by Karis Walsh
Tina dropped her head back onto Jan’s shoulder. Jan kissed her neck, adding a flick of her tongue. “Mmm,” Tina moaned. “I guess because we hugged. And argued. And laughed.” She gave a sharp intake of breath between each brief sentence as Jan continued to kiss her neck. “I was attracted to you from the start, but that was the day I knew I could…trust you. Before then, you could have had my body anytime, but from that day on, you could have had more.”
Jan nibbled on the tight tendon at the base of Tina’s neck. She knew Tina wasn’t professing her undying love. She wasn’t offering anything beyond this single agreed-upon night together. But she was giving Jan more than a disinterested sexual fling. Friendship, connection, communication. Jan recognized the gift for what it was. No more, no less.
“And you wouldn’t have pushed me away if I had, say, slipped my hand under your shirt when I was holding you, out there by the lake?” Jan rubbed her hand over Tina’s tight abdomen and up to cup her breast, using her thumb and forefinger to knead an already-erect nipple. “Even though we were in public, and anyone could have seen us?”
“I think it would have been perfectly acceptable,” Tina said, pushing her chest into Jan’s hand. Jan moved her hand across to Tina’s other breast, sliding under her bra. Jan closed her hand, firmly massaging Tina’s breast. “Besides, who could even tell what you’re…oh God, yes…doing?”
Jan’s nipples tightened in response to the friction of Tina’s sweater as Tina moved against her. Jan felt her whole body vibrate with excitement as Tina squirmed, her words punctuated by small whimpers, her arousal obviously increasing.
Jan hooked the thumb of her free hand in the top of Tina’s jeans. “What if I had unbuttoned your jeans so I could reach my hand inside and touch you? Would they have been able to tell what I was doing, then?”
Jan moved her hand to Tina’s crotch and squeezed gently. She rubbed against the hot, soaked denim and whispered in Tina’s ear. “Would you have cared if anyone saw?”
Tina laughed, a rough, weak laugh. “Not even a tiny bit.”
Jan brought her hand up to Tina’s chin and turned her so they were facing each other. The smell of Tina on her hand made her ache to touch her, taste her, take her. “What if I had gotten on my knees right there on the boardwalk and sucked you until you came in my mouth? Would you have tried to stop me?”
Tina shook her head, leaning forward to kiss Jan. Hungry, searching. “Please,” she whispered. “Make me come.”
Jan unbuttoned Tina’s jeans, keeping eye contact until she had them open. Then she dropped to her knees, shoving the intrusive material out of her way, off Tina’s hips. She used her thumbs to spread Tina open and slid her tongue through the inviting wetness. They both groaned at her gentle touch, and Jan couldn’t tell where her voice left off and Tina’s began. She licked harder, deeper, until she felt Tina’s thighs tremble beneath her hands. Then she circled Tina’s clit with her tongue before closing her lips around it and sucking. She felt Tina jerk against her face, felt Tina’s hands tangled in her hair, felt a concordant rush of wetness on her own thighs.
*
About an hour later, Tina rested in the hazy moonlight, Jan’s head pillowed on her chest. She wanted to wake Jan to fuck her again. And again. But she let her sleep, running her fingers from Jan’s temple to the ends of her hair, over and over, as she synchronized her breathing with the tempo of Jan’s heartbeat.
Tina smiled in the semidarkness as she remembered scenes from the night, whispered words, revealed fantasies. She had figured she’d enjoy being with Jan in bed. Jan had a great body, and she carried herself with a sexy confidence. Besides, Tina had never had cause to doubt her own ability to lead her partner through a mutually satisfying experience. But being with Jan had been unexpected. Different. Amazing.
Tina massaged Jan’s scalp gently before slipping her hands through the pliant strands. Maybe it was the talking. She usually limited herself to necessary words during sex, like right there, harder, and yes. But the joking, the shared memories, the vulnerability of combining words and touch and emotion were things Tina had never experienced before. Probably because she rarely knew a woman well enough to carry on such an extended conversation. Or because she had never cared to know one so well.
