Fake (A Pretty Pill)

by Criss Copp

  We’re in my room at the moment and I’m making my bed while she’s vacuuming the vertical blinds.

  I bend over to tuck one of the sides in and the next thing I know is I’ve got a vacuum stuck to my ass. It makes me jerk forward. A little more to the left and she would’ve been sucking between the cheeks with that thing (if you know what I mean).

  “Fuck.” I cry out.

  She’s giggling.

  “Oh, you’ve asked for it.” I warn.

  She’s really laughing now; she’s bent at the waist and laughing down at the floor with the vacuum still in hand. I go to grab her, intent on tickling her and she whips that vacuum up quickly and begins sucking my shirt into it.

  “Get that thing off me.” I laugh, pulling my shirt back out of the damn nozzle. She’s absolutely cackling now. I can hear her throat making that wet clucking noise you get when you are out-of-control laughing.

  I’m chuckling myself, but I’m intent on getting to her. So, I make my move by pushing the offending tube out of the way and then grabbing her by the waist and trying to tickle her along her ribs. She squirms a bit, but when my hands slip to her stomach she manages to inform me she’s not ticklish on the stomach. So I knock the vacuum wand out of her hand and pick her up. I then turn and tackle her onto my bed on her back, where I proceed to tickle torture her till she’s screaming with laughter.

  “EXCUSE ME.” Ethan screams over the din we’re making. The vacuum continues to rumble behind us.

  I’m horrified. We were only having a bit of fun; but we weren’t being very careful, damn. I stop and look up; both Isi and I have stopped dead still.

  He’s absolutely seething. His face is red.

  “What’s going on here?” he shouts.

  I look back down at Isi. From where I’m situated prostrate over her, between her legs and with her hands on my forearms; it could be construed as, well, it kind of looks like we were getting busy. But anyone walking in would’ve heard the laughter and the frantic shouts for release. Oh shit, maybe it looks like I was intent on assaulting her. She was battling me back, fuck.

  “Nothing. She vacuumed my ass so I was tickle torturing her.” I explain. I mean the vacuum is still on behind me for God’s sake.

  A couple of security guards have just rocked up. He’s pressed a duress alarm.

  Isi twists her head to look. For some reason, our bodies are still in the same position.

  “Guys, guys. It’s seriously nothing. We’re friends and we were just monkeying around.” she explains.

  “That’s not what it looks like from here. He looks like he was trying to rape you.” Ethan replies snidely.

  Shit… rape? What the fuck? No way, and if that’s so why hasn’t he come in and tried to get me off? I’d understand if he truly thought that and then clocked me one over the skull; I’d do it if I was in his place. But he obviously doesn’t think that at all and the whole situation makes me so angry, I want to jump across the bed and lay him out.

  “Well, despite what it looks like to you, it is exactly what it is, mucking around.” I respond caustically.

  We still haven’t moved and neither have they. The vacuum continues its droning noise behind us and I wonder if the security guys think the same as Ethan, and if they’ll back up his claims. It makes me sick and now I just can’t move properly at all. I’m momentarily frozen to the spot, frozen in fear that I’ll be formally accused of attempting to rape my friend.

  “Pete, go and get Dr Jensen.” Ethan demands.

  And now I go to move. I want to reason with them, but Isi grabs my arm. I look at her to see her shaking her head slightly, her eyes are wild.

  “Don’t fucking move.” Ethan shouts.

  “What?” I ask, looking back up at him.

  “We’ll see what the doctor has to say.” he explains.

  Fuck, the only thing I can be glad about in this moment is that I have told the doctor for the last two weeks that I’ve made a close friend, a close female friend. But I had always refused to tell her who. Maybe, just maybe she’ll believe us.

  “This is fucking stupid.” I growl.

  He just gives me a look that demands supernatural intervention. I can see his immense disapproval and seething anger bubbling underneath his carefully constructed façade.

  I look back to Isi.

  She’s fearful, but she’s calm.

