The Celestial Sea

by Marina de Nadous

  Why is it too private? Why? It is betraying my trust. I confide to you in confidence. I trust you as the keeper of my secrets——you have the key——you can expose me. I trusted you to hold that role. Now you want to share——you are changing the job description and what does that mean about my treasures? Can I still trust you? And to whom now do I turn, to tell about my day——my learning——my worries? I don’t know you any more. You are changing and I have to hold myself in until you settle into something familiar. This is unsettling. I have nowhere to rest my load——my soul-load. I miss you——you have been misty for a long time.

  Reassure me——paint me a picture of how you see it my wife, for my heart is filled with fear——doubts and fears for my future. Do I have to find another? Can you come back to me and to him? You are asking me to trust him. I don’t know him at all——I don’t know his family, his history, his qualities or his character. You have opened our doors to him——how can I trust him? How can I take your word for his worth when I cannot trust you? You do not see my place. I must speak with him but I am terrified that he will be stronger than me——embarrass me.

  Maybe this is a way. My Friend, use your discretion and pass this message on to The Laird if appropriate. “Sir, I respect you. I have felt guilty and scared many times but something in me keeps going. I would like to talk with you, to hear you and to tell you my side. I can take whatever comes——maybe not swords though.”

  I read, and re-read. I deliberate. The Laird and I do not usually keep secrets. Hmm——I need to move this situation on; into the light, as Adrian would say. The picture growing stronger by the day, that of breaking convention to support The Laird’s bachelor lifestyle and vocational work while allowing Adrian and me our homecoming, needs to be voiced. My husband’s busy timetable has increased steadily over the past 7 years, not just since we arrived in New Zealand. I decide, maybe rashly, to show him the whole text. He is reading in bed. I hand over my phone. Gulp——here goes. Now it is out in the open. I need my husband to understand, and Adrian has such insight and intuition. Angels, please hold us today.

  He reads. He is silent. He asks: “What would you think if my lover sent you a text like that?” To which of course there is no answer. Every situation is different; completely unique to those involved. But I hear him. Of course, in everyday reasoning it would be unacceptable. Adrian and I are not about everyday reasoning though and The Laird’s emerging, solo lifestyle is not about a conventional, marriage partnership either. Perhaps I am misguided and imagine The Celestial Hand that guides.

  A.m. Mouse: And so it is done. The Laird has read your long message, all of it. He is reactive and defensive. I am feeling strong and a little rattled. I will keep you posted.

  Adrian: Goodness me——having to deep breathe. You think it was the right thing to show him all? I had thought only the last part. Life-shock——council me now——tell me you know what you are doing——please. Actually, I’m fine——you just caught me after Michele {the grounds woman}, overheard me talking about her unkindly to another member of staff. Oh Boy——still no direct hits. Sure we can cope. Haaaaa——the sound of a long out-breath.

  Mouse: My Darling, I showed The Laird the entire message——thought you meant me to! It was addressed to him from the start. Perhaps it needed to come out now——our possible future paraded in its unconventional attire.

  The day begins with a swim in town for The Laird, followed by guests to lunch. Belinda and her Maori husband are good company. She teaches the same subject as The Laird and lives in Wellington. A bubbly, East End girl, she and The Laird are good friends. He often spends time with her at College Conferences. I produce the meal, a nervous unrest hovering as aftershock from this morning’s revelation. Am I really putting my loyal husband through this agony?

  Early p.m. Mouse: Hope you are all right? Let me know——

  Adrian: All’s well, My Friend. Working Bee quite fun. Just had dinner with folks. Watching a movie.

  * * * * * * *

  Later, Adrian: My Love. A light-hearted movie——escape maybe. Are you awake?

  Even later, Adrian: Goodnight, Dear Friend. I feel strangely disconnected. Why I wonder? Could be denial——could be all the interesting interactions of the day——could be that it is your time to walk with The Laird. I hope I haven’t lost my edge. I had a curious experience today——I elected to dig out the ‘gold-mine’——old farmers’ dump; a big roll of barbed wire, half buried. Broke the rope twice trying to haul it out with a four-wheel-drive. Had to dig it deep——and hard——just like my life.

