Freedom to Love

by Carole Mortimer

Katy had also got the biggest heartache of her young life, but she intended keeping that to herself. ‘Adam and I have not been sleeping together,’ she said stiffly.

  ‘If I believed that I’d believe that pigs can fly,’ Gemma scorned, ‘and we both know they don’t. Don’t worry, Katy, I don’t intend telling Mum and Dad about it. You keep quiet about Gerald and me sleeping together and I’ll do the same for you.’

  ‘You can tell Mum and Dad what you damn well please,’ Katy told her angrily. ‘I have nothing to hide.’

  Gemma snrugged. ‘Please yourself. But if it ever comes out about you and him I know which story most people will believe.’

  ‘You’re disgusting!’ And Katy left her.

  England was cold, the eight weeks since their return making it even colder. The shops were starting to get their Christmas gifts in stock, but Katy could raise no enthusiasm for it.

  She had settled back with her family quite quickly, although she knew she would never again be the naïve little girl who had set out so excitedly for Canada. She was a grown woman now, with an adult love for a man she could never have.

  Gemma spent most of her time with Gerald, so Katy saw little of her. Not that she minded that, finding that when they did meet they only argued. Katy could see her sister for what she was now, a very selfish girl. She and Gerald should make an ideal couple.

  Katy was ashamed of these feelings towards her sister, the sister she had always looked up to. But Gemma’s behaviour in Canada had been so disgraceful that not even Katy could forgive her.

  The little jade bear stood in place of honour on the side unit in her bedroom, being the last thing she saw at night and the first thing she saw in the morning. She wondered if Adam had kept the wallet she had given him or whether he had put it to the back of a drawer and forgotten about it—and her. That would be the logical thing for him to do, unless of course he had disposed of it altogether.

  She doubted he was back in the country yet, although she kept a watch in the newspapers for a report of his return.

  ‘Would you come out to dinner with me tonight?’

  Katy raised startled eyes from the notes she had been checking through, looking up into Andrew’s good-looking face. ‘What did you say?’ she asked absently.

  Andrew sighed, a tall handsome man of thirty, his blond good looks of a type that really didn’t appeal to Katy, although she liked him immensely. ‘Dinner, Katy,’ he said patiently. ‘I’ve asked you twice if you’ll go out to dinner with me tonight.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t, Andrew,’ she instantly refused, searching for an excuse that wouldn’t hurt him. ‘I—We have my grandmother coming over for dinner this evening,’ she said thankfully. ‘She doesn’t like it if all the family aren’t there.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said dully. ‘Is that the only reason? I’ve asked you out a lot the last few weeks, and each time you’ve refused. Oh, I know there’ve always been reasons for the refusal, but were they the real ones?’

  ‘Of course they were,’ Katy soothed, a pale reflection of herself. She had lost weight in the last eight weeks, and her face was unhealthily pale, her mouth unsmiling.

  ‘You aren’t looking well,’ Andrew voiced critically. ‘And I—’ he broke off as someone came into the waiting-room.

  ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Bennett,’ Katy greeted the aged lady. ‘What can I do for you?’ She saw Andrew disappear back into his surgery, and smiled to herself. Mrs Bennett lived alone with her chair-ridden husband, and whenever she came to pick up his prescriptions she always stopped to have a chat. This was her own therapy; she loved a gossip with any available person who didn’t manage to get away quick enough. Andrew had made good his escape before that happened.

  ‘Just Bill’s prescription, love.’ She lowered her considerable weight into one of the chairs. ‘It’s a fair climb up that hill.’

  The ‘hill’ was a slight incline in the road, but being overweight Mrs Bennett felt every inch of it. Andrew could have saved the old lady this walk by leaving the prescription on his rounds, but he thought she benefited more from the walk. She was a lady who refused to diet, took as little exercise as possible, and so Andrew used devious methods to help her. Not that she considered it help; she often grumbled about his inconsiderateness.

  ‘Ah, here we are.’ Katy drew out the prescription, handing it to the woman. ‘Not long to Christmas now, Mrs Bennett,’ she smiled.

  ‘Can’t abide it meself,’ the woman replied taciturnly, her northern accent still with her despite her many years spent living in the south of England. ‘All that money wasted on presents people neither want nor need.’

