by Siobhan Muir
Julianna felt her stomach sink.
“What sex was the child?”
Sebrina closed her eyes. “It was a girl.”
“And this was, what? Thirty-six years ago?”
“Yes.”
Julianna let that news settle, her guts churning.
“Are you saying you’re my blood mother and you didn’t want me?”
Sebrina jerked as if she’d been slapped. “I was alone, and afraid, and you looked human. I didn’t know what to do with a human child.”
That didn’t make Julianna feel better.
“What would you have done if your husband had lived and I had been born a wolf?”
“I would have had time to tell him, to make him understand my true nature, and what to expect.” Sebrina shrugged with one shoulder. “But it didn’t happen that way.”
“No, it didn’t.” Julianna’s anger seethed.
“When I saw you in your true form, I realized you belonged to my family, to my line. Our family had been given a special marking to identify us as part of the First Canid’s family –”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Julianna held up her hand. “You’re part of the First Canid’s family?”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t anyone say anything about it? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sebrina shrugged again uncomfortably. “Most do not know. I have never mentioned it to anyone. Especially after my shame of abandoning my husband’s child. I only saw it on you when you changed. I’d given up my husband’s most precious gift and here you were, before me once again. I’m sorry.”
Through Sebrina’s recitation, Julianna’s throat tightened. Her disbelief gave way to vitriolic rage, and she rose to her feet, her mug clenched in her fist.
“How could you?” She closed her eyes, trying to find calm, but the fury won out. “How could you abandon me like that? I was so lost and alone at that orphanage. I got in trouble for wanting to play with my human littermates. It frightened me and I had to hide my lupine side to find a family. To find someone who’d love me, who wanted me. I had to deny my entire being so I wouldn’t be discarded!”
She stopped, and her eyes narrowed.
“Is that why you’ve been helping me? Because you feel guilty for leaving me on the church steps?”
“No, daughter, I’ve been helping you because you seemed so lost when you returned to Callowwood.” Sebrina regarded her solemnly.
“Why would that be? I’d been abandoned!” Julianna hurled the mug into the sink, and it shattered in a spray of pottery and amber liquid.
A thunderous silence filled her kitchen. Julianna burned with her anger, and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, trying to find some serenity.
“Forgive me, daughter, for not understanding what a gift you were to the People, to me,” Sebrina begged softly. “I’ve seen you grow and learn and understand faster than I ever thought our People could. You make me proud, my daughter, and you make me grieve for what I gave up when I left you. I’m sorry.”
Julianna wanted to shout and scream at Sebrina, but it wouldn’t change the past or heal the hurt ripping at her heart. She tipped her head back and forced herself to breathe, just breathe.
When she’d gained a foothold on her fury, she opened her eyes and turned back to the silent Paiute woman. Sebrina seemed to have aged several years in those few moments. She looked small and vulnerable, and Julianna’s Sister wanted to go for the throat.
Incongruously, Julianna remembered Sebrina’s advice before she opened her mouth, and she made herself speak calmly, rationally, if not warmly.
“Did you live here in Callowwood the whole time I grew up with the Morrises?”
“No. I returned to my family for a time.”
“Why did you come back here?”
“I’d become friends with the previous Luna, and she offered me a place of honor within the pack.”
“You never thought about me? Wondered what had happened to me?”
Sebrina’s face crumpled, and she bit her bottom lip. “I couldn’t change the past and worrying about it only brought me pain.” She shrugged. “I assumed you’d been given to a human family and I’d made the right decision.”
Julianna felt ready to choke. “You never recognized me? Not even when I grew up?”
“No.”
Betrayal punched her in the gut, and tears pricked behind her eyes. She swallowed hard and nodded in defeat.
“I appreciate you coming by to tell me, but I’d like to be alone now. I need to get a lot done this evening.”
