I don’t know what I want.
I want Hattie, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay true to her. Harmony is right. Hattie’ll never understand that I need other women. I don’t ever want to hurt her, and I think that would hurt her, watching me fuck another woman. I know it would kill me to see another man fuck her. I could never share her with a man—ever.
She’s mine.
I pull the paper towel from the holder and blot under my eyes, hoping that I don’t look like I’ve been crying my eyes out, which of course I have. I look to my right when a figure appears next to me. It’s the waitress, the big breasted waitress that Johnny’s fucked, who just offered her services to the both of us. Of course she wanted Johnny to fuck her while she so graciously ate me out. Gross. I wouldn’t want this girl’s mouth anywhere near me.
“My guess? He’s made you feel like you’re special and you’re suddenly realizing that you aren’t so special, am I right?” she asks as she leans her ass against the sink.
I refuse to answer her—not because she’s correct, but because she’s a bitch.
“He’ll never commit. Not fully. So he fucks only you for a while. Then he’ll want to bring in another woman. You’ll oblige because you’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy. Then, he’s fucking whores and girls at parties, strippers from their club, all while you’re at home keeping his bed warm until he decides to grace you with his presence again. You’ll get fed up and threaten to leave him. But where will you go? Then, when he thinks you’re leaving him, he’ll knock you up and you’re stuck for life while he does whatever he wants to,” she explains. It all hits far too close to home for comfort.
“I was raised in this town, honey. I’ve seen how these men go through women; then when they finally get a good one, I’ve watched how they trap them into being their Old Lady. Dirty Johnny is no different, and neither are you. Take some friendly advice, girl-to-girl. Leave, go, run. Find yourself a nice boy your own age and live in your little white house with your little white picket fence. Leave the rough men for girls like me,” she grins. Then, without another word, she leaves me in the bathroom.
The waitress may have left, but she didn’t take her words with her. No. Those words took root and they are now imbedded in my head.
She is right, about all of it. I know that Johnny likes multiple partners, and he’s already mentioned me having his baby, and today he wants to look for a place for us, but he made it clear he wouldn’t be there every night.
A few hours ago, after discovering his childhood, I was willing to do so much for him, to make him happy. Now, I’m not so sure. If I do what he wants to keep him and to keep him happy, how much of myself will I lose?
Slowly, I make my way back to our table and notice that he’s watching me, carefully and cautiously—like someone would watch a scared animal approach. I smile as I sit down and glance down at the burger and fries. I take the ketchup and shake some out of the bottle onto the plate, dipping a fry in it before I take a bite.
“You okay, princess? You were in there a while,” he murmurs.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I whisper before I take a bite of my burger.
Johnny and I eat in silence. I prefer it.
I’m spiraling—my life is spiraling.
Willa called it—I can’t handle him.
The waitress called it, as well—I can’t handle what he wants.
Andy knows me better than anybody and he saw this a mile away. I lost my job over this relationship, this two-week-long relationship. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I was hoping. I was hoping that three years of fantasies would turn into a gorgeous reality.
I need to go. But I have nowhere to go.
I have about two weeks at my apartment, no car, and no plan. I could swallow my pride and go back to Andy, or go home, but I don’t want to. I want Johnny to be the man my dreams made him out to be. I’m beyond disappointed that he isn’t. I don’t know what to do, because when we’re alone together, when he’s inside of me, its heaven. But right now, I’m scared of what the future will bring—terrified, actually.
“Let’s go and look at a couple places. I got Kentlee to set up some appointments with the agent she uses,” he announces as soon as we’re finished eating.
“Okay,” I agree as I stand.
Johnny throws some money on the table before he slides his warm palm across the bare skin of my back and wraps it around the side of my waist.
Once we’re in the car and driving toward our next destination, I turn to face him.
“If, if you want another woman, I don’t know if I could do that,” I finally say.
Johnny’s head whips around to look at me. Without saying a word, he pulls over on the side of the road and throws his car into park. I hold my breath as he unbuckles my seatbelt and then pulls me into his lap. He’s rough, and I can’t help the yelp that escapes once I’m firmly planted across his legs. His hand wraps around the side of my neck and his chocolate eyes look directly into mine. They look pained, and it makes my heart race and ache all at the same time.
“You heard her,” he announces. It isn’t a question, it’s a statement.
“I did, but she also caught me in the bathroom,” I admit.
“Hattie,” he sighs as he closes his eyes. When he reopens them, he focuses on me. “I won’t lie to you, not about this, not about anything if I can help it. I want to say that you’re the only one I want, that I will never be with another woman as long as you’re at my side. I want to say all those things.”
“But you can’t?” I guess.
“I can’t. I’ve never been in a relationship as an adult, Hattie. I’ve only fucked; and more often than not, I’ve fucked with more than one person in my bed. Usually two women, sometimes a woman and another brother. I like it, I can’t explain why, but I do,” he shrugs unapologetically.
“That—I can’t do that,” I say as my eyes well up with tears.
“I don’t need it yet; and frankly, I don’t want it right now. Today, I only want you,” he says. It sounds like a plea.