  “I’m so sorry.” I say.

  “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have vacuumed your ass.” she says, and despite the predicament she begins to chuckle.

  “Don’t you dare start to laugh.” I warn.

  “Did I nearly get your poop hole?” she spurts forth a laugh into my face.

  “How old are you?” I chuckle.

  “Right now I’m channeling a ten year old boy.” She giggles.

  “Hence the poop joke.” I laugh.

  I know Ethan is saying something to us, but we’re out of reach of him at the moment, with the vacuum still droning on and both of being stuck in that bubble she’s told me about. I like it in here with her. We can pretend that the outside world just bounces off, leaving us to talk and laugh by ourselves.

  She’s giggling about the way I jerked forward when she vacuum sucked my ass, and I’m threatening to drop a luegy on her face if she doesn’t shut the fuck up, when I see the wizened hand on the bedspread.

  I look up slowly to see Dr. Jensen’s slightly disappointed look. I peripherally notice Isi move her head underneath me to look at her also.

  “Your very dear friend happens to be a member of staff. That’s why you wouldn’t tell me who she was.” She sighs.

  I nod.

  “From here it looks like he was forcing himself on her.” Ethan spits.

  Dr. Jensen sits down on the edge of the bed and sighs.

  “Can I move now?” I ask.

  “Of course.” she says looking at me quizzically.

  “Ethan told us we had to stay the way he found us.” I reason.

  She gives him a look.

  “I wanted you to see what I came upon.” He grumbles.

  “Was the door open?” she asks.

  Both Isi and I say yes immediately; as she sits up and I sit next to her; we both turn to face Dr. Jensen. Ethan takes his time to reply, but he says yes eventually.

  “Well at least that’s something.” she says.

  “This is highly unprofessional at the very least.” Ethan starts a new tactic. He’s now focusing his fight on Isi.

  Dr. Jensen begins to rub her temples.

  “Shit, I’m so sorry. It’s not Isi’s fault. She kept telling me she’d get into trouble if I hung around her, but I just ignored her. I mean I really like her, I wanted to hang with her. You know what I’m like when it comes to friends Dr. Jensen.” I argue.

  “Are you two engaged in a sexual relationship?” she asks.

  “No.” we both say.

  She raises her eyebrows, but she nods.

  Ethan feels the need to offer up his beliefs on mine and Isi’s situation, regardless of whether or not we want to hear them.

  “That’s not what it looks like to me, and he’s a kid. He’s a horny kid and she should know better than to fraternize with kids. She’s 25 years old for crying out loud. She’s 6 years older than him.” He sounds out his disgust.

  Once again I’m gobsmacked. I don’t even see the age thing myself and if I wanted to date Isi, that would be the last issue I’d consider. Actually, as it stands, the only thing that has prevented me from entertaining more with Isi is the fact that Shae walked out on me only sixteen weeks ago; although it now seems like a lifetime ago. But I must admit that because of this woman, I’m the happiest I’ve been in six months.

  “You’re 32 and it doesn’t stop you offering to fuck me in a friend with benefits type of arrangement.” Isi contests.

  Well done Isi, you fucking tell the asshole.

  “It’s natural for the guy to be older.” he returns.

  “Bullsh
it.” Dr. Jensen states, getting up to turn the damn vacuum off finally.

  We all stare at her. She sighs and shakes her head. “This is not optimal. Isobelle is contracted not to fraternize with the patients in an emotional or sexual attachment. I’m sorry to say that this attachment, if not sexual, is definitely an emotional violation.” she explains.

  “But it’s not her fault.” I argue.

  “She’s the one with the power in this situation. It’s about protecting your vulnerability.” she explains.

  I’m starting to breathe fast and I’m shaking, “Please don’t do this.” I plead.

  “I’m going back to my office; I want to see you both there in two minutes. Ethan, off you go; I’ll have your report and talk to you later.” she says.

  Ethan smiles broadly and turns and leaves with the security guards.

