Abide with Me

by E. Lynn Harris

  “What? Who is the lucky lady?”

  “A real nice young lady. Her name is Dawn, and guess what?”

  “What?”

  “She ain’t black,” Raymond laughed. He told Jared about Dawn’s ancestry and how happy Kirby seemed.

  “You kidding? How is your pops handling it?”

  “That’s still being decided,” Raymond said. “I think the only reason he didn’t have a heart attack is because at least she isn’t white. How is your better half?”

  “Nicole is doing great. She’s in Detroit. To tell you the truth, I can’t wait until this tour is over, and she’s only been gone a couple of weeks.”

  “I can’t believe she’s doing Dreamgirls again.”

  “Neither can I,” Jared said mournfully. Raymond noticed a change in the tone of his voice.

  “So why did you let her do it?” Raymond asked.

  Jared arched his eyebrows and looked Raymond dead in the eyes and said, “Let her do it? Raymond, come on, get real. You know Nicole. It wasn’t about me letting her do it. She wanted to do it, and I want her to have whatever it is she wants and needs to be happy.”

  “You really love her something crazy, don’t cha, boy?”

  “And you know it!” Jared said.

  “How long is the show going to be on the road?”

  “I think a couple of months and then hopefully, fingers crossed, the show will come back to New York. So how is Trent?”

  “Aw, Trent’s cool. You know … working hard. He’s over in South Africa working on some big project. So I guess you could say we both doin’ without.”

  “So what are we doing with our lives, partner? Sounds like our spouses are blazing trails across the world,” Jared said.

  “You think so?”

  “Yeah, but we’re doing our share. Look at you. In another couple of months, my man will be a federal judge, and what can be more important than that?”

  “Could be … could be not,” Raymond said quietly.

  “What do you mean ‘could be’? Those people on Capitol Hill ain’t giving you a hard time, are they? If so, let me know. I still got some connections down there.”

  “Naw, it’s just a slowdown. I still haven’t got a date concerning my confirmation.”

  “Well, don’t worry. It’s gonna happen,” Jared said confidently. A waiter brought out a bottle of wine and showed it to Jared, who nodded his approval. While the waiter was opening the wine, Jared and Raymond remained silent, just enjoying the view of the park. Raymond was thinking that this might be the time to tell Jared what he had learned about Trent; he could ask Jared what he should do about it. Jared was thinking of sharing his concerns about his future in New York and if his marriage could survive the differences he had begun to notice.

  After he had poured them each a glass of wine the waiter asked if they were going to have dinner.

  “What do you think?” Jared said as he looked over the menu. Raymond did the same. After a few seconds they both looked at the waiter and said, “Let me have the salmon.”

  Raymond and Jared looked at each other and smiled. The waiter quizzed, “Are you two brothers?”

  “Sorta,” Raymond said as he lifted his wineglass toward Jared, who lifted his in response. When they toasted their friendship, all that could be heard was the sound of the glasses clicking. As the sound echoed slightly around them, both Jared and Raymond felt that in the company of the other, all was right with the world.

  On his second night in New York, Raymond couldn’t sleep. As he lay on top of the crisp, cold white sheets of his king-sized bed, his mind raced faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby. Raymond’s body felt numb, tension knotted his stomach. He felt an extraordinary mix of anger, anxiety, and envy. He was angry that he had fallen in love with a man who cheated on him, that Trent was the best he could do when it came to lovers. Anxiety that he might not have any other choice but to leave Trent. He felt envy at his little brother and Jared, who didn’t have to suffer such betrayal.

  After almost a decade’s absence, those “I wish I wasn’t gay” feelings had returned. And his heart plummeted when he felt that because he was gay, love would always be a temporary thing.

  Raymond’s eyes moved from the television, where a muted episode of Seinfeld was playing, to the marble-topped nightstand where hotel personnel had set up bottles of spring water and chocolates. He couldn’t decide if he should turn off or turn up the classical music playing on the tiny clock radio located on the left side of the bed.

