Improvisation

by Karis Walsh

  Her dad gave her shoulder a pat. “Well, there’s no room for fear in the future,” he said in his normal voice. “We can spend the summer making new memories and get Tina to make a brand-new DVD next year.”

  Jan smiled and dried her eyes. Definitely a yes to the memories. And a maybe to Tina’s involvement in the future. Still, she had seen Jan more clearly than anyone ever had, and she seemed determined to stick around. Jan had no idea what might happen next week, next month, next year, and she had to accept that her well-ordered plans didn’t seem to apply to her new life. She might just have to learn to play it by ear.

  *

  Jan came around the corner from the lobby and saw Tina. She was waiting outside the bar, near a glass door leading to the street. Waiting for her. Jan hesitated on the short staircase, just wanting some time to look at Tina, unobserved. She was wearing a green silk blouse, open at the neck, and her hair was loose and glowing in the waning light of day. So beautiful. And so cautious-looking. Hands in the pockets of her dark slacks, body held too stiffly. Jan sighed in relief. She didn’t want Tina to be uncomfortable—and she hoped she wouldn’t be for long—but she was glad to know tonight mattered to Tina. To both of them. She came down the last of the stairs and walked over to Tina.

  “Hi,” she said. Tina turned quickly and faced her.

  “Hi. I thought you’d come in this way, but you must have parked on the other side…” Her voice faded to a stop.

  “I used the valet,” Jan admitted. “It’s so hard to find a good place to park this time of night.”

  “I know,” Tina said. “I had to walk four blocks.” She paused and gave Jan a small grin. “Nice weather, though.”

  Jan couldn’t control her answering smile. “A little cool, but I’m hoping it will warm up this evening.”

  Tina laughed, looking more like her regular self. “Me, too. In fact, it already feels more comfortable. Shall we join the sappy lovebirds?”

  “I suppose we have to,” Jan said. She headed toward the door of the bar, but Tina stopped her with a hand on her arm. She withdrew it before Jan had time to enjoy the fleeting contact.

  “I wanted to ask about the video. Was it all right?”

  Jan heard the hesitation in Tina’s voice. The uncertainty. She wanted to reassure her, but her eyes filled with tears at the thought of watching the DVD with her dad. She would never again take for granted any time they spent together, and watching the DVD Tina had made was a memory she’d cherish forever. She wasn’t in control enough to explain to Tina what a gift she’d given them, but she hoped Tina would understand. She looked away and blinked, trying to regain her composure. “It was perfect,” she managed.

  The ice melted completely as Tina came forward and wrapped her arms around Jan in a quick hug. “I’m so glad,” she said, stepping back. “But we can talk about it another time.”

  Jan nodded and opened the door. “After you,” she said.

  Tina hesitated in the doorway, and Jan almost bumped into her back “Are you going to shut this behind me and leave?”

  “Not a chance,” Jan said, close enough to smell the hint of rosin in Tina’s hair. She would bet anything Tina had been playing the fiddle right before she came.

  Chloe and Peter were tucked in a corner of the bar, wrapped in their own private world, but they stood up as soon as Jan and Tina got to the table.

  “We’re engaged,” Chloe said, nearly bouncing as she showed off her ring.

  Tina clutched her chest and staggered back a step. “This is such unexpected and shocking news,” she said. She pulled out chairs for herself and for Jan. “I need to sit down before I faint. Jan, did you have any idea?”

  “I certainly did not,” Jan said as she sat next to Tina. “I think I need a cold cloth for my forehead.”

  “And I need a drink to soothe my startled nerves,” Tina said, snapping her fingers at Peter.

  “Oh, that sounds better,” Jan agreed. “Me, too.”

  Peter rolled his eyes at Chloe. “Tina was annoying as a child. We thought she’d grow out of it, but apparently she hasn’t. I’ll go order us some champagne.”

  Chloe gave him a kiss before he left the table, and then she sat down again, glaring at Jan and Tina. “The two of you need to stick together. No one else thinks you’re funny.”