  ‘Oh, but surely—’

  ‘Bill and I always say as how it’s madness. Never bought each other a Christmas present in our lives, and we’ve been married fifty years. It’s all right for you young people with all your money, but Bill and I had to work years for the little we’ve got, and we certainly aren’t going to waste it on such nonsense as Christmas.’

  ‘I suppose not,’ Katy found it easier to agree with the woman, knowing that Mrs Bennett preferred to do the talking while others listened. Poor Bill Bennett would have to sit and listen to all this conversation when his wife got home, would have the whole thing repeated to him word for word, full of ‘And I said this’ and ‘I said that’. Katy’s father had often said that he was surprised Bill Bennett hadn’t murdered his wife years ago; certainly no one would have blamed him for it.

  ‘No suppose about it,’ Mrs Bennett said firmly. ‘Christmas is a waste and that’s the end of it. What I really wanted to know,’ her voice lowered conspiratorially, ‘is who the new tenant of Carstairs Manor is. I came by there just now and saw a removal van parked outside.’

  Carstairs Manor stood at the other end of the village, an old and gracious house, a house that looked as if it should be filled with children. It had been standing empty for the last year, since Lady Carstairs, the last owner, had died with no apparent heirs. A distant cousin had finally been traced in America and the house put on the market.

  ‘And how would we know that, Mrs Bennett?’ Katy asked interestedly. If this woman didn’t know who was moving into Carstairs Manor then no one did.

  ‘Well, they’d have to sign on here, wouldn’t they?’ the woman reasoned. ‘Everyone needs a doctor.’

  Katy didn’t like to point out that anyone who could afford Carstairs Manor, a ten-bedroomed house, with servants’ quarters attached, would probably also be able to afford private medical treatment. ‘We’ve heard nothing, Mrs Bennett,’ she told her truthfully.

  ‘Oh. I heard it was one of those pop star people,’ she added disgustedly. ‘We don’t want the likes of them around here.’

  ‘I heard it was a film star,’ Katy laughed. ‘So I think we’ll just have to wait and see.’

  Mrs Bennett struggled to her feet. ‘I think I’ll just pop in and see May at the post office before I go home, she might have heard something.’

  ‘She might,’ Katy agreed. ‘Mrs Bennett!’ she hurried after her. ‘You forgot your prescription.’

  ‘Thank you, my dear, thank you. Was that Dr Maddox I saw in here talking to you a few minutes ago?’

  Katy blushed. This woman didn’t miss a thing! ‘Yes,’ she told her reluctantly.

  ‘Nice young man.’ Mrs Bennett looked at her knowingly. ‘I suppose we’ll be hearing wedding bells soon?’ she said coyly.

  ‘Not from me you won’t,’ Katy said stiffly.

  ‘Hoity-toity!’ the old woman muttered as she went out.

  Andrew put his head round the side of the door minutes later. ‘Has she gone?’

  ‘Yes,’ Katy laughed at his hounded expression. ‘And she’s not at all happy about this pop star moving into Carstairs Manor.’

  ‘I heard it was a millionaire who likes to live like a hermit,’ he frowned. ‘Oh well, what does it matter, you and I are having dinner together tonight.’

  ‘I already told you—’

  ‘I said we’re having dinne
r together, Katy, I didn’t say we would be alone. Your father has invited me to join you at your home.’

  Dear Daddy, he meant well, seemingly the only person to notice she was no longer the happy carefree girl she used to be. He was worried about her, Katy knew that, and she wished she could put his mind at rest. But only Adam could make her happy, and there was no way she could have him.

  Her grandmother was her usual domineering self that evening, demanding to know why Gemma and Gerald weren’t married yet. ‘High time you made an honest woman of her,’ she told Gerald curtly.

  ‘Mother!’ Katy’s mother was scandalised. ‘The wedding is planned for next year, you know that.’

  ‘Make sure you don’t put the cart before the, horse, young man,’ Gerald was told firmly by the old lady.

  Katy had to hide her smile. Her mother and father might be blind to the intimacy of Gemma and Gerald’s relationship, but her grandmother missed very little with her piercing grey eyes. She was so delicate to look at, with her softly permed hair, rosebud and cream complexion, and her frail body, but the exterior hid a will of iron, and her tongue as sharp as a razor.