  Sunday 19th November 2006

  A.m. Adrian: A tousled, sore-bellied Swallow wakes drowsily, entering the stream of earthly life once more. Relief to hear her——feel her again——his friend——to hear her thoughts and forgiveness. Where is the thorn this morning that leads to this feeling of——what is this feeling? Whirling? No——worry? Trouble? Fear? Breathe some more my boy——check your body——backbone——gut——heart——face——jaw——hands. Is there dividedness, avoidance? Have to hurry up because there is so much to do——or else——I’ll let people down——Big J. and Sienna——and that means——I’m a bad colleague——poor teacher——unreliable——untrustworthy——in trouble——unsafe. True? False? Don’t know? Quick process on all this, My Love. Your text has just come through. I love you.

  Mouse: Good morning, My Darling. One sore tum Mouse stretching across to greet her Lover. Wish you were here to massage my womanhood pains away, as you have done so caringly before. I have held The Laird tight and close this morn. I told him that it is going to be all right; that everything is okay. “I know,” he answered. And so the kinder slumber still, The Laird does battle with the eternal gorse, thrashing out his perplexing morning on its tough, withstanding growth. Meanwhile, Lord Swallow does battle with the stubborn barbed wire——‘barbed wire and thunderbolts’. The Lady of the Castle prepares to face the day but not before she imagines holding the man she loves——holding him close and kissing him slowly and gently for a long, long time——X

  Adrian: Am just off to Lisa & Andy’s to get eggs. Let you know when I am back.

  Mouse: Take me with you——can you ask them where I can get strong magnets? Thank-you, My Love. You would be amused by Rinky’s conversation with me just now——involving you and a wife and children——“I think Adrian would like children of his own; a boy and a girl,” she stated boldly. “Well”, I replied, “you had better find him a wife then, hadn’t you?” The Little Lady promptly answered; “Oh no, he will do that himself——he has already chosen——you!” Out of the mouths of babes——X

  P.s you sent me a message by mistake for a ‘Monique’. I didn’t read it——just deleted it.

  Adrian: It’s okay——all cards on the table——nothing to hide between us. Same deal——you know all I do. Thought of her while doing a process and some advice I had for her ref. writing things down in the right order——check up text. I’m certainly feeling clearer and pleased that The Laird is warming. Well done. Lots of love wafting to you. The Irish band practice yesterday was for The Fair, but the guitar player and caller are leaving——The Laird and me? They are keen to start it up as a Caille band playing often. Colin has asked me to come round regularly to learn songs——keen——maybe a place for you my Sweet Colleen——and even your husband as caller——hmm.

  You Marvellous Woman. Somehow, this crazy thing is working out. What a day it was yesterday. I am writing reports this morning with breaks to go dig some more old crap out of the earth——metaphor for where I’m at——uncovering old rusty junk and removing it.

  Mouse: Hi, My Love——boys now up and at their weekend computer allowance. Can’t phone just now but will try later. What are your plans today? I am now a clean Mouse with a more fitting hair arrangement for a Royal Rodent. T’was a bit like a tangled rat earlier. Loving you——running my hands over your beloved face——tracing the outline of your mouth softly with my
fingers——wishing it were with my lips instead——XxXxXxXXXX

  Adrian: Zoom! ——Zing! She has the magic this morning. Somehow——this powerful, power-filled Queen with faith and compassion and Angel words of courage and strength——rousing her men-folk to new heights——challenging old structures——calls for change and growth; a new way. But The Laird faces a painful letting go and taking on responsibility for this new model——stepping out from peer approval into the open on his own two feet, unsupported by others, with possible condemnation. The criticism——the judgement of family——facing the mind-talk of failure to realize the brave new possibility. He senses the freshness——glimpses the glimmer of new lands——but at what cost? What price to pay? To let go of held supports; a leap of faith where he learns to swim anew.

