How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute

by Kj Dell'Antonia

  spend about 33 percent of their time: Ji-Yeon Kim, Susan M. McHale, D. Wayne Osgood, and Ann C. Crouter, “Longitudinal Course and Family Correlates of Sibling Relationships from Childhood Through Adolescence,” Child Development 77, no. 6 (November/December 2006): 1746–1761.

  manage their own emotional response: University of Illinois College of Agricultural, Consumer and Environmental Sciences, “As Siblings Learn How to Resolve Conflict, Parents Pick Up a Few Tips of Their Own,” June 25, 2015, http://news.aces.illinois.edu/news/u-i-study-siblings-learn-how-resolve-conflict-parents-pick-few-tips-their-own.

  when parents don’t intervene: Laurie Kramer, Lisa A. Perozynski, and Tsai-Yen Chung, “Parental Responses to Sibling Conflict: The Effects of Development and Parent Gender,” Child Development 70, no. 6 (November/December 1999): 1401–1414.

  constantly wind up on the losing side: Richard B. Felson, “Aggression and Violence Between Siblings,” Social Psychology Quarterly 46, no. 4 (December 1983): 271–285.

  tacitly endorse that result: Michal Perlman and Hildy S. Ross, “The Benefits of Parent Intervention in Children’s Disputes: An Examination of Concurrent Changes in Children’s Fighting Styles,” Child Development 64, no. 4 (August 1997): 690–700.

  “outnumber negative ones by about five to one”: Christine Carter, “Siblings: How to Help Them Be Friends Forever,” Greater Good Magazine, January 20, 2010.

  4. SPORTS AND ACTIVITIES

  engage in organized sports: Committee on Sports Medicine and Fitness, “Intensive Training and Sports Specialization in Young Athletes,” Pediatrics 106, no. 1 (July 2000): 154–157; C. Ryan Dunn, Travis E. Dorsch, Michael Q. King, and Kevin J. Rothlisberger, “The Impact of Family Financial Investment on Perceived Parent Pressure and Child Enjoyment and Commitment in Organized Youth Sport,” Family Relations 65, no. 2 (April 2016): 287–299.

  unsupervised “free” playtime has decreased: Garey Ramey and Valerie A. Ramey, “The Rug Rat Race,” National Bureau of Economic Research, Working Paper no. 15284, August 2009; Sandra L. Hofferth and John F. Sandberg, “How American Children Spend Their Time,” Journal of Marriage and Family 63, no. 2 (May 2001): 295–308.

  time parents spend chauffeuring children: Garey Ramey and Valerie A. Ramey, “The Rug Rat Race.”

  compared to 12.4 in 1975: Laura Vanderkam, 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (New York: Portfolio, 2010).

  fewer risky behaviors: Alia Wong, “The Activity Gap,” The Atlantic, January 30, 2015.

  traveling for the sake of sport: Karla Jo Helms, “The Sports Facilities Advisory Deems Youth Sports and Sports-Related Travel ‘Recession Resistant’—Youth Sporting Events Create $7 Billion in Economic Impact,” Cision PR Web, November 20, 2017.

  We get involved ourselves: Nicholas L. Holt, Katherine A. Tamminen, Danielle E. Black, James L. Mandigo, and Kenneth R. Fox, “Youth Sport Parenting Styles and Practices,” Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology 31, no. 1 (2009): 37–59; Michael Jellineck and Stephen Durant, “Parents and Sports: Too Much of a Good Thing?,” Contemporary Pediatrics 21, no. 9 (September 2004): 17–20; Stephen S. Leff and Rick H. Hoyle, “Young Athletes’ Perceptions of Parental Support and Pressure,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 24, no. 2 (April 1995): 187–203; Gary L. Stein, Thomas D. Raedeke, and Susan D. Glenn, “Children’s Perceptions of Parent Sport Involvement: It’s Not How Much, But to What Degree That’s Important,” Journal of Sports Behavior 22, no. 4 (December 1999): 591–601.

  a small but significant association: E. Glenn Schellenberg, “Long-Term Positive Associations Between Music Lessons and IQ,” Journal of Educational Psychology 98, no. 2 (May 2006): 457–468.