Jan sighed and curled closer. Tina traced one finger over the small dove tattooed on Jan’s shoulder. No matter how wonderful, how intimate the night had been, the cold facts of day were unchanged. Jan was searching for safety and stability. For a home, for the strength needed to bear the responsibility of holding a steady job and caring for her father. Tina wanted…well, she wasn’t quite sure. But she wouldn’t accept less than complete freedom. The opportunity to work, love, and live according to her own desires. Meaning no family obligations—whether hers or a partner’s—no ties binding her to place or boss or girlfriend.
Tina rubbed her cheek against Jan’s head. Of course, she had to make money and cultivate clients, so she needed some stability in her work life. Especially if she accepted more of the extended PR projects she found so interesting and fulfilling. And while she was free to move anywhere, she had always stayed in Seattle where she had a base of friends and hobbies and companionship. But she could move anywhere she wanted.
Even Spokane? She dismissed the question as soon as she asked it. No. Of course, it was feasible to do her type of work from here, with occasional trips to Seattle. But what did she really have in this city? Some family, perhaps, but they looked better from a distance. Jan? Tina closed her eyes and pressed her lips against Jan’s hair. How could she even consider making plans for the future, settling, tying herself down? Just a foolish side effect of lovemaking. Yes, their connection had been something special, something unique, but how long would it last? Not long, if it even still existed now that the first haze of passion had cleared. From this point on, sex with Jan would probably only offer the exciting—but expected—physical satisfaction Tina was accustomed to feeling.
Tina’s hand slid from the tattoo, over Jan’s shoulder, and down to cup her breast. Might as well test her theory and have some boring, predictable sex. She rubbed her palm over Jan’s nipple and was rewarded by an intake of breath and the feeling of Jan tightening against her like a bowstring. Tina’s touch grew more insistent as her own breathing quickened. Jan stirred, fully awake now, and raised her head. When their lips met, something exploded inside of Tina. The kiss was at once calming and erotic, familiar and fiery. Just a kiss. How could it mean so much? Tina broke their contact and moved down Jan’s body. She needed passion and climax and mindless sex. Anything to silence the frightening thoughts running through her mind.
Chapter Thirteen
“Tina, wake up.” Jan pulled on a T-shirt before returning to the bed to shake a sleeping Tina by the shoulder. She went to the closet and grabbed a pair of worn khakis, hopping toward the bed on one foot as she hurried into the pants. She shook Tina again. Harder. She should have woken hours earlier and sent Tina home, so their fantasy night didn’t intrude on real life. She couldn’t risk letting Tina fill her home, her daily routine, with color and smell and laughter any more than she already had. Life was already going to be drab and empty when she was gone.
“Wake up!”
Tina startled her by snaking out a hand and taking hold of Jan’s wrist. Jan was off balance enough to tumble onto the bed when Tina tugged.
“Mmm,” Tina mumbled in a sexy, sleepy voice. “You sound cranky, but you look beautiful. Let’s sleep a little longer.” She burrowed under the covers again, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around Jan. Jan sighed and relaxed for one brief moment. She felt so comfortable snuggled close to Tina. Too damned comfortable. She wriggled and finally managed to pull herself out of Tina’s embrace. She got out of bed.
“Tina, you have to get up. It’s getting late.”
Her whisper must have sounded agitated enough to rouse Tina. She sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. “It’s dark outside,” she said. “What time is it?”
“In the morning?”
“Of course in the morning.”
“Huh,” Tina said, pulling up her knees and clasping her arms around them. “I’ve heard rumors such a time existed, but I didn’t really believe them until now.”
Tina looked drowsy and tousled and good enough to eat. Jan shook her head. Sex with Tina had been a fun diversion, but their relationship wouldn’t last in the harsh daylight of reality. The longer they dragged out their good-byes, the harder they’d be. Jan already felt more raw pain than she had expected. Tina would take a piece of Jan with her when she left, leaving her feeling shapeless. Undefined. She had tried to be cautious, to be prepared for the morning after. But she hadn’t expected the night before to be so fucking incredible.
“Get up and get dressed,” Jan ordered.
“Where are we going so early?” Tina yawned and dangled her legs over the side of the bed.