  Good luck to you Laird——this is the time——this is the asking——the offer——yours to take or——what? Struggle against? Battle with? And the other one——what does he face? He from his safe distance listens to the reports from The Front and attends——stays clear——ready to respond——ready to help. He battles his own maelstrom, the weight of responsibilities on him——and the lure. The indulgence of passion——learning integrity——honour. He has had courage. He has dug for compassion and truth. He loves her. He works to learn about commitment——risking loss——opening the heart to more. Little One——where is the razor edge today? The humble, ego-breaking place of standing——in truth. He swallows——often a way in——seeks for the glimmer of Christ——watching his indulgence——laze in the word——dally in drama. His task is time——staying close to his Love, working quietly without reward-—his time to support. Manhood; the good Husband——the good Father——the good Friend. He embraces her once more and enters the day——XxXxXX

  * * * * * * *

  Midday, Mouse: My Love, we are off to Mountain Rd. for a family walk——then on to the hot pools at Ocean Rd. We didn’t quite make it yesterday. Thanks for texts. Love having you close——X

  Adrian: At home with the class. Report writing. One trip out in afternoon for a dig. Would love a visit if comfortable for you. Mmm——my body warms for you——X

  Can I really be this happy? My mind is with Adrian as the family prepares to walk in The Bush. I send him a telepathic message. One day we might learn to communicate this way, his spirit dancing with mine, independent of technology and Earthly moral. ‘Come walk with me, My Love. We are bound together, you and I.

  I love you; totally and completely. Our regular messages link us beyond the usual level——all day——all night. Keep texting me. I never knew this level of friendship was possible.’

  Later, Adrian: How goes the walking? One report off the press. Phew! Jake. Soon off to school to diggy dig. Like to do three reports today. Lots of love. Good luck. Angel dust. X

  We take an unplanned detour off the road on our way to the hot pools. The Laird wants to visit local friends. I notice he often does this. I even remember him swinging me into unexpected social interaction on the way back from hospital with The Minx only a few hours old! He is only happy when he bounces off others. I suppose I should be used to it by now. Our kiwifruit orchard friends; Andrew and Louise are generous people. They are relatively new to the school. Louise is a friendly person and the family is always keen to join school events——and welcome unexpected, ‘Pommy’ visitors. The house is one of the more lavish in the area. Like many homes it is single storied and positioned on a piece of highly prized, flat land. The views of the harbour are perfect. As well as spacious garaging a ‘boy’s fun room’ draws the attention of our lads while a spa pool keeps the girls happy. An avenue of small trees with a scattering of blue and white agapanthus lines the drive. White roses and lavender frame the house. We share a cup of tea on the deck and offer to take their two youngest with us to the hot pools.

  Early p.m. Mouse: Darling Friend, thank-you for lovely message. We have had a glorious walk——astounding trees. Felt you there with me——same Forest as your school trip. Laird in okay mood until he realized we are working in the same class at school——and I think he spied me sending you a message——Oops——cross Laird——bad wife. He has stormed off to do the recycling while we are at the hot pools. Hope he doesn’t crash over to see you. Thought I had better warn you. He will calm down soon, I’m sure. Sorry to throw this at you. Love you. Thank-you for being brave——X

  * * * * * * *

  Later on, Mouse: Coast all clear——sorry. We are back home. Poor Laird is putting himself through the mill this weekend; third shock in three days: “You are both obsessed with each other——infatuated——behaving really badly.” All probably quite true, but what I can’t tell him is what it means to us——how our compatibility and chemistry is 100%——how this is a once in a lifetime match. How can a wife tell her husband that? Because she cares for him she cannot hurt him. She needs to open his eyes gently and slowly to the truth——on all sides——his as well as ours. Angel dust, please fall on him. Love you——X

  What a weekend.

  Monday 20th November 2006

  A.m. Mouse: The day dawns bright——gentle colours wash across the surrounding valleys; light brushing unspoken futures into their lives. An awakening——spilling over the mundane routine of daily toil. And what will today bring? She feels silent——a happy sadness wells up inside her. Love and care tune her fingertips. She sees him lying there, {both the ‘hims’ in her life}, his eyes closed. She blows blessings over him——her lips wet with the dew of unconditional love——X

  Adrian: Deep sleep rousing——slow surfacing——beautiful words come winging. They have the potential to move, but cannot quite penetrate the drowsiness——too many edges. But something new grows in him——he can touch it. There is still fear——and steadiness. He cannot be a boy any more, too much has changed. Now there is a Man. Men still feel afraid——uncertain——but right next to that is a trunk of courage——reminding. Still, mistakes are always possible so no holding on to that.