  ‘And what’s the matter with you, girl?’ She turned on Katy now, wiping all humour off Katy’s face. ‘You look like a ghost. Not pregnant, are you?’

  Katy heard her mother gasp once again. ‘No, Grandmother,’ she replied calmly, ‘I’m not pregnant.’

  ‘Mother, really—!’ it was Katy’s father’s turn to protest now. ‘Gemma and Katy are good girls. They would never—’

  ‘Oh, don’t be a fool, James,’ his mother snapped. ‘They may be good girls, but they’re normal, aren’t they? And Katy doesn’t look well. She looks like I did when I was expecting you.’

  James Harris began to look uncomfortable. ‘Katy is just tired, she’s been working too hard.’

  ‘It isn’t normal in a girl her age,’ her grandmother remained adamant.

  ‘I’m all right, Grandmother,’ Katy said softly. ‘As Daddy says, I’m tired.’

  ‘What do you think, young man?’ The old lady pinpointed Andrew in her gaze. ‘She isn’t well, is she?’

  ‘She’s a little run down, but I—’

  ‘Why don’t you ask her to marry you? She needs a man, that’s what’s the matter with her.’

  Andrew coloured to the roots of his hair. ‘I—’

  ‘Shall we all go in to dinner?’ Katy’s mother stood up. ‘It’s all ready.’

  ‘Don’t you try and silence me, Eileen Harris,’ the old lady snapped. ‘I’ve known you since you were younger than Katy is, and I’ll have my say!’ Her voice was strident. ‘Any fool can see that Katy is in love. I’m just trying to help things along.’

  ‘Katy is perfectly capable of organising her own life, Mother.’ James took her arm in a firm grasp and led her in to dinner.

  Katy apologised to Andrew when they were alone later that evening. Her grandmother was irrepressible when in that mood, although she had behaved very well the rest of the evening.

  ‘She’s a wonderful old lady,’ Andrew smiled.

  ‘But so interfering. She loves arranging other people’s lives for them.’

  ‘Was she right?’ Andrew asked gently.

  ‘About my needing a man?’ Katy taunted, watching hot colour flood his cheeks once again.

  ‘No,’ he said impatiently. ‘Was she right about your being in love?’

  ‘No.’ She couldn’t tell him the truth, not when it was another man she loved.

  His shoulders slumped. ‘Oh,’ he sighed regretfully. ‘I’d hoped… You know how I feel about you, Katy, must know that I’m in love with you.’

  Yes, she knew. She had realised his feelings soon after her return from Canada—and had been trying to avoid a confrontation with him ever since. She didn’t want to hurt him, she knew how painful unrequited love was, so she kept away from him whenever she could, refusing all his invitations to go out with him.

  But she knew now that she couldn’t avoid this situation any longer. ‘I don’t feel the same way,’ she told him as gently as she could. ‘I like you, I like you a lot, but it isn’t enough.’

  ‘You could learn to love me,’ Andrew said eagerly. ‘We’ve hardly been out together. We could—’

  ‘I’m sorry, Andrew,’ she interrupted firmly. ‘But it wouldn’t work.’

  ‘Is there someone else?’ He frowned. ‘But there can’t be, you don’t see anyone else.’

  ‘I’m afraid there is someone, Andrew,’ she told him quietly. ‘Someone I met some time ago. He—He doesn’t love me. He’s probably forgotten my very existence by now.’ Oh God, no! ‘But I love him, and I—I’m afraid I always will.’

  ‘But when—I don’t understand when you met him.’ She had obviously taken him aback.

  ‘It was a few months ago.’ She didn’t enlighten him any further. ‘You don’t know him. And I’m never likely to see him again.’

  ‘Then if it’s over—’

  ‘Over!’ she repeated ruefully. ‘There was never anything to be over. No, that isn’t strictly true. But it was over before it even began. I can’t love you, Andrew, I’m sorry.’

  He left shortly after that and she knew she had hurt him. But what else could she do? Oh, she could have lied to herself, could have let herself believe she could come to care for Andrew, but in reality she knew it wasn’t even a possibility.

  Gemma came into Katy’s room just as she was getting into bed. ‘Well? Did he ask you?’