“We’re not going anywhere. You need to go before my dad wakes up.”
“You’re kidding,” Tina said with a laugh. Her smile faded when Jan didn’t answer. “Really?”
“Yes.” Jan was resolute. She handed Tina her sweater. One more minute, one more second, and she’d be back in bed with her. Tina had claimed every part of Jan she had touched. Pretty soon, there wouldn’t be anything left of her. Tina had been an exciting sex partner, just as Jan had predicted, but she would never be the real partner Jan needed.
“Don’t be silly,” Tina said, but she pulled her sweater over her head. “First of all, you’re not a teenager, and second, your dad likes me. I doubt he’ll care I stayed the night. I thought the three of us could go out to breakfast again. I feel like a huge chicken-fried steak and some fried eggs.”
“Let me put it this way,” Jan said slowly. She couldn’t face a happy family breakfast. Tina had already become too much a part of Jan’s bed, her room, her life. “I want you to go before my dad gets up.”
Tina stood up and gently cupped her hands around Jan’s chin. “You’re serious, aren’t you? But why? I thought last night was…well, something special.”
Jan took hold of Tina’s wrists and pulled her hands away. Something special. Last night had been fun, an extension of her playful relationship with Tina, a chance to live out some of her fantasies. But Tina hadn’t been just the lover she had fantasized about. She had been too much more. Her body felt pleasantly sore and satisfied after a night of sex, but her heart felt chafed and aching. The laughter and play and lightness had somehow burrowed into her, more deeply and intimately than Jan had anticipated.
“The sex was great,” she said. “But we all know how this story ends. You’re leaving Spokane soon, and even if you weren’t, a relationship isn’t your style. Let’s call it a fun night and let it go at that.”
“Okay, okay,” Tina said. She picked up the jeans she had tossed on the floor the night before and pulled them on. “No breakfast. But can we meet later? Get some coffee and talk this out?”
“Talk what out?” Jan asked, her voice rising above a whisper as her pain and frustration fused into anger. “Our whole relationship has been a game. Pretend, make-believe, fantasy. But my life isn’t any of those things. And don’t try to tell me you plan to stick around after the game ends. It’s not your style.”
“Maybe it hasn’t been my style in the past. But people change. I might not be exactly the girlfriend you planned for, but—”
“How could you be anyone’s girlfriend?” Jan snapped, her voice no longer confined to a whisper. Because, damn it, she wanted Tina to be the kind of woman she could depend on, count on. “The term suggests some sort of commitment, and you’ll have none of that. In and out, unpredictable, no desire to be tied down.”
“Shallow, unreliable, uncaring,” Tina added.
Jan might have chosen those adjectives before she had gotten to know Tina, but no longer. Still, if it helped her get Tina out the door faster…“Your words, not mine,” she said, with an indifferent shrug.
“I suppose that’s all a rigid and narrow-minded person like you would see in me. You have your inflexible life all planned out, and you won’t make any changes to accommodate someone who isn’t precisely the right shape. But just because I don’t fit the ideal doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be good together.”
“Good together for what? Another night? Maybe a week?” Jan asked. She felt a stubborn urge to argue against the word rigid, but she couldn’t deny its accuracy. But how could it be wrong to stay firm and uncompromising when it came to such an important issue as love? “And even though they aren’t right for you, you can’t convince me stability and security and trust are bad things.”
“You know you can trust me,” Tina said in a frighteningly low voice.
Of course she could. But Jan had to push forward. Tina was almost gone. “I can trust you to leave me eventually. So just go now and don’t drag it out. You’ll be running away from your family again soon enough, and when you do, you’ll leave me behind, too. I’d rather get it over with now, so I can go back to my real world.”
Tina clenched her hands into fists. She had been trying to explain to Jan how she felt, how much she wanted to—for once in her life—stick around to see if they could strengthen the temporary bonds they had made during the night. She understood Jan being concerned about her long list of past lovers, but bringing her family into the mess was too much. “I never ran away from my family. They abandoned me and my mom after Dad died. And when Mom was sick, I was left all alone to take care of her.”