  90 percent of kids tell surveys: “Youth Sports Statistics,” Statistic Brain, March 16, 2017, https://www.statisticbrain.com/youth-sports-statistics.

  pleasure for their kids by behaving: Jens Omli and Diane M. Wiese-Bjornstal, “Kids Speak: Preferred Parental Behavior at Youth Sports Events,” Research Quarterly for Exercise and Sport 82, no. 4 (December 2011): 702–711.

  If you’re willing to give up: Madeline Levine, Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies, or “Fat Envelopes” (New York: Harper Perennial, 2006), 20.

  5. HOMEWORK

  percentage had increased to just over 50 percent: Claudia Goldin, “America’s Graduation from High School: The Evolution and Spread of Secondary Schooling in the Twentieth Century,” Journal of Economic History 58, no. 2 (June 1998): 345–374.

  In high school, electives: Steven Katona, “High School Students Choosing High-Level Courses Over Electives,” WUFT News, February 24, 2015, https://www.wuft.org/news/2015/02/24/high-school-students-choosing-high-level-courses-over-electives.

  nationwide increase in homework load: Tom Loveless, “Homework in America,” The Brookings Institution, March 18, 2014, https://www.brookings.edu/research/homework-in-america.

  One small study: KJ Dell’Antonia, “When Homework Stresses Parents as Well as Students,” Motherlode, New York Times, September 10, 2015, https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/09/10/when-homework-stresses-parents-as-well-as-students.

  “Take an interest,” said Julie Lythcott-Haims: KJ Dell’Antonia, “‘Impossible’ Homework Assignment? Let Your Child Do It,” Well Family, New York Times, March 22, 2016, https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/22/fourth-grade-book-report-let-your-fourth-grader-do-it.

  I thought it was impossible: KJ Dell’Antonia, “‘Impossible’ Homework Assignment? Let Your Child Do It,” Well Family, New York Times, March 22, 2016, https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/22/fourth-grade-book-report-let-your-fourth-grader-do-it.

  6. SCREENS ARE FUN, LIMITING THEM IS NOT

  more than 7.5 hours a day: “The Common Sense Census: Plugged-In Parents of Tweens and Teens 2016,” Common Sense Media, December 6, 2016, https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/the-common-sense-census-plugged-in-parents-of-tweens-and-teens-2016.

  about six hours a day: “Zero to Eight: Children’s Media Use in America 2013,” Common Sense Media, October 28, 2013, https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america-2013.

  about 2.5 hours a day: “Zero to Eight: Children’s Media Use in America 2013,” Common Sense Media, October 28, 2013, https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america-2013.

  asked one thousand kids: Catherine Steiner-Adair, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age (New York: HarperCollins, 2013).

  64 percent of teenagers: Charlotte Eyre, “Young People Prefer Print to e-Books,” The Bookseller, September 30, 2015.

  Somewhat dubious statistics: Martha de Lacey, “Baby’s First Facebook Update! Photos of Newborns Now Appear on Social Media Sites Within ONE HOUR of Their Birth,” Daily Mail, August 27, 2013.

  249 parent-child pairs: KJ Dell’Antonia, “Don’t Post About Me on Social Media, Children Say,” Well Family, New York Times, March 8, 2016, https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/08/dont-post-about-me-on-social-media-children-say.

  Even the American Academy of Pediatrics: American Academy of Pediatrics, “Media and Young Minds,” Pediatrics 138, no. 5 (November 2016).

  teaching them something they did not know: “Study Finds Infants Can Learn to Communicate from Videos,” Emory Health Sciences, January 22, 2015, http://news.emory.edu/stories/2015/01/upress_infants_learn_from_videos/index.html.

  certain amount of time can ease transitions: Alexis Hiniker, Hyewon Suh, Sabina Cao, and Julie A. Kientz, “Screen Time Tantrums: How Families Manage Screen Media Experiences for Toddlers and Preschoolers,” Proceedings of the 2016 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems (San Jose, California, May 7–12, 2016): 648–660.

  relieve anxiety for many children: KJ Dell’Antonia, “Four Moments When Video Games Are Good for Kids (and How to Make Them Even Better),” Motherlode, New Yor
k Times, December 10, 2015, https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/12/10/four-moments-when-video-games-are-good-for-kids-and-how-to-make-them-even-better; Robert George, “Video Games Prove Helpful as Pain Relievers in Children and Adults,” Medical News Today, May 9, 2010; Melissa Osgood, “The Key to Reducing Pain in Surgery May Already Be in Your Hand,” Cornell University, Media Relations Office, April 29, 2015, http://news.cornell.edu/stories/2015/04/texting-friends-or-strangers-during-surgery-reduces-pain.