  Dr Jensen turns to us, I’m still shaking.

  “Stop stressing Silas.” Isi says, placing a hand on my arm.

  “Yes, stop stressing out so much.” Dr. Jensen suggests.

  “But your work Isi, I’m so sorry.”

  “You two, one minute now and then I expect the two of you will be at my office door pronto.” Dr. Jensen advises, and then turns around and leaves.

  “Isi?”

  “Please Silas, it’s just not worth it.” she says softly, lowering her hand till she’s holding my hand.

  “I don’t want to lose you; I really can’t lose someone else this soon. I’ll seriously do something fucking stupid.”

  “You’re not going to lose me. I’m your friend. You’re stuck with me for life.”

  “Are you making a promise, or are you just saying that to make me feel better.”

  “You’re an insecure moron sometimes.” she says, ruffling my hair with her other hand. “You can’t get rid of me now. I need you to make me laugh. It’ll be bloody lonely in my bubble without your visits from time to time.” she smiles. She stands and pulls me up. “Come on; let’s see what the good doctor wants to say about me getting the sack.”

  “Shit.”

  “Settle Silas.” She says, reaching up to readjust her ponytail that has come loose from our ‘fraternizing’.

  ***

  “Sit down both of you and close the door Silas.” Dr. Jensen demands.

  I close the door and take the seat beside Isi. There’s a desk between us and Dr. Jensen.

  “Now, this is a unique situation.” She begins.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just so, so sorry.” I lament.

  “Silas, if you can’t shut up, I’ll tape your mouth shut.” Dr. Jensen stresses.

  I nod.

  “Now Isobelle is unique, she’s here as a cleaner yes, but she’s also a war veteran on a pension if I’m not mistaken.” she states.

  “Yes.” Isi confirms.

  “Which means she has some issues of her own.” She offers.

  “Yes.” Isi agrees quietly.

  “Post traumatic stress if I’m not mistaken. I’ve watched you over the last 12 months. I know it’s true.”

  Isi just nods.

  “So, it’s hardly likely that you were trying to abuse a power, because you were equally powerless, in my opinion.” She says.

  I’m excited, “So she won’t lose her job?”

  “I’m afraid that’s going to have to happen.” she reasons.

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Because I hardly think that Isobelle wants her private business bandied around. Isn’t that right Isobelle?”

  “Yes, I’d rather the staff not know about my own mental health issues.”

  “Well if this goes any further – the board of directors will be involved and looking into Isobelle’s background, and yours Silas, before they decide her fate.” Dr. Jensen explains.

  “This is so fucked.” I growl.

  “I have a proposition though.” Dr. Jensen begins.

  “Yes?” Isi asks.

  “As you’re well aware, I’m a busy woman. What you might not know, is that I’m also not very domesticated.” She chuckles. “I have a huge house that could use a good clean on a daily basis. My partner has been lamenting my domestic inability for years.”

  “Are you offering me a domestic cleaning job at your home?” Isi asks.

  “I know it’s not much; and the pay won’t be as high because there just won’t be as much demand on you; however, I realize you just want routine and ease. It can tie you over till you find something else if you like.” Dr. Jensen explains.

  “I’d love to.” Isi states. “I was seriously getting sick of Ethan anyway.”

  “I can understand.” Dr. Jensen grumbles. “You have to know Isobelle, my partner is a woman. I hope that’s not going to cause you any distress.”

  “No, no distress.” she smiles.

  It’s like watching a tennis match. They go back and forth working out the logistics of Isi’s new work and Isi seems genuinely happy that she’ll have something to do every morning, although she’ll have her afternoons free now; and Dr. Jensen appears completely delighted.

  Then Dr. Jensen turns to me.

  “Except for your incessant use of the word sorry Silas, you’ve handled this, shall we say - drama, reasonably well. I’m going to shift you across to the residential units today.” She smiles.

  “You’re serious? You can do that?” I enthuse.

  “Yes.”

