist a chasing game before the serious work of festival song writing begins. The Big Princess finds the perfect bench from which to conduct their creative meeting. There is a blue wall behind the seat she notices; they sit in front of the fountain pump-house and watch Rinky while they work. Lord Swallow, with recorder in hand, continues to pick out the tune they have already begun. Some of the words appear. They are making headway. This is a working meeting, especially with their young chaperone in tow. With a call for repeated chasing games the two Princesses end up taking turns with the Prince’s attention.

  P.m. Mouse: Feeling strong waves of love for my man. Need to hold him——need him to hold me. Can phone for a goodnight whisper before Laird returns if it wouldn’t disturb you? ——X

  Adrian: Can you call now? I have just had a process with my Mother, Jenny. Still haven’t tackled myself though. You were so lovely to me today——soft and kind——patient. You are a clear, strong, warm-hearted Friend. I am privileged to be so close with you. I like the way you find solutions to problems——set back only for an instant before new options arise. A fount of clear positivity——bubbling up; a blessing to the world like St. George’s well. Goodnight Sweet Woman——

  Mouse: Goodnight, My Lovely Friend. Sorry to have missed phoning slot——hit by a massive, sleepy dog, {I mean fog!} Cannot keep eyes open. Laird being tolerant about messy house. Thank-you for your beautiful words, my deep, contemplative Prince——how I love to be still with you, tasting every flavour in this glorious, unfolding life. M.

  My thoughts turn to Adrian and his family as I drift off. His need for intense relationship and emotional sharing reaches out to parents and siblings; in fact, to anyone who walks beside him. In demanding this level of connection with others he is able to re
ach a calm point of communion within himself, a clear path through his mind-talk tangle. I notice this especially after time apart. He needs to re-balance. And not just with me. I see this emerging pattern with every social re-alignment. As The Laird says: “Our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.”

  This intensity is what I crave; what Adrian gives me, although I can see that in some circumstances it could become too much. Having spent a fair amount of time with my Friend I know he can snap into a lighter being relatively easily, and then what fun he is——oh yes. He is a complicated person, but intriguing at the same time.

  “Can you handle this? Can you? Come to me; tell me your truths,” he asked in a message ten days ago. Yes, I can handle him. I am a relatively uncomplicated person. I feel strong and centred and know he will let me challenge him, as indeed I need him to emotionally challenge me. His humility is beautiful. Perhaps our relationship works so well because I am personally centred. Do we balance each other perfectly? Does our alignment give our Boat her swift and steady passage? Having been apart for a while Adrian demands an inspection of our metaphorical canvas before we set sail; our depth of sharing sets the sailors’ course and there is no turning back.

  I sometimes wonder how my immediate family and friends would react to Adrian, and how he would react to them? The Kiwis are good at airing their thoughts and feelings, but the English? Hmm——would he find them impossible to unearth? Would he get frustrated if he couldn’t communicate deeply? Would he unsettle them? Would they find him too intense? These questions lap quietly at the corners of my mind. I listen to them but don’t worry. To be aware is enough.

  Wednesday 15th November 2006

  A.m. Adrian: Rain falls gently on the hopes of a beautiful outing——something right about it though. Dreams of School——a bigger school——older children——lost my class. Big J——dangerous, angry Mother stuff. Swallow Man is feeling zingy and a bit flighty today. Awake early——guilty——I’m sorry to say——cautious of being too self-indulgent and narcissistic——wrapped up in myself——think I might be. The wind is blowing strongly; straight in through the bedside window——lifting the curtains like Rinky’s dress yesterday at the Park——full bellied.

  Cooking tonight——what to make? Brings up worry——Big J. looming on my horizon. What is it with this? I’m running the old stuff——not good enough——unreliable——“Sienna had to step in and organize transport for the trip, so that it got done,” Big J. remarked. He flounders——people don’t trust him——he’s unreliable——away with the fairies. STOP. The truth is——I’ve had busy weekends and am just catching up. I choose to plan——schedule——wrap up my responsibilities.

  Mouse: Good morning, My Love——Sleepy Mouse calling. Wish we could stay in the Leafy Glade all day, listening to the rain falling softly in the garden. Would you like a morning whisper? Laird out in town now——just text if you would. Loving you. X

  Adrian: Mmm——please do.

  Unfortunately, the reception is bad and I don’t receive Adrian’s message until much later. We miss our phone slot.

  Mouse: Darling——don’t feel guilty over being wrapped up in yourself. You are self-healing. You are acquiring skills that mean you can move on quickly from getting ‘bogged down in narcissism’. You will be able to switch into humble, contemplative prayer——an ‘offering up’ to a Christ centred communion——uncluttered——letting it all go. You are strong now. You have the tools to move beyond——X

  Our phone seems to be on the blink——bad weather up here again. You can try if you like. Hope you are feeling better? Hope the school trip goes really well. Rain in the Forest——yum. Do you want to borrow the long raincoat today? I have it here. Loving you big time——X

  Adrian is taking Class 3 to the Forest today. Everyone is excited. Walking shoes, rain jackets and extra picnic provisions are inspected in the cloak-bay while the children line up for the morning handshake. This is Adrian’s favourite thing; a living experience to stamp real learning into the children’s current Main Lesson. I’m not sure who is more excited, the pupils or the teacher? Anyway, they are not leaving until ten-thirty so we get on with the first part of the morning. Today’s movement and co-ordination session takes the form of a lively country dance. We are accompanied by the Smiling Minstrel on guitar, Cory on recorder and Cordelia’s son Joni on violin. I duly take my place with my young ‘Spider Watcher’, and off we go, around the classroom in time to the bouncy melody. What fun! Recorded music is never played in these artistic schools; only the genuine article is deemed fit for precious, young souls. And then they are away——The Forest beckoning. I head home for the usual round of chores and the ever-expectant menagerie.