“No,” Jan said. “I am all alone. From what Peter has said, and what you yourself admitted, you had offers of help but you turned them down because you were still angry over stupid fights from your childhood. Right now, I’d give anything to have the kind of support you have.”
“Careful what you wish for. That support comes with way too many strings.” Tina was furious. How could Jan misinterpret her, her family, her past so badly? “I’d rather have my freedom than any help from them.”
“Oh, right. Your precious freedom. But ask yourself, do you really want to be free, or do you want to be alone? Because you carry your family, your past with you everywhere you go. You say you don’t want to be tied down or confined by obligations, but you wear your anger and resentment like chains.”
“And you claim to want a real home with people who care about you, but you refuse to let anyone close enough to intrude on your self-pitying solitude,” Tina said as she picked up her keys and shoes. She had thought Jan was the one person who had been able to really understand her, to see past her fear of getting close to someone, only to lose them. She had been wrong. She paused before opening the door. “And don’t insult your dad by pretending you didn’t have any stability in your life. The background might have changed a lot, but the love and security he gave you never did. Sometime, ask him what sacrifice he made for that to happen.”
*
Jan slowly trailed down the stairs after Tina. She knew she had damaged their friendship beyond repair, and even if she had wanted to call her back, to try to make amends, Tina would never forgive her. Bringing Tina’s relationship with her family into the fight had been unacceptable, and although Jan firmly believed she was correct about Tina being bound by her anger, she never should have brought it up in the heat of an argument. But Jan had been too angry herself—and too hurt—to stop.
“Good morning, pumpkin,” her dad said when she entered the kitchen. He was struggling with the top of a milk carton he had braced against his sling. Jan took it from him and opened it.
“Thanks,” he said, pouring some into a measuring cup.
“How much did you hear?” she asked.
“Just voices, no words. Are you okay?”
Jan sniffed and nodded. “It’s for the best.”
“Whatever you say. I thought you might want some of my famous blueberry pancakes. They always cheered you up when you were little.”
Jan smiled. Memories
of skinned knees, elementary-school traumas, and lost toys—all made better by a big stack of pancakes and syrup—played through her mind. This problem was too big to be fixed by a sugar high, but the batter did smell good. “Can I help?” she asked.
Her dad emptied a pint of fresh berries into the bowl. “You could get the frying pan off the shelf for me,” he suggested. She gave him a teary kiss on the cheek and went over to the cupboard.
“Tina said something about you making sacrifices for me when I was a kid,” she said as she carried the heavy pan to the island in the middle of the kitchen. “Do you know what she meant?”
“Choices, not sacrifices,” her dad said. “But I suppose we shouldn’t put off talks any longer, should we. Why don’t we talk about it over breakfast?”
Chapter Fourteen
“You look like hell,” Peter said. He wedged past a boisterous group of kids wearing Gonzaga shirts and sat on the red vinyl-covered stool next to Tina.
“Gee, thanks,” she said. She was sure he was telling the truth, but she’d been avoiding looking in mirrors since her fight with Jan. The dark circles under her eyes and the frown lines curving around her mouth only reminded her of how different she felt now than she had when she’d first woken up in Jan’s bed. Then, she had been exhausted after making love all night but had been unable to stop smiling. Now, she felt and looked—as Peter had so politely phrased it—like hell.
“This place makes a great burger, but it doesn’t offer much in the way of privacy,” Peter said, “You said you needed to talk. We could go somewhere quieter.”
“This is fine,” Tina said, moving out of the way as one of the college boys gestured wildly and nearly hit her in the head. The dive, crammed on a corner lot, was tiny and only had room for an L-shaped Formica counter that wrapped around its questionable-looking grill. But Brooke and Jan had raved about it, recounting a series of stories about eating here when they were students at Gonzaga. This was the place they had originally planned to visit for lunch the day they had driven to Wenatchee instead. Tina wondered if she and Jan still would have spent the night together if they’d stuck to their original idea. Or had the challenge of adapting to a reformulated plan been the catalyst for Jan’s suggestion they spend the night together? The day had been out of the ordinary, so why not the night as well?