How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

by Kj Dell'Antonia

  Tech Limits for Young Children

  WHAT’S OUR PROBLEM WITH MEDIA (AND DO WE HAVE ONE)?

  Parents of young children who aren’t happy about the household’s screen time tend to have one of two problems. Either the children are watching or playing too much, or they’re begging and pleading too much. Even when the screen time itself isn’t an issue, the negotiations around it can make anyone crazy.

  If neither moderating nor negotiating screen time is an active problem, you may not need to codify what’s working. You probably already have what amounts to an effective policy, even if it’s just “you can watch when I say you can.” Don’t mess with what works, even if part of the reason that it works is that it works for you. If you’re good where you are, there’s no need to change to conform to someone else’s ideal.

  Our oldest child, as a preschooler, regularly got up at five a.m. His infant sister kept us up nights, but often slept in the mornings, from four until about eight. On the weekend, one of us would get up with our son, give him a tray of breakfast, set up some form of video or television long enough to maximize our sleep, and then stagger back upstairs. If he watched a full three hours of television at that point we counted it a victory for our health and sanity, even if the American Academy of Pediatrics, which recommends no more than an hour a day of media at that age, might have thought we needed more limits.

  If what you’re doing isn’t working, take the time to think about what the problem is. Like me, you may feel that your kids aren’t watching or playing too much—but you yourself are spending too much time and energy negotiating over every minute. If that’s the case, setting a limit might not change your kids’ overall screen time, but it might save your sanity.

  ARE YOU IN CONTROL?

  One of the first questions you should answer as you consider what’s happening with your family and screen time is this: who’s the decider? Do you choose what, when, and where they watch or play, or are you more likely to be giving in to their requests (or demands)? When your children are young, most of their media choices should really be your media choices. If, by any chance, you don’t feel that’s true—if you’re feeling at the mercy of your child’s begging or insisting or weeping or tantrums when it comes to what, or how much, she watches or plays—then know that you can take that control back. If you set a limit, and you stick to it, eventually that limit will become routine.

  This may take what feels like a lot of time, and it may require removing a phone, tablet, or laptop that your child has come to consider “his.” But it is far easier to regain your sense of control over your child’s media at this age now than it will be later. If the transition to “off” is a trouble area with toddlers or preschoolers, try using the technology to help you wherever you can. In one small study, parents found that turning off continuous play on videos or digital players, using a DVR with only one show recorded, or taking advantage of tools that cause digital gadgets to shut down after a certain amount of time can ease transitions. You can also install limits on computers or video-delivery services, and even set your house Wi-Fi to turn off at a certain time.

  Here, as with nearly everything, giving in to whining or repeated requests only invites more of the same next time. You might even consider, as we did, making any demand to extend time or change the limit grounds to take away the next watching or playing session, especially if continual whining for more screen time has really become a drain on your ability to enjoy your family time. It’s fine to be what your kids may consider unreasonably harsh in this area, especially while you’re making changes to limits. Did I mention that there is no evidence that some digital media use harms kids? There is no evidence that no digital media harms them, either.

  DO YOUR KIDS KNOW THE GOAL?

  Limiting screen time and ending the begging is only half the battle. What you really hope to be doing is establishing a baseline for how much is enough, and teaching your children to make their own decisions about that later and stick to them. So talk about why you’re limiting screen time and making healthy media choices. If your child’s school has a media education program, or the pediatrician asks them about time spent online, use that to your advantage. Would your child want to tell her doctor or teacher that she spent six hours playing a video game or watching a cartoon? If she wouldn’t, why not? Our kids often have a sense that they need limits—make sure that instinct becomes a concrete belief in the importance of moderating time spent on screens.

  WHAT’S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO PLUG THE KIDS IN?

  Let’s not indulge any illusions around the benefits of screen time—for adults. It really is a free babysitter, even if not one that lets you head out for a night on the town. When you need them to be distracted, you can achieve it, so take time to consider how you want to use that power (and keep in mind that for most children, especially young children, the magic wears off with overuse). Will you offer a device or video on an airplane? We did and do. At the grocery store or during errands? We didn’t and don’t. There’s a lot to be seen, learned, and experienced while shopping. In the car? Long trips were a yes for us, but we never used a video for anything under an hour. Car time is great talking time. Setting a precedent that it’s watching and playing time now is probably something you’ll regret later. At the doctor’s office? In general, this was a no for us with an exception. Research suggests that video games can work as pain relievers under some circumstances, and they certainly relieve anxiety for many children. When a shot or a scary procedure is in store, the tablets come out.