  Early P.m Mouse: Dear Lord Swallow——how goes the adventure? Art thou home? Requiring peace alone, or a visit from your tired Lady? Just let me know. Either way I shall jump on my stead, or not. Love you——M——X

  Adrian: Come now, My Love. I await your warm body against mine——

  Mouse: In Waikite Bay shops——with you in 3. Can’t wait——X

  We don’t spend time in the Leafy Glade today. Adrian is preparing a lamb shank meal for the household tea, {or supper if you come from the U.K} It took us a while to get used to the different mealtime terminology when we first arrived in New Zealand. If you invite a family to ‘tea’ they arrive expecting a full meal, not just a cupper and a digestive biscuit. ‘Supper’ is a nightcap, i.e. a hot chocolate or ‘Milo’ which they drink here; perhaps with a light snack. Frances is at home, preparing for her nursing shift. I enjoy her company and feel the emerging potential of a good friend. We laugh together, sharing an herbal brew and running through the partly completed festival song before she is away.

  So, we have the whole house to ourselves without the fear of Big J. returning. She is out all day at a conference. My Lord Swallow takes charge and lays me down on the rug beside the fireplace. His shirt is off and he removes a layer of clothing from his Lady. With comfortable head cushions, music playing and the warm sunshine streaming into the house he lies above me in all his masculine glory. He is a fine looking man and I place my hand over his Greenstone. We are still for a while, smiling into each other’s happiness——glorious kissing and mature caress snatching the time away all too quickly. I hear about the carefree children on the Forest Adventure, at one with the trees and majesty of the environment. The Forest is near our Mountain. Adrian has slight anxieties that he let the children run too fast and free down the steep tracks, but he doesn’t linger on that for long today.

  We are so in love——beautiful——held——cherished like an innocent child seeking the comfort of a parent. The parent turns and smiles——a snapshot taken——and remembers the moment for a lifetime. Our time over, we pull on shirts and head back to School for the Wednesday rounds of child collection and guitar lessons.

  P.m. Mouse: Oops——Lady of the Castle is in trouble——let the car run out of petrol AGAIN! Whatever can be on her mind to cause such repeated negligence? “Honestly Sire, I can’t think what came over me!” She cries, feeling somewhat foolish and giggly——thoughts of her beautiful, bare-chested Lover filling her mind as she speeds home with the Castle Inmates. “The orange light must be faulty,” she explains. Oh, yes——of course she can remain in control while falling head over heels in love! ——X

  Adrian: Hmm——thought that was my job——to get all dizzy and unreliable. You muscling in on my turf, My Lady? And guess who left their scarf behind when cooking at my house today? Big J. found it and asked if it was yours. I told her we had been practicing the festival song while cooking. “Was Frances here?” She asked. “Yes”. Good luck with her visit to The Mountain today.

  Mouse: Thanks my Darling——oops again. Singing and cooking with Frances all true. Missing scarf, my Lover’s male scent upon my breast, late for school pick-up, running out of petrol——but what the hec——we love each other——X

  * * * * * * *

 
; Adrian: Any chance of a chat? Read ‘Iron John’ this arvo. Dinner received compliments, though was a bit stressful——more stuff around Big J——scarves not so useful for staying in one’s masterful state! Rode bike to School for dog walk and lock up. First harvest from school garden——tender little broccoli——will show children tomorrow. Changed oil in the Toolbox——checked on water, tyres etc. Hung up white screen on deck, now settling down to record tune. Missing you——X

  Mouse: Hi there, oh Lover of mine——would like a chat, but phone still out of action until tomorrow and everyone is about this evening. So glad meal was a success. Sorry about the scarf——must have been a test for withstanding small life-shocks. Good to have Big J. up here——we had time to show her a little of The Castle estate. Thought did cross my mind; did she want to check us out? Or talk to me about our friendship? Or perhaps she was looking us over before Lottie comes to stay tomorrow?

  Car is now home——Laird filled it with diesel——he knows where the special pump is now. I had better learn in case of further swoony afternoons. Feel like giggling in your arms; teasing, rolling, tickling, kissing and——yes, lots of and. Hope the music recording is going well. Loving you, missing you——your naughty little Scarlet Mouse—X

  The senior Inmates are glued to the television this evening; again. I wish The Laird showed more creative spark. If he isn’t physically active he just ‘blobs’, affecting the entire household with lethargy. How I loathe the inert ‘blob’ state. How I long to escape with Lord Swallow——for hours and hours.

  Late p.m. Mouse: Goodnight, My Handsome Prince, your Lady cannot keep her eyes open any longer. I’m looking forward to curling up in your arms now. Maybe later, in the middle of the night, we shall imagine making exquisite love——our fingers and toes tracing dances across each other. I’m there already, my breathing light and fast, your noble brow resting on my breast——lips seeking——limbs caressing——mmm. Sleep well——Yes——X