  Such physical work has driven him into the ground——sensitivities dulled, clogged with earth. Will take a day to clear them. Gentleness will help. A process may awaken. Should he use his time in this way? Could be early and organized in class instead. Hmm——he wants to feel again. It is no choice——he wants to be useful for his Lady——and her husband——clear and present. X

  Mouse: His message is a tonic for her strength. She feels him beside her——yes——this wise man——so strong. She leans on him. She breathes long and slow into him, thanking him. He is her Knight in Shining Armour. She thanks him for the gift of his time for her, for him. Leave some time for planning though she urges——loving him on every level. See you in the classroom——X

  We have an interesting morning. Young Andre refuses to go into class today, not even Big J. can persuade him and she is pretty stern. Eventually he tells Cordelia in Danish that he is feeling unwell. He is certainly out of sorts——ill? Perhaps a little. He sits in my car with me, studying a puzzle and enjoying The Bog-Brush’s company. His mother is not answering her phone. The smell of warm beeswax wafts in through the car windows. Cordelia is in the courtyard again, stirring a large saucepan for Class 4’s candle dipping. Andre’s puzzle is a many-layered beehive; most appropriate. I have several parcels to wrap, which he tackles with enthusiasm, a good chance to develop his fine motor skills. He certainly struggles with the tape and scissors.

  Midday, Adrian: Where are you, My Dear? I am tying on a load of barbed wire. Taking ages. My place in 20?

  Mouse: Am still at School——looking after Andre. In library area. We can’t seem to raise his Ma. Told Big J. I’ll be here till 12 noon. She will take over once her interview is done——X

  Ten minutes later, Mouse: I’m free now——relieved by the trusty Shirley, {the school secretary}. Do you need some help? I can hear bashing. Is that my lovely Man waging war in the undergrowth? —X— {Yes, apparently so. How did I guess?}

  I drive to
Big J’s house where I walk the dogs before sharing a pot of tea with Frances.

  Adrian: Where are you now? I’m home.

  Mouse: Am upstairs in the kitchen with Frances. Shout when you want me—X

  Wrapped up together in the Leafy Glade, we catch up on our busy lives; small windows of hope emerging as we comment on my 7 year-old daughter’s psychic alignment. “Do you know, Rinky came up to me today and held my hand as if she was giving me courage,” Adrian remarks, surprising us again with her intuition. “I hope she won’t spill the beans one day.” After a contented hour we go our separate ways to various afternoon tasks, a sense of waiting between us——a lull, but a peaceful lull despite all odds.

  Early p.m. Mouse: How was guitar? Oh hunky, yummy Friend. You look particularly fab in your blue jumper——could have eaten you on the spot. You turn your Lady inside out. How was your trip to the Transfer Station? Hopefully barbed wire and thunderbolts deftly despatched. Urgent Angel tactics! Yes, a good chapter title, or a piece of prose perhaps. Better make a few notes before the essence departs and reports take over. Just sent a gentle, soft message to The Laird——a friendly phone call followed. Wonder what he is thinking? He will be over your way at a school board meeting from 7 p.m. onwards. Let’s keep loving him and picturing the Golden Warrior on his journey. Loving you. Thanking you. Holding you——X

  Adrian: Hello Mouse. You must be home alone——relatively. Nice text. Nice afternoon catch-up——mmm——pleasant glow. Just calling my Mum. Love you X

  Mouse: Hello Adrian, special friend to Mouse. Yes, I am indeed home, sort of alone. Can’t get eldest Inmate off the main computer and desk though. Would love a goodnight whisper if I can budge him——subtly of course. Perhaps I should get a hands-free set for my mobile? Can we call as well as text for the same price? Then we could pillow talk each other to sleep when circumstances allow. Good phone call to your Ma? I am blowing love breaths down the back of your shirt——X