  Jan looked around the crowded room. “How’d he ask? Did he get down on one knee in front of all these strangers?”

  Tina snorted with laughter. “Are you kidding? Peter? Of course he did. He couldn’t stray off the traditional path if you gave him a hard shove.”

  “It was very romantic,” Chloe said with a frown.

  “I’m sure it was, and really, we want to hear all about it,” Jan said. She kicked Tina hard in the shin when she seemed about to protest.

  “Ow. Yes, please. I apparently need to hear every detail.”

  Jan listened, biting her lip to keep from laughing out loud, as Chloe told them the story of Peter’s very conventional down-on-one-knee proposal. She wasn’t even sure why she found it so funny. Maybe because Tina had been so right about him. Or because she was so relieved to be on comfortable joking terms with Tina again. One more piece falling into place. Sex and laughter, shared thoughts and mutual comfort. The shape of her relationship with Tina had more depth and dimension than Jan had ever known.

  Peter returned, followed closely by a waiter carrying a bottle of chilled champagne. He popped the cork and carefully filled four glasses with gold liquid.

  Tina lifted her glass, watching the light reflect off the small bubbles suspended in the wine. The color of Jan’s hair, sifting through Tina’s fingers, brushing softly against her face. More intoxicating than the liquor. Tina glanced over at her. She was smiling tonight. Happy and more relaxed than Tina had ever seen her. She wondered what had caused the transformation.

  “I’d like to propose a toast.” Peter’s voice broke into her thoughts. “To the women who brought me and Chloe together, earning our undying gratitude. Tina and Jan.”

  Tina was about to take a drink, but he continued with his toast. “Who also are, incidentally, the only ones who haven’t said we’re crazy to be so sure of our future together even though we’ve only known each other a few weeks. It’s as if they somehow understand firsthand how two people can fall in love so quickly. Cheers.”

  Chloe winked at him as they clinked glasses and drank. Jan took a sip, too, but she set her glass down quickly. Tina glared at her cousin, but he only smiled in return as if daring her to make a scene. She bit back any sarcastic retorts and downed half of her champagne in one swallow.

  Tina partially listened to Chloe’s detailed plans for the wedding, but most of her attention was focused on Jan. She had been apprehensive about coming tonight, unsure how they would get along, but they seemed to have returned to a friendly rapport. She had been hoping for at least this much. She enjoyed Jan’s company, loved the way they communicated and laughed and inspired each other. For a moment, earlier, she had even considered staying longer in Spokane so they’d have time to develop a deeper friendship. But sitting here now, so close she only had to shift her leg to be in contact with Jan’s thigh, she had to face the truth. She was learning to make compromises in her family relationships, to accept faults and try to find a truce, a way to move forward in peace. But she couldn’t do the same thing with Jan. Because she loved her, she couldn’t just be friends with her. It was all or nothing. Love. Or Tina had to walk away.

  “It’s amazing how you managed to come up with all these ideas for your wedding after only being engaged for fifteen minutes,” Tina commented when Chloe took a break from talking to give Peter another embarrassing kiss. Jan covered her mouth as if to hide her laughter, but she didn’t do a very good job of it. Tina smiled in her direction. She was glad the two of them could have a fun night together. So there’d be no hard feelings between them when she left.

  The night ended as soon as the bottle was empty. Chloe and Peter were off to share their
good news with two sets of parents, and Tina stayed behind to settle the bill she insisted on paying. Jan lingered beside her.

  Tina signed the credit card slip and stood up. She wondered what the protocol was in this situation. Did she shake Jan’s hand? Give her a hug? Just drift off into the night?

  Jan settled the dilemma, at least for the moment. “Stay and have one more drink with me?” she asked.

  Tina could only say yes.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tina watched as Jan drew patterns in the condensation on her glass, a nervous habit she had noticed a couple of times before. She wondered what Jan wanted to talk about, why she had asked Tina to stay. The laughing, relaxed Jan from earlier in the bar had disappeared, leaving a much more serious Jan in her place.