Sebrina rose to her feet and looked at Julianna for a moment before she nodded. Then she shuffled to the door, her shoulders hunched and her head down. In the doorway, she turned to look once more on Julianna with resignation. Julianna kept her face impassive, and Sebrina tightened her lips before retreating down the stairs. Julianna closed the door on her birth mother and stood for several long minutes, staring at nothing.
She felt like she’d been kicked in the teeth with all the emotions swirling through her.
“I’m gonna go take a shower,” she mumbled out loud, just to hear something in the oppressive silence.
Sebrina’s story had shaken everything she thought she understood about her childhood. She felt like someone had played 52 Pickup with her life and left her to reassemble the mess into order. How appropriate. My life was nothing but a house of cards, gone with one deep breath.
Her emotions swirled in a kaleidoscope of color. Anger, hurt, and betrayal swarmed around surprise and disbelief. Frustration splashed its own brilliant slash across them all, and she gave up trying to analyze which emotion she felt. How did she feel about Sebrina being her mother?
About the same as I felt when I figured out I was a werewolf. Julianna leaned her forehead against the tiled wall. She let the water cascade around her, soothing the hurts in heated waves. She hardly noticed the tears blending with the droplets on her face.
It makes sense now why I am a Moon Singer and my parents aren’t. But my birth father was human. Maybe that’s another reason I was able to suppress my Sister form as long as I did. Woo-hoo for me.
Why did you come out when you did, Sister? Why didn’t you just remain hidden?
Because it was time to be yourself. That stupid human had hurt you. You needed me. And you needed your Mate.
How did you know Jeff hadn’t mated by then?
Julianna felt her Sister’s mental shrug. You needed your Mate.
Julianna slid down the wall and dropped her head onto her upraised knees, letting the water pound over her head. She desperately wished it would wash away the maelstrom of sentiment raging within her. She didn’t know how long she sat there, but she finally dragged her body out of the shower when the water turned cold.
She stopped shivering when she toweled herself dry and wrapped her silk robe around her, but inside, she still felt frozen. Unwanted. She’d been unwanted.
So much for being part of the First Canid’s family. Sebrina is a descendent, and I’m the next generation. She sat down at her mirror. Holy shit, I’m the next generation! How very DaVinci Code. I feel like the female cop learning she’s related to Jesus. Only I’m related to Ho’a’tote. She stared at the mirror for a long time, studying her face critically.
Her brown-black hair glistened in the light, and her slightly almond-shaped light brown eyes looked out over a slightly beaked nose with mildly flaring nostrils. Julianna studied her wide cheekbones and found similarities between her face and Sebrina’s. But someone else’s genetics shaped her brows and pointed chin.
Julianna was staring at herself, trying to find truth in her reflection, when the phone rang. She blinked, coming back to the room, and turned her gaze to the phone in surprise. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and all her important phone calls had already been made.
She trudged across the room to the bedside table, and stared at the offensive contraption. The phone continued to ring impatiently, demanding her attention. She
snorted and pressed a button on the side, silencing the ringer. The ensuing silence settled around her shoulders like a hood, and the sense of betrayal returned. Her tears rolled again, and she wiped ineffectually at them with her sleeve.
Dropping her robe to the floor with disgust, she crawled into her bed and let her tears soak the pillowcase instead.
* * * *
Jeff frowned and shoved his cell phone back into his pocket. Julianna usually answered when she was home. Maybe she went out for the evening. I gave her the night off, after all. He knew it was for the best, but he missed her. He hadn’t realized how much he enjoyed her company at the bar. Last night had been excruciating without her presence, and tonight wasn’t any better. He’d wanted to hear her voice.
Probably better that she didn’t answer. Exhaustion from holding back his arousal and his Brother form nipped at the edges of his awareness. Even the sound of her voice had him harder than steel, and he didn’t need that tonight. He thumped his fist on the bar and turned his attention to cleaning up the used dishes.
“Hey, Mr. Jeff, how are you this evening?” The soft feminine voice that greeted him made him slip on his customary smile. Jeff looked up to see Cameron Winthrop seated at the bar in front of him.
“Good evening, Ms. Winthrop. I’m doing good and you?”
