What if I made a mistake? What if I messed him or her up because of that?
“The timing sucks, yeah. And neither of us is in a place for kids, but…” A glimmer of a smile touched his lips.
That smile that settled it for me once and for all.
If Gavin wanted this baby—our baby—he could have it.
Unfortunately, in that moment, the baby and I were not a package deal.
Chapter 19
Gavin
“To the women in our lives who fuck with our hearts but make them better at the same time.” Max lifted his cup into the air, then took a long sip of his beer. His eyes were already glassy, but I knew that had nothing to do with the fact that he was drinking. The guy was in a hell of a lotta pain—the heart-aching kind.
Collin and I were sitting across from him at O’Paddy’s, trying to help him through the shittiest time of his life. Lia had moved to Springfield, and he’d just gotten home from dropping her off. Seeing him like this, so torn up inside, left me questioning my own thoughts more than ever: Is the pain of being in love worth it?
I’d been back to work for almost three weeks now, and as much as I wanted to be fucking ecstatic about it, I wasn’t. Instead, I was a mess, constantly worried about Kenna. Contemplating the offer she’d put on the table before we left my house that night.
She’d let me keep the baby.
And in the end, she would likely walk away.
On our way home that night, we had barely spoken a word—other than me telling her that this wasn’t over before she got out of the car. That we had months to figure things out. She’d smiled sadly at me, grabbed her dishes, and told me she’d call me soon.
That was twenty-two days ago. Twenty-one days without a phone call. Twenty-one days of her avoiding me. And it fucking sucked.
“It’s not forever, Max.” Collin rubbed his hand over his chin. “Don’t play it off like it is. Lia’d kill you if she knew you were here feeling sorry for yourself.”
The fact that Collin had accepted his sister and Max’s relationship wasn’t surprising, even though he’d not been happy about finding them in bed together. Max might have been the biggest playboy to ever hit Carinthia, but he was also a good person who’d do anything for the people he loved. And it was more than obvious that he loved Lia Montgomery.
“No. Not forever. I wouldn’t let that happen. And I get why she had to do it. That’s not the problem.” Max sighed. “I just didn’t expect for it to hurt this bad.”
I leaned forward on my elbows, hating that I couldn’t fully be there for him when my mind was spinning with its own shit storm. Still, I had to say something. “You’re going to visit her next weekend, right?” He nodded. “And when you can’t make it home to her, she can come back here?” He nodded again, shoulders slumping.
I leaned back in my seat, unable to sit still. I was antsier than usual, my skin crawling. O’Paddy’s was packed for a Sunday night, not to mention loud as fuck. Any other night, I would’ve gone home, but I had to get over my shit and stick it out. For Max. “Like Collin said, it’s not forever.”
“But it’s still fucking torture.” He groaned, then took another drink.
“She needs this to prove to herself that she’s over all that shit that happened to her in college. That she can handle herself.” Collin jammed his finger in the air at Max. “So don’t be the type of ass that holds her down.”
Lia had been attacked at a frat party in college, the night before we were to be shipped off to boot camp. Of all the people to find her, it’d been Max, and none of us had ever—would ever—be able to forget that time in our lives.
“I know that better than either of you guys.” Max’s lip curled in annoyance. “And that’s not me, and you know it, Colly.” He scrubbed his fists against his temples. “All I’m saying is it hurts.”
“Like someone ripped your heart out?” I frowned, stirring the ice in my water.
“No, it’s worse. More like someone beat me upside the head with a fucking mallet, then dumped my heart in a pile of lava while it was still attached to my body.”
I grinned, trying not to laugh at the analogy. When Max felt something, he felt it hard.
Collin didn’t fight his reaction like I did. “You”—he slapped the table with his palm and leaned back, hooting toward the light—“are a big, fucking baby.”
“Fuck you all.” Maxwell stood, ready to move, but Collin grabbed his wrist.
“Whoa, whoa. Calm down.” Collin laughed, earning another glare from Max. “Sorry. It’s just weird seeing you torn up like this.” He sobered and shook his head. “And to know it’s over my little sister makes it even weirder. But we’re here for you.” Collin looked at me.
I nodded. “He’s right. You’re a whole lotta messed up right now, Max. And honestly, it’s pretty fucking cool to see you so…so in love and shit. We’re just not used to it, is all.”
I cleared my throat as both of my best friends shot their gazes in my direction.
“What?” I frowned down at the table, not liking the sudden attention.
It’s true. Most of the time I sat back and took shit in, rarely saying what was on my mind. But things had changed for me over the course of the last few months. More so in the last few weeks.
Clearing my throat again, I continued. “You and Lia have been into each other for years. It’s just taken you a while to both finally realize it.”
“Wow.” Max’s grin was slow, knowing, and pretty damn frustrating. “You sure you’re not referring to yourself there, Gav?” Like always, he’d flipped his sob story off himself and onto me. I knew it was his way of diverting the bad shit, but I wasn’t in the mood.