  ‘Ask me what?’ Katy straightened the covers around her.

  ‘To marry you, of course,’ Gemma said impatiently, coming to sit beside her on the bed. ‘Gerald says that Andrew’s been after you for months.’

  ‘What a typically disgusting Gerald remark,’ Katy wrinkled her nose with distaste. ‘And completely untrue.’

  ‘You mean he didn’t ask you to marry him?’

  ‘No, he didn’t.’ She wasn’t lying, he hadn’t actually said the words, and this way it would save Andrew so much embarrassment.

  ‘I could have sworn… Oh well, he’ll probably get around to it some time.’

  ‘I don’t think so. You see, even though he didn’t ask me I made sure he would know I wouldn’t accept even if he did ask.’

  ‘My God, you didn’t tell him about Adam Wild?’

  Katy flushed. ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘What do you mean, not exactly?’ Gemma stood up to look down at her scornfully. ‘Either you did tell him or you didn’t.’

  ‘I told him there was someone else.’ Katy evaded her sister’s eyes.

  ‘And how!’ Gemma laughed. ‘You can tell me, is Adam Wild as good a lover as he’s reputed to be?’

  Katy’s blush deepened. ‘Gemma—’

  ‘Oh, do tell me, Katy,’ her sister encouraged eagerly. ‘I’ve held my curiosity in check all these weeks, the least you can do is tell me now.’

  ‘He was not my lover!’ Katy snapped angrily.

  ‘Oh, come on, Katy,’ Gemma chided. ‘You were with him all that time, you must have slept with him.’

  ‘I didn’t!’

  ‘But he said—’

  ‘He?’ Katy interrupted sharply. ‘You mean Adam?’

  ‘Of course I mean Adam.’

  Katy frowned. ‘But when did he speak to you?’

  ‘Don’t you remember? It was that day after you decided to go off with him. He telephoned—’

  ‘The day I decided—!’ Katy gasped. ‘I didn’t decide anything, you left me to it. I believe your words were “He was welcome to me”.’

  ‘Only after he told me you would prefer to travel with him. I thought it was a damned cheek after Gerald and I had asked you along on our holiday.’

  ‘I’m not understanding this,’ Katy said uncertainly. ‘Adam actually said I wanted to travel with him?’

  ‘Well, of course he did. I may be a selfish little bitch, but even I wouldn’t just desert you to a wolf like him. He told me you’d asked him if you could go with him. F
aced with something like that I had no choice but to agree to you staying with him. But I was furious at the time.’

  Katy was dazed. Adam had told Gemma she wanted to stay with him. But why?

  CHAPTER TEN

  IT hadn’t been too difficult to get the day off work; her father had agreed that a day’s shopping in London was just what she needed. Her mother had taken over for her in the surgery, so there were no problems in that direction.

  As soon as she reached London Katy dialled Adam’s telephone number, a woman with a rather sexy voice answering her request for directions to the studio.

  Katy had known after speaking to Gemma that she had to see Adam again, if only to find out why he had kept her with him when she needn’t have been. Yesterday she had seen his name listed as one of the people present at a charity dinner, and so without giving herself time to think she had made the necessary arrangements to come to London.

  She had plenty of time to think, on her way over to the studio, to wonder at her impetuosity. The receptionist had told her that Adam was in, but Katy had no way of knowing if he would see her.

  The studio was what she would have expected, ultramodern, the girl behind the desk completely compatible with her surroundings. She was a tall blonde, her make-up perfect, her dress impeccable; one of those sophisticated women Katy had accused Adam of surrounding himself with.

  The woman turned from watering the many pots of greenery that stood about this outer office, a coolly polite smile on her face. ‘Can I help you?’

  Katy wasn’t sure now. This environment, the sophistication of this woman, all made her realise that the Adam she came to know in Canada was not the same Adam who worked here. He had people working for him, was the top photographer of the country, and to think that their brief relationship still meant anything to him was highly unlikely. What she had told Andrew was probably right, Adam would have forgotten her existence.

  ‘Can I help you?’ the receptionist repeated.

  ‘I—er—I—’

  ‘Fiona darling!’ A tall redheaded woman with bright red lipstick and very dark make-up breezed into the office, rudely pushing her way past Katy, the perfume she wore expensive and exclusive.