“Very well, thank you, Jefferson.” She tilted her head coyly. “Did you hear? I passed all the tests as of yesterday.”
“Congratulations.” It didn’t matter to him, but he was happy for her. “That’s great news.”
“It is, isn’t it? Goddess, I’ll be so glad when all this is over! I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.”
“It should be quite a party.”
“Mmm-hmm.” She reached up and pulled her ponytail over her shoulder. “Are you looking forward to it?”
He gave her his patented half-smile as he added soap to the dishwasher. “I am, actually.”
“It’s so great for the pack. Not even my parents saw the last Luna chosen, and now I’m a candidate. It’s really exciting.”
He nodded, but his interest in her words had waned. He wanted to talk to Julianna and share his observations of the last few weeks with her, not with Cameron Winthrop. Cameron smelled cloyingly sweet, and it damn near suffocated him. He didn’t know why she stank so badly to him. He hadn’t Mated yet, but the urge to find something, anything, to do to get away from the younger female skittered around his skull.
His walkie-talkie beeped imperatively at him, and he pulled it to his face with a shot of relief. “Yeah?”
“Hey, boss,” Kyle’s voice said. “We got a problem in the back room.”
“On my way.” Jeff glanced up at Cameron as he put the walkie-talkie away. “Excuse me, Ms. Winthrop.”
“Of course.”
He strode away and tried to ignore the wistful expression on her face. Chewed bones, can’t tomorrow night get here any faster? He hoped Kyle’s problem was big enough to distract from the hours creeping by because nothing else had done the trick.
Chapter Eleven:
Pick of the Litter
Morning came before Julianna wanted to face it. Sunlight teased her awake and gilded her entire bedroom with cheerful light.
She groaned and hauled herself into a sitting position, scrubbing her face with her hands. She was groggy and sleepy, but the clock told her she’d slept about twelve hours. How could she be tired after all that rest?
“Ugh.” She rolled her feet to the floor and stood up. Maybe a hot shower would revive her.
The shower did help, but it also woke her up enough to remember the ending to her previous day, and the sad betrayal crashed over her again.
“Oh, Goddess,” she moaned. When did I start praying to the Goddess? She didn’t remember, but it felt right given her ancestry.
Cooking breakfast for herself required too much energy, so she dressed and trudged down to her car, hoping the grumble of the Camaro’s engine would soothe some of her hurts. The burgundy beast happily growled to life, and she smiled. It reminded her of Jeff’s growly laugh when her head had rested against his chest, and happiness surged through her, taking the edge off her pain.
Julianna drove to Cindy’s Café to let someone else do the work and tried to immerse herself in the scents of artery-hardening bliss and the cheerful proprietor. Always happy to see her, Cindy gave her one of the booths near the windows, despite her solitude. Julianna thanked her and ordered mint green tea. She couldn’t bear drinking Sebrina’s favorite. When the tea arrived, she curled her hands around her mug and stared out at the morning, hoping the sunshine and hot steam would tickle the answers to her questions out of the ether.
“May I join you or is this a one-person party?’
Julianna looked up to see her mother standing beside the table, dressed in a dove gray silk blouse and somber black slacks.
“Oh, hey, Mom. Sure, have a seat. What are you doing up so early?”
“I was out walking and saw your car.” Beth seated herself across the table. She took in Julianna’s somber expression and cocked her head. “Are you all right, Julianna?”
“Oh, yeah, I think so.” Julianna leaned back against the booth. “Just been a rough couple of days, and I’m just trying to sort everything out. Would you like some tea?”
“You’re drinking tea? I thought you preferred coffee.”
“Usually I do.” She bit her tongue before she said more. “I don’t really need the caffeine right now. Mint tea is soothing for the stomach, and I need all the soothing I can get.”
“Oh? What’s going on? Are you sure you’re all right?”
Julianna looked at her mother, and tears gathered in the corners of her eyes again. Sebrina might be her birth mother, but Beth would always be Mom, the one who made things better when the shit hit the fan.