  At a restaurant? When our oldest son (now fifteen) was a toddler, we decided that, because we love to eat out, and we expected him to learn to enjoy that experience with us, we wouldn’t offer him any distractions at the table beyond a book, crayons, or small toys. That was sometimes difficult. We left a lot of food behind when his behavior was disruptive, and I spent a lot more time than I would have liked dividing my attention between a good meal and a picture book. At the same time, we had close friends who simply brought a DVD player to restaurant meals. They ate and talked; their child ate and watched.

  I admit it, we mocked them.

  But that child is now fifteen, too, and is a lovely human being, not overly attached to devices, not at all inclined to watch Dora the Explorer during meals, and every bit as delightful and successful at being a person in the world, and in restaurants, as my son. This makes me a little resentful, and I’m still inclined to say that videos shouldn’t be used as a pacifier in a situation in which a child should learn to behave. But as long as you’re not always offering a gadget instead of doing the harder work that teaching a child what’s appropriate in a public place entails, it’s all going to come out in the wash.

  DO I WANT PARTICULAR TIMES OR DAYS TO BE ENTIRELY TECH FREE?

  You may be willing to allow your children to use gadgets and media pretty freely for an hour a day, or to let them watch a daily TV show or play games for a certain amount of time or after doing certain tasks. But if there is a time of day, like before school, when no form of media use will work for your family, or a time when certain uses will conflict with what you or others need to get done (one child gaming while another does homework, or children watching television you dislike nearby while you’re making dinner), then build that into your policy.

  DO I WANT TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN TOYS AND TOOLS?

  Some media uses are passive (watching videos), some active but in ways that don’t require much thought or creativity (many video games), some are nominally educational (a category to be regarded with suspicion, unless a child is actually doing homework), and some are creative (meaning they encourage the creation or production of something—a game, a video, a song, a poem—that did not exist before). When your children are old enough to understand that difference, you can shift your screen time limit to allow them to use screens as tools (eventually you will have to do this for homework in any case). If children want to write or code or read
using a device, or if they have an app that allows them to measure or identify constellations or design a T-shirt, that’s a form of screen time you’ll want to encourage (in moderation). If you’re lucky, they’ll find they prefer creating to using the creations of others.

  HOW INVOLVED DO I WANT TO BE IN ENFORCING THE POLICY?

  One reason I chose our weekends-only policy was that even the youngest child could distinguish a weekend from a weekday during the school year, and my older kids could remind the others the rest of the time. One parent told me that his children are allowed a minute of digital media for every minute of reading. My mind boggled. I saw that as involving an astronomical amount of monitoring; for them, it works.

  WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL-PROVIDED TECH?

  Some schools provide a tablet or laptop to each child as long as they’re a student at the school. Those schools also usually attempt to limit what can be done on the device, but it’s the rare child who can’t get around those limits, and the Internet access the devices provide creates the opportunity to do a lot of watching videos and messaging under the guise of “homework.” Kids with school-provided tech will need to develop the ability to monitor themselves, but you’ll need to discuss with your child how you’ll help her focus on schoolwork when distractions beckon, and how your policies will be enforced when you can’t realistically quarantine the gadget. While they’re learning, consider having them do any online homework in a public space, where you can easily glance over and see what’s on the screen—even if it means quieting other distractions. A little quiet never hurt anyone.

  WHAT’S RIGHT FOR MY KIDS?

  Some children will stick to limits more easily than others—and some are just less interested in various forms of media. Many families have different limits for different children, because “not too much” works for one, while another needs “one hour a day, two on the weekends” because she will max out that time. In families like mine, where unequal treatment would create disharmony (oh, how mild that sounds, compared to what the actual result would be), the tech rule may be set to the lowest common denominator, with exceptions granted when appropriate.

  DO I WANT TECH TO BE A REWARD?

  Many families allow tech after chores and homework are done, as a prize for good behavior or grades or as a trade-off for other desired activities (usually reading). Others worry that setting up tech as the ultimate goal of reading or finishing other tasks discourages an appreciation for reading in itself, or glorifies the tech above all other forms of fun. But families who do use the “reward” policy are happy with it—and it gels with the way many adults use everything from television to social media to games as a reward or a way to wind down when the work is done. “My kids have a weekly chart of responsibilities we created each worth one minute of playing time,” says Alexai Perez, a mother of three in Florida. “We also hand out consequence slips, which deduct two minutes of playing time, for noncompliant behavior after being asked and reminded once. We add up all the minutes (usually works out to about an hour or an hour and a half of earned time). They get to use their time playing on the weekends only after daily chores are completed.”

  Teaching children to monitor themselves in this way can help them do the same as teenagers, although you will probably need to suggest it to them and help them stick to it, maybe by holding a phone until homework is done or showing them the kinds of tools adults use to keep their technology in a “work” mode until they’ve met their goals.

  IS THERE CERTAIN CONTENT I WANT TO AVOID?