“I can’t live a life where I’m waiting for you to leave me so you can have what you want. I also can’t live constantly wondering who you’re having sex with while I’m at home alone. I’m sorry, Johnny,” I say as tears fall from my eyes.
“Yeah, okay, princess,” he murmurs as he places a gentle kiss on my lips. My last kiss. I know it. The finality is thick in the car. I hate it.
“That’s it, isn’t it?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“What the fuck am I supposed to say? Huh?” he growls.
“All this talk about being my man, and you’re fine with just ending things like this?” I ask.
I’m dumbfounded but not completely shocked, not after learning that his bed play isn’t just for fun, it’s part of him.
“It’ll never work. I want things and I can’t just turn that part of me off.”
Quietly, I climb back into the passenger seat and Johnny drives me back to the clubhouse. He instructs me to stay inside. A few seconds later, he’s back with my bag. I hold my shit together, surprisingly, as we drive the hour back to Sagle.
The taste of my fantasy come to life was everything I imagined it to be. Johnny was rough and rugged, yet gentle when I needed him to be. He accepted me and loved my body for what it is. He taught me more about myself in the short time we were together than I have discovered on my own in nineteen years.
“I don’t want you to get out of the car,” he mutters as we pull into my apartment parking lot.
“I don’t want to either,” I confess.
“Then don’t,” he practically shouts.
“We will turn ugly and nasty. You’ll be unhappy that I won’t be what you need me to be,” I sigh.
“I know,” he admits.
I turn and cup his cheeks in my hands, feeling his stubble. I’m going to miss everything about him. From his rough strong features, to his cigarettes, to his lean body, and the way one look
from him makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the entire planet.
“I fantasized about you for three years. Everything with you was better than I could have ever imagined,” I whisper before I lean forward and capture his lips with mine.
I don’t open for him or take it deeper. I wrap my hand around the handle of my duffle and I open the car door. I walk away, without looking back. If I look back, I’ll cave. I’ll run to him and beg him to take me back to his clubhouse and fuck me until I expire.
He wanted me to be his and I am. But he can’t give me all of him. Until he can, I won’t lose myself for bits and pieces of the Johnny he allows me to have.
Hattie’s words ring in my head over and over again while I drive back to Bonners Ferry.
I fantasized about you for three years. Everything with you was better than I could have ever imagined.
I fantasized about her, too. Always. She was better than I imagined as well. Everything about her was better than I could have dreamed up myself. Yet in the end, I can’t promise her complete monogamy.
I fucked us up before we even started with my stupid, fucking, fucked up childhood. I wanted her and I told her she was mine. I thought it in my head, but she isn’t mine. Or maybe she is, but I’m not hers. I’m too fucked up to have her.
I drive straight to the clubhouse and walk directly to the bar. I tell the prospect to hand me the bottle and don’t bother with a chaser or with a glass. We have church in an hour, but this bottle of jack won’t last long. I take a huge gulp and hiss as it burns my throat on its way down.
“Problem?” Sniper asks, taking a seat next to me.
“Just that I’m a fuck up.”
“Aren’t we all?” he chuckles.
“You got your woman and kids, don’t see how you’re a fuck up,” I grumble.
“Man, do you even remember the shit we went through? The shit I put Brent through?” he asks.
“Hattie’s young,” I announce on a slur. “She doesn’t understand that sometimes I need to add someone to my bed. It’s not a want, I’m not being a fucking asshole, it’s a goddamn need.”
“You think it’s a need,” he states. I look at him with wide eyes. “I thought I had that need too, man. I didn’t. Brent is more than enough for me. She handles my shit, even the fucked up stuff.”
“I need it, Sniper,” I say adamantly.
“Then you can’t have her; and honestly, you don’t deserve her. An hour in her presence and I can tell the kind of woman she is. Sure she’s young, real fuckin’ young, but I think she’s loyal. The way she looks at you, like you hang the fuckin’ moon? Brother, it’s something men like us don’t usually find in a good girl,” he says, shaking his head.
He’s right. Hattie is a good girl. She’s still a girl, but she’ll just keep growing into an incredible woman without a doubt. I want to keep her. I swore I wouldn’t let her go, and the first sign of possible trouble, I didn’t just let her go, I drove her home.
Fuck.
“I’m a fuckup,” I announce.
“No shit. But now you’re a fuckup who needs to be in church with the rest of us fuckups,” he smirks.
I follow him into church and I take my seat, noticing the extremely full room. This is an important meeting, and my head isn’t in the right space for it.
Fuck.
Total fuckup.
I look over at my normal seat and notice that it’s being taken by MadDog. I don’t even attempt to ask him to move. Instead, I lean against the wall and I drink. If I need to vote on something, I will. But right now, all I can think about is the fact that I let the only woman I’ve ever craved walk away from me.
“All right, we’re here for a reason, and that reason is that the Bastards are back,” Fury announces.
We all stare stoically at him, waiting for the information he’s sure to give us; wondering if this means more war, more bloodshed, and more fear for the men with families.