“The hell’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“I didn’t realize it before. But I do now.” Collin leaned back in his seat and grinned. “You’re the reason Kenna’s been coming over more.”
“Again, what the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“First, I thought nothing of it, until two nights ago when I found McKenna cuddled on my couch with Beaner reading books.”
I rubbed my sweaty hands on my shorts, eyes narrowed in confusion.
“The woman was crying and emotional. Said it was the book’s fault.”
Damn her. If Kenna wasn’t so stubborn, this could all be different. She and I could be happy, together, we could even raise the baby together. I mean, we didn’t have to get married. We could just…co-parent while exploring where this thing went between us.
“She good now?” I asked, voice cracking.
Collin smirked. “Just about as good as any pregnant woman can be.”
I lowered my face to my hands and groaned. “Shit.” He knew.
“Pregnant?” Max screeched like a damn owl, then slapped the table. I lifted my head to glare at him. “You got her pregnant? Stuck a bat in her cave? Joined the pudding club?”
“Shut the fu—”
“Sure did.” Collin set his elbows on the table, smirking. “Then he blew her off.”
“I…what?” I blinked, trying to process what Collin had just said.
“Now that’s low for you, Gavvy.” Max shook his head.
“I thought so too.” Collin frowned at me.
“That’s not true. She’s…” I leaned back, arms over my chest. The room spun as I gritted my teeth. The ache of my nails digging into my palms didn’t help. “She told me I could keep it. Raise the baby on my own. That she didn’t think she was ready to be a mom yet.” Why was she twisting this all around?
The table grew quiet. Neither of my buddies was ever known to just shut up. Which is how I knew I’d shocked them.
Collin was the first to speak. “You wanna know what I think?”
“What?” I frowned.
“I think she loves you. Or she’s falling for you, at least. She�
��s just been burned in the past.”
I froze, hand tight around my water glass.
Collin continued. “I also think you’d do anything to have a family, unlike her. She obviously knows this and cares about you enough that she’d be willing to give up on her own happiness just to make you happy.”
I shut my eyes and sucked in a breath. How the fuck had I not seen that before?
“For the record.” Max was suddenly at my side, his hand on my shoulder. “You’d make one hell of a good father.”
But without the love of a woman by my side, how could I truly be a good father?
Chapter 20
McKenna
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been home early from work. Maybe when I first started out as a nurse? Either way, I was exhausted—beyond belief—and in no way ready to deal with my new roommate: my little sister.
My apartment door clicked shut behind me. I kicked off my shoes, moaning in relief as I stretched out my feet. After setting my keys on the counter in the kitchen, I made my way into the living room, finding her on my sofa. I could almost bet she’d been there all day.
“Hey. Got off a little early tonight. Thought maybe you’d want to go grab some pizza or something.”
“No thank you. I’m not hungry.”
Even with my new aversion to all things greasy, I’d do anything to get Hanna out of my house for at least an hour. But the fact that she wasn’t in the mood for her favorite food? It left me feeling as helpless as ever.
I sat down on the couch and lifted her feet onto my thighs. She winced but managed a smile, still in loads of pain from her broken ribs. She’d already been here a few weeks, yet she looked no better than the day I’d picked her up at the airport—the day after Gavin’s and my night together at the cabin. The bruises on her face were fading from black and blue to yellow, but she was far from healed. Inside or out.
“You feeling okay today?” I asked.
“I’m fine.” She smiled shyly, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Hanna was incredibly sweet. The word kind should have been her middle name. It’s one of the reasons why I loved her dearly. Yet at the same time, I knew how weak she was, how skittish she’d become too. I blamed it not only on her stupid, abusive ex, but also on my mother for not seeing the signs.
“Have you heard from him?” I asked, praying she wasn’t stupid enough to try to get in contact with the guy.
She shook her head and stared down at the book she was reading. “No. Since Mom took my phone before I got on the plane, he doesn’t know where I am.”
“Okay. I’ll run and get you a new phone tomorrow and put you on my plan.”
“Thanks.” She met my gaze but quickly looked away, as though holding eye contact with me would land her in the hospital again.
I knew she was safe here, away from the trouble she’d face at home. But I was still worried about her. Her first and only boyfriend had been messing with her head for a long while before he started messing with her body. Nobody had known, not even her father or my mother, and especially not me. My guilt over not keeping in touch with her over the past year had doubled. So when my mother asked me to let Hanna stay with me for a month or so, until things calmed down at home, I had no choice but to agree.
The timing couldn’t have been worse. But at least having her there distracted me from my own problems for a little while.
“Have you eaten anything today?” I asked.
She shook her head.
I sighed, feet aching as I stood. “I’ll make us some sandwiches.”
A nod—that’s all I got.
Defeat accompanied exhaustion as I stood and headed toward the kitchen. My shoulders sagged with the weight of the evening, and my heart was in my throat with the thought of my sister so broken.
It was odd to make food for another person when most of my life I’d done stuff on my own—for myself. Which was another reason the thought of keeping this baby freaked me out. No doubt I could do it if I had to. Be a mom, care and love for something. Yet the thought of not being any good at it was the main reason I didn’t want to commit to being a mother.