  “Dad really loved the DVD,” she finally said. “The opening scene was great, with the refueling tanker and the air force music.”

  Tina shrugged. “It’s what I do.”

  “It was very professional. The editing was smooth, and the way you connected the music with the pictures…well, I knew you’d be good at that after seeing the websites you’ve created. Especially the ones related to music. I’m sure Dad will watch it over and over. It’s so much better than just shuffling through pictures.”

  “Good,” Tina said, sensing her own growing reticence as Jan seemed to become more nervous and chatty.

  “I’m glad you didn’t stay while we played it the first time,” Jan admitted, staring at her glass and wiping off her sketches as if she were erasing a chalkboard.

  “Oh?” Tina asked, trying unsuccessfully to keep the surprise out of her voice.

  “It was…” Jan shrugged and met Tina’s gaze. “It was very emotional. Because they’re Dad’s memories, but also because of how you exposed what my life was really like.”

  “And how did I do that?” Tina asked, more gently this time.

  “You showed me how much I had. How much love and stability and support.” Jan turned to look out the window, and Tina gave in to her desire to touch her. Just a simple touch as she reached for Jan’s hand. “I had been looking at the superficial things I was missing,” Jan continued, wrapping her fingers around Tina’s. “A house and a yard and a dog. They might have been nice to have, but only if I had been living there with my dad. On their own, they wouldn’t have made me any happier than I was. I guess I had given them too much power in my mind, as if a bunch of wood or bricks or grass was magically going to make me feel at home.”

  “Instead, you had pink paint and airplane rides and trips to the zoo,” Tina said.

  “And you helped me see how much those things meant,” Jan said with a sad-looking smile. “You saw deeper than I did. And I did the same thing with you.”

  “What do you mean?” Tina asked, desperately trying to follow Jan’s train of thought. She knew the conversation was important, and she had to pay attention, but it was growing increasingly difficult while Jan was rubbing her thumb slowly back and forth along the palm of Tina’s hand. She had taken Jan’s hand in a gesture of support, but the contact was quickly growing more suggestive. With Jan doing the initiating. A feeling of hope stirred in Tina, matching her growing arousal in intensity.

  “I saw your surface and thought you were sexy. Someone good for a one-night stand. I heard about your reputation and didn’t believe you’d ever be someone I could trust so much.”

  Tina laughed. “Well, I didn’t help by doing my best to live down to those expectations. I didn’t realize there was more to me than fleeting relationships and no-strings sex, either. Until you. Until you made me require more from myself. Because I wanted to give you more.”

  Jan disengaged her hand when the waiter brought their bill. Tina reached for her wallet, but Jan stopped her. “This one’s on me,” she said, signing her name on the slip of paper. “I’ll just charge it to my room.”

  Tina kept silent until they were alone again. “Your room?” she asked in a casual voice. At least she meant it to be casual, but the pitch sounded higher than normal. She hadn’t been sure where they were headed, but now she knew. Once again, the line between fantasy and reality became blurred. And suddenly reality had the potential to be everything she’d dreamed it might be. “You’re staying here?”

  Jan shrugged, looking about as casual as Tina sounded. “I needed a little break, so I thought a night in a fancy hotel would be fun.”

  “You made a good choice,” Tina said. She put her hand under the table and gently brushed against Jan’s thigh. “The pillow-topped mattresses are so comfortable.”

  Jan cleared her throat. “And roomy,” she said.

  Tina felt a funny sense of being wrenched back in time. But to a time that had never existed. The night Jan had wanted to call her, invite her for a drink in an anonymous hotel bar, lead her upstairs. Tina wanted to take everything she knew Jan was offering. Gratitude for the video and for Tina’s honest representation of Jan’s past. A chance to live out yet another fantasy. Time for just the two of them, in this place on the edge of reality. If their previous night together was any indication of how this one would go, Tina knew she didn’t have any choice but to say yes. She raked her fingernails along the outer seam of Jan’s slacks.