  Relatively few parents: “Zero to Eight: Children’s Media Use in America 2013,” Common Sense Media, October 28, 2013, https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america-2013.

  7. DISCIPLINE

  punishing a child and reducing bad behavior: Jim Edwards, “Baseball & Discipline in the 1950s,” Everyday Christian Family, November 28, 2013, http://everydaychristianfamily.com/baseball-discipline-in-the-1950s.

  effective discipline includes three things: Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, “Guidance for Effective Discipline,” Pediatrics 101, no. 4 (April 1998).

  82 percent of high school: Lene Arnett Jensen, Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, S. Shirley Feldman, and Elizabeth Cauffman, “The Right to Do Wrong: Lying to Parents Among Adolescents and Emerging Adults,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 33, no. 2 (April 2004): 101–112; Lisa Heffernan, “What I’ve Learned: When Teens Lie,” On Parenting, Washington Post, February 24, 2015, https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/02/24/what-ive-learned-when-teens-lie.

  8. FOOD, FUN, AND FAMILY TIME

  interactions in middle-class families: Elinor Ochs and Tamar Kremer-Sadlik, editors, Fast-Forward Family: Home, Work, and Relationships in Middle-Class America (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2013), 32.

  and can be disappointed: Sarah Bowen, Sinikka Elliott, and Joslyn Brenton, “The Joy of Cooking?,” SAGE Journals 13, no. 3 (August 2014): 20–25.

  spend more at restaurants than we do on groceries: Michelle Jamrisko, “Americans’ Spending on Dining Out Just Overtook Grocery Sales for the First Time Ever,” Bloomberg Markets, April 14, 2015.

  adult members of the family eat healthier: Valeria Skafida, “The Family Meal Panacea: Exploring How Different Aspects of Family Meal Occurrence, Meal Habits and Meal Enjoyment Relate to Young Children’s Diets,” Sociology of Health and Illness 35, no. 6 (July 2013): 906–923.

  increases the likelihood: Jennifer Orlet Fisher, Diane C. Mitchell, Helen Smiciklas-Wright, and Leann Lipps Birch, “Parental Influences on Young Girls’ Fruit and Vegetable, Micronutrient, and Fat Intakes,” Journal of the American Dietetic Association 102, no. 1 (January 2002): 58–64.

  children and adults stay at the table longer: Elinor Ochs and Margaret Beck, “Serving Convenience Foods for Dinner Doesn’t Save Time,” The Atlantic, March 11, 2013.

  more positive attitude toward food: Paul Rozin, “Human Food Intake and Choice: Biological, Psychological and Cultural Perspectives,” in Harvey Anderson, John Blundell, and Matty Chiva (eds.), Food Selection: From Genes to Culture (Paris: Danone Institute, 2002): 7–24, http://ernaehrungsdenkwerkstatt.de/fileadmin/user_upload/EDWText/TextElemente/Ernaehrungspsychologie/Rozin_Ernaehrungsverhalten_Danone_Publikation.pdf.

  quality over quantity: Paul Rozin, Abigail K. Remick, and Claude Fischler, “Broad Themes of Difference Between French and Americans in Attitudes to Food and Other Life Domains: Personal Versus Communal Values, Quantity Versus Quality, and Comforts Versus Joys,” Frontiers in Psychology 2 (July 2011): 177.

  9. FREE TIME, VACATIONS, HOLIDAYS, BIRTHDAYS, AND OTHER ON-DEMAND “FUN”

  bonus eight paid holidays: Rebecca Ray, Milla Sanes, and John Schmitt, “No-Vacation Nation Revisited,” Center for Economic and Policy Research, May 2013, http://cepr.net/documents/publications/no-vacation-update-2013-05.pdf.

  either don’t take all we’re offered: Harvard University T. H. Chan School of Public Health, “The Workplace and Health,” edited by NPR/Robert Wood Johnson Foundation/Harvard School of Public Health, July 11, 2016, https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/research/2016/07/the-workplace-and-health.html.

  cycle of striving for perfection: Emma Casey and Lydia Martens, Gender and Consumption: Domestic Cultures and the Commercialisation of Everyday Life (London and New York: Routledge, 2007).

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