  “Oh shit. I’ll be allowed out on day release? Can Isi visit me?” I ask.

  “I don’t think that will be a good idea.” Isi says.

  “No, I agree. If Isobelle goes over to the units, people will talk.” Dr. Jensen agrees.

  “But that means I won’t see her for two months.”

  “Why?” Dr. Jensen asks. “Why can’t you visit her?”

  “I, I don’t know. Can I have my motorcycle there?” I ask.

  “No. But you can catch a bus into town; or you can have your sister or brother-in-law come and collect you. Think Silas; think about how you can bend the rules to see Isobelle without finding trouble.” Dr. Jensen requests.

  I’m smiling at this wise older woman. She’s been on my side all along. If it wasn’t for the fact that she can never be my friend, she’d be a serious contender for a position.

  After we leave the office, Isi and I walk back towards the centre of the facility. We’re standing there facing each other, uncertain of what we should say.

  “I’m glad you get out early.” she says.

  “I’m sorry you lost your job.”

  “Please don’t be. I don’t do it for the money; I do it to keep my brain occupied, to keep me from the demons that set up residence in my head.”

  “Well, I hope the new job will be okay.”

  “Dr. Jensen has always been nice to me. Wow, who knew she was, you know.” she smiles at me. “I think it will be fun to work for her and her partner. I’ll do it for a while. I really do need to start thinking about what I want to do with my future though.” she looks at the ground.

  “You sound positive.” I point out sarcastically.

  She groans.

  “I’m sorr…” I begin, but Isi whips her hand up and places it over my mouth so fast I don’t get to finish.

  “I know you’re sorry, but I will punch you in the face if you say it again.” Isi states.

  I nod, because I would instinctually say I’m sorry for that as well otherwise.

  “I’m happy.” She says, lifting her hand away.

  “You’re happy?”

  “Yes Silas, I’m happy.” she smiles.

  “So how do I get to see you again?”

  “You call. You’ll be able to have a cell phone at the units.” she says.

  “Mobile phone.” I correct her; I don’t know why people call them cell phones.

  “You want me to call cell phones, mobile phones?”

  “Yes. If I can’t say sorry all the time, you can call them mobile phones or mobile for short.”

  She chuckles.

  “Do yo
u even have a mobile?” she asks smiling.

  “I did, I can’t remember if I trashed it or not. I trashed a lot of things. The house phone got smashed.”

  “Well, you need one. I’ll write my number down for when you get one and you can call me.” She says, going to the nurses’ station and grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. She writes her name and number down and then she leans in and presses the paper into my hand.

  “Call me.” she says seductively, as if she was interested in jumping my bones.

  “Everyone within the near vicinity thinks you just hit on me now.”

  She giggles throatily.

  I give her a beaming smile.

  “Now you go that way, and I’ll go that way and we’ll meet up someday soon.” She suggests.

  I move toward her and pull her into a hug. At first she’s surprised, but I think that has more to do with the fact that we’re visible than anything else.

  “Well, well, well. It’s a heartfelt good bye now is it?” Ethan sneers from behind me.

  “Fuck off Ethan.” Isi states, giving him a narrow-eyed glare.

  “Nice.” he replies. “Not of a sexual nature my ass.”

  Isi takes huge exception to this. I haven’t seen the fight in Isi before; Ethan always seemed to make her cringe and act uncomfortable. Not this time though.

  “I don’t have to explain myself to you. If Silas and I are fucking each other’s brains out, I don’t have to say anything to you. You were never my boss and you sure as hell have no sway on me now that I don’t even work here.” Isi spits out.

  Oh shit, I love this side of Isi; it’s kick-ass. And for some reason, despite the situation; I have a brief image of Isi and I in the throes of mad and passionate sex. It makes me feel all warm and… warm. I need to clear my throat as a result.

  “Well if you’re no longer working here, you’ll be aware that you aren’t allowed to be visiting the patients on a weekday, so you need to leave now.” He snidely replies.

  That’s the best you can do? Kick her out?