“Oh, God, Mom, I don’t know.” She stared out the window, hoping to stall her tears. “I just feel like everything is caving in on me, and I can’t seem to stop it.”
“Hey now, dear one,” Beth crooned. She reached across the table to squeeze Julianna’s hand. “Is it your father?”
Julianna shook her head and laughed humorlessly. “No, ironically enough, it’s not Dad.” She took a deep breath. “I met my birth mother yesterday.”
“What?” Beth sat back hard.
“Yes, she came by to tell me where I came from and why I ended up…where I did.” Julianna sipped her tea to try to calm herself down. “I don’t know how to feel, Mom. I’m hurt and angry and confused and betrayed. I don’t know what to make of it all. Why didn’t she want me when I was a baby? I feel…”
“Abandoned?”
“Yeah.”
Beth looked thoughtfully at Julianna for a long time before she said anything. Emotions swept across her face, and Julianna could smell the conflicting affects. Beth’s scent alternated between tangy fear and acrid, protective anger.
“How did she know you are her daughter?”
Julianna bit her bottom lip and chose her words carefully. “She recognized me from my resemblance to…an old family photograph.” She hated lying to her mother, but she couldn’t tell her Sebrina had recognized her wolf form.
Beth nodded and sighed. At last, she smiled and squeezed Julianna’s hand again.
“Julianna, I understand your confusion and hurt over your birth mother’s disclosure.” Beth’s voice filled with compassion. “But here’s the way I’ve had to look at it. Your birth mother must’ve had a reason for giving you up, whether she was alone, or too afraid to deal with a baby, or just too young. Maybe she knew she didn’t have the resources to adequately take care of you.” She shrugged. “Whatever her reasons, you came to your father and me, and we were so grateful that God had granted us a little child to raise as our own. It felt like a gift from Heaven. You were perfect, and we loved you with all our hearts.”
Beth sighed and smiled lovingly. “I’m so pleased to have been your mother. To watch you grow up and learn and be
come the woman you are today. I’m so proud of you, and I love you, even if I didn’t give birth to you. In her own way, I suspect your birth mother loves you, too. She just didn’t know how to deal with the awesome responsibility of raising a child.”
“But why tell me now, after thirty-six years?” Julianna asked plaintively.
Beth shrugged. “Maybe she saw how beautiful you’ve become and regrets losing the time with you. Maybe she just wanted you to know a little more of your family history. I don’t know her reasons for telling you, but she gave me the opportunity to raise you and be the mother to comfort you. For that, I’ll always be grateful.”
Beth paused and appeared to gather her courage. “Don’t be angry with her or hate her. She gave you to the best family she could without knowing it. Dwell on that, rather than her decision to give you up. And remember that I love you, and your dad loved you. She gave you the gift of us.”
Julianna took a shuddering breath as her emotions leaked out of her eyes. She closed them, holding onto her teacup for dear life.
“Oh, now, don’t cry, dear one,” her mother crooned and took her hand. “It’ll be okay, no matter what. What did she come to tell you, that she was sorry?”
Julianna nodded again while tears fell.
“Well, then, take her apology at face value and let it go.” Beth patted her hand. “These decisions were made long ago, and they can’t be changed, only regretted. She can do no more than apologize, and she did. Take it as her sincere regret and be happy you had a home and a family who loved you.”
“But she’s in town.” Julianna wiped her face with hands, hating the whine in her voice. “I see her all the time. She’s been teaching me the history…of Callowwood and its families, for the last couple of months. How can I face her again?”
Beth studied Julianna for a few moments, her expression thoughtful. Then she shrugged as if letting something go. “Is anything really different? Has her role in your life changed now that you know she’s your birth mother? You say she’s been teaching you history. That’s part of a parent’s job. She’s been teaching you about yourself in her own way. Now she gave you a new piece of information to go with what you knew. She obviously cares about you, even before she recognized you as her lost child. Take it as that and let the rest go.”