  It had been almost five days since he and Trent had spoken to each other. This lapse in communication had never happened since they had moved in together three years ago. Over the last few days they had left messages, but Raymond was avoiding Trent and had not called him back in South Africa. Raymond had left a few messages on Trent’s personal telephone line telling him he was doing fine and had enjoyed the time with his family. Trent’s messages were full of excitement as he described South Africa and ended each call with “I miss you and I love you.” Raymond didn’t really know if he missed Trent, and in many ways, he was relieved that business had separated them.

  Raymond felt even more sadness because he was alone with grief. During times like these, he hated being alone and missed Kyle more than ever. Kyle would have understood and made him laugh about it. He could hear Kyle saying something like, “Chirl, men ain’t good for nuthin’ but slanging dick and some of them can’t even do that right. Move on.” But now there was no one Raymond felt he could tell. There was no one to understand his pain. He wanted to tell Jared or his mother but wondered how they would feel later if he decided to stay with Trent.

  Then Raymond felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe he had done something to deserve an unfaithful lover. Maybe he had spent too much time at the office or with his students. But Trent maintained long hours as well. He tried to think of someone he had mistreated. For a few minutes Raymond couldn’t think of anyone. The women he had lied to about his sexuality had forgiven him, or so he thought. Nicole said as much, whenever the subject came up.

  Then Basil came into focus. His image was strong and vivid, like he was standing in the room, staring at Raymond with a lustful gaze. But Raymond hadn’t mistreated Basil. Sure, he had treated him with a certain indifference, but he hadn’t been mean. Raymond rationalized that his treatment of Basil was to protect himself. He was so proud of himself for not falling in love with Basil during their brief affair. Raymond knew that when Basil set his mind on someone, he was dangerous to any relationship.

  Raymond’s thoughts turned to Larry Pratt, an attractive law student from Fresno, California. They had shared a meal and a flirtatious relationship for a few months. The two of them would talk about the law and sports, and then trade stories about being in the life. Nothing ever happened sexually. Once, when Larry made an advance, Raymond rejected him sweetly by telling him he could never get involved with a student, even one he wasn’t teaching. But Raymond did find himself attracted to Larry and he had thought of him a couple of times while making love to Trent. Larry’s flirting made Raymond feel young and sexy in a bad-boy way. When Trent and Raymond moved to Seattle, they had agreed to a monogamous relationship, but that didn’t include fantasies. As long as these fantasies weren’t acted upon.

  After an hour of such thoughts, Raymond glanced at the television where All in the Family was on. Finally the fatigue of his problems overtook him, and Raymond drifted into a restless sleep.

  Peaches didn’t hear or notice Raymond when he walked into a quiet Cuts ’n’ Cobblers. The morning crowd had disappeared, and Enoch took Mondays off. Peaches had her back to the front door and was watching a small television that sat on the counter. Before Raymond could say hello, Peaches said, “Don’t be no fool, honey. Don’t tell that man you got a credit card.” Sometimes when she was alone, Peaches would talk to the television, especially when the commercials contained African-American actors. She also talked back to some of the people pushing products on the Home S
hopping Network, sometimes yelling, “Bitch, ain’t nobody a big enough fool to buy that shit!” Enoch would always ask her who she was talking to and she would tell him to mind his own bizness.

  “Who you talking to, Peaches?” Raymond asked. Peaches knew this questioner wasn’t Enoch and turned around quickly. She had a smile a mile long as she took a long pull off her half-finished cigarette.

  “When did you walk in here?” Peaches asked as she raced into Raymond’s open arms.

  “I just walked in. So who you talking to?”

  “This dumb bitch on the TV tellin’ this man she got a new credit card. Don’t she know he ain’t gonna do nuthing but use it up like he’s gonna do her?” Peaches said, shaking her head in disgust over the woman’s foolishness. “I bet it was another man who ruined her credit in the first place.”