But Gavin was a good man. And though he might have been a little broken and inexperienced when it came to kids, I had no doubt that he’d be an excellent father.
I handed Hanna her PB&J, then sat down on the couch. She managed to sit up, her breathing labored as she moved. I didn’t offer to help her, not when she’d inevitably push me away. From what I’d relearned about my sister, she was as stubborn as she was closed off. Still, she never complained about the pain. Never did she mention needing anything to help with it. But I managed to give it to her in my own way, silently placing her pain medication on her plate as I’d just done.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as she lifted the pills to her lips and drank them down with a glass of milk. The more she ate and drank, the more alive she became. I stared down at her wrists, then her arms, followed by her legs. She was tinier than I remembered, almost malnourished. Brittle, even. All I wanted to do was make her happy and care for her. Give life to her lifeless eyes, her lifeless way of living most of all.
“Will you be up to getting out this weekend?” I asked, hopeful she’d say yes. If she didn’t, there’s no way I’d go where Addie had begged me to. A rugby game, the first seven-on-seven tournament of the season. I wasn’t a huge fan of the sport, but I might have had another reason for wanting to attend. Gavin, to be more precise.
I knew I was being stupid in avoiding him. We did need to talk—a lot, actually. He could also meet my sister. I knew I shouldn’t use her as an excuse for why I hadn’t called him, but I’d never claimed to be a good girl.
“Maybe.”
That wasn’t a no. I’d take it.
“Okay. It’s just to a rugby game, nothing big.”
She looked at me in surprise. “You like rugby?”
I shrugged and took a bite of my sandwich. “I like rugby players.”
A grin took over her lips, a hint of the old sister coming through. At fifteen, she’d been more boy crazy than I was at eighteen.
“Plus, I want you to meet Addie.” And Gavin too, but that wasn’t going to be mentioned outright until I could tell her exactly why. She talked to my mother almost every day. I could hear her in the bathroom or outside on my deck. The lady had Hanna under her lock and key, even all these states away. For the first time in my life, I was thankful the woman had sent me away, because if she hadn’t, I could’ve been in Hanna’s shoes.
“Okay. I’ll go.”
My eyes widened. “Really?”
She nodded, never lifting her gaze from her plate. Dark-brown hair covered her face and hung down to the middle of her back. It was thin and straight and always combed, something I expected had been ingrained in her from a young age.
“We can go shopping Friday afternoon. I have a four-day weekend. You don’t have any shorts, and it’s supposed to be really hot on Saturday.”
“I don’t wear shorts.”
I frowned. “Why not?”
“My legs…” She cleared her throat. “They’re too skinny. Mom told me I looked better with pants.”
“That bitch,” I grumbled, leaning back on the couch.
“She was just—”
“Hey.” I touched her arm, lightly so as not to scare her. “I think you have great legs. And if you want to wear shorts, you should totally do it.” I’d buy her shorts and a tank, maybe even some dresses. If she didn’t want to wear them now, so be it, but I wasn’t about to let my mother tear her down.
“Thanks, Kenna,” she whispered, and I’m pretty sure she was crying when she said it. But I didn’t call her out on it. Instead, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and hugged her close, thankful she didn’t flinch like she usually did.
We relaxed against the couch a while later, belli
es full of comfort food as a black-and-white Western played in the background.
This was the family I’d never had growing up, and there was no way I’d let it go now.
* * *
Gavin
I scooped up Chloe and pulled her onto my lap, willing her to stop crying. She’d fallen, gotten carpet burn from what I could tell, and other than putting a Band-Aid on the barely there mark, I was struggling to find ways to calm her.
She was almost sixteen months, and bouncing her in my arms didn’t work anymore. Walking the carpet with her wasn’t an option either, when she’d just cry and squirm to get down. I knew I was screwed when not even her favorite bunny on the TV could do the job.
Addie had gone to get her hair cut. Collin was out getting groceries. And Max was taking a nap—too many drinks out the night before. And because I felt bad about not babysitting more lately, I’d agreed to do it, thanking God it was only for a half hour.
“Hey, Beaner, it’s okay. You’re okay.” I rubbed her back and her boo-boo, then cringed when she cried louder. “Don’t cry, baby girl, please.” I stood with her and walked us to the kitchen. In the back of the freezer was the leftover ice cream from when McKenna was here.
Not thinking twice, I pulled it out and yanked off the cover. There was a layer of ice on top—no doubt the shit was freezer burned—but one look at it and Chloe stopped crying, already reaching for it.
“This make you feel better?”
She bounced up and down in my arms, still hiccupping from her sobs. Regardless of the tears on her face, she waved her little arms excitedly in the air at the misshapen carton.
I chuckled, hitching her up higher on my waist. “You are some… Shit.”
She stuck her casted arm into the tub before I could stop her. Her big, blue eyes wide, she looked at me while bringing a thumb full of the old, coffee-flavored stuff to her mouth.
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