  “And did you see the shower stall?” Tina asked, curving her hand over Jan’s leg and tugging until Jan separated her thighs enough for Tina to press her knee between them. She pictured Jan pressed against the marble walls of the shower. Wet. Hot. “It’s huge, and the spray is very…powerful.”

  “I know,” Jan said. “I took a shower before I came down here.”

  “Thinking of me?” Tina asked. Jan had started to draw on her glass again, and Tina captured her hand, rubbing her thumb over the wetness on Jan’s fingertips.

  “Yes,” Jan said in a barely audible voice. “Very lonely. And thinking of you.”

  Tina raised Jan’s hand and lightly brushed a kiss over the backs of her fingers. “I can take care of the lonely part.”

  “You’re quite good at this,” Jan said, ending with a little gasp as Tina pushed harder with her knee.

  “I suppose the snappy comeback is lots of practice, baby, but it’s not true,” Tina said, letting go of Jan’s hand and reaching up to brush Jan’s bangs out of her eyes. She wondered if she should act cooler, less affected by their little performance. She didn’t want to spoil Jan’s fantasy, but she had to be honest. “This is all new to me,” she admitted. “We’re sitting here fully dressed, but I’ve never felt so naked with another woman.”

  “I understand,” Jan said. “I feel more exposed, but safer and more protected, than I’ve ever felt before.” She cleared her throat again, taking one last swallow of her drink. “My room also has a magnificent view of downtown,” she said. “Do you want to see it?”

  Tina answered by getting to her feet and reaching for Jan’s hand. She tugged her toward the elevators and pressed the button.

  “You helped me, too, you know,” she said, watching the floor numbers light up while they waited for the elevator, avoiding Jan’s eyes. “When you yelled at me that morning.” Tina held up a hand to keep Jan from interrupting when she looked ready to protest. “I thought I was free, independent, but you made me realize I was connected to my family. By my resentment, the hurt I kept with me from when I was a kid. But connected in some good ways, too, like my relationship with Peter and the memories I share with my aunt and uncle.”

  Tina shook her head. “I always claimed I’d never be tied down, never be caught by anyone or anything, but I was wrong. I’m so tangled up with my music, my friends, my family, I can’t imagine my life without them.” Or you, she wanted to add. Her connection to Jan was growing stronger all the time. Making it so easy to joke with her, to talk to her, to excite her, to be aroused by her, but at the same time, so difficult to share the real truth. To say I love you. Jan wanted tonight, wanted one more fantasy, but Tina desired much more.

  Jan stepped on the elevator when it arrived. “A lot of people ca
re about you, Tina,” she said as she inserted her room key card and pushed the floor number. “I’m glad I could—”

  Tina grabbed Jan’s elbow, spinning her around and pressing her against the wall the second the door slid closed. She was rough enough to startle a squeak of surprise from Jan, but not enough to hurt her. She noticed Jan’s immediate response—her darkening eyes, flushed chest, and hitched breathing—right before she lowered her mouth to Jan’s. After the coy dance in the bar, Tina wanted to take her, to claim her, to leave no room for doubt in Jan’s mind about how much Tina needed her.

  Unfortunately, she managed to convince herself as well. The chime of the elevator as it reached their floor startled them apart, as if it signaled the end of a prizefighting round. They stood, inches apart, staring at each other, and only the quick slap of Tina’s hand kept the elevator doors from closing again, with them still inside. She stepped off the elevator with Jan, but she couldn’t make herself walk down the hall.

  “I can’t do it,” she said when Jan turned to look at her, a confused expression on her face. She had thought she could. Sacrifice her tentative dream of forever for this one perfect night. Walk away in the morning, certain beyond question that her future would hold nothing but the memory of love.

  “I don’t understand,” Jan said finally. “What am I supposed to do?”

  Tina shook her head, frustrated. “This isn’t part of the game, Jan. I want you, and I’d like nothing better than to lock you in that hotel room and act out every fantasy you can imagine. But I can’t.”