  Raymond knew he didn’t have time to get the whole story, so instead he told Peaches how happy he was to see her. He felt a sense of relief in her presence, and a smile began to slowly brighten his face. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

  “And I’m glad to see you, baby. You looking good … your face a little fatter but I guess that comes from livin’ good,” Peaches said.

  “Yeah, I’ve picked up a little weight,” Raymond said, blushing.

  “Come on, sit down. You hungry? I can fix you something to eat. You want some coffee?” Peaches made her way over to the counter, where she poured herself a fresh cup of coffee.

  “Naw, I had a little something before I left the hotel,” Raymond said.

  “Why don’t you stay with Nicole and Jared? You don’t need to be stayin’ in no hotel. You could even stay here. I got a pull-out sofa.”

  “Thanks, but I’m fine. Jared offered me his place and I might stay there a couple of nights. It just depends on how long it takes me to take care of you,” Raymond said as he looked around Peaches’s place of business. “This is a nice place you have here.”

  “Do you mean that or are you being shady?” Peaches asked. Her eyebrows arched.

  “Oh, I mean it. And what do you mean me being shady?”

  “You know—high-hattin’ me. Being all snoblike. Now, don’t forget you talkin’ to Peaches and I know you. This place ain’t much but it’s home and don’t think for a moment I would call you if I didn’t want to lose this place.”

  Raymond walked over to Peaches and put his arms around her. Squeezing her tightly, he said, “I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you don’t lose your place.”

  “Is that a promise?” Peaches said as she looked up at Raymond.

  “That’s a promise,” Raymond said as he kissed the top of Peaches’s head.

  Raymond made contact with the lawyers for Peaches’s landlord, and was hopeful he could take care of things in less than a week. He learned from a former law school classmate that property in Harlem was hotter than ever, and most property owners were taking advantage of the trend, forcing several small businesses to close. But Raymond also thought not many of those small business owners had a well-trained, soon-to-be-on-the-bench lawyer working on their behalf, and doing it for free. He wondered how many Harlem small businesses would suffer without the benefit of expert legal advice.

  Before calling it a day, Raymond checked his messages in Seattle. There was another message from Trent and one from his mother. Her voice sounded anxious, so Raymond decided to call her right away.

  “Mama? Are you all right?” he asked when his mother picked up after a couple of rings.

  “Raymond? How is my baby?”

  “I’m doin’. Is this too late?” he asked while cradling the phone receiver on his shoulder. He loosened his tie and untucked his shirt.

  “It’s never too late for my baby,” she said.

  “I was just returning your call. Your voice sounded urgent. Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, everything is fine. But are you all right? I mean, you’ve been on my mind and the last couple of times I’ve talked to you, well, your voice sounds heavy,” his mother said with concern in her voice.

  “I’m okay, Mama. Just getting used to being back in New York and trying to see what I can do to help Peaches out,” Raymond said.

  “How is Peaches? And how long you think you’re gonna be up there?”

  “I don’t really know right now, and Peaches has got everything cooking. Just worried about losing her place. I can already tell this is not going to be easy. Real estate in Harlem is hotter than hot now, and landlords want to move in the people who are willing to pay top dollar.”

  “How’s Trent?”

  Raymond paused for a second and then said, “All right. I guess. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of days. You know, with the time difference and all. How’s Pops?”

  “Still simmering over Kirby’s new girlfriend. I told him he better get over it or he’s gonna have a stroke or something. Worrying about something he can’t change. I told him that was Kirby’s business.”

  “What’s his problem? She seemed like a really nice girl,” Raymond said. He started to tell his mother how he expected his father to be ecstatic, given that Kirby was dating a woman and not a man. But he didn’t.

  “The same problem he has with everything. Being old and feeling like he’s losing control over his family.”

  “You think he really feels that way?”

  “Honey, pleeze. That man still feels like, when he says something, we should all jump,” she laughed.

  Raymond and his mother talked for another few minutes about their recent trip to Chicago. She wanted to know when they would see each other again, and Raymond agreed to look at his calendar as soon as he could. Just when he was getting ready to hang up, he asked, “Mama, what would you do if Pops ever cheated on you?”