  Some programming or games might be acceptable in some homes, but not in yours. Violent or sexual content is an obvious place for limits, but you might have other household no-goes. Some toddler programming might grate on your nerves (for example, the whining of PBS’s Caillou). Many families actively forbid tween sitcoms from networks like Disney and Nickelodeon (as one friend told me, “We blocked Disney and Nick on the TV because it made her obnoxious”). The day your daughter puts her hands on her hips and dons an unfamiliar cutesy expression and tone before declaring, “You’re a big fat meanie!” and flouncing off may be the last day for certain shows at your house. Some parents even forbid all television on the same grounds. Another friend, during the same conversation, said, “We stopped letting them watch TV one day because we realized that they were bigger jerks when they did.” You do you. My children know certain shows can’t be watched within my hearing, because the plots and performances drive me wild, and worse, from their perspective: they bring me into the room to comment on the gender stereotyping, the dumb choices, the way the characters treat one another, or just the sheer stupidity of it all.

  Apparently this isn’t as much fun for them as it is for me, which makes this a rule we can all agree on.

  WHAT HAPPENS AT OTHER PEOPLE’S HOUSES?

  Tech rules obviously differ from house to house. Few parents object to their children coming home after a sleepover having used far less media than they might have spent time with at home, but when it’s the other way around, some worry. Whether you’ll talk to the other parent is a separate question (and unless you’re very close and the play is frequent, I would address nothing other than the question of scary TV and movies or age-inappropriate games). But will you expect your child to adhere to your rules at someone else’s house? Erin Brown Croarkin limits her eight- and ten-year-olds to an hour a day, weekends only. “They cannot have it at a friend’s house if they have had it at our house,” she says. “Right now, they are honest.”

  I don’t expect my children to take our rules elsewhere (other than those around appropriate content), but I do ask that they follow other house’s rules and ask their friends to follow ours—and not spend a friend’s visit, or a visit to a friend’s house, online unless they’re online together.

  WILL MY CHILD CHEAT?

  If you don’t feel that you can trust your child not to try to get around the media-use rules you set, it’s even more important to set rules that are easy for you to monitor and enforce. Consider things like whether your child is frequently alone with the opportunity to use digital media (including an iPad or gaming device), and how likely you are to use other forms of monitoring, like checking the timing of DVR use or looking at browser histories, in order to know what’s happening when you’re not looking.

  Consider, too, what you might do if your child does cheat. When my younger son was eight, he ordered a game for his Nintendo device that he was incredibly excited about. It arrived on Tuesday. Tuesday! Days until the weekend, when he could use it!

  That night, after bedtime, I walked into his room and caught him playing. He was, I think, genuinely remorseful, but he still lost game and device privileges for the entire next weekend (as well as all other media use). That same child has given in to temptation a few times since, and we both learned that he needed external limits for a while. I held the devices, controlled the passwords, and reminded him of the consequences. When he got older, we gradually loosened up so that he needed to rely on his own willpower again, but it’s something he and I talk about more than I do with his siblings.

  DO I HAVE SAFETY AND PRIVACY CONCERNS?

  Prepare to discuss your family rules around things like logging into multi-player online games, using a parent’s email to sign into websites, use of the desktop camera, and sharing of passwords. And, of course, as your child joins different gaming or social platforms, you’ll want to revisit those rules, as well as any family rules about what can be shared online.

  THE TWO-HOUSEHOLD QUESTION

  If you parent with a partner but maintain two separate households, this question becomes even more challenging. Even partners who live together need to take time to agree on a policy and how it will be enforced. When you and your child’s other parent aren’t on good terms, this can become one more thing you don’t discuss or don’t agree on.

  “My almost-six-year-old gets about twenty to forty minutes on weeknights. Friday nights are p
izza and movie night. And she gets an hour or two on Saturdays and Sundays,” says one mother. “My struggle is that she gets a lot more at her dad’s house. I already feel like I’m pretty liberal, although I will take it away if she starts getting cranky or bratty. But I can see the impact of her coming home from Dad’s after an entire day of screens. And there’s not a damn thing I can do.”

  Parents who think their child spends more time with digital media in a second household might try working with the child to set an overall limit—one that covers both houses and allows most of the screen time to take place there without turning you into the bad guy. Many schools and pediatricians’ offices talk about limiting screen time, and parents in a tough co-parenting situation can turn this to their advantage, maybe by helping the child create a chart that echoes a limit suggested by some other source, and talking about how that three-movie marathon last weekend was fun, but might mean it’s a good idea to do other things this weekend.

  Of course, especially with younger children, the parental benefits to a child taking some screen time can be considerable, and if you’re losing all of those to an ex, you’re bound to be frustrated. While the situation evolves, you may just have to let what happens there stay there, while you focus on setting the right balance in your own house.