“They’re lyin’ low for the most part, but they’ve already reached out to the Ruskie’s. My contact, Kirill, called me a couple of days ago and informed me that the Bastards had been in contact with him. They want to edge us out. They offered their services. Warned them that if they didn’t accept, then The Cartel would be back. Apparently, we didn’t take out enough of them. They still think they can get in and fuck us over,” MadDog explains.
“What’d the Russian’s have to say about that?” Fury asks, arching a brow.
“They’re solid. They’re happy with our labor and they ain’t goin’ anywhere. We provide them a multi- service of drugs and guns, nationwide. No way in fuck are they going to rock the boat on that,” MadDog says.
“How do we know that for sure?” Buck asks from somewhere in the room.
“Because they’re loyal and they don’t fuck over family,” Fury growls.
“Don’t bullshit me. They don’t owe us anything, especially loyalty. We do a job for them and they pay us. They could go somewhere else, and there’s nothin’ we could do about it,” Drifter, our VP, grunts.
“They could go elsewhere, but they won’t,” Sniper murmurs. “Family or not, they won’t fuck us over, not if it has anything to do with The Cartel. They hate them as much as we do, and no way in fuck do they want them coming back and trying to gain strength on the west coast again.”
“Snipe has a point. The Cartel fucked with them for years. They still haven’t been able to find even a quarter of their girls that The Cartel bought and sold. They wouldn’t help those assholes, no fuckin’ way. The Bastards are nothing but a nuisance to them,” Fury explains. I cringe thinking about all of the Russian girls that were bought and sold into sexual slavery. It makes me sick to even think about.
“They’re gonna get tired of waiting,” MadDog murmurs.
“When they try and strike, we stop them. Put all the clubs on alert. Who knows where they’ll try first. We’re just going to have to stay vigilant. When we do runs for the Russian’s, we need more than two guys going at a time. We also need more eyes on the women and children until the threat is eliminated,” Fury suggests. He’s not really suggesting, he’s ordering, but in a way where nobody can argue his point—he’s fuckin’ crazy smart when it comes to leading his men.
“Lockdown?” Vault asks.
“Not yet. No need to hole us all up in here when we don’t even know if there’s a credible threat or not,” Fury says. We all nod.
Then he tells us that between Sniper, Drifter, Torch and him, they’ll come up with new schedules for everyone, including guard duty for the Old Lady’s and kids. There’s no timeframe on when it’ll end; it’s semi-permanent at this point. I could give a fuck. They tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Right now, all I want to do is drink and maybe get my dick sucked before I pass out.
“Dirty, do we need to get someone on rotation to Sagle for your woman?” Fury asks as guys start filing out of the room.
“Nope,” I state.
“You bringing her here, then?” he asks as he knits his brows together.
“Not my woman anymore, brother,” I announce before I leave.
I don’t give him a chance to ask me any questions. I have a mission: drink, blowjob, pass out. In that order. Tomorrow—I’ll worry about that when it gets here. For now, I’m going to enjoy my night.
I wake up hours, maybe even days later. Serina is naked next to me, and I shove her off the bed as I stand.
“What the hell?” she mumbles.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I roar in her face.
“Calm down, limp dick, nothing happened,” she snorts as she stands and puts her skimpy shorts on.
“What?” I ask, rubbing my hand over my face.
“You drank too much, couldn’t get it up. I told you I’d stay until morning, then we could play.” She grins as she cups her tits and looks at me expectantly.
I watch her for a minute, feeling absolutely nothing. I don’t want her, and my cock doesn’t want her, either. I tell her
to leave and I lie back down in bed, closing my eyes and thinking about Hattie. Her long, light brown hair, her sweet angelic baby face, and her small tits.
I miss her.
I want her.
I need her.
I don’t know why I do, I just do. She was made for me, meant to be only mine. Now she’s gone. I can’t even get pissed at her about leaving, either. It’s my fault. I let her walk out the door. Fuck. I drove her home and dropped her off.
She wants more of me then I can give her. I’d break her in a way that I don’t think she could ever be repaired if I pushed it. So I let her go; against everything inside of me, I let her go.
It’s been a week.
The longest week of my life, I think.
I haven’t seen or heard from Johnny, and I have no bites on the resumes I’ve littered the town and internet with, with the exception of the local bar downtown. I have one more week before my stressful situation turns dire.
If I don’t find work by then, I’ll have to crawl back home and beg my parents to let me move back in. Of course this will come with a gigantic I told you so speech, and I’ll most likely have to enroll in some kind of schooling, maybe even apply to a university somewhere. If I have to do that, I’m picking somewhere on the east coast, away from them and away from Johnny.
I miss him, though—more than I thought possible, considering we weren’t together for very long. He worked his way inside of me, in my heart, my mind, and definitely my body. I ache for him.
It’s been a week, and I can’t get him out of my head.
I can’t stop from crying at night, wishing he was at my side, knowing that if we were together he may not be there anyway. I did what I knew was right for me, what was best for me, even though it hurts like hell.
I walk down the street to the diner in town, where Andy asked me to meet him. I wouldn’t have even thought about meeting him, except I’m hungry. My cupboards are becoming pretty damn bare at the moment, with no hope of them being refilled anytime soon.
Rough & Rugged (Notorious Devils Book 3) Page 12