  “First of all, he’s too old to cheat. Don’t nobody want him but me. And why would you ask me something like that, baby? Are you sure everything is all right between you and Trent?”

  “Mama, if I told you something, would you keep it to yourself?” Raymond knew he had to come clean now, but deep down, he really needed his mama’s advice.

  “Sure, I would, baby. What’s the matter?”

  Raymond didn’t answer. He and his mother were silent on the phone for almost a minute, listening to each other breathe. His mother broke the silence.

  “Raymond, please tell me what happened.”

  Raymond told his mother the information Lisa had uncovered. His voice ranged from sorrow to anger and he was concentrating on not crying, though his eyes ached with tears. When he said the words out loud, they became even more painful, like they were bruising his throat.

  “My first response is an easy one. And that’s to tell you, it’s in the past and the past is over. But I got to ask you something.”

  “Yeah, Mama,” Raymond said softly.

  “Do you still love him?”

  After a brief hesitation, Raymond said weakly, “I think so.”

  “Then if you’re going to forgive him, you’d better know so,” his mother said firmly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean this ain’t gonna be easy. How does Trent feel?”

  “He doesn’t know.”

  “What do you mean he doesn’t know? You haven’t told him about this?”

  “No.”

  “Raymond Jr., is that fair? What if it’s not true?”

  “The information was double-checked, Mama. I know it’s true.”

  “But you haven’t heard his explanation.”

  “There is no excuse for this, Mama. He shouldn’t have done it,” Raymond said angrily.

  “Baby, I don’t mean to sound harsh, and I know this is hurting you. But you at least owe Trent a chance to explain his case. Boy, you’re sounding and acting more like your father with each passing day.”

  “No, I’m not.” This comparison made Raymond even more upset. He loved and respected his father, but he didn’t want to be like him on any level. Not because he felt his father had always
run their home with an iron-clad fist, but because they were from different times. Somehow, his mother, Kirby, and Raymond had allowed his father to live in the past, without challenge. Raymond did admire the way his father always spoke his mind, not backing down to anyone, and was always loving and respectful of his wife. Raymond had never seen his mother and father arguing, only minor disagreements.

  “Whatever you say. But I’m telling you this sounds just like something he would say.”

  “I’ve got to go, Mama. Thanks for listening,” Raymond said quickly. He felt he had just made a big mistake by telling her about his personal problem.

  “Where you got to go?”

  “I promised Jared I would meet him,” Raymond lied.

  “But we ain’t finished talking about this.”

  “We are for now, Mama. And don’t you worry about me. And please, please don’t tell Pops about this,” Raymond pleaded.

  “I’ll try not to. Good night, baby. I’ll pray for you and Trent, but you got to get on your knees too.”

  “Night, Ma. I love you.”

  “And I love you too.”

  When Raymond hung up the phone, he felt uneasy. It was something his mother had said at the end of their conversation, when he had asked her not to worry or to mention his problem to his father. Raymond knew his mother wouldn’t be able to do either.

  26

  After about ten minutes of silence and staring at the doctor’s framed degree from Cornell University and a framed photograph of Times Square, Basil finally spoke.

  “I did something stupid,” he said quietly.

  “How so?” the doctor asked.

  “One of my honeys invited me to some model’s party the other night. It was at the bar called Chaos down in the SoHo area. It was a typical Gee-ain’t-I-fabulous party. You know, a lot of models, model groupies, and people who ain’t never had their name on a guest list,” Basil said.

  “How did that cause trouble?”

  “I’m gettin’ to that. This honey, Valencia, was busy kissing ass to some of the so-called producers and video casting agents. So I went up into this level of the club where they had a cigar and champagne bar. It was real tight with antique chairs and real dark and everybody lookin’ smooth, puffing on cigars, and sipping champagne. So I take a seat at the end of the bar and this plump but good-lookin’ in the face brother comes over and sits next to me. He offers me a smoke, tells me it’s Cuban, and I take it.”